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Original poster

Boyfriend doesn't want to be a dad to our daughter!

247 replies

user1465649950 · 31/12/2016 00:37

Hi, I'm new to posting.
Just looking for some advice as I really don't know what to do!
I'm 19 and have a daughter who's 3 months, the pregnancy wasn't planned and my boyfriend (he's 23) really didn't want a baby at this time or ever! I gave him the option to go when I told him, but he was adamant he didn't want to break up, but also didn't want to be a dad. So through out pregnancy he maintained that, was supportive to me, but not interested in the baby at all. I broke things off a few times and we'd get back together, each time he'd try to be a bit more bothered.
Everyone said he'd be better once the baby was here and I guess I hoped that would be true. He's not though, he'll do things to help me out, he'll hold her, bath her and he says he wouldn't want anything to happen to her. When I ask if he loves her though he won't say, just says he loves me! He doesn't want to be a father, he won't make any decisions with me about her, wouldn't choose Christmas presents, shows little to no interest in how she is, he shows no interest in spending time with her, unless I ask him to do so for me.
He wasn't intrested at all over Christmas for her, he bought me lovely gifts, but only came down to see her open hers because I insisted (I know she didn't really know at 3 months, but still!!)
We ended up arguing and I told him it's over! He's really upset and promising he'll try harder. All I get is how much he loves me though and not her! I feel so bad for her, she is so perfect and such a good easy baby, I can't understand why he doesn't feel like I do about her! He's begging for us to stay together and I do love him. He just says he doesn't want to be a father but will do whatever I ask of him so we can be together! I asked him to be true full and if we broke up would he see her at all and he said no!
I don't even know what I'm asking! I keep thinking maybe it's better we are together and at least she will know him and he's trying, maybe he'll get better as she gets older. I really don't know!!
Just to add, both my parents and his mum are supportive and his mum keeps trying to get him to be more involved too. My parents were young when they had me and I always kinda felt that their relationship was more important than me, and my dad was always, very foucused on his work/hobbies. I'm aware I'm with someone similar (that's a load of other issues though)
And I don't want that for my daughter!

OP posts:
GTS · 31/12/2016 04:09

I think it's very early days and I wouldn't rush into any major decisions tbh. He doesn't sound to me like an awful person, he has been honest with you, loves you, and is willing to support you even though he didn't want a child. I am fairly sure that given time, he will come to love his baby too. Agree with pp that babies are boring as hell for some. When she starts putting her little hands up to his face and giggling with himhe may start to bond with her, but it's not something you can force. I definitely wouldn't be jumping on the LTB bandwagon.

HermioneWoozle · 31/12/2016 04:26

I think it's revolting that people are telling the OP to LTB! BillSykesDog, LifeBeginsNow and GTS's advice is sound.

You are doing everything right, it seems to me, OP. Give it time and try not to worry.

differentnameforthis · 31/12/2016 04:37

No, it's not totally "fucking" normal.

differentnameforthis · 31/12/2016 04:44

I guess I am looking at it from the child's POV. My mum was told she would bond with me, that she would love me. She didn't. My dad left when I was 5 and I was left with her. I had a totally shit childhood that lead to damaging relationships in my late teens/early 20s. I still, after being married for over 20yrs feel VERY unlovable because of her.

She "kept me safe" for 18yrs. I had 18yrs of damaging emotional abuse. I was 18 when I realised she didn't actually want me, and didn't love me, although I knew form a very young age that she didn't love me.

So no, it's not totally normal.

luckymomma · 31/12/2016 04:55

I agree with TheThingsWeAdmitOnMn (I'm a new poster and don't know how to make something bold - sorry!). I do think you should give him a chance. Having a baby isn't easy for anyone, and dads can find it very hard to bond with a tiny baby that doesn't give anything back yet (smiles etc). A friend of mine was in this exact position 15yrs ago aged 21 with a boyfriend who had told her he didn't want the child etc. He definitely loved her more than their child at the start but that quickly changed. The relationship broke down a few years in but the father-daughter bond improved before their dd reached 1 and has since been lovely. They are now very close. We mothers have the natural maternal instinct and are smitten with a newborn straightaway. It's not abnormal for a man to struggle. Of course if it doesn't start to improve then you can't hang on indefinitely, but 3 months is still quite soon to give up hope (IMO). As long as he isn't being horrible to either of you and does start to make effort (as promised) then I'd say it's worth giving it a go. I hope things work out for you all

uhoh2016 · 31/12/2016 05:32

At 3mo babies are boring to men. My DH was quite hands off when our dc were very young, he went through the motions if he had to but would much rather I did the majority- I think he was always bothered about breaking them as if they were a China doll not a human being. That said he never said he didn't want our dc or that he didn't love them.
As the dc started to walk talk and play he became more interactive with them and enjoyed being in their company and is more than happy to parent . Our youngest is 22mth I hate this age give me a newborn any day but he loves this age. I'm struggling now whereas he struggled back then.
He did tell you he didn't want to be a Dad and you chose to continue with the pregnancy so you must've known you'd end up being a single mum. Unfortunately you can't force him to want to be a Dad but ultimately you come as a package and she MUST come 1st, if he can't be a Dad then there can't be a relationship with you

Sammygold · 31/12/2016 05:42

I'm glad that later posts are trying to be more understanding of the situation. To suggest that he's being manipulative and cruel is just a simplistic and binary approach. I doubt whether this is the way that a mother who struggles to bond with her young baby would be judged. I think that the saving grace here is that he is being brutally honest; it would be manipulative of him he had pretended to bond with the baby just to remain in the relationship. He does not sounds like a man with malevolent intentions. However, he does need to be prepared to address his feelings through therapy.

HermioneWoozle · 31/12/2016 05:44

You have hit the nail on the head there, different. You are projecting. I'm very sorry for what happened to you but the OP is not your mum, her DP is not your father.

HermioneWoozle · 31/12/2016 05:54

It took me a few months to bond with my own DD1, never mind DH.

I mean in terms of that feeling of unconditional parental love kicking in. From the start I knew I had an unquestionable absolute duty to take care of her, but the love developed over months, it wasn't there as soon as she arrived. There was nothing difficult or traumatic about the pregnancy or birth and she took to the breast like a duck to water and she wasn't a difficult baby- we were all just adjusting to the weirdness and newness of the situation. With DD2 that bonding definitely happened faster as it wasn't such a new and odd situation. Then we had to also think about enabling DD1 to bond with DD2. Bonds of love develop over months and years. I love both DDs equally of course.

Gallavich · 31/12/2016 06:01

It's not normal for a man to have no wish to form a relationship with their baby!
It might be common for men to take some time to form an attachment relationship with their babies but they usually have the will and the desire to do so.
This scenario is really not normal or common. The op's father needs to make a decision. Either he puts the work in to forming a relationship with the baby or he fucks off. Of course it will take time and effort to build the attachment relationship but if he has the will and motivation to then he will do so. The health visitor may be able to refer to an attachment based intervention for him, ther is baby massage, all sorts of things that he can do. But unless he has the desire to do it, it won't happen, and the child will grow up knowing her father and also knowing he doesn't love her. That's unacceptable.

Gallavich · 31/12/2016 06:02

the op's partner not father

Foldedtshirt · 31/12/2016 06:07

What's the living set up?

HappyHedgehog247 · 31/12/2016 06:13

My exDP really struggled to bond with our DD as a baby. She is now 3 and he really loves her. It took a long time and cost us our relationship but I just wanted to say things can change and 3 months is early days.

It is something I think would be helpful to go for some therapy around together. How does he see it working? It may be helpful for him to have some solo time with the baby so he can start to get to know her.

Joysmum · 31/12/2016 06:25

Billsykesdog saved me a lot of typing!

I wanted a child but even so, I didn't feel overwhelming love or bonded to her until she was older and able to interact, and not properly 'mumsy' until she was more of a toddler. I felt awful for it.

However the difference is, I faked it until I made it. I went through the motions of caring for her and did my job despite not having bonded.

The OP's partner specifies calmly that he wouldn't see his child if it wasn't for the OP and has no interest in even going through the motions of his responsibilities as a father. He should not need to be told to do the basics and she should not already be seeing his input as a favour to her. That changes my perception of the whole situation and is where my views then part company with Bill's.

There's a big difference between not being bonded or wanting to be a father and going through the motions to actually having to be told to do the basic care as a favour to the mother!

Itisnoteasybeingdifferent · 31/12/2016 06:55

OP,
reading through all the above, I can't add any comment abiut what course you should take... Especially as we don't have children so I am most definatelly not experienced in such matters... But..

I can say that whichever choice you make it will be a lot of hard work from now on. If you separate, you will struggle for money unless by a miracle he decides to pay for a child he doesn't want. If you stay together you will have to work very hard at the relationship to overcome his baggage from nis dad walking out.

Having said that, being a parent is hard work even at the best of times. In this you have one thing going for you. You are a woman. You have a womans strength and stamina to keep going. You are stronger than you think. Yes it will get difficult but in the end you will overcome and be a mum who holds her head up with pride...... Good luck.

tribpot · 31/12/2016 07:20

Since he'll do whatever you ask in order to stay together, why don't you ask him to grow the fuck up and start being a father?

No child should grow up around this: He doesn't want to be a father, he won't make any decisions with me about her, wouldn't choose Christmas presents, shows little to no interest in how she is, he shows no interest in spending time with her

This isn't a new father struggling to bond. This is someone who has categorically stated since the start of the pregnancy that he will not be a parent to his own child. That if they break up, he will not see the child. You've got enough to deal with, having a baby on your own at 19, OP, without adding this into the mix. Let him make his own decision about what he is, and isn't, prepared to do.

Loopytiles · 31/12/2016 07:29

I would end the relationship because he let you down badly and repeatedly during pregnancy, and (even worse) you and DD down since she arrived. And that he hasn't taken steps to try to deal with his issues over fatherhood, in order to be a good father and partner.

I would seek to set up formal maintenance and access arrangements and encourage him to see her, but minimise your own contact with him.

ChishandFips33 · 31/12/2016 07:31

I'm with those saying some men find babies unexciting and to give it time

Some new mams find it hard in the early days but we don't tell them to walk away

If his dad buggered off then he's not had that role model of how to be a dad so that may be a factor

From the things you're saying It sounds like he's doing ok and doing more and more - your idea to link his guitar hobby to time with your daughter is great as that's something he enjoys

Some people find talking to babies and being silly with them uncomfortable as they don't talk back. As baby gets older and more responsive he'll start to get the 'rewards'

Have you you tubed some appropriate dad/baby videos to show give him some ideas

Maybe your internal picture of what parenthood would look like is clouding this a little - could you look objectively at his time with his daughter and see that he has/is making progress and to give him a chance

tribpot · 31/12/2016 07:43

Some new mams find it hard in the early days but we don't tell them to walk away

They also don't spend their pregnancies saying they won't be a parent to their child and the child is 100% the responsibility of the father. That they're only staying in order to be in a relationship with the father. That if the father broke up with them they would leave and never see their child again.

This is not the same situation.

minifingerz · 31/12/2016 08:40

If a mother said she didn't love her new baby we'd all be thinking PND, go to your GP and ask for help.

Why is it seen as massively dysfunctional and in need of therapeutic intervention for a mother to fail to bond with her newborn but tolerable and understandable for a father to fail to bond?

differentnameforthis · 31/12/2016 08:44

HermioneWoozle Actually, the father here is acting exactly like my mother did in my early months....

BumDNC · 31/12/2016 08:45

I think this can happen to some dads - babies and bonding is something that can grow but I have an instance where it did not.

I did not bond with my DD2 for 6 months, and sadly my Exdp never really did. And she's now 12. She was a very sicky crying baby and I had PND. We did all the basic meeting her needs but it wasn't until I was better that I felt the bond develop. Sadly by that time Exdp had kind of given up. He did what I asked but not because he wanted to. The difference between his treatment of my DD1 and now his DD3 (not my child, he has this with someone else now) is very very obvious - he's always been almost besottedly in love with these girls as babies and toddlers, and now very close to DD1 as a teen but not my DD2. It is obvious now their personalities do not mesh but this is compounded by the lack of bond. He did not want another baby back then and found her a burden. He is very critical of her unnecessarily and allows DD1 to get away with all sorts so it's not fair.

My DD2 deals with this quite well mentally as I don't think it's affecting her life at the moment but I worry for her as an adult how she will see the role of men - she already talks that they are useless and we don't need them and I think she doesn't have much faith or respect for men, and not her dad. She has a father she sees regularly and does not feel she has missed out or wants for anything because she doesn't feel bonded to him either, but is very bonded to me. So far she has quite a dislike for him and I think she will soon stop visiting him. If I didn't have DD1 I think he may not be in her life at all!

I don't know what I am trying to say but it doesn't always improve even with years.

Batteriesallgone · 31/12/2016 08:50

People saying it's not normal - how do you know?

This guy is struggling to put words to his emotions and has come up with the rather simplistic I don't want / never wanted a baby. It's easy to imagine that that may have become a line he hides behind.

The baby is loved by the mum and grandparents. She is being kept safe and is in no danger from this man. I can't see how she will suffer right now from the OP remaining in the relationship. Once the child is 1 or 2 that starts to change but for now OP does have a short window to see how things develop.

differentnameforthis · 31/12/2016 08:54

Some new mams find it hard in the early days but we don't tell them to walk away Not many mums catorgorically state that they do not want a baby at all, and will not see their baby if their relaltionship fails. This is not a father failing to bond (believe me, dh failed to bond with dd2 and there is a huge difference here in that dh never once said he didn't want her/refuse to participate in christmases etc, and admit he would not see her if we broke up) This man does not want his child.

Batteriesallgone · 31/12/2016 08:55

I wouldn't mini.

I for one would be saying 'me too, give it another few months. Don't feel bad, as long as baby is cared for there is plenty of time for a proper bond to develop.'