Boyfriend doesn't want to be a dad to our daughter!

[user1465649950]

Hi, I'm new to posting.
Just looking for some advice as I really don't know what to do!
I'm 19 and have a daughter who's 3 months, the pregnancy wasn't planned and my boyfriend (he's 23) really didn't want a baby at this time or ever! I gave him the option to go when I told him, but he was adamant he didn't want to break up, but also didn't want to be a dad. So through out pregnancy he maintained that, was supportive to me, but not interested in the baby at all. I broke things off a few times and we'd get back together, each time he'd try to be a bit more bothered.
Everyone said he'd be better once the baby was here and I guess I hoped that would be true. He's not though, he'll do things to help me out, he'll hold her, bath her and he says he wouldn't want anything to happen to her. When I ask if he loves her though he won't say, just says he loves me! He doesn't want to be a father, he won't make any decisions with me about her, wouldn't choose Christmas presents, shows little to no interest in how she is, he shows no interest in spending time with her, unless I ask him to do so for me.
He wasn't intrested at all over Christmas for her, he bought me lovely gifts, but only came down to see her open hers because I insisted (I know she didn't really know at 3 months, but still!!)
We ended up arguing and I told him it's over! He's really upset and promising he'll try harder. All I get is how much he loves me though and not her! I feel so bad for her, she is so perfect and such a good easy baby, I can't understand why he doesn't feel like I do about her! He's begging for us to stay together and I do love him. He just says he doesn't want to be a father but will do whatever I ask of him so we can be together! I asked him to be true full and if we broke up would he see her at all and he said no!
I don't even know what I'm asking! I keep thinking maybe it's better we are together and at least she will know him and he's trying, maybe he'll get better as she gets older. I really don't know!!
Just to add, both my parents and his mum are supportive and his mum keeps trying to get him to be more involved too. My parents were young when they had me and I always kinda felt that their relationship was more important than me, and my dad was always, very foucused on his work/hobbies. I'm aware I'm with someone similar (that's a load of other issues though)
And I don't want that for my daughter!

minifingerz Because in this case, it is not failure to bond! He has interest in the child and hasn't since the pregnancy

There's a lot of projection on this thread. Your DP isn't a partner struggling to bond. From his own words and actions, he doesn't want to bond. He isn't a new mum struggling with pnd and he's already refused counselling when you first suggested it.
He will always be her dad but you don't have to try to micro-manage whether that's an emotional or financial relationship.
Your OP made me feel desperately sorry for you. You have a wonderful new DD and it must be hurtful to see him being so dismissive. For your own sanity, I would limit your contact with him until he decides he's ready to be a father.
Congratulations on your DD

He has no interest in the baby

a lot of amateur-psychology on here cutting this selfish, deluded little boy too much slack.

He has said loud and clear that he doesnt love the child, wouldnt see her if you werent together and doesnt want to be a Dad. This has been throughout pregnancy and post birth

What IS his hope here? - that he loves you and when its appropriate for him you can play with your kitten? (because thats what he's treating your baby like) and when he wants to be with you.... you put the kitten in its box and it'll be as if she doesnt exist? ....or is it that if he says he loves you enough you will choose him and somehow the baby will disappear like in a fairy tale?

What a silly, pathetic excuse for a man.

And yes, this will mess up your kid, my DM was not interested in me in the slightest (though fine with DB)- and its not nice and leaves you with little confidence, inabilty to show affection / build relationships and just all round pretty ill prepared for some aspects of life.

people you make good points but you must realise we are all amateurs here, unless you are a professional psychiatrist.

To be fair many mothers and fathers do not bond immediately with their babies. It can take time. Try not to make a big issue of it at this stage. If he still feels this way in 6 months time then consider your options.

I'm so sorry you are going through this.
He really needs to grow up.you should finish with him and cut all contact until he is willing to step up and be a proper father to his little girl!
There are step father's out there who are more loving caring and actually interested in their step children's lives than he seems to be with his biological child!
Please move on and find somebody who would love to love you AND your lovely daughter.

People are bit harsh.
He did say from the outset he didn't want a baby. You both should have made sure that didn't happen.
That said you have a beautiful baby. Keep involving his mum as it's not fair on her to cut all ties. Your daughter will not thank you for doing that in later years, and to be honest comes across as nasty.
Not sure what sort of relationship your boyfriend thinks he can have with you now??? Your baby is there for keeps

italiangreyhound agree wholeheatedly, all opinions valid, just jars with me to see this adult coddled when he WILL damage this child. - as a near 40yr old I'm still affected by the apathy and disinterest of a parent. To the point I'm pregnant now and worry will I be a good DM? will I mess up my kid? do I even know how to bond?

All just unfair for OP's baby.... and to OP stuck in the middle

Thank you for the responses! Still haven't figured thequoting out apologies. I'm too tired to look into it!
I'll try answear the questions raised though!
I live with my parents, he rents a house with two friends. We see each other around 4 times a week same as we did before dd!
I've no concerns at all that he'd hurt her or anything, he never loses his temper with her or anything. If she cries he picks her up and will comfort her.
Someone mentioned me being depressed, no I really don't think I am. I don't think he is either!
It's difficult to express on here, I don't think it's just bonding or not knowing what to do with a baby though! He's definitely been faking it for my benefit and I think I'm only just really noticing that he's not got any better!
He has no photos of her on his phone or social media, 5 of a guitar on Instagram and not one of his daughter! I made him put one on Facebook when she was born so his family who don't live locally could see her. He never replied to a single comment, barring one asking about me! Not even to his grandparents! His brothers have really highlighted it for me, they were excited to give her Christmas presents and play with her, even though she didn't have a clue! They both posted pictures of her on Instagram and are proud she's their neice, yet he's not that she's his daughter!
He doesn't complain that she's changed our relationship or anything and he says it doesn't bother him, I'm breastfeeding and he's supportive with that, was understanding with the lack of sex and us being able to just go out when we wanted! When he's here he doesn't seem like he'd rather be elsewhere or anything. But he doesn't think of her, he bought us tickets for a pub tonight, there's a band on and I said it sounded good and he should go, he proudly said he got us both tickets. I said I can't go because of the baby, it was like he just hadn't thought about her. He then said maybe his mum would watch her, until I mentioned feeding! Like he'd forgotten! He then said it's ok, we will stay in, I said he can go, but he said he'd rather be with me!
I don't know what he sees the future like really, I find that hard to get out of him!

He's not on the autistic spectrum is he?

OP in light of what you have just said I must admit things do not sound hopeful. To be honest it sounds like it has not sunk in (the knowledge of his daughter being a real person) whether it will or not, who knows!

Despite what we might all say, the choice is your choice. I think his attitude will eat away at your love for him. Counselling may help him even if the relationship fails.

I think if he does not grasp the nettle and get help in 10 or 20, or even 5, years time he will be sad he lost what he had.

Good luck.

I don't think so patchouli, he's affectionate with me and family members and he is with dd to a point, it's just likes he'd be with someone else's baby. If that makes sense?

The quoting? You can put things in speaxh marks like regular typing or make things bold by placing an asterisk * at the start and end of the sentence. The asterisk must touch the first and final words.

For the quote options, tap on the italic I under the box you type you comments in and then tap on the one you want and when you type in the middle of those characters it changes the font when you post it.

Many of us can understand not bonding with a child, difference in this case was his insistence through pregnancy he didn't want a child and his refusal to do the basics of care for his child with being asked to as a favour to the mother.

That's a huge difference.

It certainly does sound as if he regards the baby as having nothing to do with him, she's a mere tool that can be used to keep you in his life

doesn't really go out often, calls when he says he will

Op this makes me think you have a very low standard of what you expect from a partner in a relationship.

Now I read you don't even live together and only see each other 4 times a week.

You need to separate the relationship issue from the father/daughter relationship issue.

For the father/daughter bonding he needs some alone time with her. Can you express milk so he can have her one full day a week? Has he ever had sole care of her?

It's sounds like you are still in the early stages of a relationship with him and don't know him very well. Why don't you live together? Do you share finances? It sounds like he wants someone to date not a partner. You have a child now so being someone's 'pick up when they feel like it' date isn't appropriate anymore.

Just concentrate on your relationship with your DD and getting to uni. Leave his relationship with his DD to him.

It would be good to have some opinions from other men, I imagine they would condemn him far more severely that we have

He forgets that she needs to be fed
I wouldn't leave her alone with him

I think the fact you do not live together will make it easier on the long term, to move on if that is what you decide to do.

OP it's early days and he doesn't live with his DD. You are the primary care giver and you live with your DD. It's not surprising you have bonded quicker than he has.

If you are happy together otherwise I'd say give it time, she's still so young. Many men don't bond with their DC till the child is a bit older and more interactive.

I noticed DP and DS bonded much more when he had sole charge of him on a regular basis.

Are there plans for you to move in together? You will need a lot of support with looking after the baby when studying, it may be that when they spend more time together they will find their own relationship.

Just because he's not interested in a baby now doesn't mean he won't develop a bond with her over time as she becomes a toddler and child.

"He's definitely been faking it for my benefit and I think I'm only just really noticing that he's not got any better!"

What is he faking? How? You have said all along he doesn't want to be a father. You have the impression he was not interested. So where does the faking come in?

3 months is very early days. Babies do nothing interesting.

Fwiw I didn't bond with my first until she was nearer 5 or 6 months and more interactive. I don't think i bothered with christmas at 10 weeks because what's the point?

Like the o/p i wouldn't have wanted harm to come to her, and did everything i needed to, but it was out of responsibility, not love.

I didn't bond at all during the pregnancy, i didn't enjoy it at all, hated the feeling of something inside me, and just wanted it over.

If your relationship is otherwise working well I'd give him a bit more time.

bee no I don't have a low standard, the things I mentioned were just the first things I thought of that my friends complain about from their boyfriends. We don't live together, as I'm only just 19, and was planning on going away to uni, before baby! He has suggested it since we had her, but as I'm not sure about our relationship, I don't want to move in with him! We've been together since I was 16 though.
We always did the 4 days as we both have hobbies, things we do without each other and we were happy with that! He stayed for the first two weeks and then we went back to the status quo! I've said he can come see dd if he wants on the days he doesn't see me, he's not bothered to though. If I asked him to he would come though. No he's never been left with her. I'm just starting to try expressing and introducing a bottle at the moment, I'm not keen though!
Don't share finances, he gives me a set amount each week for dd, his choice I never asked! And he has set up a savings account for her and he puts money in each week!