Husband has ended it.

[itsovernow1]

Hi
New user looking for advice.

Short story - We have been married 20 yrs, 2 kids 16 and 19. 16 yr old is at college and 19 yr old is away at Uni (1st yr). We have a 4 yr old dog.

Never been the best marriage, but I thought we were ticking away. Wrong! OH has apparently been thinking for some time he wants out and has made that decision. Btw it's probably a 50/50 'blame' for this. I'm not the easiest person to live with, as I have just been disagnosied with depression probably going back to PND with DS.

He emailed me (we do things that way, not healthy, I know) 4 weeks ago saying he wants out. I rang him to talk and he basically said he's had enough, he's detached and would rather live on his own. I said I think we can work through things and can talk it out. He said we need to talk and that was that. He picked our son up from the station on his way home as son was coming home for the weekend and nothing else was said. Even when we took the dog for a walk the next morning.

Then 2 weeks ago I received another email from OH saying the same as the first, wondering why I’d been acting normally (I thought he’d been thinking about things as I had mentioned on the phone but apparently not) but telling me he's been looking for places to stay near his work which is 45 miles away. It's just about doable re: money wise, as he spends a lot on petrol.

We have a mortgage of 82K (11 yrs to run), joint debts of 42k (credit cards only). The house is worth about 280,000 I think so plenty of equity there. But obviously taking into account the mortgage and debts that equity is cut in half.

The problem I foresee is my situation. I have had no job for pretty much all of our marriage. I worked until we had our first 19 yrs ago but it wasn't financially viable to carry on so I stopped. I had a 1 yr admin contract about 10 yrs ago at a kids nursery (it was closing down so lady who worked there wanted out for another job). But that's it. I don't have any career qualifications unfortunately.

I do want to work and know I have to but my confidence level is pretty much 0. I don't have any real skills to speak of and am terrified right now! Yes it's my fault I am in this situation but I am 'sh*ting' myself right now.

After 1 week of doing nothing but job searching I do have a part time (16 hrs) job starting on Tues in the evenings at local diy store. I could have done another (carers) job I had been offered but right now I don’t feel I could commit to something that needs so much emotional involvement and more hours for not much more money.

We made the work decision for myself together and OH hasn't pushed it (we both don't like confrontation). It worked for us. And as he left early and came back late workdays it meant I looked after everything here at home.

We have a dog which means working full time is out at the moment as we don't really have family close by or friends to let him out during the day. If I can move into a full time job with good wages I can obviously pay a dog walker (or come home to let him out)

OH says he wants to talk so we can make this transition as smooth as possible. So do I. I am not after fleecing him. I just want a roof over our heads and money to pay the bills. I know in time the house will have to be sold but right now it's worrying. I don't really want to end up renting. And even flats around our way are quite expensive.

OH has said that bringing things up about the separation is ‘tough’ as I’m not particularly receptive. Well go figure! I will talk about it but obviously I am angry/emotional whereas he’s way past that point.

What would people advise as the next steps to take? I don't even know where to start as my head is spinning. Right now I am concerned about my daughter (mainly, as son is the independent one) and the money. The kids are OK with it and they aren’t surprised! Strange response but makes me feel slightly better they’re handling it well.

At the moment things are amicable but OH wants to rent a room in a house (private) which is further away from work than first hoped and is more money. Once we know my wages we can obviously nail the finances but right now I’m still worried.
I’d love to keep the house and the mortgage payments are very reasonable as the rate is so low but I would never be able to get a mortgage to cover what we owe as my (soon to be wages) are so low plus the debts are taken into account. OH is on about 4 times my soon to be wage.

Thank you.

I agree with kitty - it's all about him. Even your posts are all about what he wants. Then you go on to explain how you are going to deliver that.

I'm not blaming you BTW , just observing. Not surprising if it's been like that for twenty years. I'm guessing you were quite young when you got together so you will only be about early forties now, is that right ?

I understand that he wants to be " alone " , which seems to mean " I want to walk away from all my responsibilities and leave you to deal with them singlehanded. " . Which sounds like what's been going on for your whole marriage.

I'm afraid that life's not like that. Your son is not off his hands because he's at uni. DD is still a kid. They both still need their parents, even though they can act all independent.

The dog and the debts won't go away .

Don't you facilitate this for him. Do not repeat NOT let him come to your house when he wants to see the kids. That's just encouraging him to think that he can dip in and out of family life as he pleases. He needs to make plans to see them regularly elsewhere . He can go and see your son at uni and come and take your DD out somewhere, Until he gets sorted with accommodation. He needs to make all the plans for this not you.

What are his plans for dealing with the dog?

Have you worked out what maintenance he needs to pay for the kids ? There are calculators online. Though I'm sure he will want to pay more than the minimum, only skinflints do that.

You really need some proper legal advice . Do not trust your own instincts about what is fair as they have been warped by living under his domination for so long. Remember you have three adults to suport and he has one, you need more that 50% .

You know the savings you have? The ones you put aside for the car repairs. Withdraw half of them and out in an account in your own name. You can use that to pay the lawyers bill.

" I'm one of these that can need a 2nd opinion in some situations. Validation I guess."

I was like that. And my Ex while we were together was, like yours, not good at giving any opinion. This made us both worse at decision making, I think.

When I initiated our split, and after, when I found myself dealing with Adult Stuff Alone, MN was my source of 2nd opinions (and 3rd, 4th, 5th...) - I used search to find what I needed, or sometimes posted.

Kr1stina - yes I'm 43.
At the moment I guess I want to keep him 'sweet'. He's trying to be helpful and as I'm not earning I don't want to p*ss him off more than I have to by being honest!
He'll be paying all the bills when he moves out until I get my 1st pay packet at the end of Jan. Then we can decide who pays what. Until then paying maintenance for DD isn't possible as there isn't any money left. He'll still be living here (I think) until then as well.

His answer to the dog was to (as a last resort) send him back to the breeder, specially if we have to rent when house is sold as most don't allow pets. between now and then I don't think he's thought of the dog as he's slowly become less involved. He doesn't play with him any more or put him to bed. He did take him for a walk on xmas day when me and the kids went to my dads for xmas lunch.

I did look at the online calculators for maintenance , he'd pay the minimum judging by that.

I have been thinking about making a new account away from the regular bank we use, so I can keep track of money that way. We haven't made a firm plan about the finances yet but I think tomorrow we will have to go through them and start. It needs to be done. I admit I have been slacking on that as I think I wanted to avoid it (makes me emotional/angry/you name it) which isn't helpful. He's very unemotional which doesn't help.

As I said I'm going to ask BIL's brother for his advice on his solicitor (as a recommendation) failing that I'll find one locally (not the free 1/2 hr one I saw!). I might take my sister along as well as she's a very feisty character and will probably be able to think of things I haven't.

TheSilveryPussycat = oh geez yes, I don't make a decision, he doesn't and we both say we don't mind so nothing gets sorted or it's the wrong decision for one of us!

I think I need someone who has, not a strong opinion, but has a decisive streak.

I've been fine the past couple of days without OH around, actually doing things by myself that I normally wouldn't do, and when he does go away I find I cope and feel a bit more empowered (if that's not a stupid saying). I have to do it so I do kind of thing. But luckily today DS was here and he was able to help when my PC went t*ts up! I am OK with them but slightly clueless when it goes wrong whereas he has learnt (from OH and himself) and is very helpful. When DS isn't here and neither is OH I'll be up the creek! But OH has said he'll still help when needed.

I'm hoping we can keep the house going for quite a while as the mortgage is quite a good one with low interest rates, goes down quite quickly. It should be lower but we've taken money against it keeping it stable at a certain amount. It would benefit both of us for equity if we kept it a while longer. Concentrated on paying the debts off. He has said he doesn't want equity (at the moment), which is fine if we sell and the mortgage/debts are paid but won't be enough to buy much around here. The kids need a home to come back to, that's my main concern. And yes I am liable for that, I understand. But I wouldn't get a mortgage on my own I feel. That's my concern. But that's another hurdle to look at down the line.

I really don't know what to suggest re: OH and DD meeting up. At least coming here I know he's not just wandering around a shopping centre with her. Although if he comes here I'm not sure what they'll do either!

OH said he was going to let me know what was happening re: travelling back from where he was, so far no text, nothing. Kind of annoying. I'll live! But I can't be bothered to text him, I just won't make enough dinner for him and he can have a cheese sandwich if hungry!
It's the communication in this situation that bugs me.
end of rant!

Looking back through your posts it looks as if you have been quite passive throughout this marriage - that is not a criticism BTW, I have been the same in my marriage.

If you look at some of the examples you have given - credit cards, the motor bike, insurance etc. - it seems as if you would have been better to trust your own judgement rather than listen to him so much. Don't let this happen again!

From now on, if you think something about the divorce settlement, stand up and tell him! It sounds as if he really isn't very good with money, don't let yourself be dragged down by more poor decisions - trust yourself.
(I repeat - I have behaved in a similar way and I know it's hard to break patterns like this, but it needs to be done.)

You don't need to suggest anything about him seeing the kids. It's up to HIM to organise that . They are 16 and 19!

He's the one who wants to leave, I assume he's taken that all into account. After all, who would decide to leave their marriage and not have a plan for the kids?

Stop doing stuff for him. Why are you trying to make it all easy for him ? I'm not saying be hostile, just politely ask " what are your plans for seeing the kids ? " and don't offer any suggestions at all. If he says he will say them at yours, just say " I'm sorry that doesn't work for me" .

Otherwise he will turn up every second weekend with a bag of laundry and expect you to cook him dinner. And sit in your living room watching TV ask ith his feet on the coffee table , drinking and ignoring your DD. Then he'll announce at midnight that he can't drive back as he's had too much to drink so can he just stay.

Honestly he sounds like a teenager. Wants to move out to party with his mates and shag girls but come home to mum for domestic servicing .

Why on earth are you making dinner for him when you are just about to split up?
Please tell me you are not doing his laundry and having sex with him too ?

I was surprised to find that decision making became easier with practice :) (although I still have a tendency to over-research and get a bit angsty). Some decisions have been better than others, however they are my decisions - and if things go a bit wrong, I am not on the receiving end of disapproval from he-who-wouldn't-contribute-properly-in-the-first-place.

Take things slow, one step at a time.

Yes - it seems as if you are running around and trying to organise everything, while he is just gently drifting away from his responsibilities.

That needs to stop! He made the decision to go, he can deal with the consequences! The more you do, the less responsibility he will take.

I am beginning to feel angry on your behalf.

Op, did you notice that naice is the THIRD poster on this thread to say that they are getting angry at your husband. I wonder why that is.

BTW did you check out the support thread on the divorce board ? The women there are very kind and knowledgeable.

Naicehamshop - I'm a quiet shy person really, that's how my sister and dad describe me anyway! I'm the one sitting in the corner watching everyone else, that's my problem. I like to keep the peace.
And when I had my mood swings (PMS) and said things I shouldn't it makes feel horrible.
Your reply about it has been the same as my sis/dad's replies tbh. I'm not the best with money but over the yrs I have been more sensible and wasn't in debt when I lived with my sis, only since I got married. I try to find the best deals with things.

Kr1stina - I guess I want to make it easier to see DD as it's about her, not him. I will ask him what his plans are, but I think I know as he's said he'd come back here at the weekend to see her.

He hasn't had a plan past moving out. Even then I think he thought it would be easier and more local to work. My family are bemused at why he's trying to do it so quickly. My BIL's brother, as I said, took 2 yrs after the decision to split before he finally moved out as he wanted to not rush and make sure the kids were taken care of. OH hasn't thought about it.
Oh when he moves out I won't be doing his laundry or cooking for him, unless DS comes home and I think a family meal would be easier.

He doesn't watch TV, just plays on his PC, he doesn't drink (or smoke) although he might start! His life.
Well, yeah I still cook. I make dinner as he works long hours and if I'm making us all dinner it seems silly not to make his. He still pays the bills.

Yes I'm doing his laundry but the sex hasn't been there for a while! Never have time (he's in bed by 9 to get up early) and it became (time-wise) to regimented (DD at college when he could come home early)... but it's a 50/50 with that as I really can't be bothered either (and previous yrs wasn't in the mood). It's never been earth shattering. (again 50/50 on that).

I suppose I don't want to make an atmosphere. We're still very civil. DD would be in the middle. I've been there (only once when my parents had a really bad argument when I was a teenager) and it wasn't nice.

He is more like a lodger now really. He will do things around the house if asked but I don't. Easier to do it myself. There are plenty of things that need fixing/sorting out (list on the fridge!) that he's better at but I doubt that will get done. I'll need to work through that when he's done! Done right or not, it'll be done! Apart from the gas pipe to the hob, that'll be the gas fitter my sister uses who'll sort that! I don't care how much it costs. it needs to be done. And the boiler serviced! When it's just me and DD I want to make sure the house won't go up!

I will check out the divorce thread yes. I'll have time this evening/weekend.

OH isn't a bad guy. He really isn't. I don't know what he's thinking most of the time, specially now. And my BIL (who is a genuinely laid back nice guy) has noticed over the past few yrs OH getting more distant. BIL actually said Xmas day was more relaxed without him there! (as did I actually).
It's just a case of 2 people being wrong for each other. But realising too long after the wedding!

I think he's already created an atmosphere by announcing that he's leaving. And no one is suggesting that you are uncivil. Just that you don't cook, clean and wash for him. Have some self respect .

You sound like a lovely person who is getting walked all over TBH.

You do sound lovely OP - you will be great when your life doesn't include pussyfooting around this pillock.

Berating the op for decisions made jointly with her husband 19 years ago is pointless and nasty. It was also pretty common to make that decision then, maybe the posters making those comments aren't old enough to understand that?

"OP can't do care work because "it's below her" - poorly paid. "

That's NOT what she said! She said because she is not mentally well herself at the moment and going through a stressful event she didn't feel she would be able to give her all! She also said that the other job (when balancing cost of transport etc) worked out to bring in more! That's a completely sensible pragmatic decision. Do you really think people do 'worthy' jobs just because they are? No they do them because they like and are good at them and if they pay enough for their needs. And I'm speaking as an ex nurse who mainly worked in elderly care. Someone who is not mentally strong enough at that time to do the job well is actually going to create more work for others and potentially dangerous to clients.

Her low self esteem is probably why she thinks she has little to offer an employer, no 'career' qualifications does not mean no qualifications at all. Plus there are transferable skills learned from running a home and raising 2 children, plus skills from before then. Op just needs guidance on identifying and utilising these.

There are some really nasty ignorant posts on this thread! Not just the one referenced above. Geez even the notoriously misogynistic legal system accepts that sahp DO contribute to a marriage and its income even though this is not directly financially.

As someone with long term mh issues myself please don't dismiss medication. You wouldn't resist it for a physical condition would you? If you had asthma you'd use inhalers/steroids, an infection antibiotics this is no different, there's no shame in taking them and no medals for not.

Good post ledkr

And yes I'd lay odds on another woman too. He's willing to be a lodger for now because it's temporary. I reckon 3 months 'oh I've met someone' 6 months 'we're moving in together' the motorbike bought 8 months ago rather points to mid life crisis/wanting to appear 'young and cool and risky' to someone. As for the text he was hiding the other day - he may have been discussing ow with her which is why he was hiding it. And the nights away 'with work' sound like a new development too.

"You're under-reacting!" I agree

Why are you doing so much for him? Pandering to him when he's dropped this bombshell on you? Possibly the depression, you need to find your anger. I'm angry on your behalf!

Definitely
A much better lawyer (ask as many people as possible for recommendations)
A separate bank account

I also think terrible idea him seeing dd at yours, I too think he'll take advantage. Absolutely no reason he can't take her for a meal, coffee, shopping, cinema, to his house share (which I'm very sceptical about as you know so little about it and only what he's told you).

Good luck I think you're going to need it.

I hope it goes well for u op. Can u get on a course at all to get prepared for when the youngest is 18 to retrain? Government courses are available (and you should be eligible to get a loan through student finance, and doesn't have to be a degree, but hey, u could!!) u just have to pay it back when ur earning over £20k, and its reasonable repayments.

You do need to make sure you're getting all the benefits you're entitled to so look into it. There are many places (ask at job centre) who offer free/basic courses for adults in IT. How's the time to find out.

Good luck!! You can do it!!!

Now's not hows!
U're not ur!!

OMG!!

Mrskeats, fully agree with you! Yes, OP has contributed with raising children etc BUT what happened when said children started school? Do you all defensive posers want to tell me she couldn't have gotten a part time job during school hours or full time and hired a childminder? And worse, what about when children are over 13 and don't really need much looking after in the day? Also, DOG argument for not getting a full time job - seriously ridiculous!

ImpetuousBride - Oh I fully agree I could have done a job then. I admit that. Wish I had, but sadly can't turn the clock back. Now I can do a job - and have to and want to so we shall see what 2017 brings. My confidence and self-esteem played a huge part in what I thought I could do sadly. Now I am dealing with that and hoping actually going to work will have a positive effect. I shall find out Tues!

The dog comments seem to be reading wrong. I didn't say I couldn't get a full time job because of him. I am factoring him into my decision for what I've taken for now. A full time job is in the near future but for now it didn't make financial or practical sense. Getting a job was the main priority and I have. Hopefully that is a path to a full time job once things have calmed down and I've looked after myself.

The job situation was also because OH didn't always work local (quite a lot really!) so it was easier for me to be at home to deal with everything as he wasn't close by. Not an excuse, just part of the reason.

BigFatBollocks - I have looked online at local courses/retraining, my problem right now is I'm not sure what to do. Caring or support worker looks and sounds like something I would be good at and would like, so maybe I'll check out those courses, although the place I could have gone to work trains you on the job so that could be a better move. The degree stuff requires good GCSE's and I'm afraid I don't have them!

I've got to defend the motorbike. It's not the 1st one, he started with a moped for work, then worked up, the 125 he had wasn't meaty enough for the journey to work when he moved, so he got a car, then this yr we went the motorbike route again. Wasn't the best move this time though. Still not meaty enough for the journey during wet/winter weather. I was jealous of the bike tbh. He was never interested before he bought one, I always wanted to ride one but couldn't justify it. What would I do with a bike!

The work away thing has happened before, it's just very sporadic. He is stressed about work right now which isn't helping the situation I feel.

I'll talk to him about his plans for seeing DD. I know he hasn't thought it through. If he comes here (house) I don't know what they'd do anyway! A meal would be good, we have a lot of eating places around here, plus a cinema & shopping area. Going to his rented place wouldn't work as it's too far away and he'd have to use more in petrol back & forth which would be taken out of our strapped budget.

And he's back....

What do you mean? He's changed his mind?

itsover you don't have to explain things or justify decisions that you made years ago as a couple. You can just ignore posters who are rude, goody, judgy or think you have a time machine.

I see this play out all the time. Wife not having worked in years and husband wants to divorce.

It leaves you very vulnerable not working in decades. You loose work skills and can effectively be unemployable.

OP sorry if misread about the dog situation. Of course it's difficult to start from scratch after so many years and with no reliable qualifications etc but you've been already hired somewhere and that's a big step. You can always try applying for government help as well, if necessary - there are tax credits, mortgage payment schemes etc. And you will most certainly get some kind of maintence from your soon to be ex.

Well I asked OH about the room. It's more expensive that I'd hoped. All in all it's about £500 incl. him buying his own food. He can do his own laundry there and it includes all bills. Doesn't include any petrol he has to use. His first thought of cost was £300-350. So a little bit more expensive! Plus the deposit is one months rent upfront (400). He did say about moving in the last weekend of Jan (costing 3 extra days) and as we were talking about other things he said his holiday will reset and I suggested why not just take a day off to move in on the 1st Feb! He hadn't thought of that.

I told him tomorrow we are looking at the bills and the credit cards. He has no problem with that.

I asked about his plans to see DD. He said he would see her either every week or fortnight, and he'll talk to her and see if there's anything to do that weekend or not. He knows he can't come here and just sit, he has to take her out/do something.

We talked about the cars as the MOT's are due in Jan and have worked out a (provisional) plan for that.

I don't think he expected me to be so direct!