Husband has ended it.

[itsovernow1]

Hi
New user looking for advice.

Short story - We have been married 20 yrs, 2 kids 16 and 19. 16 yr old is at college and 19 yr old is away at Uni (1st yr). We have a 4 yr old dog.

Never been the best marriage, but I thought we were ticking away. Wrong! OH has apparently been thinking for some time he wants out and has made that decision. Btw it's probably a 50/50 'blame' for this. I'm not the easiest person to live with, as I have just been disagnosied with depression probably going back to PND with DS.

He emailed me (we do things that way, not healthy, I know) 4 weeks ago saying he wants out. I rang him to talk and he basically said he's had enough, he's detached and would rather live on his own. I said I think we can work through things and can talk it out. He said we need to talk and that was that. He picked our son up from the station on his way home as son was coming home for the weekend and nothing else was said. Even when we took the dog for a walk the next morning.

Then 2 weeks ago I received another email from OH saying the same as the first, wondering why I’d been acting normally (I thought he’d been thinking about things as I had mentioned on the phone but apparently not) but telling me he's been looking for places to stay near his work which is 45 miles away. It's just about doable re: money wise, as he spends a lot on petrol.

We have a mortgage of 82K (11 yrs to run), joint debts of 42k (credit cards only). The house is worth about 280,000 I think so plenty of equity there. But obviously taking into account the mortgage and debts that equity is cut in half.

The problem I foresee is my situation. I have had no job for pretty much all of our marriage. I worked until we had our first 19 yrs ago but it wasn't financially viable to carry on so I stopped. I had a 1 yr admin contract about 10 yrs ago at a kids nursery (it was closing down so lady who worked there wanted out for another job). But that's it. I don't have any career qualifications unfortunately.

I do want to work and know I have to but my confidence level is pretty much 0. I don't have any real skills to speak of and am terrified right now! Yes it's my fault I am in this situation but I am 'sh*ting' myself right now.

After 1 week of doing nothing but job searching I do have a part time (16 hrs) job starting on Tues in the evenings at local diy store. I could have done another (carers) job I had been offered but right now I don’t feel I could commit to something that needs so much emotional involvement and more hours for not much more money.

We made the work decision for myself together and OH hasn't pushed it (we both don't like confrontation). It worked for us. And as he left early and came back late workdays it meant I looked after everything here at home.

We have a dog which means working full time is out at the moment as we don't really have family close by or friends to let him out during the day. If I can move into a full time job with good wages I can obviously pay a dog walker (or come home to let him out)

OH says he wants to talk so we can make this transition as smooth as possible. So do I. I am not after fleecing him. I just want a roof over our heads and money to pay the bills. I know in time the house will have to be sold but right now it's worrying. I don't really want to end up renting. And even flats around our way are quite expensive.

OH has said that bringing things up about the separation is ‘tough’ as I’m not particularly receptive. Well go figure! I will talk about it but obviously I am angry/emotional whereas he’s way past that point.

What would people advise as the next steps to take? I don't even know where to start as my head is spinning. Right now I am concerned about my daughter (mainly, as son is the independent one) and the money. The kids are OK with it and they aren’t surprised! Strange response but makes me feel slightly better they’re handling it well.

At the moment things are amicable but OH wants to rent a room in a house (private) which is further away from work than first hoped and is more money. Once we know my wages we can obviously nail the finances but right now I’m still worried.
I’d love to keep the house and the mortgage payments are very reasonable as the rate is so low but I would never be able to get a mortgage to cover what we owe as my (soon to be wages) are so low plus the debts are taken into account. OH is on about 4 times my soon to be wage.

Thank you.

user1480613212 - I didn't say I didn't want to do care work, just not right now. It's a demanding job I imagine and my head is not in the right place just now, I will be looking into it a little further down the line and contacting the place who offered me the job to see if they have anything.

And yes I'll say it again, I am angry with myself for this situation. I understand it's my own fault. I can't change that now. I just need to look to the future.
How can I do further study if I don't know what I want to do though? That's my problem. Wouldn't it be pointless? I looked at OU courses (general ones to see what was available) and the prices were huge.

randomeragain - I will be keeping an eye on them yes. They say they're OK and seem to be to be honest. It was the shortest chat in history when we told them.

I'm struggling to see how you can move forward with that amount of debt hanging over your heads......... in honesty, you need to get the house on the market asap, pay the debts out of the equity and then ask for the lions share so that you can either use for a good deposit in future or perhaps part rent/part buy. I'm not surprised you are depressed having £42k worth of debt hanging over you, and given that you have a way of dealing with it (equity) I'd say that is your first priority. I used to work in domiciliary care, and found it worked very well with childcare/caring for a pet as you tend to get early am calls, then a gap until lunch, gap mid afternoons and then through from teatime to bedtime. I would earn £2k a month easily working full time, and it's surprisingly flexible if you find a good company to work for. You could progress using the NVQ system into care management or even nursing, it's a great return to work option but you do need to be careful as there are some very unscrupulous companies out there. I wish you luck.

I would look at this as a new start and good luck to you.

I would put money on him fall for his new landlord - sorry but 99.9% if the time men don't leave a marriage to be on Thier own.

User - why are you having a go at the OP? It's been four weeks and she's doing really well so far.

She didn't say she has " no skills at all " , that's your words. She said she has no career qualifications , which is different, stop putting her down.

She didn't say care work was beneath her.

Please get off her case and stop being so nasty. Seriously , what do you get from picking on a woman who is in crisis and asking for help ?

Itsover

I do empathise with you. Seek legal advice, you are entitled to support from your ex as it's the law.

Also seek advise on how to reduce your joint debts, as they are joint, you have a responsibility towards it too and your lenders won't care if you're divorced or not.

look into how to improve your work situation once you've had time to yourself. Also the open uni customer service might be able to help if you give them a ring.

I see you have some admin background, perhaps taking a professional exam like CIPD which you can prepare for in your own time might work?

I wish you all the best through this difficult time. It's never too late!

user1480613212 - thank you for your comments towards me. They don't help but you are entitled to your opinion.

My attitude towards things isn't as cut and dried as I've posted but I'm glad you've made assumptions.

I did not say care work was below me. I said right now it wouldn't work for me but I will look into it in the future (hopefully the next few months). The other job made more sense right now. After discussing it with my family and even OH agreed, they know me better and how I handle things.

I've never been a career orientated person. Had that one job I wanted in life. Wish I was. I will do everything to pay the bills without OH. Nothing is below me.

I did not say I couldn't work because of the dog. I will say when we got the dog it was a family decision and now suddenly it's all my problem. OH moves out and I have to deal with the dog.

The debts were racked up by both of us btw. Not just me. I've tried to encourage OH to look into them and deal with (most are in his name but seen as joint, rightly so) but he's not interested. I can't make him. I've tried.

I know the work involved to train as a midwife (my sister did it) and I know it's not the sort of work I could do. Sorry about that.

I did think twice about posting here for advice but decided to. On the whole you have all been very helpful and given me things to think about.
Thank you.

Kristina

I couldn't care less what you think. I gave my opinion just as you did yours.

care work is hard graft, draining, and unreliable. CAUTION

Yes you're all entitled to your opinion. But compassion goes a long way. We don't always make the 'right' decisions at the right time. We're human. The op thought long and hard about whether to post and she did. Can we all reserve our judgement and try and offer constructive help.

Apologies if my previous reply was harsh/rude. I was just typing as I was thinking. And I'm defensive right now.
I know I have created this mess and want to change everything. I willchange everything. It will just take time.

I did think about some sort of hospital role (like nursing) but not sure I can handle broken bones (blood doesn't bother me!). Midwifery was a suggestion my sister made actually, after seeing how much work she had to do and the time it took I'm not sure I'm that committed (or intelligent!) I'm more a practical person than an academic.

galaxygirl45 - yes the debt has been a millstone around our necks. I did suggest moving closer to OH's work after he started there but he didn't think that was suitable as the kids were doing GCSE's etc. My ideas to help with the debt (DMP) weren't taken well.
Your idea about the job, would that include using my own car? I did look into those jobs but my car is 18 yrs old and a gas guzzler, the money they wanted to pay per mile (10p!) was a shocker! Not to mention upgrading the insurance to business. I'd like to have a job that was based somewhere. Obviously in the future I will look into any job and I don't think anything is beneath me. I'd be a cleaner as the hours are flexible but I didn't get a call back for the local supermarket!
I don't mind working a full week, the busier the better to me.

The OH should take the dog.

FFS - user212! Read the bloody thread PROPERLY before you come on here and make thoughtless and unkind remarks. NOWHERE has the op said that care work is beneath her!

Well done for attacking and belittling someone who is already feeling crap.

Eugh user..212 just kicking the Op when she's down. Well done you.

Good luck OP, you'll get there.

Well looking at retraining just depressed me! OU is way out of my financial league right now. Plus I don't have the right GCSE's for a lot of courses. As I said I'm not an academic and my GCSE's aren't that good. Wish I'd done better but hey ho, it's too late to worry about that. I'd prefer learning on the job, like an apprenticeship but I'm out of the age range for that.
I did look at courses for the local college but the only course I'd think about doing (health and social care) is full time. Not sure how that would work with the evening job.

Some posters will tell you that your DH needs to be a "high earner" for you to get Spousal Maintenance but that isn't the case in every region. My XH was earning less than £40k.

It is unusual to get it with them not being a high earner. Especially with one DC classed as an adult and the other very close to it.

Plus 42k credit card debt is a lot.

If the OP was to get a mesher order, with the age of the DC it would be for a few years maximum.

The court would be very unlikely to take the dog into account as a reason you not work.

Get a SHL. You need to know where you stand, and what is possible. Start the job. Think what you want in terms of settlement. Carry on for a bit: keep an open mind, and it is likely that the thing you want to do next will emerge.

It is possible that your depression will recede once you feel more in control of your life again, too.

I think you have been given a rough ride OP. You have acted quickly and already got a PT job, despite having health issues.

I would leave it at that for now and claim tax credits until you feel stronger. Far better to do that than go under with all the added stress. Of course you should claim maintenance from DH, and from what you have said he is amenable to this.

I agree with PP that it's best to see a local solicitor who can advise you on what happens in your local courts in terms of financial settlements, as it really does vary a lot. I also got spousal maintenance as well as child maintenance and was working 16 hours a week. XH had a fairly normal job. Might not be applicable in your case though.

Just take it one day at a time. Good luck!

Agree with bloodypassword

Don't despise medication - it can help to stabilise your mood and thinking processes enough for you to benefit from counselling.

Wishing you all the best.

I agree about ADs - they helped me escape the situation which was in part causing my depression.

I think you really need to think carefully about what you want. Then make a list - for example, you want to stay in your house until your dd leaves full time education - and then put your list to a SHL and see what they advise.

No one wants to "fleece" their partner but don't make the mistake of letting yourself being taken advantage of.

BTW - the free half hour thing with a solicitor is often a bit of a waste of time. A really good (paid) solicitor could be worth their weight in gold.

I saw three solicitors two local and one out of town.
I too had always been a sahm

I used the solicitor who said I would get more than 50 per cent.

I got something like 72 percent.

I also used one who came with an excellent reputation.
Really wise to ask around.
Ours went court and it was expensive. His parting shot to me was always

See you in court. He knew it would bring me to my knees. It didn't quite.

He later said he was shafted in the divorce.
Go figure.
My solicitor advised me to go for the clean break. I'm so glad I did.
I got the house which was all paid for. He got his meagre pension.
I got to keep my savings.
He got his £30k of debt
He got some cash out of the sale of our holiday home. It wasn't huge.

It's still worth interviewing them though naice.
If they only say 50:50 they might settle for less than the op is entitled too.

Just a thought - How about charging to walk other people's dogs? It would fit around your dog's needs...

Also you could perhaps do a dog grooming. Also you could take people's dogs while they go away an extra dog a week is actually quite lucrative!

Sorry you are going through this.

Another idea is selling stuff on a market stall. Minimal outlay. And if it's the right product could make quite a bit. Good luck.