Husband has ended it.

[itsovernow1]

Hi
New user looking for advice.

Short story - We have been married 20 yrs, 2 kids 16 and 19. 16 yr old is at college and 19 yr old is away at Uni (1st yr). We have a 4 yr old dog.

Never been the best marriage, but I thought we were ticking away. Wrong! OH has apparently been thinking for some time he wants out and has made that decision. Btw it's probably a 50/50 'blame' for this. I'm not the easiest person to live with, as I have just been disagnosied with depression probably going back to PND with DS.

He emailed me (we do things that way, not healthy, I know) 4 weeks ago saying he wants out. I rang him to talk and he basically said he's had enough, he's detached and would rather live on his own. I said I think we can work through things and can talk it out. He said we need to talk and that was that. He picked our son up from the station on his way home as son was coming home for the weekend and nothing else was said. Even when we took the dog for a walk the next morning.

Then 2 weeks ago I received another email from OH saying the same as the first, wondering why I’d been acting normally (I thought he’d been thinking about things as I had mentioned on the phone but apparently not) but telling me he's been looking for places to stay near his work which is 45 miles away. It's just about doable re: money wise, as he spends a lot on petrol.

We have a mortgage of 82K (11 yrs to run), joint debts of 42k (credit cards only). The house is worth about 280,000 I think so plenty of equity there. But obviously taking into account the mortgage and debts that equity is cut in half.

The problem I foresee is my situation. I have had no job for pretty much all of our marriage. I worked until we had our first 19 yrs ago but it wasn't financially viable to carry on so I stopped. I had a 1 yr admin contract about 10 yrs ago at a kids nursery (it was closing down so lady who worked there wanted out for another job). But that's it. I don't have any career qualifications unfortunately.

I do want to work and know I have to but my confidence level is pretty much 0. I don't have any real skills to speak of and am terrified right now! Yes it's my fault I am in this situation but I am 'sh*ting' myself right now.

After 1 week of doing nothing but job searching I do have a part time (16 hrs) job starting on Tues in the evenings at local diy store. I could have done another (carers) job I had been offered but right now I don’t feel I could commit to something that needs so much emotional involvement and more hours for not much more money.

We made the work decision for myself together and OH hasn't pushed it (we both don't like confrontation). It worked for us. And as he left early and came back late workdays it meant I looked after everything here at home.

We have a dog which means working full time is out at the moment as we don't really have family close by or friends to let him out during the day. If I can move into a full time job with good wages I can obviously pay a dog walker (or come home to let him out)

OH says he wants to talk so we can make this transition as smooth as possible. So do I. I am not after fleecing him. I just want a roof over our heads and money to pay the bills. I know in time the house will have to be sold but right now it's worrying. I don't really want to end up renting. And even flats around our way are quite expensive.

OH has said that bringing things up about the separation is ‘tough’ as I’m not particularly receptive. Well go figure! I will talk about it but obviously I am angry/emotional whereas he’s way past that point.

What would people advise as the next steps to take? I don't even know where to start as my head is spinning. Right now I am concerned about my daughter (mainly, as son is the independent one) and the money. The kids are OK with it and they aren’t surprised! Strange response but makes me feel slightly better they’re handling it well.

At the moment things are amicable but OH wants to rent a room in a house (private) which is further away from work than first hoped and is more money. Once we know my wages we can obviously nail the finances but right now I’m still worried.
I’d love to keep the house and the mortgage payments are very reasonable as the rate is so low but I would never be able to get a mortgage to cover what we owe as my (soon to be wages) are so low plus the debts are taken into account. OH is on about 4 times my soon to be wage.

Thank you.

Well done for managing the uni trip successfully (I always get lost somewhere when visiting my son at uni and he is now in his 4th year!)

Sounds like it could be positive as regards work hours as well. KOKO - you are doing well.

You are coming along in leaps and bounds Over!

His post has been coming here (and he's been collecting it when seeing DD - every 3 week or so) but lately I've had nothing, so maybe he's done a re-direction. Can't be arsed to ask him tbh. I did tell him to change all the credit cards to his new address otherwise I'd start sending them back, that might have spurred him into action. Not even junk mail has been coming here that's why I think he's done the redirection. We don't talk unless absolutely necessary - even then it's by text or email.
Not sure what 'won't open mail' means. I open all my mail. (but I won't open his if that's what you're referring to).

I can fill in a form, doesn't mean it's right. As I said, I fret about filling things in correctly, I like 2nd opinions to check them for me. TBH I wouldn't go to CAB, as my last experience was useless. I knew more than them from googling things myself. Some are probably good, and the man we saw was very nice, but didn't really know more than what I already did.

I've searched mumsnet and found some 'Iwashappy' threads and not sure who they are, or why you think I'm them, but whatever floats your boat. I'm not them and obviously can't prove it.

I'm a her. Why are you reporting me? what have I done? I came here to ask for advice. Which I've been given every step of the way so far.

Why is that sentence a problem? The bin men came before we left, I didn't put it back in the garage and left it outside. I was paranoid he'd come back to get the bike while we were out. It's the weekend and he's not at work so he'd have time. I wanted warning if he'd been here, hence the bin being positioned so I'd know if it had been moved. It wasn't.

You seem intent on calling me a liar which I'm confused about. I'm sorry you don't believe me. I wish I didn't believe me as the sh*t wouldn't be hitting the fan and I wouldn't be in this mess. STBXH would still be here and I'd be oblivious to how unhappy he obviously was.

You have all been helpful. But sadly I'm not the best with these things and would rather bury my head in the sand sometimes. Not sure what else to say. I thought I could use this thread as a sort of diary/venting thing (as I can't vent to DD).

I'm a bit confused as to why HH has reported you too OP. I don't know this other user she mentions, but in any case I thought you were supposed to just report and not mention it on the thread.

Lots of people are not confident with forms who are quite competent in other aspects of their life. I am a retired teacher, but I am still taking some financial forms to my 88-year-old Dad to help me with as it has some terminology I don't understand and he used to be an accountant.

I don't understand the objection to what you said about the bin in front of the garage either. I presume you meant that if it had been moved, you would know he had been in the garage as he wouldn't think to put it back where he found it - is that right? Seems reasonable to me.

I remember Iwas very well for several reasons.

I don't see the connection at all.

So have I!

Just a reminder, troll-hunting is against our Talk Guidelines, and we'll remove any posts which do so. There is nothing at all to suggest the OP isn't genuine, so please let's get back to offering our support, which is what MN is all about. to you, OP. x

I didn't see the deleted posts from HH but I've followed this thread from the beginning and I think you've been brave and honest in the way you've dealt with everything.

Ignore any unkind posters - they don't know what they're talking about.

You've already been through enough. Don't let those remarks from HH make you lose confidence. Keep going, you are doing brilliantly.

Over, please continue to use the thread as a diary, as you said. You will find it a great support. It's a shame that HH was unpleasant but it looks like she's gone now and everyone else seems to think you are doing great.

Sis - calm it! You can be nice, just short tempered when someone irks you!

OK, I didn't see the other posts by HeeHighIs but I can assure them I am a real person and tbh I'd post everything (my name etc..) if that would prove anything but I don't think it would be a good idea. I actually wish I was trolling. Sadly I'm not. 6 months ago things were seemingly normal. Now they're not. Still can't believe it but it's real.

I did read the old posts (by searching the username) by that person mentioned but can't see a connection as to why they thought I was them. I registered here purely for advice and to see if anyone could help with my situation. Which you have all done very nicely and given my some stern talking-toos!

I've said from the start I have issues and confidence & self-esteem are just 2. Forms confuse me. Well actually it's doubts I've done them right plus confusion! The Wikivorce site is very confusing. I have no real idea where to start at all.

OK, decorating day is upon me. Yesterday DD and I had fun (if you call it that) moving all the furniture in DS's room - felt like we were just moving it around and making more mess. Well actually the upstairs IS a mess. A big one.

Ever started a job and wished you'd hadn't? Well I had a right mood on after realising I shouldn't have started it. I mowed the lawn and got ever more grumpy thinking how nice STBXH is probably having it playing either PC games or PS4 games at his friends house. I think I upset DD which was my regret of the day, as I had to clip the fur on the dogs paws and brush him, he's a furry monster and sometimes all the fur everywhere gets me down plus he wriggles as he doesn't like his backside being brushed. Things are never hair free any more. Not his fault but with my mood I did broach the subject of him going back the breeder. Nothing more has been said, but there are days I just don't think I can handle him. He's a softy but I'd never had a dog before him (STBXH had and assured me he knew what to do!) and it overwhelms me. Next week we need to get his tablets down his throat..... oh that will be fun! Peanut butter at the ready.... but he can smell those tablets a mile off, not sure what they smell of! The neck stuff is easy, he's fine with that.
Anyway, I digress.

Got up this morning, put my old gear on and started the filling holes & sanding process. That took most of the morning after wiping down and hoovering. Then I could finally start the painting! I promised DD she'd be back in there by tomorrow night, may have been over ambitious there! I've done one coat, off to do the 2nd one in a mo then I will do some gloss painting. Hopefully that will dry over night and we can move the furniture back tomorrow afternoon as DD is home early. Moving the bed was the easy bit, the wardrobe is a 3 door one and a bit more tricky. Hopefully moving it back won't be an issue. Guess we'll find out.

The walls look OK, it's a bit darker than I thought, looks nice though, but the edging is a big hit and miss. I've got to paint the skirting board so can tidy that up but if you ever visit - don't look up at the coving!! Edging is not my forte. (it's 'Soft Truffle' if any one is interested, by Dulux).

Pizza delivery for dinner. I will not be cooking today. Evening off from work so nothing to rush for. I can paint away until I'm done.
Only the 2nd coat (including more edging!) to do then onto the gloss woodwork - door, d surround, window sill, skirting board - and finally the radiator.

OK lunch done so I need to go back up stairs. Oh boy!

Impressed by your decorating skills! I'm the sort of person who can't be arsed to move all the furniture out of the room and usually try to just paint behind things by moving them away from the walls a little - cue giant mess!

Well, furniture all back in place - well, a few mm out of place but that's as good as it gets.

Decided to use the quick dry gloss (which I hate) on the radiator but that needs 2 coats so will be giving it another coat later. I would have used normal gloss but the curtains touch it so it needs to dry quick smart.
The door will have normal gloss though, it looks so much nicer - and only one coat needed. That's tomorrows job.

Naicehamshop - well I did think about doing that but it's heavy enough anyway so moving it out of the room wasn't an option, it was all in the middle of the room, but painting behind the bed was a huge pain in the arse so that room will never be painted again by me!

After the hectic day yesterday I did make a bad decision (well money wise), I really didn't want to cook so DD and I went out for dinner, nothing expensive but costly enough. Felt guilty ever since but it's done now. The money is there but I felt lazy which isn't good enough. I need to get back to cooking. My mojo has left the building in that sense.

I'm in a rut - and pissed at STBXH. Another day another rant. He obviously hasn't redirected his mail as I got a piece of junk mail addressed to him along with his postal voting forms and today I got 2 credit card statements. I did tell him to change those addresses but seems he hasn't - OR, they didn't update them in time. I will give him these ones and tell him that next time they'll go back in the post to return to sender. I will obviously ask my SOL on Tues (appointment made) if I can do that. I want to make sure I'm not causing more issues. I know I should just send them back but as they're part of the debts I really don't want to cause more problems but know I'm being soft.

I just feel like he's ignoring me and any request I make. Probably been laughing behind my back all along (specially with me not noticing the money slipping out of the account in the past few months we were together). It's not a nice feeling.

I'm in a rut. Can't seem to climb out of it.

DD said last night that they're going from another station tomorrow night, not the original one near college. I made a comment that I didn't know plans had changed. I'm not bothered about the station, I just realised I don't want this but can't change it. STBXH could know things about me I don't want him to but as normal I'm in the dark about him. I don't want to know what he's doing but it's always going to be there. Not sure I can get past that. I don't know, I can't articulate what I mean. It's won't be a clean break never to be seen/heard of again kind of thing. I just wish it was. He annoys me. I don't actually know him and realise I never did. Not deep down.

how do people cope with the emotions stuff? I feel like I should be better but can't seem to get there. everyday feels the same and not getting better. the odd glimmer of hope when I feel better but then I think of something or do something and it's back down again.

You will yoyo a lot with your emotions Over - it's normal to do that (if you read your thread you will see how you have been up and down). I am sure it takes a long time - years - to feel fully "normal" and while things are up in the air it feels like your life is on hold. Have you still not heard from his solicitor? Someone is dragging their feet - don't know if it's your STBX or his solicitor.

I know what you mean about him knowing your business but you not knowing his. My ex was told by his DM or his DSis, not sure which, about a medical problem I was having. I did keep in touch with them but I tried not to share too much after that. If they asked me questions - I just asked some back. Sometimes if they were evasive (I'm not sure/I don't know etc) I used the same language back to them - once I said "I'd rather not say"!

When they did find out something medical, I asked them not to share it with him because it was personal. I actually ended up asking my boys to do the same (they were about the same age as your two) but I accept that you don't want to because it might make your DD feel awkward. I still don't know if it was the right thing to do. Perhaps encourage your DD to ask him more questions herself?

It's an up/down experience for sure. Days I feel yeah I can do this, others are like hell no, it's the end.

Nope still nothing from his SOL (or him). I have an appointment with mine on Tuesday next week so will take all i can to her and see where we go from there. I will ask him on Friday if his SOL has anything for me and see what his reply is.

I have asked DD (and DS) not so to share to much, stating it's not his business any more just as his side is not my business. Trouble is things get mentioned unconsciously I think. More so from my end because obviously DD is with me and knows more. I have nothing to hide but it's his choice to end this so it's none of his business any more.
I don't want to put them in the middle and would hope (yeah right) that STBXH would do the same.

Gotta say , it still feels weird typing that (and saying it) - STBXH. Never thought it would come to this.