Husband has ended it.

[itsovernow1]

Hi
New user looking for advice.

Short story - We have been married 20 yrs, 2 kids 16 and 19. 16 yr old is at college and 19 yr old is away at Uni (1st yr). We have a 4 yr old dog.

Never been the best marriage, but I thought we were ticking away. Wrong! OH has apparently been thinking for some time he wants out and has made that decision. Btw it's probably a 50/50 'blame' for this. I'm not the easiest person to live with, as I have just been disagnosied with depression probably going back to PND with DS.

He emailed me (we do things that way, not healthy, I know) 4 weeks ago saying he wants out. I rang him to talk and he basically said he's had enough, he's detached and would rather live on his own. I said I think we can work through things and can talk it out. He said we need to talk and that was that. He picked our son up from the station on his way home as son was coming home for the weekend and nothing else was said. Even when we took the dog for a walk the next morning.

Then 2 weeks ago I received another email from OH saying the same as the first, wondering why I’d been acting normally (I thought he’d been thinking about things as I had mentioned on the phone but apparently not) but telling me he's been looking for places to stay near his work which is 45 miles away. It's just about doable re: money wise, as he spends a lot on petrol.

We have a mortgage of 82K (11 yrs to run), joint debts of 42k (credit cards only). The house is worth about 280,000 I think so plenty of equity there. But obviously taking into account the mortgage and debts that equity is cut in half.

The problem I foresee is my situation. I have had no job for pretty much all of our marriage. I worked until we had our first 19 yrs ago but it wasn't financially viable to carry on so I stopped. I had a 1 yr admin contract about 10 yrs ago at a kids nursery (it was closing down so lady who worked there wanted out for another job). But that's it. I don't have any career qualifications unfortunately.

I do want to work and know I have to but my confidence level is pretty much 0. I don't have any real skills to speak of and am terrified right now! Yes it's my fault I am in this situation but I am 'sh*ting' myself right now.

After 1 week of doing nothing but job searching I do have a part time (16 hrs) job starting on Tues in the evenings at local diy store. I could have done another (carers) job I had been offered but right now I don’t feel I could commit to something that needs so much emotional involvement and more hours for not much more money.

We made the work decision for myself together and OH hasn't pushed it (we both don't like confrontation). It worked for us. And as he left early and came back late workdays it meant I looked after everything here at home.

We have a dog which means working full time is out at the moment as we don't really have family close by or friends to let him out during the day. If I can move into a full time job with good wages I can obviously pay a dog walker (or come home to let him out)

OH says he wants to talk so we can make this transition as smooth as possible. So do I. I am not after fleecing him. I just want a roof over our heads and money to pay the bills. I know in time the house will have to be sold but right now it's worrying. I don't really want to end up renting. And even flats around our way are quite expensive.

OH has said that bringing things up about the separation is ‘tough’ as I’m not particularly receptive. Well go figure! I will talk about it but obviously I am angry/emotional whereas he’s way past that point.

What would people advise as the next steps to take? I don't even know where to start as my head is spinning. Right now I am concerned about my daughter (mainly, as son is the independent one) and the money. The kids are OK with it and they aren’t surprised! Strange response but makes me feel slightly better they’re handling it well.

At the moment things are amicable but OH wants to rent a room in a house (private) which is further away from work than first hoped and is more money. Once we know my wages we can obviously nail the finances but right now I’m still worried.
I’d love to keep the house and the mortgage payments are very reasonable as the rate is so low but I would never be able to get a mortgage to cover what we owe as my (soon to be wages) are so low plus the debts are taken into account. OH is on about 4 times my soon to be wage.

Thank you.

Some bully's on this thread.

The op has just had probably one of the biggest bombshells like can throw at a person so I'd that really s great time to start a new full time job?
The kids are older but will still require some support particularly as their father moves out/on.
And while we are talking about equality, why is it always the man who decides he's leaving?
This guy intends to get a swanky new pad and a life of zero responsibly while the wife is left with the cooling remnants of her life, debts, a big house to run, kids to see into adulthood and a fucking dog!
She then gets told to get a full time job for the first time in years

Op, if I was you I'd bloody leave and get a flat, let him stay and deal with it all!
Then you could really retrain and work full time.

Ledkr, great post

Thanks ivy
I speak as someone who was "left" and have done ok but I often asked myself why its nearly always the guy who gets to start again.

Great post Ledkr

It must be lovely for a bloke to walk away from all of the work and all of the worry, and just wander into the sunset hand in hand with his new love (because there is almost always a new love, even when they strenuously deny it)

Thanks for all the replies.
I'll be talking to BIL's brother on Monday about his experience and will see if he recommends his solicitor. It'll just be nice to talk to someone who's been through this and knows how I feel. (his wife was the one who ended it a few yrs ago but he was the one who left, 2 yrs after the decision, after making sure his kids had a home paid for outright, as that was his main concern, they were about the same ages as our kids are now).

I have thought about being the one to leave but that would just make it harder as DD would then be the one doing everything regarding household stuff and the dog. I know that from experience as I did have a 1 yr contracted job about 10 yrs ago and even though I worked full time I still had to do everything. So I won't put DD in that situation.

OH won't be living the life of luxury for a while as he'll only be renting a room (private, with a older couple renting out their spare room), it's not as close to his work as he'd have liked so will still need to use petrol money, although he says he can car share with someone to keep costs down.

But he wants to be on his own so it will work for him. He, at the moment, spends a lot of time on his computer (his hobby) so it'll suit him. Hopefully we'll both come out of this in a better place and we can live the lives we want. He's not an outgoing person and prefers to stay in but maybe that will change. I know I need to change and actually go out more with friends/reconnect.

I will ask to look through the debts again this weekend to see if there are any deals we can transfer to. Most of the cards are in his name so I can't call up to ask about things. I have suggested ringing the empty ones (we've cleared a couple) to see if they have any 0% deals or 'for life' deals but he's reluctant to do that. I'll try to convince him. Like I said, we have managed a couple for 0% deals but they weren't for big amounts.

I know it sounds like I'm putting it all on him to deal with, but as they're in his name I don't have control over them. I can only look around for deals and tell him. I'm the one who always go through the insurances etc... trying to get the best deals, he's just not interested in that stuff. He doesn't even want to check after I've done things, he 'trusts' me!

There are a few things we can cut out of the bills so will also go through that this weekend.

He wants to sell his motorbike to free up some cash, it'll lose a lot from what we paid (about 8 months ago!) but it could be something (only about 1500). He bought it as he said it would be better on petrol rather than using the car - and it has been - but in this weather he won't use it so it's just sitting in the garage. I did only agree as the commute was getting him down. I did say it wouldn't pay for itself for a long while and we could have bought a new (used, old) family car to replace the old one but I gave in. Wish I hadn't now. Live and learn!

The job on Tues has an hourly rate, plus I could get a couple of hours per shift with unsociable hrs payments (on top of normal rate) so that could work nicely. I don't have to pay for parking and it's very local so the petrol hopefully won't be much. I would walk/cycle but it finishes about midnight which is a little late to do that. I will cycle if I need to though!

I picked this job over the carer one as, after factoring in a dog walker (could be anywhere between £20-£50 per week for that, in our area) and petrol as it was further away, it worked out the same even though the other one had more hours. The PT one has a slightly better hourly rate (plus unsociable hours pay). I'd like to say I didn't just go for what might seem the easy option.

I think we'll work out the finances on the basic hrly rate I'll get and anything over that will be a bonus to add onto debts/savings.

I am angry with OH to be honest. He doesn't seem to have thought this through past moving out, quickly. He moves out, still pays the bills and that's that. We can then work through things one at a time. He's organising it into little boxes in his head, so to speak. Sadly I'm not like that! I need to know everything!

I will think about the AD's from the doc. I may start them after I've done a week or two of the new job, I need a clear head for that. I'm hoping that having a job and starting a new life will help and get me back to being me, along with any other help.
Sorry for the long post!

Is your garden secure? Install a dog flap so the dog can go in and out throgh the day? Or put a kennel in garden for it?

And while we are talking about equality, why is it always the man who decides he's leaving?

It isn't actually. DH exW wife had an affair and left as did DBro exW.

Nothing like a sweeping generalisation though....

I really don't think there is OW. Obviously I can never be 100% certain and I have to say if there was, I'd be tempted to nail his b*lls to the wall after he's denied it before!

Although I've always had a trust issue and jealous streak, OH assures me there's never been anyone else. He's very guarded with his email (different to home one)/phone (always in his pocket even at home) which has always made me suspicious. But I think that's because I over react to things.

We've never been good at communicating (hence the breaking things off over an email!) and therein lies the problem. He's never given me the whole story, I've found out more, then he's added more which in turn makes me suspicious. It's a circle. I have no doubt it's always been innocent.
He has issues from his teenage years he's never dealt with (didn't tell his parents about the bullying, won't tell me what happened as it's too emotional) which has shaped the person he is, so hopefully he'll deal with that and come out with a better perspective.
We're just 2 people with issues - that need help separately!

I have thought about the kennel idea. A big one where he's secure.

Well done, you are getting there . I can understand the need to want to sort everything out now , I would be the same. He obviously thinks he can just walk out on everything and send you money and that's enough.

What are his plans for seeing the kids ? Please don't let him come to your house to do that , he needs to take them out somewhere if he doesn't want to cook them a meal and look after them at his digs. Though I'm sure he will have chosen a place where he can bring his kids, because that will be his top priority, wont it ?

I feel very on your behalf, you are doing so well to focus on the practicalities .

I'd also be suspicious about someone who hides their phone all the time. And I'm not sure if I believe that it's about you "over reacting " .

Most innocent people's texts are very boring to anyone but themselves and contain nothing that would nake their partner react. I've just looked at mine and they are all:

Messages arranging play dates and activities for the kids over the holidays ( mine are younger than yours )

Christmas chat with friends and family ( all female , except two male relatives, one in his 70s and our nephew who is a teenager ! )

Messages to do with my hobbies and some voluntary work I do - all fairly businesslike .

Are you the kind of person who would find any of these suspicious ? What do you mean by over reacting ?

Anyway you will soon find out if there is OW because he will "meet her " in the next few weeks. Or tell you that the kids can't come to his digs for some spurious reason ( which means he's moved in with her ).

I find the moving in as a lodger with an older couple to a place that isn't really convenient but he may be able to carshare quite suspicious OP. I'm doubting him, not you. Great that you are starting to work things through in terms of how they might work. I also think that him buying an expensive motorbike in order to cut costs shines a light on why you (plural) might have had financial difficulties. It all smacks somewhat of mid life crisis and him not thinking about anyone except himself. You sound smart and resourceful. I wish you all the very best for the future - it may surprise you how much happier you can be.

Re: dog walking, have you checked out BorrowMyDoggy? It's well worth a look. I've used it very successfully for my dog

I think you are doing brilliantly after you have been handed this bombshell to deal with. Your tone (although written is not necessarily the same as real life) is quite calm and almost flat, which reminds me of when I was depressed and would be in a dissociative state, able to complete tasks but not quite engage with reality. I wonder if that rings true for you especially in the circumstances of him mentioning his plan to leave and then not following up the conversation which must have made it all seem unreal.

The job sounds like just what you need and somewhere you can have a bit of low-key outside contact while you build your confidence.

I agree that the phone hiding and behaviour of your DH is not entirely natural and I have been on MN long enough to know there is almost always an OW, but of course it's possible he is having a more general mid-life crisis or self-absorption - maybe he wants to be free to pursue imagined other options.

Either way, the lesson is always to assume that amicability may not last forever and you are best off getting something official in place. I hope you find the SHL and can do this.

There is a very supportive thread on the Divorce board, OP, for people who are going through this. It might be useful.

Kr1stina - I don't see his phone. It's got a passcode and I don't know it.
But the kinds of texts you mention, no, nothing wrong there or anything if there's an explanation to be honest. I'm the type of person who likes the truth, the whole truth and honesty.

He was using his phone the other day when upstairs on his PC and I walked in to ask him something, to which he quickly hid it under the desk! He was texting a friend from work, a woman, but she's a lesbian (and FB backs this up!, he's talked about her for a while so nothing suspicious there) and when I asked him what he was doing he was honest. I said as long as he's honest I don't care who he talks to, but glad he is, as long as he doesn't divulge too much as I don't even know her.
*I didn't see the text so am only going on what he told me.

My issues comes from me and my depression and we've never been good talkers. I do over react to things and that's all down to me. He's never been overly forthcoming with information so I guess it just all adds up.

I did see emails from him to a friend (old school friend, a woman, but they seemed innocent enough) yrs ago on his other old email account, what annoyed me more was what they said, personal stuff like too young to get married and have kids type stuff, and the fact his mum knew he was in contact with her! He said he knew I'd over react.....

Re: the kids. He'll come back here at the weekend to see DD. DS will be back at Uni by the time he leaves. Not sure where he'd take DD tbh, as he'll only have a room and I'm sure they won't want her just turning up.

kittybiscuits - well I did agree to the bike, as I thought it would make him happier, not necessarily cut down costs. My own stupidity there. The car he has isn't the best on petrol either, I didn't do the homework for that one and I regret it now.

Re: the room. He was hoping to find something very close to work (walking distance or nearby) but most of the places are 'house shares' like student digs (but not). His work colleague mentioned it may not be a good idea. That's why he looked further away. I don't know much about the room really, as when we had the convo I was slightly peed off that he wanted to use the savings, which we'd put away for the (my) car possibly failing it's MOT with a reason we know about, as a deposit. He said he wanted to use the savings previously to get the debt down but if the car fails we'd need to put it on the CC's anyway! So he didn't see a problem.

OH has his own issues going on in his head and I think he just sees no way to fix this marriage and has, in his own words, disengaged. He's just over it. His words are he wants to be on his own. He's thought about leaving in the past but then something good happens and he put it to the back of his mind. He also made a promise to our DS when a baby (while I had PND) that he would always look after him, and now is at Uni he feels a weight has been lifted.

MsJuniper - I have to admit I do feel like that. I will admit I haven't enjoyed life the past few yrs. It's just something that's here. My kids are great but they're older now and don't actually need me much. The debts get you down after a while and knowing you have issues but think they'll pass or sort themselves out means I didn't go to the GP earlier.

I do think I'll (we'll, separately) have to each go to a solicitor and pay, rather than free 1/2 hr which was useless to me! I googled most of what he told me.
We don't have a lot of spare cash so that'll be hard but a necessity I know.

bloodypassword - I don't know of that site but will check it out. I will need full time work and need to know the dog is being cared for if I can't walk it. I know people see that as an excuse and I'm not meaning it to be, but he's a part of the family and he'll be my responsibility. It will all work out. The breeder, as a VERY last resort (although my DD would be heartbroken) would take the dog back and find another home (or keep it). But I really would rather not do that. We bought the dog and he's ours.

I have asked him (frequently!) in the past & present to just put his phone down somewhere & not keep it in his pocket all the time, I mean at home it's never far way, so I can just see he's not attached to it (who needs a phone in the toilet?!) but he's never taken me seriously. That hasn't helped. He doesn't see a problem with it so I shouldn't either kind of thing.

He's been away for work for the odd night lately. The week before Christmas he was away for a night, and last night he was too (same place).
I have to admit it was nice, no tension and very relaxed. DD and I even played a board game. Hopefully it did him good too, being away from home.

I do find it weird he doesn't text for the time he's away though. Just to let us know how he's getting on. I come from a family who let each other knows things, he doesn't. He didn't even ring his parents to wish them a happy Christmas as he was seeing them the next day and he said his mum wouldn't be bothered. We just have different views on things.

I have got angry when he hasn't told the kids he's not going to be home for the night though. It's not a regular thing but it happens. They find out when he just doesn't come home then ask where he is! I know they're not kid kids but shouldn't communication be important?! Or am I over reacting?

It's obvious how very large his needs and wishes have loomed in your relationship and how acquiescent you have been. You do not have to apologise to anyone for things you have agreed to. In the future, I think you will do much better if you listen to yourself and are guided by your own common sense.

He thinks whatever he does is okay. This has been a licence for him to do whatever he wants. I notice that I feel really really angry towards him. I'm guessing that you may at some point get in touch with your anger about how badly he has behaved and how passive you have been. You will be great on your own. You are already used to it in all but name.

You're under-reacting!

Borrowmydoggy is great. I'm a massive dog-lover, do imnot st all objective but I'd urge you not to return the dog to the breeder! Perhaps a mix of a paid dog-walker and BorrowMyDoggy would work. Don't make any hasty decisions - you and the kids are going to have enough changes going on without losing the dog whom, as you've already said, is part of the family.

Sounds as if you're doing a lot of serious thinking and are already emerging a bit from the 'fog'. Good. Have you got friends you can spend time with for a bit of fun/time to vent IRL X

Sadly I'm not very good with keeping up with friends. I have an old school friend who is very patient with me even though I don't keep in touch with her too often! She's often said she wishes we lived closer so we could go out and she'd help with my confidence!

I will have to start contacting people I've lost contact with. Luckily they're the sort of people, old work colleagues a lot older, who can go a while without talking but still want to catch up. I need to do that. And want to but finding the motivation is difficult sometimes. But I will.

My problem is I am a people pleaser. I don't like saying no. I want them to have what they want (not expensive stuff etc.). Although don't get me wrong I also get what I want with some things! For instance house stuff, he doesn't really care (although will say if he really doesn't like something!) but overall he just lets me make the decisions, to him a cushion is a cushion!

Food - he'll tell me what he really doesn't like but overall I make what they like. (and I like, to a degree!). He's easy going on a lot of decisions, which actually can be worse! You want an opinion but don't always get one!

Don't think I'm not difficult to live with. I could nag for England! I try not to, but it happens. My PMS has been really bad in recent yrs (actually since having kids on/off) but cutting out tea/coffee has helped quite a bit. I used to be a real b*tch every month for at least 2 weeks. I could feel it happening but couldn't do anything to stop it. It's calmer now. He has put up with a lot.

I've never lived on my own as the sole adult before. I moved out of my parents (well they moved and I had to go somewhere!) to live with my sister in our own mortgaged place (when I was 18) and then from there I went to live with OH when we got married.
So it'll feel weird, very weird to be the only adult around. At my age I should be mature but I'm one of these that can need a 2nd opinion in some situations. Validation I guess. It's like a menu in a restaurant, I can change my mind several times before the order is taken! But when I know what I want (and don't want) it's an easy decision.

Get legal advice. Some men seem to think their wives are stupid and in these situations they just assume that whatever they tell them they will accept because they have been this faithful doting wife all these years. I had the same. A man who thought I was weak. You won't get maintenance for the older one but you will for the younger one. Good timing on his part there too! You would be more than expected to ask for either pension sharing, which I got or spousal maintenance. I don't let him run this whole thing, empower yourself. I had depression and my ex did the same, lucky I had a lawyer who just basically laughed at his requests and arrogance and we came out a lot better off than my husband was telling me I would be. It will get nasty, sadly that's inevitable but please please please don't let him treat you like a push over. I know times are scary, but you will be fine, promise and at the other end you will feel so much stronger. But you have to stop listening to what he wants, how he wants it to go and empower yourself and get what you need. Get a lawyer, it's the best option for you otherwise he will just treat you like a weak doormat. Stay strong. Worry about you first, the the kids, they are older, they will be fine. Dog, well I had to give mine of 4 years up too but it's an animal, you are much more important. YOU are the one who needs to be ok, extra stress of walking the dog or feeding, caring for a pet just isn't something that in the grand scheme of things are important. You are already saying you can't work because of a dog. What's more important, your independence or a dog? Not meaning to sound hard, I had to do the same with an 18 month old baby, I had to give my 4 year old Labrador away. Heartbreaking, yes but it's Stress you don't need. It's another example that XH just assumes you will look after everything and takes no responsibility. You have to get out of the emotional mindset and into a very practical one. Very tough, but it will serve you better that well x

Nothing like a sweeping generalisation though

Yes and nothing like calling a sweeping generalisation based on two examples