Husband has ended it.

[itsovernow1]

Hi
New user looking for advice.

Short story - We have been married 20 yrs, 2 kids 16 and 19. 16 yr old is at college and 19 yr old is away at Uni (1st yr). We have a 4 yr old dog.

Never been the best marriage, but I thought we were ticking away. Wrong! OH has apparently been thinking for some time he wants out and has made that decision. Btw it's probably a 50/50 'blame' for this. I'm not the easiest person to live with, as I have just been disagnosied with depression probably going back to PND with DS.

He emailed me (we do things that way, not healthy, I know) 4 weeks ago saying he wants out. I rang him to talk and he basically said he's had enough, he's detached and would rather live on his own. I said I think we can work through things and can talk it out. He said we need to talk and that was that. He picked our son up from the station on his way home as son was coming home for the weekend and nothing else was said. Even when we took the dog for a walk the next morning.

Then 2 weeks ago I received another email from OH saying the same as the first, wondering why I’d been acting normally (I thought he’d been thinking about things as I had mentioned on the phone but apparently not) but telling me he's been looking for places to stay near his work which is 45 miles away. It's just about doable re: money wise, as he spends a lot on petrol.

We have a mortgage of 82K (11 yrs to run), joint debts of 42k (credit cards only). The house is worth about 280,000 I think so plenty of equity there. But obviously taking into account the mortgage and debts that equity is cut in half.

The problem I foresee is my situation. I have had no job for pretty much all of our marriage. I worked until we had our first 19 yrs ago but it wasn't financially viable to carry on so I stopped. I had a 1 yr admin contract about 10 yrs ago at a kids nursery (it was closing down so lady who worked there wanted out for another job). But that's it. I don't have any career qualifications unfortunately.

I do want to work and know I have to but my confidence level is pretty much 0. I don't have any real skills to speak of and am terrified right now! Yes it's my fault I am in this situation but I am 'sh*ting' myself right now.

After 1 week of doing nothing but job searching I do have a part time (16 hrs) job starting on Tues in the evenings at local diy store. I could have done another (carers) job I had been offered but right now I don’t feel I could commit to something that needs so much emotional involvement and more hours for not much more money.

We made the work decision for myself together and OH hasn't pushed it (we both don't like confrontation). It worked for us. And as he left early and came back late workdays it meant I looked after everything here at home.

We have a dog which means working full time is out at the moment as we don't really have family close by or friends to let him out during the day. If I can move into a full time job with good wages I can obviously pay a dog walker (or come home to let him out)

OH says he wants to talk so we can make this transition as smooth as possible. So do I. I am not after fleecing him. I just want a roof over our heads and money to pay the bills. I know in time the house will have to be sold but right now it's worrying. I don't really want to end up renting. And even flats around our way are quite expensive.

OH has said that bringing things up about the separation is ‘tough’ as I’m not particularly receptive. Well go figure! I will talk about it but obviously I am angry/emotional whereas he’s way past that point.

What would people advise as the next steps to take? I don't even know where to start as my head is spinning. Right now I am concerned about my daughter (mainly, as son is the independent one) and the money. The kids are OK with it and they aren’t surprised! Strange response but makes me feel slightly better they’re handling it well.

At the moment things are amicable but OH wants to rent a room in a house (private) which is further away from work than first hoped and is more money. Once we know my wages we can obviously nail the finances but right now I’m still worried.
I’d love to keep the house and the mortgage payments are very reasonable as the rate is so low but I would never be able to get a mortgage to cover what we owe as my (soon to be wages) are so low plus the debts are taken into account. OH is on about 4 times my soon to be wage.

Thank you.

Ledkr - oh no, not about that. I meant he's arrived back from his work thing. I did sense while making dinner that I was tensing up already and he wasn't even here then!

£500 for one room where?!

Op it's worth looking at nhs careers. Not just nursing, physio, speech therapy etc all funded and pretty much a job at the end.
I trained as.a mental health nurse with 3 small dc and you don't need much of a string stomach apart from the vomit and self harm
43? I'm jealous, the world is your oyster, I was 37 when knob head left us and am now happily married with a lovejy life.
It's exciting really.

ImpetuousBride - Oh no problem, I don't think it comes across well on a forum, plus I was defensive from a previous reply about the dog situation! It's a workable situation I know, but at the start I did see nothing but obstacles including the dog and was panicking! I'm a bit clearer these last few days!

Another poster mentioned a website, BorrowMyDoggy, which looks great (and cheaper than a dog walker!) and is certainly a route I'll look down in the next couple of months.
The job I've now got I'm bargaining on just the set hrly wage, but can add to that with unsociable hours payments and extra hours are available if they need me to work, which is good. Being in the evening also gives me time to sort out the house and dog during the day, plus I can take time to look around for the right person to look after the dog when I do eventually get some full time work.

At the moment it seems my wages will be eaten up by OH renting his room out. Makes me kind of mad to be honest! It was supposed to be extra but because he can't wait we have to try to work out the finances 'on the go' so to speak. I know it'll be for the best but it just irks me.

I have looked at the working tax credits and child tax credits, can't apply for those until OH leaves I suppose. The bills should reflect the fact DS has gone back to Uni and OH isn't here any more which should help. Plus I can budget better if I'm in control of the payments.

I have to look at getting a new phone as I'm on PAYG and I'm using more credit right now with everything going on than if I was on a monthly plan so in the long run it will be cheaper. (my phones great but it's one with buttons so I've had it a while!)

Graphista - It's £400 for the room (including all bills) plus £100 he's budgeted for food (25 per week). Given he can't cook very well it'll be interesting what he does!

Ledkr - working in a hospital environment has always been on my mind, I applied for a couple of health assistant jobs locally but didn't make the cut. I can look around for more things and check what I have to do.

Glad things worked out for you, I'm hoping I look back on this and think he did me a favour. I won't be getting married again though! Once was enough and I think my view is tainted right now! Not sure I even want another relationship, this one was hard work!

Er why is YOUR money going toward his rent?

I'm another one who suspects OW in this case. Leaving his home and children to go rent a room at the house of an older couple? No way. It's not like you had a huge row and he had to leave quickly and unexpectedly; he could have stayed in the home and taken time to sort out somewhere appropriate to live. I would imagine living in a shared house situation with an older couple is not going to give him the space and alone time he is saying he wants. He also appears to mostly be accommodating and easy going about everything, which suggests he might be feeling guilty about something. Don't let him lull you into a false sense of security - make sure you don't make any concessions and keep it business like. Whether you didn't work during the marriage is irrelevant as it was a decision made by the two of you, presumably to make life easier for you both. It's bloody hard work both parents working full time and running a home and looking after children, so I'm sure your DH benefitted greatly from coming home to a tidy home, with tea on the table and no pressures with child care. Good luck OP.

Graphista - It won't go direct to him, but the original price he thought moving into a room would cost has spiralled and now what I earn is effectively his rent/food for the month! We have bills/debts which we're just about covering now, so in effect my wages are his rent! I thought my wages would be extra to go on the debts to help clear them and make life a bit easier, clearly I was wrong! He does say he can do more hours being closer to work so we shall see....

Livelovebehappy - to be honest a room in a house will suit him. He is a gamer so pretty much stays on his computer every spare second he gets. Of course that might be because he's around me! But he doesn't watch TV or have other hobbies.
I don't think he's feeling guilty as such, he's not a bad guy, he is easy going, maybe too much for my type of personality. He just says he's detached now. All the problems we've had over the years have caught up and they're not fixable.

I did tell him tonight that moving out so quick isn't the way to go about it but it's what he wants so it has to happen, which I know sounds like giving in but I'll be less tense when he leaves so it'll work for me. I made my feelings clear on that! I think he was surprised!

I've been very direct with OH tonight. Not sure he was expecting it!

I meant actually applying to train at uni. Look ini it when you feel ready.
Of course you arent ready right now, it was the last thing on my mind with 4 kids and a ruined body but it happened anyway and now had the marriage I've always wanted.
You are amazing by the way, I wonder if you knew deep down that this was going to happen and better now than later.

Even you describing him as a "gamer" makes me wonder what kind of marriage you have been in all this time

Ledkr - I will look into training in the future yes. Hopefully I'll have an idea of what I want by then!
Well, someone has to have the marriage they wanted and you got lucky 2nd time around! That's not something I can ever see happening (not just right now but in the future). I'm not a sociable person so meeting someone would be tricky. I'm shy too which has never helped!

His gaming has got worse over time, probably as his interest in me/the marriage dwindled. I don't know. It's a lonely life, when someone has their headphones on always looking at a computer screen. But he's never seen it as a problem, it's his thing. It's also caused arguments between us but there you go.

I am in no stretch amazing, I can be a moody b*tch sometimes (not intentionally! I just get stressed/pms'd out). I am calmer these past few days I admit. It's happening and I can't change it so need to adapt and move on. He is so I must. I think I've finally come to terms with that.

Don't worry about your lack of experience - I found going into care very easy after a 20 year work break!! (through choice I may add). I wrote to several care homes asking for some shifts and experience as I was looking at training to be a nurse in future. Shifts tend to be fairly short (around 6 hours) and it worked well for me. I then went on to domiciliary care, again very flexible and got my NVQ2 very quickly. There are lots of day centres/hospices that also employ CA's, also lots of charities recruit helpers/companions on behalf of clients - a friend of mine does 20 hours a week with a disabled man helping him do housework/shopping/pay bills etc that she needed no qualifications for and there's no personal care involved. Barnardos recruit for helpers for families of children with disabilities and similar. Sometimes it's more about you as a person than what you're qualified to do, unlike actual nursing. Our local out of hours provider is recruiting HCAs at the moment for district nursing teams and accompanying paramedics in rapid response cars, again all on the job training. You'd be surprised how easy it can be to find an open door, and once you've had one job you can then use that for a reference. Even look at volunteering at a day centre or something for a few hours that again you can use as a reference. It was much easier than I'd imagined so take heart and don't beat yourself up about not working. And The Lady magazine is good for ads for helpers/companions etc if you wanted more 1 to 1 work with someone. And going back to work will do loads for your confidence, trust me.

Well done for standing up for yourself op. Remember - you don't have to go along with what he wants if it doesn't suit you!!

What I can deduce is that it wasn't a great marriage for some time and sometimes people just want more out of life.

It seems that left to you OP, you'd stay in the marriage another 20 years being static or just getting by and when you said the kids weren't suprised .... well it's obvious they haven't seen a great example of a loving marriage. That's not laying blame at your feet, it's just what they've seen.

The love and passion disappeared somewhere along the way and it didn't get back on track.

Life's too short to live in misery, so it's better you each move on, without being contentious and have a decent relationship for the sake of your kids, who have probably wondered why it's taken so long.

They may never have heard or seen arguments , but what kind of marriage have they seen. Staying together isn't always beneficial for the kids

For the poster who mentioned care work ... yes there's always vacancies. I work in HR for a local authority and if you want to work in social care there are opportunities.

You'd never be unemployed as a social worker either. Some courses attract a bursary too.

Well if being a feminist means losing all sense of compassion and putting the boot into a woman when she's down, then you can leave me out. Plus I thought women were allowed to make choices? Working outside the home is no guarantee of greater happiness than choosing not to, and I know a great many women who would choose to remain at home if they could. When the shit hits the fan, it hits the fan. Its how you respond to the shit that counts. And the OP is being as proactive as she can be whilst having DEPRESSION (greatly trivalised by some of the respondants on this thread). As if life came with sone sort of guarantees.

No real advice OP, just to say your life and contribution is as worthwhile as anyone elses. I'm amazed you have managed to get a job so quickly DESPITE having few GCSEs and such a long gap out of work (not a small feat by any means) You obviouslyy have a lot going for you, and 43 is not too old by any means to get involved in doing something new. Actually (I hope this doesn't appear crass) but this situation is forcing you to address important issues with your health, esteem, and finances and I feel that it will do you good in the long-term.

I am wishing you the very best of luck. Please get a good counsellor.

Ps. I know a lady who returned to uni to train as a midwife at 45. Anything is possible. Ignore the thoughtless, hurtful, tactless comments.

I'm glad you stood up for yourself itsovernow. Hopefully the first of many times. Sometimes we are conditioned by our upbringing to set the bar very low in terms of how we expect to be treated. If this is true for you, I hope you will learn to value yourself more, as you deserve this.

Agree with everything you say Antique, just have to add though that I would never recommend that anyone remains a SAHM for long; it just puts you in such a vulnerable position financially.

I realise that this is no help to the op now, but maybe for other, younger women.

SandyY2K - you're probably right. We've never been a lovey dovey couple by any means and maybe the love was never there. I don't know. We've obviously had our fair share of arguments over the yrs but nothing that didn't pass, although major fixes were just plastered over not actually FIXED. That's part of our problem I feel.
I am looking to the future, after having some time to think about all of this I do feel he's done me a favour. I'm one for a quiet life and probably would never have left him.
I could have done more with jobs and my depression but when you're depressed you don't make the best decisions and going out to work terrified the hell out of me. Staying home was safe. OH never pushed it, maybe he should have, taken a more proactive stance. He knows I have issues and even using the phone is an issue sometimes. During my PMS crazy days I even told him I wanted to end it. He just said well get help/talk to someone then. That was it. I felt lost. I don't feel that way so much now (although it creeps in and I don't say it out loud any more).

I do feel on my own I will be a better person. Not relying on someone else will do wonders and make me do things.

Definitely have issues to deal with here!

I'm angry that my wage is now effectively paying for his rent/food. If he'd stay here longer that could go on the debts. Doesn't make financial sense to leave yet. Oh well.

Naicehamshop - Yes I agree. And it's with regret I angry with myself for this. It's of my doing. I am trying to encourage my daughter to follow a career she wants, earn money and not rely on any one else financially. That's why I want her to feel she has a home for as long as she wants.

AntiqueSinger - You're right, this situation is now making me do what I should have been doing all along. Although I do wonder with the right support if I could have done this sooner. Not trying to put all the blame on OH, far from it they're my issues, but support goes a long way and could have helped. Looking back he paid lip service but didn't actually DO anything to help. I guess now he doesn't have to.
*I do realise it wasn't his responsibility to help me, but isn't that what couples do, help each other?

Retraining doesn't scare me as such (well it does but that's probably normal!) it's what to train as! A midwife is out as I really don't have the entry requirements for that and I know from my sisters training (she trained late) it's a lot of work and commitment that I probably don't have.

I have noticed that now everything OH does annoys me! Is that normal??

I know that moving on with be good in the long run, just wish OH had thought this through and wasn't rushing it.

Don't forget itsovernow1 you don't have to agree to anything you're not happy about. I'm thinking specifically about you getting a job and then finding out that it's paying for his accommodation and food. I'd be pissed off too. I totally get the bit about making life a bit easier for you without OH being there (been there myself) but just worth bearing in mind.

And don't beat yourself up about the financial stuff and letting things drift on for so long. We all make decisions that suit us at the time. Main thing is now, you're moving on.

Ha, just seen your comment about everything hat OH does is annoying you! Yes, in my experience that's normal and means its the right thing to do. This is VERY positive.

its great that OP is coming back and talking things through here. So often people don't do that,

I know its tough but I would consider letting the dog go ( to a caring place/home obviously)