Husband has ended it.

[itsovernow1]

Hi
New user looking for advice.

Short story - We have been married 20 yrs, 2 kids 16 and 19. 16 yr old is at college and 19 yr old is away at Uni (1st yr). We have a 4 yr old dog.

Never been the best marriage, but I thought we were ticking away. Wrong! OH has apparently been thinking for some time he wants out and has made that decision. Btw it's probably a 50/50 'blame' for this. I'm not the easiest person to live with, as I have just been disagnosied with depression probably going back to PND with DS.

He emailed me (we do things that way, not healthy, I know) 4 weeks ago saying he wants out. I rang him to talk and he basically said he's had enough, he's detached and would rather live on his own. I said I think we can work through things and can talk it out. He said we need to talk and that was that. He picked our son up from the station on his way home as son was coming home for the weekend and nothing else was said. Even when we took the dog for a walk the next morning.

Then 2 weeks ago I received another email from OH saying the same as the first, wondering why I’d been acting normally (I thought he’d been thinking about things as I had mentioned on the phone but apparently not) but telling me he's been looking for places to stay near his work which is 45 miles away. It's just about doable re: money wise, as he spends a lot on petrol.

We have a mortgage of 82K (11 yrs to run), joint debts of 42k (credit cards only). The house is worth about 280,000 I think so plenty of equity there. But obviously taking into account the mortgage and debts that equity is cut in half.

The problem I foresee is my situation. I have had no job for pretty much all of our marriage. I worked until we had our first 19 yrs ago but it wasn't financially viable to carry on so I stopped. I had a 1 yr admin contract about 10 yrs ago at a kids nursery (it was closing down so lady who worked there wanted out for another job). But that's it. I don't have any career qualifications unfortunately.

I do want to work and know I have to but my confidence level is pretty much 0. I don't have any real skills to speak of and am terrified right now! Yes it's my fault I am in this situation but I am 'sh*ting' myself right now.

After 1 week of doing nothing but job searching I do have a part time (16 hrs) job starting on Tues in the evenings at local diy store. I could have done another (carers) job I had been offered but right now I don’t feel I could commit to something that needs so much emotional involvement and more hours for not much more money.

We made the work decision for myself together and OH hasn't pushed it (we both don't like confrontation). It worked for us. And as he left early and came back late workdays it meant I looked after everything here at home.

We have a dog which means working full time is out at the moment as we don't really have family close by or friends to let him out during the day. If I can move into a full time job with good wages I can obviously pay a dog walker (or come home to let him out)

OH says he wants to talk so we can make this transition as smooth as possible. So do I. I am not after fleecing him. I just want a roof over our heads and money to pay the bills. I know in time the house will have to be sold but right now it's worrying. I don't really want to end up renting. And even flats around our way are quite expensive.

OH has said that bringing things up about the separation is ‘tough’ as I’m not particularly receptive. Well go figure! I will talk about it but obviously I am angry/emotional whereas he’s way past that point.

What would people advise as the next steps to take? I don't even know where to start as my head is spinning. Right now I am concerned about my daughter (mainly, as son is the independent one) and the money. The kids are OK with it and they aren’t surprised! Strange response but makes me feel slightly better they’re handling it well.

At the moment things are amicable but OH wants to rent a room in a house (private) which is further away from work than first hoped and is more money. Once we know my wages we can obviously nail the finances but right now I’m still worried.
I’d love to keep the house and the mortgage payments are very reasonable as the rate is so low but I would never be able to get a mortgage to cover what we owe as my (soon to be wages) are so low plus the debts are taken into account. OH is on about 4 times my soon to be wage.

Thank you.

Go happypoobum

Good start on getting a PT job so quickly. I agree you need a SHL and start snooping for clues that he has been stashing money elsewhere. £42k of credit card debt screams to me that someone has been living beyond their means, leading a double life or using credit cards to hoard cash.

Right now just focus on getting divorced and thinking about what you want to do. After you are divorced you will need to execute a plan to get a job that pays more which means a qualification is in order.

The SAH parent regardless of gender is regarde as having contributed to the family income. Mskeats seems to think the change in the law came about as a female conspiracy to fleece exhusbands.
Previously exwives of husbands with substantial assets and earnings were left to support their children on a fraction of the income the exhusbands had and this was the reason the law was changed.
Some women can survive quite well if they have qualifications or family money but the majority coming out of a long term marriage as a sahm have a very bleak financial future which usually includes the children of the marriage

Well you get your national insurance contributions credited until your youngest child is 12, if you get child benefit . So for the OP she will have about 15 years worth of credit. Plus what she paid in NI when she was working.

So of course she will get a pension of some level. Please stop trying to scare her and makes things worse.

And telling someone that they shouldn't have done something 19hears ago isn't really very helpful.

I'm not sure if you are helping the Op much TBH. If you want to discuss being a SAHP in general, why don't you start you own thread ?

Sorry that was to Mrskeates

Given your marriage hasn't been happy for a long time, I think you should try really hard to look at this as an opportunity for a new start. Be positive.💐

I'll eat my woolly scarf if there's not another woman involved - so prepare yourself for him 'meeting someone' very soon. He'll have already been 'seeing' her for ages, but won't admit it.

You definitely need a SHL and you need to stop thinking of it as 'fleecing' him. You need to get every penny you can because you made the career sacrifices, not him.

You are the one that will be housing the children for the next few years. Not to mention all of the other expenses that come with them.

You've done well to pull yourself together to get a part time job so quickly, but personally I'd have waited until the finances were sorted out.

...be careful not to let him railroad you into decisions/situations that don't suit you. What he wants - more expensive place, in a nicer area, really has to take second place to what your children need. He might just have to rent the cheapest place he can so his children have a roof over their heads.

OP don't feel you need to be too generous just because you were also unhappy in the marriage. Your stbx his being conciliatory atm to encourage you to come to an agreement in his favour. Not sure re UK law. In NZ both parties have to sign the court papers to say they have received I dependant legal advice re settlements before a separation order is granted preceding dissolution of marriage.

I'm not sure attacking each other is helpful to the op if I'm honest.

Anyways, op, I'm sorry this is happening, you do need to see a lawyer asap, to understand your rights, and he needs to do the same. Once this is done then you can make your plans on how to move forward.

On a side note, 42 k worth of credit card debt is huge. I would also look at taking some debt advice, as there may be a better way to manage that, even if it's a loan and agreements with the companies. Maybe the citizens advice bureau can help.

The house can stay, a sale can't be forced, but the debt would indicate that you have both been living well beyond your means and now two homes will need to be paid for. More credit card debt isn't the answer, and money can't be fathomed out of thin air, so you will both need to be realistic on what you can have.

1. Go and see a lawyer. Ideally someone good who has been personally recommended. Do you have any friends nearby who have got divorced? If so, ask whether they'd recommend their solicitor. You need a solicitor - don't let your ex bamboozle you into getting a quickie internet divorce. It will be cheaper - much cheaper - FOR HIM!

2. You CAN work FT. There are dog walkers all over the country. Please don't let your dog prevent you from working and earning as much as you need to. Your DC are old enough to not need you there before/after school and you may well need to work FT once all the finances are worked out.

3. Who racked up £42k worth of debt on credit cards, FGS? That's bonkers, but if you aren't good at managing money you might want to book a session with a financial advisor. But see a solicitor first. Like first thing after Christmas.

4. Your DH won't be allowed to leave you with nothing, even if your contributions to the marriage haven't been financial ones. Spousal support is likely, given your situation, but it probably won't be indefinite - hence my advice on working FT above.

Thanks for replies. I'll try to answer them.

I agree I should have had a job by now. I have confidence issues, declining self esteem and always seems to make excuses. I have seen the Doc and she has diagnosed depression. Wanted to put me on pills but I would rather have counselling to get to the route of the problem. So will enquire about that.

The debts have mainly built up over the 20 yr period of bad spending and bad management. The interest just seems to build and build.

I am not making an excuse re; the dog. Although he is part of the equation. At the moment I feel I need to start part time to get my head space right and build some confidence back. Once OH has been gone a while and we can see what’s happening with everything then hopefully I can look at full time.

OH says (right now anyway) he doesn’t want any equity in the house. I don’t think he quite knows how much the house could be worth though. I check right move regularly and have a rough idea of what we could get.

I did see a solicitor for the free ½ hr and he said as it’s amicable there’s not much to advise on right now.

As for pensions and savings. Well we have about £1k in savings and the pensions are really quite low (£45k him £11k for me) as they’re from other employment pooled together and with £1 token payments per month for the last few yrs.

After receiving the emails and actually talking I was a mess. And still am but a slightly calmer mess!

I don’t think there’s OW but who knows, he works for a large company and I never go there as it’s too far away. I don’t exactly trust him right now but to be honest I couldn’t care less if there is. He wants out and I accept that. We just need to communicate which is our downfall.

Do SHL’s cost though? We really don’t have much spare cash as it goes towards the debts and now for somewhere OH can live. If we could keep the house until DD is 18 (at least) then the mortgage and debts will go down quite nicely if we don’t spend on CC’s.

Just wanted to say, the debts aren’t from extravagant spending as such. OH has been unemployed too many times to count and thus we had to resort to using cards. Then adding in repairs to things over the yrs it’s all added up with interest sadly. (I don’t really call myself a fashion type person, I am a jeans/tshirt/trainers kind of person! Don’t wear jewellery, only a watch!)

I agree I haven’t contributed financially over the years and accept that criticism. I have won some things over the yrs which has paid for things in the house. Not the same I know.

OH does work a long week (about 50 miles away, can 2 hrs home in rush hour) so I take up the household stuff.

I don’t start the job until Tues but hopefully it will all go well.

We made the decisions about work together, and he’s never pushed me about it. I know I should have done something sooner and wish I had but that’s easier said than done. I’ve always been shy anyway but add in the lack of confidence (my own doing I know) and that has caused issues. I am angry I’ve let myself get into this situation.

I’ve had issues over the years with depression, never diagnosed until now. With the PND when DS was born, we all knew I had it but I brushed it under the carpet and wouldn’t seek help. Add in PMS, my mum dying a few yrs ago and things have just built up. I am seeking a referral for counselling with the local hospital rather than take pills as I feel I would benefit more in the long run from talking to somebody and working through things.

I am going to speak to my BIL's brother, who has recently gone through a separation. Hopefully he can give me some advice and help with this situation. Maybe even recommend a SHL.

I have to admit kittybiscuits I was in a fog the first week, panicking about everything, which yes does include the dog. DD can look after herself but the dog can't. I had 2 job offers, one for the 16 hrs per week and one for 32 per week. When I factored in a dog walker/petrol (further away) and other costs the 16 hr worked out slightly more favourable and at the moment I don't feel the 32 wk job would be a good move as it involves caring for people with dementia. I need a clear hear for that and hopefully in a few months I'll contact them again to enquire about jobs (they said to keep in touch). I DO want to work FT and know I will have to, it will be nice to feel financially viable on my own if I'm honest, I just am trying to do one step at a time right now.

Just take it one step at a time OP.

Have you looked at the tax credit website to see what you will be entitled to once you start working? Assuming you won't be on a high wage....

www.gov.uk/tax-credits-calculator

It will show you how much you will get between now and 5 April 2017 and will be a useful guide. The 16 year old still counts whilst in FTE. Hopefully you will be able to work things out. It may mean that your husband has to put buying an additional property on hold until your youngest leaves education, but that will give you time to build your confidence and earning potential back up.

Blimey happypoobum...

On top of regular child support you got a future cut of his very modest wage, and now you're outearning EXH but get three quarters of house equity.

Geezer got rinsed.

OP - I won't give you advice on everything else as you've had some really great responses, but you mentioned interest on your CC. You need to be moving that to interest free CC's immediately. The sooner you're not paying the interest, the more manageable the debt will become. Good luck

Quite babyname but isn't that the point of men according to some on here?

loobyloo1234 - we've tried to move some high interest ones onto a couple of 0% cards, one big one was moved onto a % for life deal which reduced the interest by quite a bit. In the past I've tried to talk OH into a DMP but he wasn't keen and getting him interested in 0% deals is tricky!

We do have a budget now for food and he does the bills monthly but apart from that they're not kept up to date. I suggested doing them weekly but that hasn't happened. I've said I'd do them but he has a system he doesn't want to be messed with.

p.s. I don't want to fleece him or take child/spousal support. I would just like to earn enough to pay the bills and keep a roof over mine and DD/DS's heads.

My concerns with a future job are I'm not sure what I want to do! Going for qualifications would require me to have an idea of the path I'd like to take. One is the caring or support worker side, as I've done office work and feel it's not me any more - although I would do it if I got a job in that field. And the cost of qualifying in another career. My zest for life over the yrs has dwindled. My dad and sister think this new job and OH leaving will be the making of me.

I cant believe how feminist this forum is!

There's always a second side to a story you know. I see loads of stay at home wife's who manage to do something with their lives and contribute financially.

The open uni is a great or might have been a great option for someone like OP, but to totally screw up your own future, while you and your hubby rack up 42k of debts on cc is your own fault!

Who would want to stay in a marriage like that?

And yea, no skills yet you don't want to do care work! I've seen graduates doing care work (albeit temporarily) but when you're screwed you do what you have to in other to get yourself out.

Of course you must take child and spouse suport ( if awarded )!

Why should he not suport his own children ? And he has benefitted from you providing free childcare and domestic labour for him for all these years , to the benefit of his income and the detriment of your own.

Do you really think it's fair to expect the taxpayer to pay for them instead? Benefits are for those who need them, not to subsidise men who CBA to pay for their own lifestyle choices .

This is exactly why you need a solicitor, to explain what you are entitled to.
Please see another one, the one you saw was useless.

Your pensions will be part of yrou assets and will be factored into the calculation.

I'm glad to hear that your family are so supportive of you and I hope that their predictions are true .

Not entirely certain what you definition of feminism is user...312 but it won't match mine as nothing here is really a feminist issue... it is an issue of marriage and divorce!

There is nothing feminist about having, or not having, a housewife role if that s what both parties want and agree to. That is a matter of choice, not feminism.

No baby the judge awarded me 75% of the equity in exchange for not having any share of the pension - it's standard practice where I am but I know some courts favour pension sharing orders.

Don't worry about XH - his new DW owned her house outright when they married. He told me this was "because she did really well out of her divorce settlement, not like you."

I managed to keep the moral high ground and nod politely

this ain't gonna be popular but I would caution against assuming the kids are fine. Things can be challenging for young people.

Sorry OP and sorry about the depression. Vile thing.

Can I just add my ten-pence worth with regards to your depression Op? I work in mental health and all the experts agree that the most effective way to treat depression is a combination of medication and talking therapies (counselling). You won't be zonked out on tablets - tbh it can take a while to find what anti-depressants suit you anyway. Counselling via the NHS can take ages to sort out. Months. Private counselling can be good and some places will charge you a nominal amount. Please please do see your GP to talk though all the options.

And sounds as if you're doing well. This is huge stuff. It will work out but hang on in there.

Blanche

I get a the whole "support" thing going in here for OP. But there are hints in the op's post that gives me an impression of her attitude to work and finances.

Life is though! Some have no choice but still do care work ( a lot of them married with kids) and some over qualified for that sort of job. OP can't do care work because "it's below her" - poorly paid.

OP can't work because she has a dog!? Wtf???

Staying at home is no excuse to have no skills at all and I may be wrong but quite a lot of the responses suggests this is been encouraged.

I have a neighbour (single mum, 3 kids) who decided to train as a midwife 3 years ago, so did my stay at home aunt despite been married to a high earner.

No one has given op any advice on how to seek help with gaining skills or getting a job. Trust me, that house OP is banking on may eventually get sold and half the proceeds remitted to her, but given her attitude towards work, debts and poor earning potential, she'll always need someone to carry her.