Husband has ended it.

[itsovernow1]

Hi
New user looking for advice.

Short story - We have been married 20 yrs, 2 kids 16 and 19. 16 yr old is at college and 19 yr old is away at Uni (1st yr). We have a 4 yr old dog.

Never been the best marriage, but I thought we were ticking away. Wrong! OH has apparently been thinking for some time he wants out and has made that decision. Btw it's probably a 50/50 'blame' for this. I'm not the easiest person to live with, as I have just been disagnosied with depression probably going back to PND with DS.

He emailed me (we do things that way, not healthy, I know) 4 weeks ago saying he wants out. I rang him to talk and he basically said he's had enough, he's detached and would rather live on his own. I said I think we can work through things and can talk it out. He said we need to talk and that was that. He picked our son up from the station on his way home as son was coming home for the weekend and nothing else was said. Even when we took the dog for a walk the next morning.

Then 2 weeks ago I received another email from OH saying the same as the first, wondering why I’d been acting normally (I thought he’d been thinking about things as I had mentioned on the phone but apparently not) but telling me he's been looking for places to stay near his work which is 45 miles away. It's just about doable re: money wise, as he spends a lot on petrol.

We have a mortgage of 82K (11 yrs to run), joint debts of 42k (credit cards only). The house is worth about 280,000 I think so plenty of equity there. But obviously taking into account the mortgage and debts that equity is cut in half.

The problem I foresee is my situation. I have had no job for pretty much all of our marriage. I worked until we had our first 19 yrs ago but it wasn't financially viable to carry on so I stopped. I had a 1 yr admin contract about 10 yrs ago at a kids nursery (it was closing down so lady who worked there wanted out for another job). But that's it. I don't have any career qualifications unfortunately.

I do want to work and know I have to but my confidence level is pretty much 0. I don't have any real skills to speak of and am terrified right now! Yes it's my fault I am in this situation but I am 'sh*ting' myself right now.

After 1 week of doing nothing but job searching I do have a part time (16 hrs) job starting on Tues in the evenings at local diy store. I could have done another (carers) job I had been offered but right now I don’t feel I could commit to something that needs so much emotional involvement and more hours for not much more money.

We made the work decision for myself together and OH hasn't pushed it (we both don't like confrontation). It worked for us. And as he left early and came back late workdays it meant I looked after everything here at home.

We have a dog which means working full time is out at the moment as we don't really have family close by or friends to let him out during the day. If I can move into a full time job with good wages I can obviously pay a dog walker (or come home to let him out)

OH says he wants to talk so we can make this transition as smooth as possible. So do I. I am not after fleecing him. I just want a roof over our heads and money to pay the bills. I know in time the house will have to be sold but right now it's worrying. I don't really want to end up renting. And even flats around our way are quite expensive.

OH has said that bringing things up about the separation is ‘tough’ as I’m not particularly receptive. Well go figure! I will talk about it but obviously I am angry/emotional whereas he’s way past that point.

What would people advise as the next steps to take? I don't even know where to start as my head is spinning. Right now I am concerned about my daughter (mainly, as son is the independent one) and the money. The kids are OK with it and they aren’t surprised! Strange response but makes me feel slightly better they’re handling it well.

At the moment things are amicable but OH wants to rent a room in a house (private) which is further away from work than first hoped and is more money. Once we know my wages we can obviously nail the finances but right now I’m still worried.
I’d love to keep the house and the mortgage payments are very reasonable as the rate is so low but I would never be able to get a mortgage to cover what we owe as my (soon to be wages) are so low plus the debts are taken into account. OH is on about 4 times my soon to be wage.

Thank you.

Well, today started OK then the post arrived.

Still nothing from STBXH or his SOL but I did receive a Mortgage Redemption Statement from our mortgage company. How nice of STBXH to let me know he'd done that so it wasn't a shock. I know it's probably so he has the figures but still. I gives a very bad impression to me.

Probably being over dramatic, but I was expecting it to be (after I saw the logo) a mortgage statement we get every yr. But no. I'm trying to keep calm, remembering that we have a JOINT mortgage and the solicitor said he can't force me to sell. But it's still unsettling. And he chooses to ask the day before he's out with DD for the evening. Probably hoping it would arrive today so he could pick it up with the rest of his post when he dropped her off later tonight. Well, I will be keeping it 'safe' until after I've seen the solicitor on Tuesday. It's a joint statement after all and our post has be unreliable lately.... I won't be holding it forever, only until I've seen my SOL.

ETA: actually, I've just noticed it's addressed just to ME. Not to STBXH. That's weird. I haven't asked anyone for anything. ???? So I don't have to show him anything but I am confused......

Actually, after thinking about it, I know what happened. He asked for the redemption information and I've been copied in, as he did ring them up in Jan to say we were separating and to have it on file. So I couldn't do anything without his say-so and vice versa.

So that's your copy then is it - so you can keep it and take it to your solicitor.

Could you ask STBX what's taking his solicitor so long? (Sound as if you are anxious to get shut of him ). Does he know you have seen/are seeing your own solicitor or are you keeping it under your hat?

Yep, sounds like it's my copy. Just hope STBXH isn't getting ahead of himself. I will be giving a copy to my SOL, along with his last email. On Monday I will go through what I need to take. Any advice welcome on that front!

I will be asking him what his SOL is playing at yes. Politely of course. Need to keep it clean and tidy as I know he'll be sharing it with others (not just his SOL but his new bestie).

I want to sort out what is actually happening, as I feel like I'm in limbo.

Plus once someone says they'll do something I get impatient. Either don't say it or say it and actually do it! So far nothing is happening.
He knows I will be contacting my SOL but not when. I said I'd wait for his contact first, but looks like that won't be happening yet if his SOL only just has the mortgage info. Which means STBX took his bloomin' time. As usual.

This feeling of being in limbo is mostly why you feel so up and down - nothing is definite.

Not an expert at what you should take to the sol on Tuesday - any bank statements, wage slips (his and yours) - anything financial really - have you got anything about any pensions of his? Details of the credit card debts.

I also found it useful to write a list of questions to make sure I didn't forget something - are your sis or Dad going with you? You need another pair of ears (and another head) - perhaps ask one of them to take notes.

Other people will know better what info you should take with you. (It's a long time since I did this and I can't remember and wouldn't be surprised if things had changed anyway).

Thanks. I will try to make a list of what to take and scramble things together on Monday.

Yep, Sis and Dad are coming with me again, more ears and eyes, plus I don't have to repeat myself! I will try to make notes of questions I want to know. I know what I'd like to happen but not sure it's even possible. Can't hurt to ask I suppose.

I text STBX this morning to ask when his solicitor will be contacting me, as it had been a few weeks. His reply was he needs to write me an email to explain what’s going on. There are a lot of forms to fill out and he needs to supply information to his SOL before they can contact me. There is also the issue of funds he has to pay. He said sorry as he is aware he has to email me about it.

Seems he didn’t do his homework about exactly what the divorce process is or how much it costs. That’s why I wouldn’t even attempt to do a DIY Divorce, like some people here have suggested. I’ve seen how many forms there are and what they ask for and it’s bloomin' confusing for me! Kudos to those who can do it, but it's not my route. Plus the cost is easy to find online, it’s not only funds for the divorce itself though but the SOL costs he'll have to pay.

Well, hopefully he’ll send his email before Tuesday morning and I can take that with me as well.

At this stage I have no idea what he knows from a SOL and what he doesn't.

Hope your meeting with the solicitor goes well tomorrow, op.

Thank you.
Visit to SOL with Dad and Sis went well. She was positive this morning. Lots of figures on paper though with different scenarios attached. After a while it gets confusing! I need to get 2 more local valuations done on the house so we can judge what kind of price it would sell for. Also look on right move to get an idea of what kind of equity I would need to buy a reasonable place for me, DD and also DS when he's home.

Hopefully STBXH and his SOL will get their fingers out and start the divorce proceedings so I can at least see what they've done. I won't be contesting as it's not worth my time or money to do that. I will let him know if I don't like what he's written though. Staying in the house could be an option if finances allow, there are so many variables right now it's still in limbo.

My SOL said to keep STBXH 'sweet' and make all the right noises that he wants to hear but keeping in mind what I really want to do! LOL! Won't be doing anything until we see the details from STBXH's SOL though. Then we can go for the comeback.

Still no contact from STBXH. I send him texts (well 2 in total!) asking reasonable questions and he doesn't respond. Rude.

Stay or sell, all comes down to finances, as usual. And that takes time.

Sounds like it went well and you made progress. You just need to get your head round the figures.

Sorry if I have missed this, but what grounds will he using to divorce you?

It did go OK, I suppose. Not sure how these things are supposed to go though! We can't more forward until STBXH and his SOL sort the divorce out and come through with their side of things. The figures as they stand mean I can't buy him out, can't buy anywhere else big enough and am up sh*t creek without a paddle. My Dad may be able to help but that's not a definite until he's sorted in his new place. Time will tell.

He's going for unreasonable behaviour I assume. I really don't know. He did suggest going for the 2 yr separation thing, saying we'd been living together more as 'friends' than anything else and could still go that route maybe. Although I didn't see it that way. Shame on me.
I thought we could try to talk about it so neither one got more hurt and try to keep it amicable but no, apparently not.

I've got a house valuation booked for Friday. Need to ring the other agent back, the one the SOL recommended as they're primarily 'local' ones (and she probably values them, IDK), and will do that when I'm in the mood. Dog has been a pain this morning and I have a short fuse so I need time!

I sent my forms back in March to get a refund on my dental treatment using the NHS card I got, but so far I've heard nothing back. I assume it's a dead horse so won't be seeing that. No big deal,it's not a lot of money and I wasn't going to send it back, but thought why not. I have received another card though for the next 7 months.

My working and child tax credits are doing my head in tbh. My hours the past couple of weeks have gone up (the average) because of O/T, meaning I have to work out my wages for the new tax yr. I'm paranoid about being overpaid so I've worked it out to the best of my knowledge and changed it online. Hopefully I won't be overpaid.

That seems awful tough - for him to say you have behaved unreasonably. Does it have to be he who initiates the divorce? Is it because he will pay. I don't really understand but it seems wrong that

(a) he can accuse you of being unreasonable when he seems to be the unreasonable one, and
(b) he can keep you waiting around like this - hanging on his pleasure.

And that's before any talk of "fair" finances which would allow you a decent standard of living in repayment for all the childcare/ housekeeping/ dogcare etc you have done over the years all of which has allowed him to progress his career and pension.

I am not an expert - it was a long time ago that I divorced my ex (for adultery - it was true and quicker and he agreed to it) but this seems unfair.

Unfair, but tbh the reasons don't bother me and I guess I am hoping he'll choose ones I agree with. If he doesn't I won't contest it but will let him know I don't agree! I've bitten my tongue long enough!
This in another thing he didn't think through, how much there is to fill in and the cost. The longer I wait does mean the longer I live here and the mortgage goes down. That's how I am trying to look at it. He's the one dragging it out so far, suits me.
He won't change, it's always been this way. It's the fact he's ignoring the majority of my texts and when I do reply to his emails he has to take time to respond. He wants to keep emotions out of it. Idiot.

My SOL seems to think we'll do OK and if my Dad can help that will take a weight off things. I know I won't be homeless but it's still stressful.

Had the tax credits stuff through this morning outlining the yrs payments - past and future. Gotta say, in the short period between Feb and April I was overpaid. The horror stories online make me wonder why I decided to claim in the 1st place. (haven't received the renewal pack yet though)

I tell myself I'm saving the credits for any eventuality, when in reality I'm scared stiff of spending any as I know I will be overpaid and need to pay it back - specially as they will stop next July when DD is 18 and they'll then want the lump sum back after the next tax yr. (albeit a payment plan can be set up, from what I've read). When they're still running, the overpayment gets taken off the weekly payments which is what they're doing now, although they haven't said how much I was overpaid by. Crafty that. Which I can handle. But it's the future that worries me. I've tried to be honest with this new tax yr and keep upping my income and hours as I keep doing overtime, but it'll still work against me I can feel it. Doesn't help that it takes a long time to actually go through the system and update everything!

I'm going to have to cut down the overtime and stick to the new hours I've put down. The boss may not like it but it has to happen. I can still do 4 hrs OT each week. Hopefully I've worked out (roughly) the correct income for the next yr. Trying to find any information about how they work out the tax credits is impossible. I mean, wage brackets etc... I'd rather be underpaid and never paid back than over paid!

Had an estate agent round this morning. (next one is Monday). He seemed upbeat about the whole thing, wasn't pushy but helpful. He priced it slightly higher than the previous one, which is good from a selling POV but not a 'buying out STBXH' POV! LOL! He did say he'd give me 2 letters if required, one for real figure and one for STBXH figure! They've sold a fair few properties around our estate so I trust his judgement. Now to see what the next one Monday says. (the previous one was 3 months ago now so doesn't count as much!)

On positive notes I did buy doughnuts for work tonight! Hopefully no one else had the same idea....... and tomorrow we are having our monthly Chinese take away. It was due last week but when we got to the Chinese place they had shut for 2 weeks for a holiday! So this week it is.

Well, STBXGH has finally emailed me re: the divorce. Apparently he doesn't 'tr know when his SOL will contact me as there are a lot of forms to fill in and costs to pay, so no firm date just yet. Why he couldn't tell me that when I asked him (twice) is beyond me.

Oh and he's moved. Apparently the other place he was renting terminated his lease (to put the house on the market, if you believe his previous convo with DD), so he's found a new place to live. The place he's got now is nearer to work so he can probably walk if need be (to save petrol), probably why he's not bothered about collecting the bike as well.

Although the address he has given me doesn't exist - I suspect he's got the postcode wrong - but I've pointed out it doesn't exist so if he could actually give me the right one I'd appreciate it! Although if he was copying it how he got the postcode wrong is beyond me. Makes me suspicious - yet again!

He has the financial forms to fill in and wants to know my job title and what I get from my tax credits. Are these details (tax credits mainly) I should just hand over right now? Gotta say whatever figure I give for them will be wrong though, as they're overpaying me and I have no clue when they'll adjust it or how much I'll have to pay back. Not to mention they will stop next July when DD is 18 so not exactly a long term benefit. (but I feel they'll be held against me). I want to cooperate but feel he's not being honest and I won't see his figures until he files the papers.

Is he going to run his figures past you before submitting them? Only seems fair if he is going to know all your business beforehand. As you said before though, re the delay - it is all to your benefit really.

You could say that you really need to have the proper postal address in case you need to forward his post. I know he will say he will pick it up, but tell him you get sick of it hanging around the hall or something. It does sound dodgy though - would he be this incompetent at work (I mean getting figures wrong such as a post code)?

I notice you are on 990 messages now - will you be starting another thread when it gets to 1000? If so it would be nice to post the link at the end of this one.

Haha! I doubt I'll see his figures no. I won't be rushing to hand my figures over, but as I said, mine will be wrong so I'm concerned I'll get judged on the figures as they are now and then have to pay half of it back. I will be ringing the tax credits office to find out how it works.

He gave me the wrong postcode apparently. (which, tbh, I did find out when googling. But wanted to point out it was wrong! LOL!). He said it was autocorrects fault! I'm not sure I believe that. But there you go.

He was very helpful when I had an email issue last night though. It's like Jekyll and Hyde.

Is that the etiquette? Starting a new thread. I will remember to do that tomorrow.

Today is trying to figure out more house locations and pricing, sorting out a professional groom for the dog (he's a big hairy beast and having a professional groom once a yr would help me out) and also looking into courses to learn Microsoft packages.

I really am not an academic and am not thrilled at the prospect of going to work in an office - even part time - but they seem to be the jobs I've done OK at and they pay pretty well so I need to stick to that. Trouble is they all want Excel and Word skills which I don't really have. So courses are the way to go. Only sticking point is they take months to learn and if STBXH has his way he won't wait. But if I have a plan maybe that will go in my favour. I'd rather wait til DD is 18 (as I've said before) which would give me time to do the course and hopefully find an office job, which could help with a (re)mortgage.

I can't use Excel either - well I can enter data onto a sheet that someone else has set up, but that's just typing really. It's years since I looked for a typing job - sometimes (in those days) if you went to a job agency they would help you with courses etc, but it probably doesn't apply these days.

A course would be a good idea though - sometimes you can do them online too.

Have a Google for Lynda.com

It's how I got back into Word and Excel and I can't recommend it more highly! I sailed through my spreadsheets accounting exam because I knew it all before I started!

Unlimited online courses (on practically everything you could think of) you do at home. They are doing a 10 day free trial then you can choose if you want to continue for either £13 a month or £22 for a premium plan. There wasn't a minimum contract when I did it either so I just cancelled when I'd got to where I wanted to be. Cheaper than college.

Take a look, see what you think

I'll check it out thanks. I've looked at online ones before and my main problem with all online is I don't think I'd stick at it. I'm more a hands on person - show me and be there for me to ask questions and I can do it, just tell me, leave me to my own devices and I get confused! I'd prefer a setting I have to go to every week where it makes me knuckle down. Otherwise I don't think I'll commit. But I'll check all avenues. Cheaper the better!
I think (know) I worry too much about everything. Even if I've done something right (and been told it's right) I still worry!

They're like online modules. You start easy and work your way up to expert so, just as I am, they work well for someone with a short attention span.

Maybe get the free 10 days and do the beginner module of word, won't take long. Then you can shake things up and swap to doing the beginner module of excel.

Nothing takes long which means the bite sized bits ensures you always complete, just a case of whether you then go further.

That sounds like a good idea. If they're free I have nothing to lose. It will also give me an idea of whether I can do it.

Good for you. I'd love to hear how you get on. Go for it, it's all achievable

Started a new thread in the Divorce section as it seems more appropriate now we headed that way.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/divorce_separation/2924091-Husband-Has-Ended-it-road-to-divorce?watched=1&msgid=68902195#68902195

Joysmum - I've taken a look at one site and the videos (even though American) do go through the basics quite easy. Seen a job locally that's P/T but not what I'd like to do and would screw up the tax credits right now. Couldn't do the course locally either. I don't know what to do for the best. Get a job or get some training under my belt.