Husband has ended it.

[itsovernow1]

Hi
New user looking for advice.

Short story - We have been married 20 yrs, 2 kids 16 and 19. 16 yr old is at college and 19 yr old is away at Uni (1st yr). We have a 4 yr old dog.

Never been the best marriage, but I thought we were ticking away. Wrong! OH has apparently been thinking for some time he wants out and has made that decision. Btw it's probably a 50/50 'blame' for this. I'm not the easiest person to live with, as I have just been disagnosied with depression probably going back to PND with DS.

He emailed me (we do things that way, not healthy, I know) 4 weeks ago saying he wants out. I rang him to talk and he basically said he's had enough, he's detached and would rather live on his own. I said I think we can work through things and can talk it out. He said we need to talk and that was that. He picked our son up from the station on his way home as son was coming home for the weekend and nothing else was said. Even when we took the dog for a walk the next morning.

Then 2 weeks ago I received another email from OH saying the same as the first, wondering why I’d been acting normally (I thought he’d been thinking about things as I had mentioned on the phone but apparently not) but telling me he's been looking for places to stay near his work which is 45 miles away. It's just about doable re: money wise, as he spends a lot on petrol.

We have a mortgage of 82K (11 yrs to run), joint debts of 42k (credit cards only). The house is worth about 280,000 I think so plenty of equity there. But obviously taking into account the mortgage and debts that equity is cut in half.

The problem I foresee is my situation. I have had no job for pretty much all of our marriage. I worked until we had our first 19 yrs ago but it wasn't financially viable to carry on so I stopped. I had a 1 yr admin contract about 10 yrs ago at a kids nursery (it was closing down so lady who worked there wanted out for another job). But that's it. I don't have any career qualifications unfortunately.

I do want to work and know I have to but my confidence level is pretty much 0. I don't have any real skills to speak of and am terrified right now! Yes it's my fault I am in this situation but I am 'sh*ting' myself right now.

After 1 week of doing nothing but job searching I do have a part time (16 hrs) job starting on Tues in the evenings at local diy store. I could have done another (carers) job I had been offered but right now I don’t feel I could commit to something that needs so much emotional involvement and more hours for not much more money.

We made the work decision for myself together and OH hasn't pushed it (we both don't like confrontation). It worked for us. And as he left early and came back late workdays it meant I looked after everything here at home.

We have a dog which means working full time is out at the moment as we don't really have family close by or friends to let him out during the day. If I can move into a full time job with good wages I can obviously pay a dog walker (or come home to let him out)

OH says he wants to talk so we can make this transition as smooth as possible. So do I. I am not after fleecing him. I just want a roof over our heads and money to pay the bills. I know in time the house will have to be sold but right now it's worrying. I don't really want to end up renting. And even flats around our way are quite expensive.

OH has said that bringing things up about the separation is ‘tough’ as I’m not particularly receptive. Well go figure! I will talk about it but obviously I am angry/emotional whereas he’s way past that point.

What would people advise as the next steps to take? I don't even know where to start as my head is spinning. Right now I am concerned about my daughter (mainly, as son is the independent one) and the money. The kids are OK with it and they aren’t surprised! Strange response but makes me feel slightly better they’re handling it well.

At the moment things are amicable but OH wants to rent a room in a house (private) which is further away from work than first hoped and is more money. Once we know my wages we can obviously nail the finances but right now I’m still worried.
I’d love to keep the house and the mortgage payments are very reasonable as the rate is so low but I would never be able to get a mortgage to cover what we owe as my (soon to be wages) are so low plus the debts are taken into account. OH is on about 4 times my soon to be wage.

Thank you.

A previous poster, Trich, said the thread is hidden. MNHQ have since deleted the post.

Sending you massive (unmumsnetty) hugs OP

Ah, OK. Thanks for explaining.

I feel I should be feeling better than I am. :/

I am very sorry for how you are feeling

Could you try doing one small special thing for yourself every day?

He is a totally selfish, immature, emotionally constipated twat. You're a kind, hard- working, conscientious, mature adult. The dc will see that, if not now then in the future.

It's hard, very hard but keep going - you are doing well.

The day started terrible, got better though. I was very short with DS when they got home, I wasn't in the mood to talk about their day and don't care really. The purpose of the day (in my mind) was to see their grandparents, so....

DD decided she wanted to come with me last night as Sis had invited us to a (village) pub to watch BIL and his band play. DD surprised me tbh! Didn't expect her to want to come but I think she enjoyed it. Good evening. Very rowdy at the beginning when we arrived (a birthday girl was already drunk and dancing with her friends). Late night.

Up early'ish to walk the dog (quite warm out there already) and get ready for my Dad who's coming down for lunch and to catch up with DS. Curry for lunch seemed a good idea last week before I saw the weather forecast..... Oh well.

Feeling better today. Had a dream I won euromillions next week..... yeah, hmmmm... well, gotta dream.

Still not sure of anything, still waiting for STBXH's SOL to contact me. Feels like all I'm doing is waiting these days. But I guess it's going in my favour, as the debts might not be going down, but the mortgage is....

Its good you are feeling a bit better today,
Going out and doing things with people you like is a good plan.

I hope the lunch was nice. What you made sounded delicious and they say it's going to cool right down anyway.

Lunch was good yes. Dad does like his food!

DD let slip that STBXH might be moving again, as the owners (of the house he rents the room out of) might be selling up. Hmmmm... so he signs a lease at the end of Dec and they decide in 4 months they might want to sell??? Anyone else smell fish?! DD did say the owners would give him his security deposit back - which if I'm right, that's standard any way at the end of a lease! (the security deposit from the joint account I might point out).

Sadly, I don't believe a word he says any more so even if I ask him and he told me the truth I'd think he was lying (cry wolf anyone?!). He still hasn't emailed me back about the unexplained transactions from the joint account I found...... funny that.

Just can't understand his mindset at all. Why be so dishonest when there is no apparent need?

Not sure what he's playing at. Starting to think there is OW after all. Or someone who has filled his head with things.(well actually I know there is one of those).

The bike is gathering a nice layer of dust in the garage. This weather is perfect biking weather but no. He'd rather leave it there. Pathetic.

All his dishonesty now makes me wonder what else I've missed out on - what he's deliberately not told me over the yrs.

You are certainly seeing him in a different light.

Unfortunately I am. I'm not sure of anything he has done or will do any more.

I know he wants to move on, I get that, but at the expense of everyone else in this family? That's the bit I don't understand. You don't just get divorced and that's that. But he seems to think it is.

He told DD that he wanted to pick them up earlier last week than usual when seeing the in-laws because he wanted to get up and leave, not hang around his new place. The owners don't really talk and he (they?) don't have a TV so he can't just veg out in front of that. Not sure whether he was looking for sympathy or piling on the crap so DD felt sorry for him. He has a perfectly good home here but he didn't want to stay and try to work things through, he left. No sympathy from me!

He has just shrugged off his responsibilities as a father and husband, hasn't he?

Extraordinary.

STBXH probably thinks he's having it hard, renting a room. But that's his choice and he doesn't really have the same responsibilities any more. Like this 4 day weekend, he can go where he wants, do what he wants, even go abroad if he wants (he won't though!). He could have collected the bike last week and taken the 4 days off to fix it.... bet he didn't even think of that though.

One of those weeks. You know when you feel like you can't do anything right? Changed to 4 nights as well, same hours, just spread out. as we've had another delivery day added. The 6-12 has gone which is fine by me, don't have to deal with customers either (which I do but I'm not really there for that and you can't get a lot done) but it's been really busy and 3 late nights already takes time to get used to! Last one to finish this week. Then off we go again! We don't have BH's off so it's just another weekend to me.

Trying to be upbeat but really I'm flat. Can't explain it. Still nothing from STBXH's SOL. This waiting is bloody annoying. I get more paranoid about what costs I'm going to have to cough up for. The Divorce thread is good but some of the comments are scaring me!

Mentioned to DD about going to a theme park in a month or so when she has finished her exams before going back to college. I used to love theme parks, not so much the big rides now as they tend to give me headaches!, but the atmosphere and the smaller rides. Just a day out to chill. STBXH would go along with it but always went on about the cost, even if I got tesco or 2for1 vouchers. Took the shine out of it after a while. Always me organising it as well. We've already decided which one to go back to, been a few times before but we love it. Only downside is a journey round the M25 hitting the Dartford Crossing along the way! Never fun! May go the other way round to avoid the tunnel but we'll see. Can take longer if more roadworks.

Next weekend I'm taking DD to an Open Day at the (next but one local) Uni to see what's it like for the course she's thinking of doing. It'll give her a rough idea of what it entails and whether she'd like it (even if she doesn't go to that Uni). As it's local I know the area surrounding it but not the exact pin-pointed location. This is where my confidence issues come in! I hate not knowing where I'm going and worry about getting things wrong and looking stupid, parking, taking wrong turns. This will be a test! The sat-nav will be my friend as will google maps/streetview!

Waiting for anything is just awful - draining and stressful. When all this is sorted you'll look back and be so relieved that you've got through it and out the other side!

Hope so! Just keeps dragging. On one hand I want to receive stuff but on the other I don't. It's 'rock=hard place' situation.

Keeping my eye out for jobs online. I thought it would be easy finding another part time job during the day (that I can do) to fit in with my present evening job. Well, it's not as easy as I thought! So many want you to be flexible or most of the part time ones are afternoon/early evening. I would do a full time one if the hours were just right. More money and experience. I'd love a full time one for the money alone, but so many I'm not qualified for. It's a little disheartening.

My problem is I'm not ambitious or a good student (to go back to studying). I'm more hands on than academic. Really wish I could change that. More hours at the present job won't be on the cards at all I don't think. The new larger store isn't going ahead now so that's a blow.
The current boss wants to consider changing my hours - again! I could go back to 6pm starts but no way am I doing 4pm starts. That would cut my job hunting choice way down before I start!

Please stop looking for jobs at present. That could affect any future settlement. You are far too disturbed by his erratic behaviour to even concentrate.

The person to impress is the judge at the Final Hearing. Its a long way off, maybe a couple of years. Meanwhile, ......

Remember that solicitors have no clout, only Courts do, keep that in mind all the way through and ignore sols letters if you wish. So if his sol demands an answer to something, just put it in your file. No reason to reply and you saved yourself £100!

If you wish to vent, we are here to listen
I made mistakes and have learned from them.

Print off the Court Fee exemption forms as you're low paid and take them to CAB to be filled out. Also Court desk will help you. The fact he pays the bills buggers that up somewhat, which is clever of him, the controlling bastard.
Just search, "HM getting a divorce" and all links you need are within.
I wrote a tome which I scrubbed as let's take you one stage at a time.

One thing I want to ask you and tell me to buzz off if too intrusive. As he's never truly left. IE, his post still comes to you. His bike is there and he's still paying all the bills. Would you have him back?
No blame if you would or not as I made the biggest mistake ever through sheer pride. Two words to him FO, and I was wrong. Think on it.

Hi
I admit I do surf the job sites to see what's there. I haven't applied for any for a while and won't unless something really exciting comes along that I don't want to miss. Right now I can sit tight. And tbh some days I don't think I could go to work full time as my head is not in the right place.

Yesterday I really didn't want to get out of bed. Today I did as I had things to do and have to plan for the trip to the Open Day at the Uni we're visiting tomorrow. Bricking it actually. Normally STBXH would sort this stuff out (directions, parking) but it's all me. Luckily I've been with STBXH and DS to a few open days before so that part isn't new to me. Just got to mark sure I find the damn car park tomorrow! I know most of the way, just the nitty gritty once in the town.

I do know that if I want a decent job during the day I will need to think about doing a course to update my computer skills. I don't want to as I find it boring but needs must. Excel and SAGE seem to be popular ones so I'll look into that in a few months.

I will admit I dread getting any SOL letters - from mine or his! I don't think I'm stupid but all this confuses me.

I'll check out the Court Fee exemption forms, thanks for the idea.

Tbh he has to pay the bills as I can't afford to. Well, I could probably pay a little more but what I'm saving will go towards any unexpected bills, keeping the car running (as opposed to a new old one) and any SOL charges that are going to happen. He can do more O/T when he fancies (and probably is) whereas I can't.

Not sure whether his post still comes here or he's had it redirected since I told him last week to change the CC bills addresses. I haven't had post for a few days and today it was just something for me. The bike is well and truly stuck in the garage. Although the trip out tomorrow concerns me. Not sure whether he remembers us talking about it back in Jan or if DD has casually mentioned it. But we'll be out for a few hours and if he has remembered..... he could well decided to make a visit while we're not here. I've asked DD to hold back on mentioning things like days out until after the event so this situation can't arise. I will be checking the CCTV when we get back. He'd be stupid to delete that as that would really give the game away.

Sometimes I think I would have him back just to keep things 'the same', but I know deep down nothing would change - he'd still be secretive and I couldn't trust him again. (plus my issues haven't disappeared and won't). After a few things in the past I never really have trusted him, which did contribute to the demise of the marriage. But after recent things came to light I was right to not trust him as he was holding things back. No doubt he'll blame that on me.

Right now I'm just concerned about where we going to live. Yes things will take time with this house but if he stops paying the bills or demands I pay my fair share I'm screwed. In all honesty (and yes I am biased) selling this house would be a big mistake.

The mortgage has 10 yrs to run with a VERY good rate, going down pretty quickly. It's a decent sized house with scope for improvement in a good area that's sought after, as it's very local to a infants/primary school (2 actually, 1 on our road) and within walking distance of 2 secondary schools. On a bus route or you can walk into town. (sounds like an ad for right move!). Selling would cost a fortune and eat into the equity to share plus DS and DD have lived here pretty much all their lives. Yes that can change but why now? It's their home. And mine. STBXH has said it wasn't his, but that's not all my fault, it's what you make of it. The kids still need a decent place to live and this is it. When they're not at Uni (if DD goes, she might decide not to) I still need a place for them to live! and come to visit.

If we could come up with a solution re: the debts I do wonder if he'd think about the house. He can get another mortgage while on this one, although I know that's not easy as you really have to prove you can afford it, but if I can pay my share of the mortgage here it could work. He's on a good salary and this mortgage is a good price which will keep going down. Trouble is he won't even talk about it, any of my suggestions get shot down. His 1st and 2nd email were pretty much the same and my one in-between was ignored!

Ah well, can't magic money out of thin air.

Will need to sort my SOL out as I haven't heard from his and after talking to my Dad the other day he thinks it's a good idea just to get in there and do our thing regardless of STBXH and his SOL. Although it would be nice to be armed with what STBXH and his SOL have to say.

Long week is nearly over.

Going to 4 nights isn't much of an issue, just a bit more tiring at the moment as I'm having 4 late nights and DD is back at college so getting up at 6 or 7! I'll get used to it.

Last night was a long one as I was asked to go in early, which was fine. The boss originally wanted 4-12 but I said I could only do 5-12, mainly as I had things to finish off and to eat dinner. I may even get to finish early tonight (11) to cut down the OT from last night. Suits me (I asked) as I'm up early tomorrow for the trip out. We shall see.

Working when the shop is open comes with a different sets of problems, mainly customers ask you for help and you don't know what they're talking about! Luckily I did manage 99% of the questions last night as I'm getting to know my way around the shop, which is satisfying tbh. Just slows you down restocking and when you do have a query you find the others who can help you have disappeared for their coffee break or gone home!

I have Monday night off, I've decided I'll be (trying!) to redecorate DS's bedroom. It hasn't been done for a while and is tatty, he comes back from Uni in June so it's the only real chance I have to do it. All the other rooms have been done in the past couple of yrs. Moving most of the furniture should be fine but the 3 door wardrobe and bunk bed (double down, single up) could prove tricky! I will not be defeated (she says!), as long as I can get them moved a few inches to paint the walls behind them it should be fine! Most things I can't do, but decorating I can (and it's always been me for most of it tbh). Watch this space!

Hi also. The reason I pointed you to that site was primarily so you familiarise yourself with the process.

Two separate stages. Divorce and ancillary relief, which is the money side. AR normally is settled before the decree nisi.
So
1 Serve him with divorce papers.
2 Sort out finances. This can be done by mediation which is cheaper than Court. When all agreed, on to nisi.
3 Granted nisi.
4 Absolute and that's it.

The one thing of which I have no experience is, provision for your daughter. I imagine that can be discussed at mediation. If you both vehemently disagree then to Court.

However, nothing above stops you from serving the papers which puts you in the driving seat. It's divorcing him, money matters can come later when you feel like it. You then time any financial negotiations to your own pace. Not his.
If HE does it he can hurry you in to Court when he feels like it at every stage.
You said he was rushing, so take back control.

You've done so well that I'd love you to be in control.
One thing wikivorce will do is help you fill out forms.

From my mistakes, I'd advise you to work out what you want the most, which from what you've said is your home.

AR is a bargaining tool. So you may have to give up his pension to get it. Only payment non negotiable is that to your daughter.
You're still young and have years to make your own money.

My greatest worry is that he's in IT and may go self employed to form a Ltd Co and then he's a force unto himself. I'm not asking the question to be answered but for you to be careful.

I'd ask for the house and he pays the mortgage. I'd add to that that if he defaults, then you take his pension.

So, serve the papers, showing him who's in control

See a Sol and tell them you want this.

You will waive rights to his pension, but he must pay the mortgage for ten years and then the house is yours. If he defaults, then you make claims on his pension.

Who accrued the debts and why? He was head of the household in his eyes so ask for indemnity against them.

You read on here of SHLs. No such thing. They can only follow your instructions and mine would be these, but according to your wishes may well be different.

I remain in the family home. He pays the mortgage and a portion of bills .
I will make no claim on his pension.
Indemnity against cc debts.
I will make no request for spousal maintenance.
However, if he defaults on the above, I will make a claim as to his pension.

It saves so much waffling and £ if you present to your Sol what you want. They might say it's not possible and counter your demands down.

Only you know what you want ultimately, so write it down and bargain.

I still think he might turn up and want to come home in the next month. Probably to fix his bike and it's not nice renting a room.

Hi, thanks for your input.

Unfortunately he is taking the initiative with the divorce. No discussion on that. He said he was seeing his SOL a couple of weeks ago to start proceedings but as yet I haven't received anything. We hadn't really discussed anything and he's decided it's time. I wanted to wait a little (mainly to let my mind settle) but he doesn't.

He's not in IT as such (don't want to say his title, you understand). He wouldn't sort his own company out, he's too lazy on that front to do it. He enjoys his work and he's finally got a job he likes, can't see him moving, unless it's to a competitor.

I've taken a quick look at that site and will look more in-depth at the weekend, my only problem will be he's being pig headed about what HE wants and that's that. I am hoping that once a SOL is involved he'll take my thought seriously. So far he's not.

The SOL I've already had an appointment with seems very good (from the hour we had with her, we had an hour with one previously and she wasn't as convincing although a nice enough lady). The SOL we've got (I say 'we' as my Dad and Sis come with me, for support and so I don't have to repeat everything so they understand) seems to see it from my side and seems knowledgeable enough on every subject.

The debts are a marital debt, I can't get away from that. If we could get rid of those I think he'd bargain differently, sadly they're just to much to even get a loan for. (which wouldn't solve the issue, I know that).

I've read so much about mediation, I really don't think that would help. He wants what he wants. End of. He's made that very clear. Plus I really don't want to be in a room with him. He annoys me. But I understand mediation seems standard?

It's nice to read posts where things are bullet pointed. Makes it easier for me to digest (although ALL posts are helpful, please don't misunderstand that.).

I want to make my own money. Having a pay-slip again feels good. It feels nice not having to ask someone if we can go out, what I'm spending the money on and feeling guilty about it (but I am pretty reserved and budget!) or if I want to go to Harry Potter world with the kids I will! And enjoy it without moaning about the cost! It's not every day you do these things, have to plan something occasionally. There are so many things I'd wished I'd done and then never got the chance (always wanted to go see Starlight Express but of course, they finished in the West End and I never did). Before I got married I did have some confidence, even drove to racing circuits just after passing my driving test (no Sat Navs in those days!). After marriage and PND things went downhill.

He won't come home. He wants this done ASAP, hence the divorce proceedings. He thinks 20 yrs (23 in total) can be sorted in 6 months.

I'll just tell you this. There was a huge notice on the study/office. SEPT 9th.
That was his appointment to see his Sol. Which shows what a bastard he was.
I fretted over that for days and then the fury set in. I consulted wiki, printed off the forms and then set off to the court 20 miles away like a woman possessed. I had two hours in heavy traffic to get my divorce papers in. I did it. We were still living in the house together.
Three days later and he was pacing the floor with fury when he received them.

I had divorced him.

I would bet my life that he never told the OW what happened, but it gave me much pleasure.

I'd done it though. I'd trounced his SEPT 9th. Now it was my shot.

You sound so down. I don't know whether to hug you or kick your back side?

"I will admit I dread getting any SOL letters - from mine or his! I don't think I'm stupid but all this confuses me. "

Sol letters mean little unless a notice to attend Court. I once attended court with wet hair.

It confuses you as you're terrified.
Get your big girls pants on then and bring any letters here.

Well, Uni visit over. Took wrong junction off the main road (been along there SO many times and have never taken notice of junction numbers!) BUT the 'wrong' route was the better route (and the route I thought we'd use but google obviously had other ideas I hadn't noticed!) and we ended up in the Uni car park without issue! Leaving we used the Sat Nav that decided we were going to go the original route and that was a pain in the arse! Successful day, now onto other Uni's (at least 1!) at some point to compare. Disappointed with one thing today, no students to take advice from and ask questions. Oh well.

No sign of STBXH being here. The bin men came before we left so I positioned the bin in front of the garage (carefully!) but that was just as we left it. But tbh he's not that clued up so might not have thought of coming here when we're out to get the bike.

Glad you got in there first HeeHighls - sadly I am not that type of person - I hope to be one day, will just take time to get there. I have trouble with confidence and anything - including making phone calls - can take days to muster courage for! Lets not even get into receiving calls! Private Numbers come up and I hide! I will make an appointment for my SOL for next week (hopefully) and go from there.

I've looked at all the forms online and nope, not a clue! As I said, I'm not stupid where some things are concerned but those things baffle me - not to mention I'm the type of person who frets about whether I've done something right and worry for days if I've made stupid comments to people or whether I've filled things in properly. I am hoping things like this improve for me, as I don't want to go through life as a worrying b*tch.

I guess I see SOL's as 'official people' so worry whether I'm going to get charged or it'll get taken further causing more issues. I know what I actually want at the end of this but I fear it's too much and I won't get it.

I go through stages of emotions. Today, for instance, has been pretty good but at the beginning of the week I was pretty down.

I will def bring any queries here for advice.

My boss at work wants to up my hours to 20. He'd ideally like more but can't wangle it from the big (shop) boss. We shall see if that happens. The other worker, who started the same time as me wants to leave, but as he's done a course (paid for by the shop) he'd have to pay it back (a lot of £!), if leaving within a yr, so is in a quandary. The big new shop relocation is still up in the air (not totally gone) so again we'll see if that happens.