Husband has ended it.

[itsovernow1]

Hi
New user looking for advice.

Short story - We have been married 20 yrs, 2 kids 16 and 19. 16 yr old is at college and 19 yr old is away at Uni (1st yr). We have a 4 yr old dog.

Never been the best marriage, but I thought we were ticking away. Wrong! OH has apparently been thinking for some time he wants out and has made that decision. Btw it's probably a 50/50 'blame' for this. I'm not the easiest person to live with, as I have just been disagnosied with depression probably going back to PND with DS.

He emailed me (we do things that way, not healthy, I know) 4 weeks ago saying he wants out. I rang him to talk and he basically said he's had enough, he's detached and would rather live on his own. I said I think we can work through things and can talk it out. He said we need to talk and that was that. He picked our son up from the station on his way home as son was coming home for the weekend and nothing else was said. Even when we took the dog for a walk the next morning.

Then 2 weeks ago I received another email from OH saying the same as the first, wondering why I’d been acting normally (I thought he’d been thinking about things as I had mentioned on the phone but apparently not) but telling me he's been looking for places to stay near his work which is 45 miles away. It's just about doable re: money wise, as he spends a lot on petrol.

We have a mortgage of 82K (11 yrs to run), joint debts of 42k (credit cards only). The house is worth about 280,000 I think so plenty of equity there. But obviously taking into account the mortgage and debts that equity is cut in half.

The problem I foresee is my situation. I have had no job for pretty much all of our marriage. I worked until we had our first 19 yrs ago but it wasn't financially viable to carry on so I stopped. I had a 1 yr admin contract about 10 yrs ago at a kids nursery (it was closing down so lady who worked there wanted out for another job). But that's it. I don't have any career qualifications unfortunately.

I do want to work and know I have to but my confidence level is pretty much 0. I don't have any real skills to speak of and am terrified right now! Yes it's my fault I am in this situation but I am 'sh*ting' myself right now.

After 1 week of doing nothing but job searching I do have a part time (16 hrs) job starting on Tues in the evenings at local diy store. I could have done another (carers) job I had been offered but right now I don’t feel I could commit to something that needs so much emotional involvement and more hours for not much more money.

We made the work decision for myself together and OH hasn't pushed it (we both don't like confrontation). It worked for us. And as he left early and came back late workdays it meant I looked after everything here at home.

We have a dog which means working full time is out at the moment as we don't really have family close by or friends to let him out during the day. If I can move into a full time job with good wages I can obviously pay a dog walker (or come home to let him out)

OH says he wants to talk so we can make this transition as smooth as possible. So do I. I am not after fleecing him. I just want a roof over our heads and money to pay the bills. I know in time the house will have to be sold but right now it's worrying. I don't really want to end up renting. And even flats around our way are quite expensive.

OH has said that bringing things up about the separation is ‘tough’ as I’m not particularly receptive. Well go figure! I will talk about it but obviously I am angry/emotional whereas he’s way past that point.

What would people advise as the next steps to take? I don't even know where to start as my head is spinning. Right now I am concerned about my daughter (mainly, as son is the independent one) and the money. The kids are OK with it and they aren’t surprised! Strange response but makes me feel slightly better they’re handling it well.

At the moment things are amicable but OH wants to rent a room in a house (private) which is further away from work than first hoped and is more money. Once we know my wages we can obviously nail the finances but right now I’m still worried.
I’d love to keep the house and the mortgage payments are very reasonable as the rate is so low but I would never be able to get a mortgage to cover what we owe as my (soon to be wages) are so low plus the debts are taken into account. OH is on about 4 times my soon to be wage.

Thank you.

6 months ago when we changed the clocks I knew nothing was changing. Now, having changed the clocks again it's all fecked up.
When you don't see it coming....

Your BiL was so prominent, where is he now?
What father would ever charge a bun and coffee to a joint account?

Are you, "Iwashappy" in a previous life here?

My BIL? Do you mean my BIL's brother? He was only giving advice on his situation. Which is totally different and he acted very differently to how my OH is acting. He actually cared where his children lived after the divorce.

Well, OH sees it as a joint expense I think. Plus he would use the excuse he doesn't have much income left after expenses for himself. (how is that my problem when he was the one to leave?!). I haven't mentioned it to him but will next time I see him as he should be using his money to take his daughter out.

No, I've never seen that username before, I only joined up with this one. Although now you have me intrigued as to who they were and why they were here. Can you search for that? Or point me in the right direction.

My solicitor has just emailed to say as she hasn't heard from me she'll be closing my file. I've replied saying that OH has started divorce proceedings and I will be needing her services in the next couple of weeks. I'll see what she says.

Itsover - I'm furious on your behalf. What an absolute tw*t.

You sound like a really lovely person and I can tell from your posts that you have cared for your family all these years with little thought of yourself. And bohoo to the DC's too - have some flowers from me . I feel your pain - I have 3 and only one sent me a card. The other 2 sat on the sofa all day couldn't even make it as far as the kettle to make me a cup of tea.

Try to focus your anger and resolve to fight for what is rightfully yours. Get a solicitor on board asap. It is time to stop thinking that this is all going to end nicely. He is a selfish bastard and nice is not going to happen.

Re the house. Do not agree to put it on the market until you have taken legal advice. This is not something you can sort out on your own. If he has a solictor - you need a solicitor. It would be a false economy to cut corners with solicitors - she/he will save you more money than you could ever save yourself. Muddling through without one until you really need one won't help in the long run. There is too much money at stake here and you could loose a great big chunk of it if you don't act now.

I know you have said you like to plan but try not to think too far ahead - take one day at time. Too much going on in your head at once will overwhelm you and stop you from thinking straight. Let someone else take all this worry from you - please apoint a solicitor and let them deal with it. They know what they are doing and won't fall for any of his nonsense.

I've probably repeated myself half a dozen times but hearing what your EXDH is doing to you is making my blood boil right now. Sorry for rambling and I hope I've not said anything to upset you. It's not my intention. More flowers

Thanks. I can be hard work and I know I've not been easy for OH to deal with sometimes, but that's only during PMS times or early yrs after having DS. Other times I think I've been OK, obviously not!
He's taken all the emotion out of it and has taken the 'cold' route. Trouble is, I can't do that.

I did want to try to avoid using a solicitor for as much as possible as I know the cost could spiral but alas I know I need to. I will be contacting her in the next couple of weeks as I said. Just narks me that the money I've managed to save this past couple of months for other things (not just frivolous spending) will be used on this when OH could quite easily be reasonable. Oh well.

Off to work now. 4 hrs shift so should be OK.

Roll on the divorce. (sarcasm font is needed!)

Just narks me that the money I've managed to save this past couple of months for other things (not just frivolous spending) will be used on this

Just think of it as an investment for your future.

Have a good evening

Can you get a weekday lodger or something in your sons room? Might help with cash flow.

Decent solicitor really IS an investment. Please be angry and go for everything. He probably doesn't have that much of a pension - or at any rate not a gold plated one (16 jobs in 20 years....) so you might be advised go for a higher %age of asset split now - maybe even be able to keep the house. Who knows, but please fight and fight and fight him. It will be hard, but you don't deserve to live a shit poor old age.

Decent shift last night. They're a good group of people and you can have a laugh and a chat as you work, which is why I'm reluctant to give it up for a full-time one. I've finally found a job I like and can do.
I was talking to one of the women there while putting the overstock away (only 3 of us, the others are all men) and she was certainly not complimentary about my OH when she heard what he was doing!

I don't think I'm asking for the moon just a decent place to live, big enough for 2/3 people (I'd even sleep on a sofa bed in the living room when DS comes home).

Glad work is going well, I can tell it's really helping your confidence. If you read back to the start of the thead you will see how you have changed.

Weekday lodger is a great idea, if you can make it work.Y

Icy is right about the SHL you know. I know their fees are terrifying high but you need to fight for your house and your kids.

Thanks op for clearing that up.
Have you seen this?
www.wikivorce.com/divorce/Divorce-Calculator.html

It may give you some idea. Best of luck.

How do people stay positive though? Finding it very difficult.

Not sure work is doing much for my confidence. I always worry whether people like me or I'm annoying them. This is no different. :/ I have told them to tell me just to shut up if I talk too much (which I do when I'm nervous).

While talking to the other lady at work last night, she actually asked if he had someone else! Honest answer: I don't know.

HeeHighls - I've registered but every time I try to use the calculator it logs me out! Circles.

Just to say about Solicitors.

Unless it's Court stamped, tell them to do one. On second thoughts, don't tell them anything. In fact never email or phone a solicitor as they charge for even lifting lifting your file on to their desk. I kid you not.

Solicitors have no power whatsoever.

Only the Court can order the sale of your home. That has to be from him forcing it and the Court granting it which will be a long way down the line.

You want 12 months?, You can string this out for far longer than that.

Tried a diff browser and tbh I'm not sure what values to put as we have joint finances for the house at the moment, which he pays 99%.

If we didn't have the debts then it would be more positive. Selling the house will cost a bit, selling fees plus removal fees plus any solicitor costs, then the buying process will be costly. OH hasn't actually taken that into account I feel. Another yr of paying the mortgage could make that go down a lot as well which will work mainly in my favour (selfish I know but the more equity I can get the better). I'd love a place with a garden but sadly feel that will be out of my range. I'll be pissed if OH gets a garden, mainly as he never went out there when he lived here and def didn't like gardening of any form. It would be a waste if he did.

I just feel I'm being pushed around. HE decides it's over. HE decides he's leaving. HE decides how much he pays per month. HE decides when we get divorced. I'm glad it's so easy for him. Hopefully the solicitor, when I see her, will make me feel slightly better. Guess it depends if OH contests a lot or realises he hasn't got a hope in hell and it'll just cost more money than it's worth fighting. My sister reckons he's bluffing a lot, guess I'll find out.

I'll keep an eye on work as a guy there might be leaving and I could pick up his shift on a Tues. Only 4 hrs but it's 4 hrs more than now. I'll accept any OT as well, the run-up to summer gets busy apparently so there might be more going.

HeeHighls - how does that work if he's paying the mortgage though? That could make it difficult. I will be stringing this out as long as possible as I need to. I have to admit I don't want to leave my home and can't imagine it. Not sure DD will mind, I can't gauge her (DS won't), guess it depends on where we have to go.

Gotta say, I'm kinda scared of ringing up a huge bill for this solicitor stuff. I'm not good at understanding things like this (little bit stupid on the information front) and am feeling overwhelmed already.

Just thought I'd add a couple of things from my own experience. The Wikivorce calculator is really not reliable (I wish it was, I'd have been on £1k spousal a month if it were!). Although it is an excellent site and if you were to post on it with ages, salaries, length of marriage, equity etc you would get some good advice.

Secondly, my ExH ran off just after my youngest had gone to Uni. I was keen to keep the house until he graduated to give him some stability. I strung it out for the full 3 years and put it on the market 3 months after he started his first job.

Good luck, it really does get better.

I don't think you need to put yourself under pressure to stay positive. Stay angry. String it out all you want... and you really can, I've seen people who've sat in houses & refused to sell for as long as possible. You can def string it out.

The more he earns compared to you, the better from your perspective. If you can demonstrate that your earning capacity is a fraction vs his, then there will be more of an argument to take more of the matrimonial assets. The courts aren't looking for 50/50, they're looking for an equitable share. It is not equitable for you, having given up your earning capacity to support your husband and raise your joint children, to face a vastly impoverished life compared to him.

Please bear this in mind - fight for what is fair. It is not fair for husband to take 50% of assets and then go off and earn £50k+ a year, get a new mortgage etc whilst you are left in the lurch with 50% and a bedsit.

Also don't sell yourself short. Why the duck should you be happy on a camp bed? He wouldn't be on a camp bed!

Don't think about him and what he's doing, who he is or isn't seeing etc. To be fair, actually, if he does meet and move in with someone else, then her assets & salary would go into the pot (my OH exW had details of all my assets when she took him to court 5 years after their divorce to try to increase her settlement!) so it's not necessarily dreadful (financially. Emotionally it would be shit shit shit, I know that).

Hang on in there!

oldfatandtired1 - Thanks. Even if it was reliable I don't know all the exact figures so it'd be a waste!
Eldest (19) is finishing his 1st yr of Uni and youngest (16) is finishing her 1st yr of college. A levels next yr. I can't see how STBXH can realistically think that selling is a good move right now. DD needs stability not upheaval.

I will keep it going as long as possible. Depends how difficult he makes it. If he does I won't be hiding it from DD or DS. Not to turn them against their dad but to make them aware he's the one being difficult and causing issues.

Well done on the stringing out. Did that take a lot of work or just stamina!?!

Don't think about him and what he's doing, who he is or isn't seeing etc.

Having trouble not to tbh. Mainly as I am wondering who he's with (if anyone) even if his new 'best' friend (the lesbian one). And what he's doing at the weekends, is his having fun out & about or just playing on his computer like normal?

As it stands I will have to sleep on a sofa bed (yeah a camp bed is more practical actually!) because a 3 bed place of any form is out of the question. Obviously DD and DS may want to live with their dad, DS could want that (as he and his dad have a lot in common). If DD goes to uni she may not care where she lives when she comes home. It's not a subject that has come up.

It doesn't matter. I know its easy to say, but honestly the only person you hurt when you obsess is yourself. It's like frowning all day and expecting them to get wrinkles!

Every time you find yourself thinking about him, stop, acknowledge the thought, remind yourself there's nothing you can do to affect the situation, and try to leave the thought behind. This is the principle of anxiety therapy, and it's so helpful.

Don't worry/think about the stuff you cannot affect.

The pp who said to post on the divorce site - I absolutely would. The internet is full of trolls of helpful people who want to share their experiences, and this might be useful.

Could you manage the mortgage/remortgage if you got the house? There really might be a case for a SHL to argue this for a clean break settlement which gives you the house, with a mortgage and he takes the 42k credit card debt, a sum of say £25k (which you raise by remortgaging in your own name), on the basis he earns £50k+ and can raise a mortgage of £250k, and has a deposit of £25k from the house and can build up again.

This is the sort of settlement IMO you should gun for, esp if your earning capacity is c 20k (?). You might/probably not get that, but fuck letting him walk all over you and forcing you into a hovel.

itsovernow as others have said don't sell yourself short. The aim of divorce in England is to leave both parties on an equal footing, not one sleeping on a camp bed and the other in a spacious house. In my case that meant 90% equity and a generous pension share to me in return for a clean break. Reasons were - we had a long marriage and he vastly outearned me (nearly 100k per annum to my 27k). Judge ruled I needed a mortgage free property (ex tried to suggest I should get a 1 bed ex council flat in a grotty area, judge wasn't having it!) while ex could pay a mortgage.

I managed to 'string it out' by taking my time. I was in no hurry to divorce while he paid the mortgage and house prices went up! I was also the petitioner which does give you more control of the timings.

icy121 - the mortgage here is out of my price range unfortunately. Can't even think about that. I have a 16 hrs per week evening PT job and will looking for another one during the day. If I make £15k I'll be lucky (even a FT one on it's own would be lucky to make that!). I don't have any qualifications, that's my other problem.

oldfatandtired1 - problem is even 90% equity wouldn't be enough, even moving to the next town which is cheaper. It would have to all the equity which OH originally stated he'd give me to rehouse, but that has since gone by the wayside as he says no judge would let him walk away with zero equity (and he has said he won't walk with nothing either). Me thinks someone has been having a friendly word in his ear..... lesbiannewbestiefriend

OH will be starting divorce proceedings tomorrow, if his email got the wording right (as of Wednesday I will be.....). So he's the petitioner. Bring on the unreasonable behaviour reasons. That'll tell me how nice he actually is.