Husband has ended it.

[itsovernow1]

Hi
New user looking for advice.

Short story - We have been married 20 yrs, 2 kids 16 and 19. 16 yr old is at college and 19 yr old is away at Uni (1st yr). We have a 4 yr old dog.

Never been the best marriage, but I thought we were ticking away. Wrong! OH has apparently been thinking for some time he wants out and has made that decision. Btw it's probably a 50/50 'blame' for this. I'm not the easiest person to live with, as I have just been disagnosied with depression probably going back to PND with DS.

He emailed me (we do things that way, not healthy, I know) 4 weeks ago saying he wants out. I rang him to talk and he basically said he's had enough, he's detached and would rather live on his own. I said I think we can work through things and can talk it out. He said we need to talk and that was that. He picked our son up from the station on his way home as son was coming home for the weekend and nothing else was said. Even when we took the dog for a walk the next morning.

Then 2 weeks ago I received another email from OH saying the same as the first, wondering why I’d been acting normally (I thought he’d been thinking about things as I had mentioned on the phone but apparently not) but telling me he's been looking for places to stay near his work which is 45 miles away. It's just about doable re: money wise, as he spends a lot on petrol.

We have a mortgage of 82K (11 yrs to run), joint debts of 42k (credit cards only). The house is worth about 280,000 I think so plenty of equity there. But obviously taking into account the mortgage and debts that equity is cut in half.

The problem I foresee is my situation. I have had no job for pretty much all of our marriage. I worked until we had our first 19 yrs ago but it wasn't financially viable to carry on so I stopped. I had a 1 yr admin contract about 10 yrs ago at a kids nursery (it was closing down so lady who worked there wanted out for another job). But that's it. I don't have any career qualifications unfortunately.

I do want to work and know I have to but my confidence level is pretty much 0. I don't have any real skills to speak of and am terrified right now! Yes it's my fault I am in this situation but I am 'sh*ting' myself right now.

After 1 week of doing nothing but job searching I do have a part time (16 hrs) job starting on Tues in the evenings at local diy store. I could have done another (carers) job I had been offered but right now I don’t feel I could commit to something that needs so much emotional involvement and more hours for not much more money.

We made the work decision for myself together and OH hasn't pushed it (we both don't like confrontation). It worked for us. And as he left early and came back late workdays it meant I looked after everything here at home.

We have a dog which means working full time is out at the moment as we don't really have family close by or friends to let him out during the day. If I can move into a full time job with good wages I can obviously pay a dog walker (or come home to let him out)

OH says he wants to talk so we can make this transition as smooth as possible. So do I. I am not after fleecing him. I just want a roof over our heads and money to pay the bills. I know in time the house will have to be sold but right now it's worrying. I don't really want to end up renting. And even flats around our way are quite expensive.

OH has said that bringing things up about the separation is ‘tough’ as I’m not particularly receptive. Well go figure! I will talk about it but obviously I am angry/emotional whereas he’s way past that point.

What would people advise as the next steps to take? I don't even know where to start as my head is spinning. Right now I am concerned about my daughter (mainly, as son is the independent one) and the money. The kids are OK with it and they aren’t surprised! Strange response but makes me feel slightly better they’re handling it well.

At the moment things are amicable but OH wants to rent a room in a house (private) which is further away from work than first hoped and is more money. Once we know my wages we can obviously nail the finances but right now I’m still worried.
I’d love to keep the house and the mortgage payments are very reasonable as the rate is so low but I would never be able to get a mortgage to cover what we owe as my (soon to be wages) are so low plus the debts are taken into account. OH is on about 4 times my soon to be wage.

Thank you.

Oh now I know how OH has done it. Just went through the bank statements online from Oct -Jan and there's money disappearing left right and centre. Hiding behind 'petrol budget', cash withdrawals.... just printing it out so I can tally up how much he took out 'bit by bit'. I won't go back before that as I would probably throw something. He kept upping the petrol budget and the last one he took for Dec was for double the normal amount. Probably for his 'other fees' for his rental that he swore blind weren't his problem and didn't exist.

To say I'm mad right now is an understatement. I want to kill him.

I just don't understand why you are being so nice. Also why do you keep referring to him as we.
It's as if you are so used to being told what to do you are continuing to do so.
Get bloody angry and wake up.
Ask for at least 70 per cent and maintenance.
Take control.

There's some payments I can account for, others I can't.

Oct petrol payments I agree with, totalling £350. The Dec ones I'm sceptical on, mainly as the 1st one was £230 and the 2nd at the end of the month was £350!! (fees for rental I suspect added on there).

The cash withdrawals are more sketchy, I can account for maybe 2 of them, I tend to take either £10 £20 or £30. There are 3 taken where he works so def him. There are 3 taken on a Monday at the Tesco across town, where I never go, so def him. A couple of others I'm going with him as I can't account for them in my mind. All totalling £240 from nov - end dec. Not to mention a few contactless card payments (which I never use, he does) for Costa, Tesco, for over £5 each time. (I never ask him too buy things as I can go out myself).

So for me there is a sketchy amount of £240 in cash that went walkies and the petrol for Dec is £580 which he'd never use that much (covering Dec/Jan). Wow.

That's not taking into account that the Jan payment (for Dec usage) of the mobile phone bill was £17 extra that he told me he'd used for 'work'.

He probably thought 'I'll add onto the petrol and she won't notice and take cash out a little at a time and she won't notice'. How dumb am I?!?!? I always checked my account as the food money went in there and that's what I worked to but not the main one.

Why on earth are you looking at properties for him. He's not your child. My sister used to do this. She even would text about school shoes to her ex.
You are acting like you are still married. He quite obviously doesn't give a shit and probably the kids are out of sight out of mind. Stop thinking about him and start thinking about you.
Also you need to get a full time job. The dog is an excuse.

herwegoagain123 - Oh I'm angry now. Believe me. I am biting my tongue about the money as he'd deny it or try to justify it. But it's there on the bloomin' statements in B&W. Next time I see him I may present the statements to him and ask what they were for. See his face.
I guess it's been 'we' for so long it's a hard habit to break.

herwegoagain123 - I looked at properties for both of us, I have no intention of telling him about them! I needed to see what he could get for his money, for my own curiosity (so he can't fob me off with sob stories partly) and he will have the kids to stay at some point so I wanted to see he could get a 2 bed if he got a mortgage and no equity. He can.
I'm not going over the 'full time job/dog is an excuse thing again'. I did that to death some pages back.

Ok sorry about that. By the way if you claim tax credits make sure his post does not go to your address as they will say he is still living with you. My friend had to pay back 7000.
Tell him to redirect all post or you will return to sender as no longer at this address.

herwegoagain123
Sorry if I was curt. I'm kinda pissed right now. Trouble is I can't vent to anyone other than here. I snapped at the dog earlier and DD wasn't sure why I was angry.
I hadn't thought of the post thing like that. I have to tell him to change his credit cards to his new address, he seems to have done everything else. Well, except his postal vote for voting, that arrived the other day. Might send it back - is that a good idea or just forward it and tell him to deal with it?

Eta: Well I sent STBXH a text just now. Telling him to change the cards to his new address or if they come here next month I'll send them back, as it serves no purpose for them to come here. I also mentioned I checked the joint statements going back to Oct. Very clever. Whether he understands that I don't know.

yep he replied with 'notice what?' as I'd also said I hadn't noticed. Short memory....

STBXH had the cheek to ask about unexplained transactions in the joint account these past 3 weeks. I suppose DD hasn't told him she has new shoes and the cash was only taken out yesterday for DS (new socks, eye test and his evening out).
I tacked onto my email explaining what the above 2 things were that if he could explain the unexplained ones from Oct-Jan I'd be very grateful.
No doubt he'll play stupid and/or bluff it.

I've decided STBXH is a plank.
He is taking DD at the end of April to see a singer in London. DD could only buy one ticket at the time so STBXH would have to keep himself busy. Ticket arrived the other day and it says 'U18's have to be accompanied by an adult'. I checked the actual venue website today and yes that's right. DD is 16.

So I emailed STBXH to tell him and if he could check and sort it out (i.e. buy a ticket if possible). He replied by text saying 'they were sold out but you check'. D*CK. She's your daughter and you're the one taking her!!

I managed to buy a ticket from the official venue and we have the email etc. Told STBXH. Didn't reply though. Paid from the joint account (which probably pissed him off).

Yes I could have left it but DD would be the one upset she couldn't get in not STBXH. She's more important than STBXH being a d*ck.

God!!! He is a total waste of space, isn't he!! If he dares to be pissed off about the ticket go nuclear on him!

Half inclined to do it myself I'm so furious about his selfishness!

My dad says he's treating them more like grandchildren than children. Seeing them when he wants occasionally etc..

Working tonight instead of last night. I do like the 8-12 evenings more but would have preferred to work last night if I'm honest. No biggie but I like routine!

Nothing else to report so far. STBXH hasn't replied about the ticket or the joint account transactions (any of them). Hmmmm.. silence speaks volumes I feel.

Yes, your dad is right - he thinks it's optional whether he sees them or not.

Your dad has the measure of him

Haha! He does yes! My dad does a lot of thinking and trying to come up with solutions bless him. None of which we can put into practice until we know whether they're a good idea, which we need to see the solicitor for. In a week or 2.

Pissed at everything right now.

Mainly DD and DS. Seems like they are 'entitled' to things rather than anything else. We went out for lunch, a nice restaurant, and DD has still come out of the kitchen just now mumbling we have no food to eat. Really?!! I just treated you to lunch and now you're pissed there's no food in the kitchen?? They don't really do anything around the house unless it benefits them. Forget cleaning their rooms or even keeping them tidy. Changing the sheets is a pain enough.

Neither have jobs or are even looking. DS knows he can't afford Uni next yr without having a job this summer. But has he actually gone out to enquire or even look?!?! NO! DD knows she needs a job and she herself said she would get one when she was 16 - still waiting!
I can't afford to keep filling the fridge - specially during the holidays - when they eat everything within the first couple of days. I'm dreading the summer holidays when they'll both be home and my food bill will rise.

Do either of the DC's know how much of a financial "mess" you are in with H?
If not they are adult enough to be told that it is expected that they find some employment because you can't afford to subsidise them. There is not an unlimited amount of money for food. When it is done it is done. Keep bread and jam in the cupboard and let them eat that, If they are hungry they will eat anything.

Oh they know yes. i'm probably just peed off right now. They don't know that STBXH is filing for divorce or his selling the house sooner rather than later idea....

DS doesn't expect food in the cupboards, and actually said earlier that on his budget there's never much in his cupboards. DD could have Tesco aisles in the kitchen and if she's not in the mood she wouldn't find anything to eat. (she did find soup when she came back down so had that). DS goes back to Uni accommodation on Monday and I even offered to buy next weeks shopping online and have it delivered when he gets back. DD said she would have jumped at that chance but DS turned me down flat (not really very nicely either considering I was offering to pay!). He has a 'way' about him, doesn't do it on purpose. But sometimes I can't help but take it to heart a little.

I just feel sometimes like a slave to them. They don't really offer to do things, they will if asked (with some grumbling occasionally) but it's not at the forefront, never has been. DD can be good but even then she's a teenager!

They both know they need jobs but actually getting them? This is an argument we've been having (with DS particularly) since HE was 16! He's an outgoing kid who could do quite well, but he won't look. DD knows she needs one but looking for one is another matter. She's not a confident kid in that sense (too much like me if you ask me).

I think I'm just in one of those moods. They're not bad kids by any means, just teenagers.
Plus I'm trying to keep things inside my head and not express my disdain for STBXH. Even though I really want to slate him in front of them.

Although he didn't impress DS earlier, STBXH text DS to let him know that sending pictures via text has an extra charge outside of the contract. No other comments, just that. Obviously the bill came in and STBXH noticed something. Although he's a fine one to talk after racking up over £17 extra on the Jan bill....... which I may have let slip to the kids.... DD did ask me what he spent it on, and I was honest, STBXH wouldn't tell me.

One rule for STBXH and one rule for everyone else it seems....

As suspected, STBXH opened a new bank account. Which, if I remember right, he did tell me he'd do in one of his emails. Really can't be arsed to read through to check (and get more depressed). Evenings are worse for this, as the kids are upstairs, tv's boring and I'm finding things to surf and check on the net.

Updated my tax credits online just now, changed my expected income for the next tax yr to reflect my expected salary. Not sure whether to ring them or not though, my income will obviously go up by more than the £2500 change for 2017-2018, but I've told them now online so will leave it until I hear more. I hate dealing with this stuff as I somehow always seem to get clobbered by a bill.

Now, my head has changed direction and I'm concerned STBXH will have a claim on any savings I have in my savings account. We split the joint savings and closed that account so this one is all in my name and only started after he left (but opened well before he left).

I have not even begun to read the whole thread so maybe other people have already said what this:

It is obvious from something in your thread that you are in a state of shock and also feeling diminished.

You have done far more in this marriage than you realise, but you seem to be taking the line you are to blame and must not ask for much. Its admirable that you recognised that it is not all your husband's fault but you have gone to far the other way.

You must not trust your own judgement in this vulnerable state of mind, but get yourself a good lawyer.

You have been working all these years as a key partner in your lives together and you must be allowed the assets you deserve from the partnership.

If it's 'hidden' how come we can still read and post?!

What's hidden?

Low day today - well lower than most these days.

Kids just got back after spending most of the day with STBXH and his parents. (well I say 'most' I mean about 5 hrs). STBXH parked on the drive and kids went out to him, same with the return, they just got out.
Given STBXH and I aren't even really on speaking terms how did 23 yrs (20 of marriage) end like this?? I really don't understand it. He's just different. Zoned out. with me anyway. Has no feelings on this whatsoever.

Not sure I can do this tbh. Why did I have kids with STBXH? He wasn't ready for them (as he told someone by email behind my back years ago) and this ties us forever. How can I get past this??
When they (normally DD but DS today as well) come back all I can think about how much fun they had and how STBXH is probably loving life. He'll know what I'm doing (through the kids) and I won't know what he's doing. Forever. I hate the thought of that. Can't get past it.