Husband has ended it.

[itsovernow1]

Hi
New user looking for advice.

Short story - We have been married 20 yrs, 2 kids 16 and 19. 16 yr old is at college and 19 yr old is away at Uni (1st yr). We have a 4 yr old dog.

Never been the best marriage, but I thought we were ticking away. Wrong! OH has apparently been thinking for some time he wants out and has made that decision. Btw it's probably a 50/50 'blame' for this. I'm not the easiest person to live with, as I have just been disagnosied with depression probably going back to PND with DS.

He emailed me (we do things that way, not healthy, I know) 4 weeks ago saying he wants out. I rang him to talk and he basically said he's had enough, he's detached and would rather live on his own. I said I think we can work through things and can talk it out. He said we need to talk and that was that. He picked our son up from the station on his way home as son was coming home for the weekend and nothing else was said. Even when we took the dog for a walk the next morning.

Then 2 weeks ago I received another email from OH saying the same as the first, wondering why I’d been acting normally (I thought he’d been thinking about things as I had mentioned on the phone but apparently not) but telling me he's been looking for places to stay near his work which is 45 miles away. It's just about doable re: money wise, as he spends a lot on petrol.

We have a mortgage of 82K (11 yrs to run), joint debts of 42k (credit cards only). The house is worth about 280,000 I think so plenty of equity there. But obviously taking into account the mortgage and debts that equity is cut in half.

The problem I foresee is my situation. I have had no job for pretty much all of our marriage. I worked until we had our first 19 yrs ago but it wasn't financially viable to carry on so I stopped. I had a 1 yr admin contract about 10 yrs ago at a kids nursery (it was closing down so lady who worked there wanted out for another job). But that's it. I don't have any career qualifications unfortunately.

I do want to work and know I have to but my confidence level is pretty much 0. I don't have any real skills to speak of and am terrified right now! Yes it's my fault I am in this situation but I am 'sh*ting' myself right now.

After 1 week of doing nothing but job searching I do have a part time (16 hrs) job starting on Tues in the evenings at local diy store. I could have done another (carers) job I had been offered but right now I don’t feel I could commit to something that needs so much emotional involvement and more hours for not much more money.

We made the work decision for myself together and OH hasn't pushed it (we both don't like confrontation). It worked for us. And as he left early and came back late workdays it meant I looked after everything here at home.

We have a dog which means working full time is out at the moment as we don't really have family close by or friends to let him out during the day. If I can move into a full time job with good wages I can obviously pay a dog walker (or come home to let him out)

OH says he wants to talk so we can make this transition as smooth as possible. So do I. I am not after fleecing him. I just want a roof over our heads and money to pay the bills. I know in time the house will have to be sold but right now it's worrying. I don't really want to end up renting. And even flats around our way are quite expensive.

OH has said that bringing things up about the separation is ‘tough’ as I’m not particularly receptive. Well go figure! I will talk about it but obviously I am angry/emotional whereas he’s way past that point.

What would people advise as the next steps to take? I don't even know where to start as my head is spinning. Right now I am concerned about my daughter (mainly, as son is the independent one) and the money. The kids are OK with it and they aren’t surprised! Strange response but makes me feel slightly better they’re handling it well.

At the moment things are amicable but OH wants to rent a room in a house (private) which is further away from work than first hoped and is more money. Once we know my wages we can obviously nail the finances but right now I’m still worried.
I’d love to keep the house and the mortgage payments are very reasonable as the rate is so low but I would never be able to get a mortgage to cover what we owe as my (soon to be wages) are so low plus the debts are taken into account. OH is on about 4 times my soon to be wage.

Thank you.

Get the friend out of your head. It's more likely the solicitor telling him what to go for.

There was just a case that got held at court of appeal - the one where the woman wanted to divorce her husband of like 40 years, but he contested the unreasonable behaviour grounds and 2 judges now have held that being "unhappy in a marriage" doesn't mean the other party has been unreasonable.

I would therefore contest his petition. From everything you've said, you haven't been unreasonable. All marriages have ups and downs, people have moods etc, none of this is unreasonable - - it's just life.

This will then give you time over the next few years.

But I honestly worry that you're going to let yourself be totally shafted. He will dominate the process, you will react emotionally (understandable, but not helpful) and he will walk away with a great life and you'll be left in the shit.

The fact you're unqualified, can only earn £15k... he might be ordered to pay you maintenance/cover the mortgage. Honestly if you fight this and get what's fair there is no reason your lifestyle should take a massive hammering. It would be fucking unjust for your lifestyle to go down the shitter, whilst his flies.

This is why getting a SHL on side is soooo important. And I would be funding the solicitor from the joint account. The time for your ideas of "right and wrong" is over now. You need, need, NEED to protect yourself.

He will shit on you from a great height.

What icy said . Your own ideas about " fair " have been warped by 20 years of living with him.

Why contest the divorce? It will just cause more stress. Just concentrate on getting the most you can out of the settlement. His employment history seems to be patchy so unless he's got a really good pension may be better to get a relatively large lump sum relative to any maintenance which he might not be able to pay in the future. Concentrate only on the financials.

I've decided I won't contest the divorce. Whatever he writes, whether right or wrong, will hurt so why bother making it worse and drawing it out? I am disappointed he didn't actually talk to me first though. Guess that's the way it's been going for a while so why change things?

I can't decide whether to actually email him or not. Should I just stay out of things or actually tell him how I feel? (pissed, disappointed .....).

The trouble is I am a fair person. He apparently is not. Can't tell whether this is the 'real' him or he's being influenced by others at work/friend/parents. All I want is the funds to buy a suitable place for me and the kids.

I'm angry he's making this difficult and this could cost me so much money in the long run. He no doubt thinks I won't contest anything as I don't have the cash whereas he does. He gets his bonus either the end of this month or next (usually £1k-£2k depending on what the boss says & tax). Plus a pay rise.
Apparently I get a 2% pay rise from April (I assume).

I will be telling OH to change all the credit cards in his name to his new address. I'm sick of the statements coming here. No need for that. If he doesn't pay them he'll affect his credit score just as well as mine. (his online Barclaycard already has a change of address).

I did check his credit report again this morning as had an email through and apparently it's awaiting another credit account to be added? Could of course be another bank account so I'll wait and see......

I hope I won't be totally shafted but some days I do feel like what's the point? Other days I feel I can take the fight on. Then I think of the money for the SHL and it's a downward spiral again. More bad days than good right now. I was doing better until he sent his email and since then it's not been good.

So he's transferred his money into the joint account. Not the £2300 but £2200. so he's adjusted it. He did say he'd keep a check on things and adjust it down if needed. So he has another £100 this month, what about next month??
I seriously hate him right now.

Don't contact him. It will achieve nothing. Contact a solicitor and fight for fairness. Not his idea of fair, a judge's idea of fair.

Does OH mean other half?

icy121 - yeah I have to admit that makes sense and I have refrained so far. Just wish I could tell him how angry and hurt I am by all this.

*MyheartbelongstoG8 - Yes it does, i should use STBXH but I never remember to - easiest to write OH.

Start using it op, it will help.

You must look after you and forget about what he wants!

True.

I checked his credit report earlier and the debts have gone up by about £300 - no doubt interest and his car insurance payment. He has always paid the minimum on cards and this has strung it out longer than it should. I did convince him to add about a fiver to each payment to make sure some go down. One card on 0% will finish it's deal and the payment we pay now won't cover the whole amount so it'll go to the full 19%. Again, something he didn't listen to me about......
Rather than sort out the payments and work it out so they go down he kept saying we couldn't afford to pay more. His budgeting left a lot to be desired.

I can't read all pages at present, though I will do later. I've just been told that my tenancy has ended after four years as house being sold. "You have been a wonderful tenant", bla de bla.

Try getting a nice property with a blind and deaf, quiet old dog. I see us sleeping in the car!

In to that calculator forget your current arrangement and just enter his income, yours, ages of children .
That is wikivorce, now .. other stuff.

You need to work backwards and start getting clever. When it comes to Court, they will ask him to find houses for you and you for him. Get ahead.

Look for a two bed flat or house for him,on rightmove.

The Court will expect that the DD can stay with him and you'd want that as well. So 2 bed.

Find out, which is easy, what deposit is needed and what the mortgage repayments are. It's all there on rightmove.

Then work backwards as to how much he needs from the marital home.

So if he's asking for 90k when he only needs 25k deposit and you're on minimum wage for a few hours a week when he's on 50k plus bonus he owes you some.

I so wish I could give you more time and I'll try to do so.

One thing I'd advise, is to take the house and any cash. See my figures above where I say he should take a small% Take any thing that is secure as he is flakey.
Keeping the house is what you want above anything else. Being as he flits from job to job and may at any time decide to go self employed, you've not said what he does but if he does go self employed, you're sunk.

In your position seeing as you want the family home above everything else for stability I'd say deposit for his 2 bed home plus half his pension plus maintenance for your daughter and indemnity to the debts.
Clean break for you but not from him. That means if he gets rich you can seek further funds. If you win the lottery he can go weep.
He's seeking a divorce. Don't be forced in to that as you need to get your finances in order first.

Most important is that you keep the timetable to what suits you. I was being pushed by my high powered solicitor. One case in, next out.
If you get a court date and your mind is a whirl, and six months ahead would be better, so tell them.

Whatever you do OP, don't be pushed. If you need time then take it.
Come back here too as we can save you money.

Just to say. Don't sweat for more work until gone to Court.

HeeHighls - Thank you for your input. Have to admit I read - and re-read - things but it never seems to stick in my head for very long. Too much whirling around.
Sorry about your tenancy - for you and your lovely dog - I really hope you find somewhere suitable for you both. I know you're probably a better judge of this than me, but maybe ask to meet the landlords/owners with your dog so they can how he/she (sorry you didn't specify!) acts and behaves. I think sometimes landlords see pets as a pest when all animals are different.

That is my concern when renting (with or without an animal), that the tenancy can be ended when the owner decides it's time.. I know if I go down the renting route I'll never get back on the property ladder. Not a problem in dreamland but reality is so different isn't it.

Re; the divorce. I won't be doing anything with it (when I receive the info from STBXH's SOL) until I speak to my solicitor. I don't want to rush it, and it's not about dragging it because I want to make him squirm or pay, but I am just coming to terms with things and every time he emails etc.. it's like 2 steps forward then 3 steps back. I need time. Same with anything, I am a time person. I don't like to be rushed as then I know I will makes mistakes.

I've already looked at places on rightmove (I seem to spend everyday on there!) for both him and me. Me = equals depressing. Him= not so depressing if he can get a £200k mortgage. I can't see him bothered whether a flat or house, as I said yesterday, gardening isn't his idea of fun. Just depends on where he wants to live tbh, how close to work.

My 12 week review (probation period) is coming up tomorrow and I have to fill in some paperwork but that seems to be a formality as my boss is happy, so it all looks good I have a permanent job now. The boss was commenting that our department is understaffed by 50 hrs per week (whereas the rest of the store departments are over staffed), he asked if anyone would go full time and I said yes I would. Think he was just testing the waters or joking but I put my hat in the ring if any more hours come up.

Looking at properties on rightmove for both of us depends on location. I know where I'd be prepared to look but I don't know how far from STBXH's owrk he'd be prepared to look. Further out he can get a small house but nearer he could only get a flat. I suppose it all boils down to how difficult he wants to be. There are flats pretty close to his work which would work.
The costs are the same really. Both around the £180k - £200k mark for 2 bed flats. Difference being he can get a mortgage on his wage and I can't. That's all it boils down to.

And my settlement of equity will be nowhere enough when you take into account the debts. That's the crux of the issue here, ignoring the mortgage to be paid off.
STBXH really didn't think this through to the end. He thinks a clean split after the debts works for everyone, whereas it only works for HIM. I'm thinking of myself yes, of course I am, but I'm also thinking of 2 extra people. He's thinking of #1. Whereas we should both be thinking of 3 people - him/DD/DS ... me/DD/DS.

sigh it's at times like this I wish I drank and smoked! But sadly I detest both. I may go and have a glass of Pepsi. (none of this diet crap!)

Am I being unreasonable here? Wanting time? Or should I just give in and do things his way to get them over with?

No! Take time, take lots and lots of time. Tell your solicitor you want to progress this as slowly as possible to give yourself maximum time. They'll have come across clients like that before.

Your husband sounds incredibly selfish.

The judge might give you all the equity and him all the debt to do a clean break, I don't see why not. He has the ability to earn 50k+, you have demonstrated that you don't! The fact you're thinking about your (albeit nearly grown up) children too will have to be a consideration.

Don't give him what he wants; he wants a great life and, brutally, doesn't give a fuck about you and yours. to cheer you up

You are not being unreasonable at all - he is being selfish. I would be tempted to lay it all out in front of him - ie the difference in the sort of future you might expect from what he might expect - as well as basically thinking his children should now move out (or as soon as your DD is 18) and be independent. However I think you are wise waiting until your solicitor has advised you - you can put all your concerns in front of her and she will word it better than any of us can.

However, I have to say that if he spoke to me about it, I wouldn't be able to stop myself calling him a selfish arse.

Don't give him long enough to loose this job too and for you to increase your earning potential.

Its difficult, but while this is going on, whats "fair" is fighting only your own side 100% because thats what he is doing.
You need to go for EVERYTHING you possibly can, literally everything, and you need to be sure that your solicitor is a rottweiler who will also be going for the maximum of everything you can get. This is because HIS solicitor will also be doing that, and the two sides need to both be at full force so that you end up roughly in the middle. Youre not taking advantage or being bitchy or spiteful, the courts wont give you anything they dont think you should have, but you need to be loudly asking for it so they hear you.

I know trying to be considerate and fair and just seems like the attractive and "nice" option here, but you will end up losing out on far more than you should actually come out of this with because his solicitor will see "nice" as "weak".

What Stormtreader said.

Well done as regards work, though. Think back occasionally and remind yourself how far you have come in the last few months! I know there is still a long way to go, but you CAN do it !

Just wanted opinions. I made the mistake of reading other sites with threads & similar situations.

I don't want to be nasty, selfish etc.. but I need to think about MY future as well as DD/DS. I mean, they hopefully will go on to future careers/marriage (kids if want, I'm not keen on being a granny tbh!) and it'll be just me. I don't want to be lounging in some grotty bedsit when I'm 60 all on my own. But they won't leave for a while and I won't push them. They need to be financially viable before that happens. Otherwise they'll just leave then come home again!

It's ironic really, I finally get a PT job I like & can contribute to the finances and he's buggered off.

I am refraining from contacting him to say what I really think about this situation, mainly as it could give him ammunition. Luckily when he comes here (well only twice so far...) DD has been around so I have to bite my tongue.

He's coming round next weekend as he's taking the kids (DS is home this Sat for a week) to see his parents. If he hasn't mentioned the bike between now and then I will make a point of asking him.
He bought the bloody bike to save petrol money as it was cheaper to run, but it's just sitting in the garage useless right now when he could be using it in this great weather. Makes me mad!

Do you have anyone in real life to talk to about this / who can hold your hand and keep you fighting? I'm concerned that without someone in real life boosting you up, he will walk all over you and shaft you.

Nice = weak, that's 100% right

Fuck the bike, what he's spending, how he's driving etc. Focus on yourself. As the pp said - go for the lot - all the equity, a life order maintenance, everything in the house, him to cover your mortgage payments... your starting point needs to be basically him spending 80%+ of his salary keeping you and living in a grotty bedsit himself. That won't be how it ends, but as @stormtreader said if this is your opening stance you'll end up in the middle. You want to paint yourself to the court as more than reasonable in so far as you've gone out and got a job (after decades of not working, and lacking qualifications!) so you demonstrate that you aren't expecting to be "kept" (this will go down well) but at the same time an earning capacity of 15k vs his 50+ means you need a LOT of top up for it to be equitable.

Well, it's Sunday. Limbo land continues. I am in a slump right now. I wasn't too bad yesterday as I had stuff to focus on but it came back last night when I started to look on Right Move again.... bad idea.

DS came home yesterday for just over a week. He seems in good spirits. He and DD have been chatting a lot and generally messing around. Forgot how noisy it can be! Think DD is happy he's here for a bit. Must get boring with just me now.

Trouble is, last time DS was here so was STBXH. Now one is missing. It's ... strange. And when I hear DS and DD talking (loudly) I just think STBXH is missing this. I know that they'll both go and stay with him again at some point in the future, but for now he's missing it all. It's a weird feeling.

Not to mention I'm awaiting the contact from STBXH's SOL. No idea what to expect there.

icy121 Stormtreader Naicehamshop
Yep, I agree I need to look out for us 100% as this is what STBXH is doing for himself (he's certainly not thinking of DS or DD that's for sure). My family are great and will help me fight for this. They all have their own lives and problems to deal with, can't' keep emailing/texting my woes. Specially as they don't change much, depressing actually.
I'm not bothered about fighting exactly, just the cost of this. OH can do more OT to cover his (plus his bonus will help) but I haven't got that luxury. I get the feeling that's his plan.... hope I'm wrong as I didn't think he's be that underhand.

If I could earn £20k plus I would. As it stands that won't happen. I'm just pissed that STBXH hasn't figured how much selling the house costs. It would cutting off your nose to spite your face IMO. It would cost to much against what we have to lose. If we could pay off the debts in one quick action I think STBXH would be pliable with regards to the house. That's his main concern.....

Ok, off to make lasagne for lunch. DS isn't sure if he's going out tonight with 2 old school friends, mainly as he said he couldn't afford it. He's on a strict budget. I've said I will pay (not expensive) and pick them up afterwards if he decides to go (well, I'll pay from the joint acct actually, STBXH can't begrudge that surely?)

Doesn't matter if he does, considering he took money from the joint account to buy dd a coffee the other day! (I think I have that right?)

Keep angry. You are not moving out of the house until it's the right time for you and your children. Fight him!