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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help I've gone crazy & sent too many texts...

284 replies

MemorySoup · 29/12/2016 11:55

And am now wanting to 'amend' the situation by sending more texts. I am sitting on my hands and am determined not to but - aargh - why have I become this needy wreck?

Am seeing someone but v early days. He keeps saying he likes me but messages are getting briefer and less frequent. I think this is because I am appearing needy. And the sad thing is I probably am .. I am aware of this and trying to change, but it's really hard when you have such fragile self esteem.

I sent a few messages last night saying I was disappointed not to have heard from him after seeing him earlier.

I had mentioned the other day that it really cheered me up getting messages (sad I know) and he said he wanted to make me happy and was looking forward to getting to know me, I was nice, liked spending time with me etc etc.

In the cold light of day me texting last night was all wrong, so wrong. I have predictably heard nothing since 10pm last night when I apologised and said I was just feeling a bit down.

Please come and tell me what to do (or not to do) now and how not to be such a total abject failure when it comes to dating & self esteem. I feel like such an idiot.

OP posts:
Bant · 02/01/2017 15:39

Memory - look, you've found out fairly early on that this man isn't right for you. You didn't pick up on his noncommittal signals, but that happens to lots of people.

I think you came across as a bit needy, and he obviously didn't want to tell you to go away as, as someone said, people don't like to be cruel and they avoid confrontation.

You read something into the relationship that wasn't there, and now you're seeing people's perception of you here in a way that isn't intended.

He was possibly bored, but I think he'd probably decide you were too demanding to get into a relationship with, as your actions implied.

So. Take a break from dating. Learn to not over invest. We all do it, we all make the same mistakes.

Delete his number, seriously. You don't even really know the guy.

And stop taking offence at the advice given on here. Everyone is saying the same thing and you don't want to hear it. Sometimes there is no explanation why someone isn't really into you, this is one of those times.

Original poster
MemorySoup · 02/01/2017 15:39

Magame, I am finding it helpful to analyse on MN though. If you're fed up with me please ignore this thread and thank you for the advice given.

OP posts:
Original poster
MemorySoup · 02/01/2017 15:42

Bant, I'm not taking offence. I just feel really really shitty about myself - I can't help that.

OP posts:
MsGameandWatch · 02/01/2017 15:42

Well seeing as you're ignoring every bit of advice you're given and asking people who say what you don't like to stop communicating with you it's all a bit pointless isn't it?

Original poster
MemorySoup · 02/01/2017 15:44

Msgame, I think that's very unfair. I have taken on board all the advice on here. I'm still entitled to express my thoughts and ask questions aren't I?

OP posts:
DanniiMinogue · 02/01/2017 15:44

This is a complete car crash. You've not taken on board the advice given. It would probably be more helpful if you left the thread - clearly it isn't helping you in a positive way

Original poster
MemorySoup · 02/01/2017 15:46

And I didn't ask you to stop- I said ignore be if you're losing patience with me which is what every other bugger does anyway so I'm sure you don't need my invitation.

I'm sorry I don't mean to cause anyone any offence and thank you for advice. I am just feeling really really bad place and v low and feel utterly worthless and not very stable mentally.

OP posts:
Goingtobeawesome · 02/01/2017 15:46

There shouldn't be all this angst when it is right with a potential boyfriend. My ex once told me, pay attention to what I do, not what I say. Something to think about?

Original poster
MemorySoup · 02/01/2017 15:47

Dannii- are you actually inviting me to go and kill myself? I've thought about believe me.

OP posts:
Bant · 02/01/2017 15:51

No, memory she didn't suggest that. She said if you're not taking advice given on the thread then what's the point continuing to post on it?

(Danni, it's her thread. Where do you get off telling her to leave it?)

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 02/01/2017 15:51

Memory, this was one of your posts that makes your last one at odds:

=========================
we messaged back & forth for about 9 or 10 messages I guess, he kind of just shut the 'conversation' down with last message being 'OK'. I then sent an apology as felt I'd been too 'intense'.

So you DO recognise the 'natural stop' because this was it. You just kept on going.

It's probably all in my head but I hate this feeling of not being sure if I've upset someone and wanting to make it better, while simultaneously knowing that the worst thing I can do (to make it better) is contact again!

You need to recognise the truth of what you're actually saying which is that what you're saying here is that YOU'RE the one who is upset because of him and you want HIM to make it better. It's really not about you making other people feel better because nobody would have been upset or offended at that point.

======================

From re-reading your thread, you're a people-pleaser. You've been telling posters on the thread that you're not going to contact him, going to move on, going to delete his number/or sit on your hands as you need it for a satnav... basically anything that you think they want to hear.

You don't need to do that. You're an adult woman and people can give you better advice if you're upfront with what you will and won't do, rather than just saying yes, yes - and doing what you want anyway.

You have valid opinions, everybody else does and so do YOU.

JennyHolzersGhost · 02/01/2017 15:51

Can I put a different perspective across about this situation OP? I think you're catastrophising.
From this guy's perspective it's perfectly possible that he thinks you're enjoying seeing each other on a fairly casual basis, he keeps in touch for a chat now and then, he knows that what with Christmas and then both of you going away there's not much point fixing anything up for a while but that doesn't mean he's not interested in the longer term.
It's the time of year when a lot of fledgling relationships go onto the back burner because people's normal routines are thrown out of whack.

The decisions you have to make are:

  1. are you comfortable with having that kind of casual ticking-over relationship? Or are you looking for more attention than that? It sounds like the latter and that's fine but in that case I think you need to leave him to it;
  2. what's your strategy if you don't feel like you're getting what you want out of a relationship? Some people are comfortable with doing The Rules, others prefer honesty, and a third group of people prefer just to walk away and ghost it. None of these are objectively preferable (well most people on the receiving end would agree ghosting is discourteous I guess), it's about what's right for you.

We can only advise you how to play things if we know where you stand on those two things. It sounds to me as though you're looking for something more committed than you're getting from him, and that you're a fundamentally upfront person who's not good with game playing. If I'm right on those two points your choice is either to message and say 'this isn't working for me, I've enjoyed our time together but think it's best we don't see each other again' OR just write him off without telling him and decline any further dates if offered.
For dignity's sake I'd choose the latter but some people prefer their closure nice and clean and upfront - you may too. It's personal preference.
But either way, stop catastrophising !!! Grin

DanniiMinogue · 02/01/2017 15:52

Dannii- are you actually inviting me to go and kill myself? I've thought about believe me

Honestly? You honestly think that's what I said? Wow.

For your own sanity leave the thread, stop posting, get some real life help. The Samaritans are there 24 hours a day.
116 123 (UK)
116 123 (ROI)
[email protected]

DanniiMinogue · 02/01/2017 15:53

Thank you Bant, I can say what I please.

Original poster
MemorySoup · 02/01/2017 15:54

I can say what I please too Dannii. If I want to ask for help on MN that's my prerogative isn't it?

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 02/01/2017 15:55

msgame's post was really insightful, Memory. No, don't leave the thread, it's your thread. Posters are trying to help you, even if it's hard to read the posts.

Dannii's post should just be ignored as the goady rubbish it is but she wasn't suggesting anything of the sort that you kill yourself. If you're thinking is along those lines then you're very unwell indeed and need professional help.

DanniiMinogue · 02/01/2017 15:55

O.M.G

Original poster
MemorySoup · 02/01/2017 15:56

Lying witch, yes you're probably right. I have no idea who I am and seek validation from men, strangers in the Internet - whoever.

When I posted that I wasn't going to text him however- I did mean it, i just changed my mind.

OP posts:
Iusedtobedontcall · 02/01/2017 15:57

Memory. Stop thinking about him. Make yourself the centre of your universe. Do not engage with negative thoughts. Stop analysing what he thinks or does not think. If a thought pops into your head, acknowledge it and move on. You are getting some negative responses because people don't always fully understand how this type of early trauma can programme your brain. Cognitively you know not to text. Emotionally you are acting impulsively. Then blaming yourself because you have acted rashly. It is possible to retrain your brain and to stop engaging with negative thoughts. This is not about HIM but YOU

Original poster
MemorySoup · 02/01/2017 15:59

Iused, Thank you. I had a look for your trauma thread but couldn't find it, what's the thread title?

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 02/01/2017 16:00

Dannii, well your first post wasn't helpful, was it? And you're still telling OP to leave in your subsequent post. It is HER thread and she has every right to be on it.

Iusedtobedontcall · 02/01/2017 16:01

Relationships:
How can I heal childhood trauma?1

Iusedtobedontcall · 02/01/2017 16:01

Sorry tried to link

Bant · 02/01/2017 16:04

So stop yourself from changing your mind. Delete his number.

You don't love this man, you barely have a relationship with him. Continuing to chase him is only damaging you.

Lying and IUsed have it right, I think.

Look, you're attractive enough that he wanted to meet you. A person can click with someone via text messages, but in person not click. I've been there, done that. It's no ones fault, it's just life.

How you decide to move on, that's up to you.