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Original poster

Help I've gone crazy & sent too many texts...

284 replies

MemorySoup · 29/12/2016 11:55

And am now wanting to 'amend' the situation by sending more texts. I am sitting on my hands and am determined not to but - aargh - why have I become this needy wreck?

Am seeing someone but v early days. He keeps saying he likes me but messages are getting briefer and less frequent. I think this is because I am appearing needy. And the sad thing is I probably am .. I am aware of this and trying to change, but it's really hard when you have such fragile self esteem.

I sent a few messages last night saying I was disappointed not to have heard from him after seeing him earlier.

I had mentioned the other day that it really cheered me up getting messages (sad I know) and he said he wanted to make me happy and was looking forward to getting to know me, I was nice, liked spending time with me etc etc.

In the cold light of day me texting last night was all wrong, so wrong. I have predictably heard nothing since 10pm last night when I apologised and said I was just feeling a bit down.

Please come and tell me what to do (or not to do) now and how not to be such a total abject failure when it comes to dating & self esteem. I feel like such an idiot.

OP posts:
birdybirdywoofwoof · 30/12/2016 10:29

If he gets in touch- casual, casual, casual - is the only response.

Hope you have a fab holiday!

loobyloo1234 · 30/12/2016 10:49

I don't think it's about the double text Memory Its the fact you told him you were disappointed he hadn't text you etc

I hope he texts, but definitely play it more casual ... have a fab holiday Smile

JerryFerry · 31/12/2016 10:52

Damn I was hoping you'd have heard from him 😔

angieneri · 31/12/2016 11:02

Any news OP?

pumpkinmoon1 · 31/12/2016 12:51

I can relate to a lot of what you are saying here with anxiety in relationships.

I am not sure if you have heard from him yet or not. I think you have done well to leave it be for now. I'm in the don't text him camp but I think as a previous poster said, if you're going to agonise over this during your holiday and will be wondering if you're going to hear from him or see him again, then just send a text asking if he wants to meet up when you return from holiday. If you get no response or a negative reply, then you have your answer. It might make you feel shitty initially, but that will be better that potentially ruining your holiday which you have obviously worked hard to pay for wondering what is going on.

pumpkinmoon1 · 31/12/2016 12:51

I can relate to a lot of what you are saying here with anxiety in relationships.

I am not sure if you have heard from him yet or not. I think you have done well to leave it be for now. I'm in the don't text him camp but I think as a previous poster said, if you're going to agonise over this during your holiday and will be wondering if you're going to hear from him or see him again, then just send a text asking if he wants to meet up when you return from holiday. If you get no response or a negative reply, then you have your answer. It might make you feel shitty initially, but that will be better that potentially ruining your holiday which you have obviously worked hard to pay for wondering what is going on.

birdybirdywoofwoof · 31/12/2016 13:23

Nooo, still don't text. If he wants to meet up then I'm sure he is perfectly capable of arranging that himself, don't you think?

I hope you've been having fun/keeping occupied, op.

SpookyPotato · 31/12/2016 13:55

Well done on resisting OP! I agree with some previous posters that I used to feel a bit needy with guys but never showed it to them, I was confident.. but I was always waiting for my phone to buzz. Then I met DP and all that went away... not one needy feeling and it's stayed like that for 10 years.

Original poster
MemorySoup · 02/01/2017 14:20

I'm sorry all- I caved and texted on Friday. Got a reply fairly quickly and texted back and forth a few times. The last text i sent asked if he swam. No answer. Still no answer 3 days later... Not even a happy new year. I am pretty pissed off.

OP posts:
angieneri · 02/01/2017 14:24

OP I am sorry to hear.

Personally I would take it as a further confirmation that it is best to move on. I am sorry and I know it is not easy at all, but please do not waste any more time on this guy.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 02/01/2017 14:29

Well, you've snatched defeat from the jaws of victory there, Memory, you had a chance to stop over-texting and you've done it again.

You don't have to reply to every single text. Somewhere in his texts back and forth to you was a natural 'stop'. You missed it. He now realises that if he replies to your texts you will keep going without cessation. I would hate it and it would put me off texting you - and possibly put me off you in general as your texting is coming across as very needy.

I don't know what you want from this now, in your position, I would probably just leave it now. I suspect you won't though, you'll keep on until he ends it.

I'm sorry to be so blunt with you but you acknowledged your over-texting in your first post and you haven't taken a thing on board that posters have told you. I think you can kiss this one goodbye.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 02/01/2017 14:44

I am sorry, that was harsher than I intended.

You're not on the same page as he is, Memory, you need different things and he's not giving you this. It's such an early relationship and there's so much angst for you already. I would end it, if I were you. I know you like him but there's no balance in your relationship and so no happy future that I can see for you. Just more of this if you continue it.

You'll regain some self-esteem and self-respect if you can bring yourself to end it yourself. There's no way that this isn't going to end so bite the bullet and do it yourself. That's what I'd advise a friend.

Original poster
MemorySoup · 02/01/2017 14:48

Lying witch-- Wye your first post- you sure know how to kick someone when they are down.

I suppose I should thank you for your honesty.

I just wish I knew when to recognise the natural 'stop' point Sad

OP posts:
tessiebear4 · 02/01/2017 14:57

Just read the full thread.
Poor guy! I agree with those who said he's done nothing wrong. Nobody likes being bombarded with texts, it's actually stressful.
OP - its really obvious where the natural end of an exchange is. Generally it's if you don't get a question, or something that actively invited a response.
For your own sake, and with kindness, accept that he is just not that into you, and move on without self-pity.

HoHumming · 02/01/2017 14:58

I've been where you are OP though probably sent twice as many texts.

I probably continued texting even afterwards often sending childish texts such as 'I guess that is it then' when I hadn't heard back from him. It was as if I wanted him to respond but if he wasn't going to then I wanted to bolt the stable door as soon as possible after him. Of course I didn't really want to bolt the stable door, I didn't want himto leave the stable at all. I did this with about three guys in a row!

Years later and now very settled with somebody else and I still cringe when I think back. I was terribly insecure and had serious attachment issues.

My advice is do not contact him ever again,no apologies, no bright and breezy texts, no drunk (or pretending to be drunk) texts, no 'I left cuz at yours', no 'I think you might like this artist/gig coming up' etc. Do nothing!!!!!

Original poster
MemorySoup · 02/01/2017 15:02

I haven't bombarded him with texts. Every message I sent gets a reply, except the last one.

OP posts:
Original poster
MemorySoup · 02/01/2017 15:03

He always responds when / If I send a message. If he wasn't interested he would surely not reply??

OP posts:
Original poster
MemorySoup · 02/01/2017 15:04

Hohumming - what are attachment issues?

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 02/01/2017 15:05

I know, Memory and I'm sorry about that. I was so frustrated for you - and with you - even though it's none of my business, I know.

I think, if you don't know where the natural 'stop point' is with texting then let other people lead with it. If they're not asking a question or you don't have something that you really need to reply with, then just don't. That would be my advice. Texting is really hard, you can't see faces and hear tone.

What DO you know about this man? He seems a bit hot and cold to me, treats this relationship very casually and he doesn't seem responsive to the fact that you've told him what you need. I winced for you when you said that you'd had a discussion about this with him already and I sense that this is what has put you on the back foot. You've laid yourself open and bare to somebody who hasn't demonstrated any sort of worthiness for that kind of honesty and openness.

If you try to carry on with this relationship you would need to take such a giant step backwards to regain some balance, ie. actively not texting, being so available, no more sex until you know each other better, etc.

The sad thing is, Memory, and I know this will hurt you more but you already now this... IF he were truly, truly into you, he'd be walking on air, making every excuse to see you and - if he couldn't - he'd be ringing you and texting you as often as he possibly could. He's not doing any of that.

This isn't your fault but your actions precipitated hurt feelings for you. You're so invested in this man and he's not worth it. Even a man who could be totally right for you (and I don't think this one is) still has to learn about you, find out what a marvellous woman you are and build a bond with you. It's not sensible to try to rush that because it has to appear in its own time.

You do sound nice, very loving and giving - but way, way too open, too soon. That's your only mistake that I can see. Don't give people your heart before they've shown that they're not going to bounce it around. Thanks

tessiebear4 · 02/01/2017 15:11

Echo what Lying Witch said - if he liked you properly, he'd be falling over himself to see you or at least to hear from you.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 02/01/2017 15:12

I also meant to say that, even with a man who IS the right one for you, it's still possible to put them off you if you don't hold back a little bit. It's not a bad thing to have a bit of mystery about you, to be genuinely unavailable sometimes so that they know that you are a person who has a full life without them and that they would be fortunate indeed to be part of that life - and have to work for it.

There will be somebody for you but, just in case they would be Mr Right, please do work on the texting thing. Neediness is really unattractive and will put most men off. The only ones that it would not deter are the ones that you (and everybody else) would want to run a mile from.

Original poster
MemorySoup · 02/01/2017 15:14

Tessiebear- he is currently on a plane and won't be back for a week as has gone away with his mates.

OP posts:
tessiebear4 · 02/01/2017 15:15

YY - I've been on the receiving end of text neediness before and it's awful! Can start off quite liking someone and then just feeling pursued and turned off within minutes!

Original poster
MemorySoup · 02/01/2017 15:17

I thought I'd been quite good this time around actually at controlling my "neediness" - by not double texting etc. I just wanted to be honest about what I wanted. I find it a difficult line to tread between neediness & honesty.

OP posts:
Original poster
MemorySoup · 02/01/2017 15:18

Tessie, what do you count as 'text neediness'?

OP posts: