Help I've gone crazy & sent too many texts...

[MemorySoup]

And am now wanting to 'amend' the situation by sending more texts. I am sitting on my hands and am determined not to but - aargh - why have I become this needy wreck?

Am seeing someone but v early days. He keeps saying he likes me but messages are getting briefer and less frequent. I think this is because I am appearing needy. And the sad thing is I probably am .. I am aware of this and trying to change, but it's really hard when you have such fragile self esteem.

I sent a few messages last night saying I was disappointed not to have heard from him after seeing him earlier.

I had mentioned the other day that it really cheered me up getting messages (sad I know) and he said he wanted to make me happy and was looking forward to getting to know me, I was nice, liked spending time with me etc etc.

In the cold light of day me texting last night was all wrong, so wrong. I have predictably heard nothing since 10pm last night when I apologised and said I was just feeling a bit down.

Please come and tell me what to do (or not to do) now and how not to be such a total abject failure when it comes to dating & self esteem. I feel like such an idiot.

Memory, this is the best advice I can give you right now, its what I do myself.

When I'm in a frazzle about something, I just stop. Phones down, computer on standby, tv off, all noise that disturbs me, off. Sometimes I just need a bit of silence to think. We're in a fast moving world now and technology might be great for business but it does nothing for our internal dialogue and, when it's cluttered with unwanted thoughts and seemingly insurmountable problems, we just need some SILENCE. This situation is not good for you.

You said in an earlier post that you go running. That would be a great exercise for you, to clear your head and get your endorphins going.

With regard to this man, he may or may not contact you again. He's on holiday now. Anyway, he just doesn't matter - nothing is going to change in the way that he treats you. Nothing. That isn't and mustn't be good enough for you.

Maybe, if you can have some peace, do some running or whatever and shift the focus to you, you'll have enough composure to just delete him and block his number. That way you won't have to worry about texting him.

You don't need a man to validate you but, if you feel that you do, give yourself a fighting chance and get your self-esteem to a decent level so that any players/no-hopers/stringers along will be weeded out immediately.

The thing is, when you are that low, you have to force yourself consciously to do things that you know are healthy. Today I bought myself some fresh coffee because I like it. I got a colouring book and coloured in. I have johnsons bubble bath for tonight to relax in. Any exercise you can do, as lying says, is excellent. Even a walk. Go somewhere scenic. Breathe. In for three, out for three. It will slow your heart rate. I can't even recognise the person in my thread from just a few days ago because I've started putting me first. Change is possible. When you have an unstable sense of self, you put all of your emphasis on someone else's opinion of you and so a perceived rejection is very painful. Think about what you like and consciously incorporate positives into your life.
Post on mn as much as you like! But can I suggest you make the conversation about YOU!

Bant, lying and witch. Thank you. I haven't eaten all day so don't feel up to a run today. I might go out and get a mindfulness colouring book. I am worried about my mental state.

I can't delete him. I did that once years ago and was so distraught that I'd done something I didn't really want to do (but others told me to) that I self harmed. I really don't want to start self harming again. The oh so ironic thing is that last time I was in US thus happened, and I am going there again in a few days. So many unhappy memories.

Iused - Sorry I meant to thank you too in my last post.

Great post, Iusedtobe. I have a special candle that I light and look into the flames whilst I let my mind clear. I go for walks too, just me, in the fresh air, it always makes me feel better than I did.

I find your 'Change is possible* statement so comforting because sometimes, when there's a maelstrom going on in your thoughts, you think it will never end. And it can.

Ok Memory, you can't delete him but you can take his number off your phone once you've written it down (as suggested upthread) and put that number out of your reach, where to get it, you have to consciously decide that you will. That will give you peace that you could if you wanted to but will protect you from mindless texting.

Go and make yourself an omelette and start thinking of how your trip will be different this time around. It would be a shame to waste such a holiday on previous bad experiences when it can and probably will be wonderful. Where is your excitement? Come on... plan your trip!

Thank you lying witch. Have written the number down but don't want to unfriend him on FB- as that will seem quite aggressive? What do you think?

Memory. Don't worry about how it appears to him. What would you like to do? Do that.

What I would do is just quietly un-follow him. He won't know about it but it will protect you from seeing him and his activities and causing you a jolt. You know that you can quietly start following him again if you need to so this shouldn't cause you any ripples.

That's what I would do.

I don't want to unfriend him. Thanks I never thought of it that way around!
Just worried that people in here will be cross & accuse me if not taking advice as I expect that's what donf people think I should do.

Thank you you've been v kind to a very sad and confused woman

It doesn't matter what people think. You have to start putting yourself first

I would though, give myself a deadline for when I want to take him off. I wouldn't make it too far into the future but it would probably be when I got back from holiday, sometime that week.

I'm posting about what I would do if I were you; I'm a very decisive person by nature and would have deleted and blocked him by now, no fanfare, just quietly deleted and blocked from all social media and my phone.

The reason why I think you ultimately should do this is because there is a point at which he probably will delete and block you... and I don't want you to be floored by it because he won't give it a thought. If you can bring yourself to do it yourself, you can escape that jolt.

Thanks both. I can't help thinking back to one of the last texts he sent which said 'I'm not going to hurt you xx' !

Listen to Iusedtobe and start putting yourself first. It really doesn't matter what people think.

If you post here - and you should keep posting on your thread - be honest about what the issues really are so that posters can give you erudite advice based on their own experiences, not waste time getting impatient with you because we've given advice that isn't right for you because it's focused on the wrong aspect.

And, if posters are rude to you (ie. me, for example), feel free to pull them up on it! :)

I'm too scared to pull anyone up on anything otherwise there will be no posters left!

I have tried to be honest, honestly. I am just quite muddled and indecisive.

Memory but those are just words. He can't know that his words or actions will or won't hurt you at the time. You barely know each other.

Since that text, there have been others, and whilst you're extremely reliant on the written word for reassurance (I think), he is not. It's possible - when words and phrases aren't necessarily heartfelt - to say things because 'it's the done thing' or it seemed right 'in the moment'.

Think how many marriages fall by the wayside when those same two people have loved each other more than anybody else at one point in time.

The important thing is to start working on your own needs and self-improvements so that you'll be happy. Other people matter, yes, but not more than you do. You must put yourself first and fix yourself first; that is an absolute priority.

I think seek down I'm terrified of being abandoned and rejected. But then who isn't?!
Kudos to all those posters on here who could just 'move on'. I'd love to be in a place where I could do that but feel too scared and alone.

You won't frighten posters away; we all like the sound of our own typing far too much!

What I mean by 'honest' is just to focus on the thing that's jabbing you the most, the hardest, the sharpest - and post about it. You're anonymous here, don't disclose names or anything else that can identify you, but other than that, post your thoughts and concerns openly.

Nah, there are some people that will post angry stuff, because they can't see things from your perspective. But there are many who can, and are trying to give you the benefit of their experience but in a reasonable way.

Ignore the former, listen to the latter, because that's what you need right now.

One important thing to think about is that it doesn't matter what he thinks of you. He has failed to be what you need. He may be a lovely bloke, but this is not about him, it's about you getting to the point where you're not feeling fragile, taking those small steps to move on and get your head into the right place.

And like lyingwitch and iusedto say, if something feels like too much, too soon, then say so. People will understand.

And if they don't, then fuck 'em

Oh dear .....I really don't think you sound ready for a relationship. You need to work on your self esteem, decide what u want and then go for it - without apology. Don't actually even like this guy as just sounds like a load of angst at the moment

I've just read all the posts Memory and the thing that jumps out so clearly is that you need to sort your head out before you contemplate dating anyone. You jump straight to the conclusion that you aren't good enough and even thought a PP was telling you to kill yourself , even though it was very clear that's not what they said.

You have repeatedly said you are worried about your mental health which is a good thing if you recognise this. Maybe seek some therapy , get yourself in a good place , dating is meant to be fun and it will be for you when you've got your priorities and boundaries firmly in place .

Yes you CAN delete him.
You are choosing not to. Consciously choosing not to.

This guy is not 'the one' for you. Heal yourself. Stop dating for a while. Go on holiday with your friends but DELETE him.

lello, thank you for posting but u am not going to delete him. If I do that I am likely to self harm and don't want to ruin yet another holiday that way. But thank you I'm sure you mean well.

Your happiness is a precious thing and to hand that responsibility to someone that you hardly know is asking for trouble. It's also too big a burden for another person to carry.