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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Help I've gone crazy & sent too many texts...

284 replies

MemorySoup · 29/12/2016 11:55

And am now wanting to 'amend' the situation by sending more texts. I am sitting on my hands and am determined not to but - aargh - why have I become this needy wreck?

Am seeing someone but v early days. He keeps saying he likes me but messages are getting briefer and less frequent. I think this is because I am appearing needy. And the sad thing is I probably am .. I am aware of this and trying to change, but it's really hard when you have such fragile self esteem.

I sent a few messages last night saying I was disappointed not to have heard from him after seeing him earlier.

I had mentioned the other day that it really cheered me up getting messages (sad I know) and he said he wanted to make me happy and was looking forward to getting to know me, I was nice, liked spending time with me etc etc.

In the cold light of day me texting last night was all wrong, so wrong. I have predictably heard nothing since 10pm last night when I apologised and said I was just feeling a bit down.

Please come and tell me what to do (or not to do) now and how not to be such a total abject failure when it comes to dating & self esteem. I feel like such an idiot.

OP posts:

Bant · 02/01/2017 15:18

Especially if they tell you they're disappointed at your lack of response. Who the hell wants to be talked to like that?

Sorry OP, he's obviously not right for you. And it sounds like he's just not trying to be explicit in saying so, in the hopes you'll get the message.

Delete his number. If he wants to get in touch, he will. In the meantime, get on with other stuff and move on

tessiebear4 · 02/01/2017 15:19

It's too early though!! Nobody can give you guarantees of a serous relationship within a few weeks. And you don't get past a few weeks with anyone if you try to make them.
The early days of a relationship are about having fun and getting to know each other, not drawing up contracts!

Original poster

MemorySoup · 02/01/2017 15:20

Bant, why did he reply to my messages at all then?

OP posts:

tessiebear4 · 02/01/2017 15:23

It's a long time since I was in the dating game, but this sort of thing used to drive me mad:

texting when I was obviously giving closed answers because I was busy/wanted some space etc
chasing up if no reply within minutes "are you ok? Did you get my text?"
emotional demands!! E.g. "I'm worried you are just looking for a bit of fun, whereas I'm serious about this" after about 3 dates!

MsGameandWatch · 02/01/2017 15:26

He was probably a bit bored.

I think you've had a ton of lovely support on here but honestly I am cringing for you. STOP just STOP. If someone send me a message telling me they were disappointed in me I would run a mile, stop, get my breath back and then run another mile. It would put me off them completely. I can't actually believe you've been encouraged by a few to continue messaging him. There's nothing here. He probably rolls his eyes every time your name pops up on his phone, hopefully he's a kind man and won't have changed your name in his phone to "Crazy Texting Woman" by this time.

I think your current behaviour and attitude would put even Mr Right of Right Street, City of Right, RI GHT, Rightland, Planet Right off.

Original poster

MemorySoup · 02/01/2017 15:26

Tessie, I don't believe I've done 1 unless I have a v odd view of a closed text; I have never done 2. Re 3, I just said (or words to that effect) was disappointed he hadn't been in touch after we'd met and had sex.

OP posts:

tessiebear4 · 02/01/2017 15:27

MsGame nails it

Original poster

MemorySoup · 02/01/2017 15:28

MsGame, I have stopped. I am trying to use MN for support. Do you mean stop MNing?

OP posts:

Original poster

MemorySoup · 02/01/2017 15:29

I am quite worried about my mental state at the moment.

OP posts:

tessiebear4 · 02/01/2017 15:30

Sorry for rather flippant last post, but this is seriously all so obvious to everyone else on this thread.
Look, the gentlemanly thing to do would be to tell you he's not interested. But he probably won't do that, because most people avoid confrontation. So it's up to you to save your dignity and behave differently next time.

Iusedtobedontcall · 02/01/2017 15:30

MsGame I loved that. I identify with the needy behaviour outlined here and it's because I've been looking to relationships to fill a void within myself. I have no doubt that Mr Right would be put off by it. Made me giggle so thank you.
OP I hope you are not too disheartened. It isn't about you, the needy feelings show that you need to take a step back and put yourself first.

HoHumming · 02/01/2017 15:31

Memory, you really need to try to stop looking for reasons why he initially responded. Perhaps he was being polite as you had met up earlier in the day, perhaps he was bored and taking a break from packing, perhaps he was keeping his options open.

He has gone on a holiday with friends. He might or might not have sex on holidays. I honestly am not trying to be brutal posting all this and I have been where you are. I just wish somebody had been very honest with me as it would have saved so much heartbreak.

Original poster

MemorySoup · 02/01/2017 15:32

And saying he was bored, that makes me feel SO much better
You clearly all think the same way about me as he does. I feel shitty, absolutely shitty.

OP posts:

tessiebear4 · 02/01/2017 15:33

We are strangers on the internet, how can whatever we do or don't think have any validity? Value yourself as a worthwhile person. Honestly, I'd forget all about men for a bit.

Original poster

MemorySoup · 02/01/2017 15:34

Disheartened doesn't come near it. This always happens to me. I am such a failure.

OP posts:

Iusedtobedontcall · 02/01/2017 15:34

My friend told me that when I date, I should be quite open with the men I meet that I want to get to know someone first. I intend to keep sex off the menu for three months. That way you can be more sure.
Many people with rejection and abandonment issues try to fill the void externally. You are doomed to failure if you do that, as it will come out as neediness, however much you try to hide it.
It's not a matter of texting or not texting. It's the fact that you are looking for a man to validate you. You need to give that to yourself

Original poster

MemorySoup · 02/01/2017 15:35

I don't value myself. I hate myself

OP posts:

Iusedtobedontcall · 02/01/2017 15:35

Memory if you read my thread in relationships about childhood trauma, you will see that I've been where you are.
Objectively, I know I'm worthy. But inside I don't feel it. You and I need to work on that. It's not something a man will give you.

Original poster

MemorySoup · 02/01/2017 15:36

Iused, thank you I'll have a look. I've had plenty of trauma, childhood and teen years.

OP posts:

Iusedtobedontcall · 02/01/2017 15:37

In fact, I still am where you are, but I'm aware of it and am starting the healing process. I've been dumped and rejected over and over and over. I'm attractive, clever, funny etc etc. It's because I don't love myself enough. That's what we need to work on.

MsGameandWatch · 02/01/2017 15:37

No I didn't mean stop MNetting, I can't see why you'd think that tbh. I am trying to tell you that there's no point analysing it to the nth degree. It was over when you sent the texts saying you were disappointed in him. It's also possible though that it was over after you slept together because some men, not all, some, sex is the final stop no matter how keen and nice they were before.

Look you're not alone, I think many of us can relate to the excessive texting thing but I think you seem painfully overinvested in this and in a man who probably isn't worth it anyway.

Original poster

MemorySoup · 02/01/2017 15:38

Tessie, I can't seem to get any validity unless from other people. Even strangers on the Internet. I know that's wrong, but that's just me.

OP posts:

HoHumming · 02/01/2017 15:38

No!!!!! I have BEEN you. That is why I posted as I did. This is about your actions and thoughts with this guy not you as a person - a daughter, sibling, friend. You sound lovely but you sound vulnerable. This guy is not making you feel better about yourself. Quite the opposite. I have been where you are numerous times. You will meet the person who makes you feel you are a wonderful person, who feels lucky to be with you. It will be an EQUAL relationship. Hold out for that.

Bluntness100 · 02/01/2017 15:38

Ok. This is spiralling fast. Op, he is just a bloke. Did you meet him and have sex with him the first time you met? I think you need some time out from dating, build up your self esteem, focus on yourself and your own happiness, then get ready to meet guys.

Iusedtobedontcall · 02/01/2017 15:38

Please read my thread memory. It resonates with me. You don't know who you are yet. There is some excellent advice on there.

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