DH furious after Christmas

[peckishbabysitter]

We've just had my parents to stay for 4days over xmas. DCs had a lovely time; I worked very hard; DH was civil but often silent. He clearly thought he had behaved well but when he asked me outright I told him that his irritation has been very clear. Now he is furious - says he will only see my parents for bare minimum amount of time next year.

I know we see far more of my family than he would choose. I try to moderate it (e.g. Take kids to see them without him) but it is still too much for him. My DCs completely love them and have no idea there is conflict.

What the fuck should I do now?! I actually feel we could split over this even tho I love him and he's a loving dad. He refused to talk to me just now and I think I'll sleep in the spare room. No idea how to approach things tomorrow. Any thoughts?!!

[Kidnapped]

OP, you said "Believe it or not we used to spend a week with my parents at xmas and then some time with his family too!! I'll probably get strung up on MN for that!"

and then:

"Yes, we used to visit his parents at Christmas and we still see his siblings (tho that is often driven by me more than him) - I have no idea where anyone got the idea that was not the case."

People are getting the idea that it wasn't the case from you.

Anyway, glad you're both talking about it.

[DinosaursRoar]

OP- next year, well before any plans are made in stone (perhaps even in the summer!) ask him if he'd like to spend Christmas just you and the DCs or invite your parents, and if he'd like to invite your parents, how many days for. Start with asking what he'd like to happen, be open to him saying "actually, can we see them the week between Christmas and New Year and it just be us on Christmas day." if that's never been something you do. Perhaps suggest you do book your parents into a hotel rather than your house so he gets some break time during the visit (as at christmas you can't just do something else for a few hours otherwise.)

Basically, make sure it's completely something he's signed up for, not "Is it ok if this thing I've already planned happens?" but "would you like to help make the plans?"

[peckishbabysitter]

Kidnapped I still don't see any contradiction in those statements - we used to divide our time between the families. TBH tho he was never that fussed about seeing his family either. I guess he is basically an introvert.

[C8H10N4O2]

Op If he asked you twice for comment and you told him the truth I don't understand what you had to apologise for. You were not both in the wrong.

The trip was planned with his agreement and a multi hour journey for a couple of 80yr olds often won't be viable for a two day trip. If he gets 'peopled out' then he could go out for a walk or somesuch - its what I've done when 'peopled out' in my own house during an otherwise welcomed visit. He needs to grow up and work out what he can do himself to make it work better for him rather than making himself another DC to be 'looked after'.

I find it amazing that women are advised to suck up some of the most godawful behaviour from relatives at holiday periods for the sake of the family but men must be organised around as if they are DCs. What about the real DCs entitlement to time with their DGPs at Xmas? And the DGPs desire for time with them in the absence of objectionable characteristics?

If the Op were complaining that she had to put up with her unobjectionable in-laws who were very close to her DH and DCs and who couldn't have made the journey for just two days, then describing passive aggressive treatment of them she would get pretty short shrift

I spent years putting up with difficult in-laws for the sake of peace and the DCs. I would have expected DH to do the same if needed not sulk in the corner.

[crje]

Op would you consider a guest free Christmas Eve & Day and have them to stay after.
I think having them for Christmas every yr is asking too much

[DinosaursRoar]

C8H10N4O2 - no, I don't think if the OP was complaining about being expected to spend 4 days over christmas every year with her PILs who she didn't get on with and found annoying (unobjectionable is the OP's view of her parents, but acknowledges her DH finds them 'hard work'), and wanted to have one year off, or them to stay in a hotel, or not stay for 4 days - then there would be a chorus of YANBU and of course you should be able to have one year off, lots of MNers saying they have no guests for Christmas, or 2 nights is enough, or you could see them between Christmas/New Year etc...

The OP doesn't have a problem with spending lots of time with her parents. She knows her DH does, so a compromise might involve letting him have "a year off" from guests. The DCs will get to see Grandparents, just perhaps not on Christmas day.

[C8H10N4O2]

DinosaursRoar I take your point that one person's unobjectionable is another's hard work but why is this all about his needs and wants over the needs and wants of all others? The OP has described numerous ways in which they have already compromised to minimise his time in their company over the year and that the arrangement wasn't sprung on him unplanned. We don't know if this is an annual Xmas arrangement or if this is the first time in years they have stayed with OP rather than a sibling.
They live too far for a day visit and are at an age where you can't help but be conscious about the number of Xmases left to share with the DGCs.

I'm probably more like the DH with respect to need to get time out from people occasionally and my in laws pushed me to the limit at times. However that wasn't my DCs' fault and I felt we should find ways to manage the problems so that at a major family holiday all three generations could get as much as possible out of it. I'd expect my DH to do the same.
I don't think its unreasonable for the DH here to work out how to manage some time out (perhaps take the kids for an extended walk...?) whilst allowing the DGPs to share a family festival.

I sucked up a lot of crap at such times from MiL in particular (classicly I was never good enough for her) but she wasn't a bad grandmother and my DCs liked her and enjoyed spending time with her and FiL. I went for some very invigorating walks generally, found essential trips needed outside the home for the odd hour or sorted out the kids bedrooms - it isn't that difficult to find something to do for an hour. The alternative would probably have been wielding an axe...

If

[ravenmum]

I used to have to spend a week at Christmas at the inlaws' house. Well meaning people, but we had to be at all 4 meals a day (breakfast, lunch, tea,evening meal) then sit chatting every evening. In between there would also be walks outside. And in the few remaining hours, if I tried to read a book I'd be teased about being a bookworm, and if I hid in the bedroom FIL would come knocking in the door saying he hadn't seen me for ages and wondered where I was hiding. When we visited my parents, we could do what we liked and were left in peace if we wanted. PILs would also ignore me in conversation and talk endlessly about people I did not know, whereas my family would try to include my ex in the conversation. And I was not allowed to complain about my PILS whatever they did or said, whereas I was happy to admit my family's flaws and allow my ex to moan if he wanted. I would say that 4 days can be torture or a nice break depending on what you are expected to go along with.

[MrsGB2015]

My family are really close knit. They live within walking distance of each other (parents, siblings, aunts, cousins, grandpatents) Weve always gone on holiday together and celebrating birthdays and just pop in to see each other all the time.
My husband hates it! Luckily for him we leave an hours drive away so we don't see as much of the family as everyone else.
But he refuses to go on holiday with the family (he says he wouldn't go with his family so why she he go with ours) and often doesn't go to family gatherings.
It did annoy me at first but now I've just accepted it. Just because my family live in each other's pockets, it doesn't mean I have to force it on him.
I go on holiday with them without him. I'm sure it's been noted with the family but there's not much else to do.
Maybe have your relatives over for 2 days and you visit an another weekend with you and the kids?

[Lorelei76]

I was the one who asked upthread if he was an introvert...I must admit if you know that, I am puzzled that you try to encourage more social stuff even with his own siblings, can't you just give him more spa Day?

[Lorelei76]

Space not spa day!! Oh my god an MN specific typo

[Pollyanna9]

Yeah, give him a spa day!!

It just sounds to me (and if I'm wrong OP please tell me to bugger off!) but is he expected to 'be there' that whole of the 4 days? If so it would properly grind me down even with in-laws that I like!

Does he just need 'permission' to not be there in the room at all times. They take GCs and you go with them to the park but he stays at home. He goes to the pub for a couple of pints with his mates you guys stay at home.
He sits in the spare room and has some computer time.

I guess I'm just querying, is he expected to be on duty so to speak, that whole time?

[peckishbabysitter]

No! He is absolutely not expected to be 'on duty' all the time. I urged him to have an
evening out with friends and we agreed he would retreat when necessary (tho I did ask him not to disappear for hours on end). He also gets a lie-in every day while I get up with the kids and do breakfast for everyone.

I honestly don't believe I could have done much more to try to smooth things over, other than simply not to invite my family, which many of you seem to think would be best.

[Pollyanna9]

No that certainly sounds very reasonable to help him manage his exposure so to speak!
Did he take you up on it?

Maybe now you've started talking about it and got things back to a bit more of an even keel you could set out together how it would look to have Xmas next year - how would it look in his mind, how it would look in your mind, how practically and in detail you can define what is/isn't ok and would help both of you to be happier during it? Create a specification for Christmas I suppose.

Hope you get it sorted as of course you'll want your parents round of course you will.

Does he really miss his parents at Christmas?

[Fairylea]

I feel for both of you actually op. I think the main problem is the distance your parents live away from you. If they or you lived nearer to each other then you'd see them for shorter periods and more regularly and they would also be able to see the dc around school times presumably sometimes when dh isn't about. But of course that isn't the situation...

Both dh and I don't really get on with each other's families. There is absolutely no way either of us would even consider spending 4 days with our in laws. We were recently locked out of our house and the thought of having to stay at our in laws for one night bought up both out in panic.. I know that sounds utterly awful but that's how we both feel. Both sets of in laws are actually quite nice people, I think it's just hard being around people non stop if they're not your own family.

I was previously married and my now exes mum used to come and stay with us for days at a time. She was very loud and chatty and just the total opposite to me. I used to absolutely dread her visits, after a long week at work I really resented then having to accommodate her in my home. I could never completely relax. I once spent the whole weekend repainting a bathroom I'd only just decorated just so I didn't have to be around her. Sometimes the feelings really are that intense.

I think it's really difficult op.

[Kidnapped]

How about putting him in charge of Christmas next year? So he gets to decide what to do, where to go. He also gets to do most of the shopping, cleaning, cooking etc. You can sit on your backside eating toffees.

And then at New Year you can do it your way. Go and see the folks, have them come to you, whatever. And he doesn't get to whinge about it.

And then the year after that, you do Christmas as you want it again. And he doesn't get to whinge about it.

[alvinp]

I'm with you on this OP.

My in laws live 4 hours away and we have stayed with them all week. Admittedly I like them but there's no feeling at all that us staying for a week is too long. They come and stay with us from time to time also, usually for several days. It's a bit of a pain as we give them our room and camp in the spare room but seriously I'd never grumble to my DW about it and she never complains when my DPs stay, also usually for several days. In fact my own DPs drive me crazy far more than my inlaws but I cope.

It's part of being a family, surely?

[stillwantrachelshair]

Could you re-jig the timings next year? My parents arrived on Thurs & left on Boxing Day morning. They, too, have to travel for several hours to get to us so appreciate being invited for more than two nights but, this way, they spent Thurs & Fri day with me & the DC whilst DH was at work & Fri evening they babysat so DH & I could go out, again lessening DH's exposure to them. For various reasons, we tend to see my parents at Easter. I go a couple of days before the long weekend, DH gets the train on Good Friday, he & I often go away for the night on the Saturday & then home on the Monday. If we don't do it this way, he gets more & more withdrawn as, whilst he doesn't dislike them, he wouldn't choose to spend time with them.
Likewise, I think MIL must be surprised at how unfit I am as, whenever we see her (Xmas Eve until yesterday this year, go away for a week at Easter, a May bank holiday & the August bank holiday) I go for a run. What she doesn't realise is that I rarely run at other times of year but, get so frustrated and wound up in her company, that I have to go & pound the streets. I also have to spend about 45 mins lying with the DC when they go to bed when we stay at hers as they are so unsettled. They're not but, again, I need a break.

[WipsGlitter]

I can barely tolerate FiL for four hours so four days is amazing!

[Chattymummyhere]

I would be pulling my hair out at a whole day visit from my inlaws or my on parents.

I like my space and I like my home to feel like my home a safe space not invaded by others, making me on edge and feeling uncomfortable in my safe space.

I'm going to guess this is how your dh feels, if it is it doesn't matter if he goes out for an hour or locks himself away in a different room for a while.. He will feel he is only having to do it because of these extra people, knowing his going to come home to his safe place still invaded, or knowing his going to get it in the neck for shutting himself away for too long.

I can do 2-4 hours having visitors or being a visitor after that I'm ready to run and have a large cold glass of something. To him being there and just being quiet will of been exactly what you wanted not rude but being there tolerating invaders in his safe space.

[ChocChocPorridge]

I'm finding this entire thread really interesting.

I've lived abroad most of my adult life, so visits tend to be infrequent, but generally for about a week, 4 days sounds fine to me.

Sure, everyone needs some space, and I'd generally expect both visitors and hosts to occasionally retreat to their bedrooms for some peace and quiet, but I'd also expect an adult to be able to keep it together for that long - especially since the kids love it so much!

I may be an odd case, DP, DS1 and I lived with my PIL for a year when we came back to the UK for a bit, and it was similarly fine, my FIL can be a bit old fashioned, but my MIL is fantastic and we all rubbed along.

[GnomeDePlume]

Some people are extended family people and some are nuclear family people. They are not very compatible.

When a nuclear family person thinks 'family' they will think that means spouse and children

When an extended family person thinks 'family' they will think that means spouse, children, grand parents, aunts, uncles, cousins.

Add to that if the nuclear family person is an introvert then they will find the 'big' family exhausting. They will need time alone to rebuild their energy.

The extrovert needs the time with others to rebuild their own energy.

The compromise comes from recognising this in each other as a couple. You allow each other the opportunities to do what each needs to do to rebuild energy.

[Scaffleen]

He sounds like my DH! I'm sure this is just him blowing off steam after the visit. I often find visiting my parents difficult because it's sharing your space with others that you haven't lived with in a long time. People get into habits and have different ways of doing things. My DH's family live overseas so he never sees them yet he sees my parents all the time. I understand it must be difficult for him because I know they get on my nerves and their not even his parents! As long as he's polite to them I don't see the problem. He didn't chose his in laws. I think you should just move on from it and expect this kind of thing to happen the next time they visit. It makes you appreciate your home without the visitors

[Joysmum]

I love my family but wouldn't want to have 4 days with them.

In fact we do Christmas Day and even opt out of the family Boxing Day because it's our opportunity to enjoy our own little Christmas Day with just the three of us.

[2rebecca]

I don't think 4 days is a long time when it's a long journey. We used to have elderly grandparents over for a week when small at Christmas because they lived several hours away.
Other people's families are usually worse than your own though. If my relatives came for 4 days I'd expect my husband to go off cycling/ do his own thing for some of that time. The everyone doing everything together bit is hard if people are staying for more than a couple of days. You have to revert to normal lifestyle not stay in host mode and incorporate them in to your routine not revolve around them.
He is being ridiculous refusing to see them though, although if they visit for 4 days maybe he should do his own thing during the day and meet up for meals (which he should be helping to prepare).