DH furious after Christmas

[peckishbabysitter]

We've just had my parents to stay for 4days over xmas. DCs had a lovely time; I worked very hard; DH was civil but often silent. He clearly thought he had behaved well but when he asked me outright I told him that his irritation has been very clear. Now he is furious - says he will only see my parents for bare minimum amount of time next year.

I know we see far more of my family than he would choose. I try to moderate it (e.g. Take kids to see them without him) but it is still too much for him. My DCs completely love them and have no idea there is conflict.

What the fuck should I do now?! I actually feel we could split over this even tho I love him and he's a loving dad. He refused to talk to me just now and I think I'll sleep in the spare room. No idea how to approach things tomorrow. Any thoughts?!!

[MistressMerryWeather]

Do you expect him to go to every family get together?

[Clankboing]

I start to get irritable when dpending 4 hours with my in laws (which will happen tomorrow). Nothing wrong with them. I would just rather not be with them that long. I would feel claustrophobic.

[sansoucitherednosedcariboo]

I think you should let everything cool down a bit. Sleeping in the spare room will just add fuel to the fire. Please don't quarrel with him; it solves nothing. Wait awhile (maybe until after this stressful holiday period is over) before asking him to discuss his feelings and your feelings calmly.

[Astro55]

Maybe you're DH would like to spend Christmas with his kids - without DP being there all the time?

[Frankelly66]

If your parents are nice to him, then that is unacceptable. Don't get me wrong, four days living with someone isn't a dream come true but they are people regardless of being your parents and he should have manners. Could he not go out? My mum stayed with us for a month and my partner would disappear to the pub for a few hours when he needed a break, I didn't care because he was so nice to her when at home. We're spending new year with my crazy mother in law, shes excited, it's only a few days out of the year so will go and do the right thing, everyone has to do it!!!

[PigletWasPoohsFriend]

4days is not a lot and if it was he should have said, rather than sulking throughout

Maybe he did.

[Frankelly66]

Sorry but people are so rude about their in laws, but don't have a problem expecting their partner to be apart of their side of the family.

[peckishbabysitter]

Thank you hedda. I have been trying to find the right compromise for several years. Believe it or not we used to spend a week with my parents at xmas and then some time with his family too!! I'll probably get strung up on MN for that!

I think he was quite passive aggressive during their stay. But he then also on good days invites them for other occasions. I just don't know how to handle it at all.

[longdiling]

Seems odd that he would even need to ask about his own behaviour if he thought it was faultless?! He would surely only ask if he felt his irritation might have been showing?

My Mil is a difficult and unpleasant woman. I work hard not to let this show when I'm around her for my husband's sake. On his part he doesn't ask me to spend too much time with her.

Whether 4 days was 'too much' really depends. Do they regularly spend that long with you or was it just Christmas? Does he ever get the Christmas he would choose? Does he have to help out loads with hosting? Are they unpleasant to him? If the answer to those questions is mostly no with a Yes to getting a Christmas of his choice sometimes then I think he has no reason to be 'furious'. If, however, they are staying for that long every month and he has been run ragged waiting on them while they are rude to him in return then I see his point.

[QuartzUcan]

4 WHOLE days is quite a lot. I had a 3 day max til I reached 'overload' when going back to visit parents when at Uni/living away from home/pre-children.
I adjusted my tolerance levels (included extended family and new in laws by then) when I had children but still felt the same - 3 days was enough and it gradually became 2 then 1 (spread out amongst different family members)

Having said that ... I spent 2 nights with elderly PILs in the summer without the (teen) children, who were visiting their Dad, who lives a few hours away.

Twas' lovely (took 20 years and a few years since I had seen them to get to that point). We had fish and chip supper, watched Corrie and Emmerdale and then I watched a late night (crap) movie. Wonderful.

[Rainbunny]

I have to say I feel for your DH OP. This is his Christmas holiday as well and he has so share his space with people he clearly doesn't sound comfortable around. It's not to say he dislikes them but if he's introverted it's stressful having lot's of people around constantly. I have a good relationship with my inlaws but I am the complete opposite of them - they are very conservative, religious and generally homophobic (there's a gay family member who get's judged and treated badly). I hate staying with them to be honest, funnily enough we are currently spending the holidays with them and I am desperate to leave and come home! At the end of the day our partners are never likely to be as comfortable with inlaws the way we are with our own families.

Your DH may not be handling it very well but can you come up with strategies to ease the "pain" of visits? Daytrips or outdoor visits/activities etc.. that would break up the visit and help stop your DH from feeling too claustrophobic? He should accept that inlaws visiting are a fact of life that he needs to deal with but it wouldn't hurt to try to find ways to make it more bearable as well.

[MoonHare]

Op my DH is like this too. He gets on well with my parents but can be a bit rude to them without really meaning too.
He finds it stressful when they're here for longer than a couple of days, he's not a sociable person. It makes me feel annoyed with him and we often have words but after 25 yrs it's not going to change! Some visits he manages better than others, sometimes he isn't offish at all.
My parents can be irritating, mum especially. He listens to me ranting about her latest barbed comments and crying over her hurtful behaviour. I think his insights into my relationship with them colour his own relationship and naturally he sometimes is less tolerant than I would like him to be. But again after 25 yrs and 3 children I know where he's coming from and I know he also has affection for them and would go to any lengths to help them.
So I guess I'm just sharing my experience to say - I feel I know where you're coming from, I understand the embarrassment. No body is perfect.

[Nanny0gg]

It's 4 days not 4 weeks!

Can't people manage to see their partner's families for that long without having a strop? It sounds like they're not horrible people. so would it have killed him? Especially as his children really love them.

[QuartzUcan]

Should have said ex PILs

[Anatidae]

You need to talk about it.

Choose a time and place you aren't rushed. Remove emotion as much as possible. Approach it from a viewpoint of genuinely wanting to improve things rather than he must accept the status quo.

Talk about how he feels about family occasions.
Is he an introvert? Does he need time out now and again? How can he achieve this politely? What are his expectations of time with family? What are yours? Where do these clash? How can you meet in the middle ? Etc etc.

[AngryVagina]

When was the last time your DH got to spend a family Christmas or Birthday with just you and the kids? I'd be really sad too if every occasion was full of people I didn't really want to see.

[LellyMcKelly]

If your husband is quite introverted (and around half the population are) then four days with anyone is challenging. Four hours is more than enough, particularly when they're not people you would choose to spend your precious free time with. My ex was always great with my parents for the first day or two but after that you could see him getting exhausted from having to interact with them. I was the same with his. Perhaps offering him the opportunity to spend time alone during the festivities - a work project that can't wait, or a room that needs decorating, or a hobby that could use his attention, could take the edge off. When I stay with my parents (both big introverts) I make sure that the kids and I have lots of things to do to take us out of the house. They are always welcome to join us, but usually they prefer to do their own thing.

[Cherrysoup]

Blimey, Lelly, four hours? It takes me longer than that to get to my parent's place, I'm not going to travel 5 hours, stay 4 then bugger off again!

[peckishbabysitter]

Thanks moonhare. I have previously been confident that despite his irritation he basically cared about them. The way he spoke to me tonight makes me question that but maybe things will be clearer tomorrow.

I just can't imagine asking them to travel several hours here and back for the sake of a 2 day visit (and they are in their 80s). Of course I will continue to go to them but it has always previously been a 2-way thing.

[clearingaspaceforthecat]

If I had spent 4 days having to host difficult inlaws over Christmas and then got chastised by my DP for lack of effort, I really wouldn't be happy.

[Butteredpars1ps]

How would your DH spend xmas given the choice?

[Earlybird]

You stated that he thought he'd behaved well over the 4 days. It seems clear that he believes he made an effort. I'm sure you feel caught in the middle, and suspect you are hyper-sensitive to his behaviour when your parents are around because it has been a sore point between you in the past.

What would have happened if you had taken a different approach, and said something like 'I know you don't really enjoy these visits, but it is so important to my parents and our children, and it makes me happy too. I know family gatherings are not your favourite thing, and 4 days is a long time. I appreciate that you made an effort. ' You would be acknowledging his point of view.

Perhaps that would have made him feel appreciated / valued and even motivated him to try harder next time 'round. Now, there is a real atmosphere between you, and the subject of a return visit in the future will be tense.

And I agree with the others - 4 days is too long. Perhaps he could have been more cordial and engaging, but he did make an effort. Maybe your dh simply wanted family time with you and the dc over the holidays, or even some time to simply relax instead of being a host.

Try some positive feedback / reinforcement next time, and see if that makes a difference. And maybe you should decline a few of the family invitations in future - be selective - so that your dh feels his preferences are taken into consideration too, so he understands is not simply expected to happily participate in lots of mandatory family gatherings regardless of what he wants.

[notagiraffe]

Hmm. I think he's being immature. You tolerate old people being dotty at Christmas with lots of good humour. It's part of the season of goodwill. My mad DPs are at my brother's all week and I know my S-in-L will be lovely to them even though they drive her nuts. And we have DH's dotty dad with us, who insists we play elevator music instead of real music 'because it's proper jolly' and reads out loud every single item on every single menu of every single restaurant he might visit at some point. And tells appalling jokes with a theme this year of animal cruelty. He's here for a week and it genuinely never occurred to me that's too long. They are family and we'll all be mad and annoying one day.

[Brewdolf]

I feel a little for your DH.

I have a strained relationship with my family so minimise contact. The family I do have is fairly small too.

However the more time I spend with them the more I realise my ILs are like a game of MN bingo! We're the best thing when BIL and SIL aren't around but as soon as they are we should not darken their doorstep ever. Which means I refuse to deal with Christmas with them unless its a big family event. I've just spent 4 hours with them and if it hadn't been for the wider family I may have gone nuts.

[x2boys]

jesus 4 days is alot we went to my parents at three pm xmas day we went for ameal stayed overnight and most of boxing day as its ds1 birthday my sister and bil and kids also stayed for the same length of time we all agreed 24 hrs was enough and i love my family dearly cant imagine four days .