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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH furious after Christmas

162 replies

peckishbabysitter · 27/12/2016 22:09

We've just had my parents to stay for 4days over xmas. DCs had a lovely time; I worked very hard; DH was civil but often silent. He clearly thought he had behaved well but when he asked me outright I told him that his irritation has been very clear. Now he is furious - says he will only see my parents for bare minimum amount of time next year.

I know we see far more of my family than he would choose. I try to moderate it (e.g. Take kids to see them without him) but it is still too much for him. My DCs completely love them and have no idea there is conflict.

What the fuck should I do now?! I actually feel we could split over this even tho I love him and he's a loving dad. He refused to talk to me just now and I think I'll sleep in the spare room. No idea how to approach things tomorrow. Any thoughts?!!

OP posts:
BakeOffBiscuits · 27/12/2016 22:53

Does he ever get to spend Chrsitmas the way HE wants to spend it, or is it always with your family?

If it's always with your family, I'd be totally pissed off too.

Cherrysoup · 27/12/2016 22:53

4 days is too long, IMO. I can do 3, absolute max and that's with my family! I would think that your DH could have been a bit more polite, however, there's no need to be silent sulking in the corner.

How often do your parents come down, OP? Is it relentless? If your DH has limited time off work and the four day visit pretty much covered this, I think he's right to be cross, but still shouldn't have sulked. Was it arranged with his say so or did you just organise it with your parents?

Nanna50 · 27/12/2016 22:53

Cross posted but if he has never enjoyed family occasions and yet endures many of them then maybe he is not the unreasonable one? Not everyone enjoys company. I think the fact he asked if he behaved well enough demonstrates that he has been criticised before, if he was an inconsiderate arse he wouldn't care.

WorraLiberty · 27/12/2016 22:53

Insomnibrat how on earth did you get all that from the tiny bit of info the OP has imparted? Confused

Do you say the same to the tons of Mumsnetters who moan about their MILs?

buttercup54321 · 27/12/2016 22:54

angry vagina = be GRATEFUL that he hasn't been rude. WTF???

MistressMerryWeather · 27/12/2016 22:55

Ah, your last post actually makes me feel a bit sorry for him.

DH's family are like that and it can really get to you. Every single week it was 'Uncles Freds next door neighbours dog is throwing a party and we're all invited - You need to be there!' or similar.

I just stopped going to things and to be honest, DH did too. We were never able to make our own plans.

I know how it feels to think 'enough if is enough' - Maybe he's long since reached that stage and this is how it's coming out?

GabsAlot · 27/12/2016 22:57

why does he have to agree theyre her parents

he sounds like a very bitter man its noones fault his parents are dead-if they live several hours away of course theyre going to stay

unless im missing something he doesnt have any reason to be in amood over it

AnyFucker · 27/12/2016 22:57

I feel for him. He has every single Xmas like this, plus many other family "occasions" through the year ?

I find it difficult to have my life mapped out such, and to have to pretend to like it

Next year, you take the children to your parents house and stay 2 nights. Give him a break.

Backingvocals · 27/12/2016 22:57

I never get to spend Christmas the way I want to spend it. Because it's not about me. It's about the children mainly, and being together. I don't choose to spend time with my BIL's family but I do because dsis is important to me and dbil is important to her and his family is important to him. You make it work in a family. If you are a grownup, that is.

KickAssAngel · 27/12/2016 22:58

OK - I have a truly toxic bitch of a MIL (she no longer acknowledges that any other family members exist or ever existed at all, and once attempted to force a happily pregnant woman to have an abortion - she really is like a Disney step-mother evil witch).

DH finds my parents annoying (they are) and too overbearing and my mother can talk the hind leg off a donkey.

Neither one of us would be deliberately rude to the other's parents (and not speaking is a deliberate act). We do minimize contact, but we would never upset the other's parents. A certain amount of putting up with broader family is expected within a marriage. Unless you're foisting your parents on him every weekend, he can manage to be polite for 4 days at Christmas like a grown up boy.

AngryVagina · 27/12/2016 22:58

butter if I had to put up with visitors for 4 days and then someone had the cheek to moan at me for being "too quiet" during that time, my response would be "Well, it was that or be rude to them every time they annoyed me." So yes, at least he kept his temper, I don't think I would have.

Lorelei76 · 27/12/2016 22:59

I feel for him
I love my olds but 4 hours is enough
4 days of someone else's parents....
Is he an introvert btw?

Original poster
peckishbabysitter · 27/12/2016 22:59

It's 4 days out of nearly a fortnight school holiday. I didn't think that was too bad but clearly many disagree with me. I tried to give him space but kind of expected him to make some effort when we were all together too. Beginning to think my family has unusual norms.

OP posts:
Queenie04 · 27/12/2016 23:00

This whole post is so sad, was watching a program a couple of months back about old people who are chronically lonely as family members rarely contact them. I come fro. A culture where older people are not viewed in such a horrible light. I find my own mother annoying sometimes, but no one could ever stop me from it make me feel bad about spending time with her. You say his own parents are dead, and yours sound elderly. It's your relationship with your parents and you should not let a partner dictate that. Very Sad

Bluntness100 · 27/12/2016 23:00

You make it work in a family. If you are a grownup, that is

Kidnapped · 27/12/2016 23:02

OP, are you an only child?

Do your parents come to you for 4 days or so every Christmas?

AmberEars · 27/12/2016 23:02

You say '4 days out of nearly a fortnight of school holiday' but do you and DH get the whole fortnight off work?

Queenie04 · 27/12/2016 23:02

Me and my DD see my parents every weekend, she has a great relationship. Would never stop that, my mum is getting older so every moment is precious. Your partner sounds incredibly selfish

HeddaGarbled · 27/12/2016 23:02

I think that no one is in the wrong here. It is just one of those family situations where everyone wants different things and you haven't found the right compromise yet.

So, your family want lots of big family get togethers, extended Christmas visits every year, lots of time with the grandchildren.

Your H wants Christmas and other special occasions with your own little nuclear family and and dislikes big family gatherings.

You want to keep everybody happy.

Your parents staying for 4 days was too long. 2 days would have been fine.

Your H was civil but quiet. That's OK, I think, unless the quiet was a sulky sort of quiet. What do you mean by his irritation was clear. I'm not sure whether he is an introvert being unreasonably expected to behave out of character or whether he was being passive aggressive. What do you think?

Anyway, I think this is solvable. He isn't refusing to see your family, just asking you to keep it to the bare minimum for civility. Just see them without him as much as you can and when they come to your house, don't expect him to be sociable for 4 days running.

There are 2 son in laws in my family who escape to their computers in their own homes after a certain length of time and though there have been comments made, everyone has had to accept that this is what they choose to do.

Kidnapped · 27/12/2016 23:04

I think that when parents live a few hours away and come to stay for days (or weeks or months) at a time then it can be hard. I'm glad that a lot of people on here understand that it can be a strain for some people, even if they do love their relations.

It is a whole different scenario when your parents live 10 miles away and you pop in 3 times a week and leave a couple of hours later.

sweetchilli77 · 27/12/2016 23:04

i love my InLaws to bits but 4 days together they would get on my paps, infact anyone would.

Christmas is hard work enough without added stress. Its about chilling out, being able to walk around in PJs etc...

Backingvocals · 27/12/2016 23:04

I do spend every christmas with various inlaws.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 27/12/2016 23:04

Does your DH get any choice about all these family gatherings and parties?

Queenie04 · 27/12/2016 23:05

4days is not a lot and if it was he should have said, rather than sulking throughout. I'm sure OPs parents were aware but too polite too say. A few posters here need to go on gransnet and read some of the posts. The way people treat elderly relatives these days is Sad

Gazelda · 27/12/2016 23:05

OP, how often do you have your DP to stay? How often do you visit them? How much time do you, your DH and DC spend together without other family? How often do you spend Christmas with your family?
There's no reason to to think that your family has unusual norms, but perhaps it has become a bit much for him? Especially if there is an imbalance in how much time is spent with your Family vs his family (does he have siblings or other Family he might like to spend time with?).

Surely a compromise is possible rather than starting to think your marriage is in trouble over this issue?
He should sulk, ignore or be rude to your DP. But. Or should you ignore it disregard his feelings or wishes. Talk to each other.