DH furious after Christmas

[peckishbabysitter]

We've just had my parents to stay for 4days over xmas. DCs had a lovely time; I worked very hard; DH was civil but often silent. He clearly thought he had behaved well but when he asked me outright I told him that his irritation has been very clear. Now he is furious - says he will only see my parents for bare minimum amount of time next year.

I know we see far more of my family than he would choose. I try to moderate it (e.g. Take kids to see them without him) but it is still too much for him. My DCs completely love them and have no idea there is conflict.

What the fuck should I do now?! I actually feel we could split over this even tho I love him and he's a loving dad. He refused to talk to me just now and I think I'll sleep in the spare room. No idea how to approach things tomorrow. Any thoughts?!!

[Ellapaella]

Regardless of any of the things others have said there is no need to be rude to your parents. I can't stand that whole passive aggressive sulky behaviour. 4 days is not a long time and they are your parents and ultimately you should be able to spend time with them without being 'punished' for it with silly moods and temper tantrums.

[FlouncingInAWinterWonderland]

Sorry, correct him sounds harsh. It was quoted at me by an Aunt when frustrated by my own DH and stuck. I mother him. It enables him to behave a little less responsibly/ in a more childish manor.

I want him to be able to behave more confidently as an adult but he has no family elders to offer guidance. Interestingly DH's lack of tolerance also goes with no elder generation on his side of the family. Dad died 20 years ago, long term estranged mother, no other family contact.

[peckishbabysitter]

They are absolutely not racist or homophobic in fact they are relatively 'right on' for their age. There is a history of him being fed up with spending too much time with them but they are keen to be involved grandparents. I am trying to balance what everyone wants.

[bloodyteenagers]

My daughter is always in my way. After a couple of days with no break I want
To throttle her. It's tiresome. She knows she's in the way she just doesn't think.

The silly things. One thing life has taught me some people say silly things that are brushed under the carpet. Because of some generation/culture thing. But the comments are deeply offensive and sometimes racist.

[RubyWinterstorm]

Is there a lot of pressure on himto be around whenthey are there?

My DH just takes himself off for long walks when they visit, though he is sweet to them face to face

He finds old people stifling so he goes for runs/walks and work ( sitting on the ipad in the study). In between all that he is charming and makes them tea all the time.

How does your DH (try to) cope?

[AmberEars]

OP, feeling like you could split up over this feels like a massive over reaction to me. Are you seriously considering this? Can't you and DH find a compromise?

[Kidnapped]

I think 4 days is a long time. 2 nights is my maximum with people (my family and DP's family) before I begin to get annoyed. Fortunately DP is the same so we work things out so that we are not too stressed by things.

Maybe he'd like to do Christmas his way for once? Rather than follow your vision of what Christmas should be?

And he may very well be missing his own parents at Christmas, which feeds into his irritation with your parents.

[meringue33]

4 days is nothing. He's being very rude (unless your parents did something terrible). MIL is here for 10 days and I wouldn't dream of being horrid to her. She's an elderly widow whose three children all live in a different country to her. It'll be nice to get some personal space back but fgs we have the other 355 days per year for that!

[MistressMerryWeather]

He shouldn't ask questions if he doesn't want honest answers, should he?

Does he often ruin nice occasions? He sounds like a miserable arsehole.

[StealthPolarBear]

Bloody teenagers your dd is racist? You want to throttle her?

[Hassled]

You say he's lost both his parents - is there an element of jealousy involved? I ask because sometimes the horrible side of me has a bit of a stab of that when we host DH's alive and well parents (mine both long dead). I hide it, I don't say a word, I love my ILs, but that jealousy is there, especially around Christmas. Talk to him some more, if he's otherwise a decent sort - this might not actually be about your parents, but about how he's responding to the loss of his parents.

[DameDeDoubtance]

Does he like your friends or do they irritate him too? Does he mind you going out without him?

[StealthPolarBear]

I'm the least tolerant person ever. We've had 24 hours with both sets of parents and it's been about 12 hours too long each, but I could be polite for 4 days.

[bloodyteenagers]

No she's not racist. She's always in the way of everyone. Yes after being locked up with her for days on end my patience begins to wear. But then I remember she's going home soon and she only has herself to annoy.

[peckishbabysitter]

Sorry, going to try to sleep now. He has never enjoyed family occasions and to be fair to him there are a hell of a lot of them in my family - always looking for an excuse to get together. I should have realised sooner that this would be a problem, of course but now we have 3 DCs...

[BiscuitMillionaire]

What Hassled said ^^

[peckishbabysitter]

He's usually fine with friends and of course relaxed about me going out.

[Princesspink999]

Have to be honest 4 hours with my PIL is too long - they irritate me beyond belief but I would feel sad if my dh felt like that about my mum. Sometimes its just hard to win!

[Insomnibrat]

Honestly I think he sounds like an inconsiderate, miserable, manipulative bastard. Christmas IS give and take.

Can't he even try for his Wife and family? Is it really too much? He should grow up, he knows he's acted badly and now he's trying to deflect his ill feeling onto you.

I'd be pissed too, OP. He owes you an explanation and an apology.

[Nanna50]

This is a bit of a drip feed OP what was the balance you tried to achieve and did your DH agree beforehand? There is a history and you know your DH is fed up and it is too much for him but you don't say how often they stay in your home. He was quiet but not rude how did you want him to behave?

[happychristmasbum]

He has never enjoyed family occasions and to be fair to him there are a hell of a lot of them in my family

Yeah, this would drive me potty.

Can you not just involve yourself and leave him to do his own thing? Or not go to every single thing?

[DinosaursRoar]

4 days is a long time to spend with people you don't really like - it's also a long time to spend hosting guests you do get on well with. 4 days is the whole of the Christmas period, not being able to just spend time with your kids, but having to host your PILs. It's a long time not being able to just switch off. If you aren't someone who enjoys hosting, anyone staying in your space so you always had to be 'on' is hard, and 4 days is a long long time.

How often do they come to stay - and do they always stay when they visit and is it more than 1 night?

We recently have had issues in our family as my parents have moved to perminately living at their overseas holiday home and coming to stay for extended periods. We have no guest room so when they are staying with us, they actually stay in a hotel round the corner, but stay for 4 nights, and DH does find them being here the whole day hard work, but then at least we get the evenings to relax once htey've gone back to their hotel.

For my brother, he does have a guest room and they tend to stay with him and his DP for 3/4 nights, and they both find it a real strain, so much that this time my brother's DP arranging to be decorating when parents last visited so they had to stay in a local hotel - that seemed to take the pressure off a lot. Would you consider a compromise like that so your DH gets a break when they are visiting?

[AngryVagina]

If his parents are dead and your family have a lot of get-togethers, I'm curious about the balance you try to maintain. I'd lose my mind with my in-laws or my own parents staying for 4 days especially if it was a regular occurrence. Aside from my own relationships, some people just don't get on with others - he is irritated by them and you seem to see them a fair amount, give him a break and only invite them for 1 or 2 nights at Christmas time and be grateful that he hasn't been rude.

[Astro55]

Did he agree to 4 days?

It's really hard to have. Suitors stay over for so long - keeping them fed and warm - giving up your comforts and tv remote!!

Can he just take himself off?

[Backingvocals]

Four days is quite a long time to have visitors but they've come a long way, they're close family, the DCs and you love them, they are perfectly pleasant and it's Christmas time. Who else was he going to spent Christmas with?
Someone a lot cooler? No one?

Sorry OP but he needs to grow up. He doesnt get to tell the person he loves how much time may be allotted to these people who are important to you and the DCs. How does he think families work actually?