DH furious after Christmas

[peckishbabysitter]

We've just had my parents to stay for 4days over xmas. DCs had a lovely time; I worked very hard; DH was civil but often silent. He clearly thought he had behaved well but when he asked me outright I told him that his irritation has been very clear. Now he is furious - says he will only see my parents for bare minimum amount of time next year.

I know we see far more of my family than he would choose. I try to moderate it (e.g. Take kids to see them without him) but it is still too much for him. My DCs completely love them and have no idea there is conflict.

What the fuck should I do now?! I actually feel we could split over this even tho I love him and he's a loving dad. He refused to talk to me just now and I think I'll sleep in the spare room. No idea how to approach things tomorrow. Any thoughts?!!

[Wolpertinger]

To use an old phrase 'guests are like fish, after 3 days they start to smell'

4 days is a long time, especially if every single family occasion you go to involves your family and him having to fit in whether he wants to be there or not.

This might be a good opportunity to clear the air - how many family occasions does your family have and is it mandatory that all of you go to every single one? This is v much not normal and only gets to happen because the other partner a) has no family and/or b) doesn't get an opinion. Does he feel like this? Does he have to go to every occasion too? How much family time do they take up?

I notice also that after your parents left, you essentially gave your DH a report on how good his behaviour had been It's his home, he should be able to behave as he chooses and sloping off for some alone time shouldn't result in him being put on the naughty step. When my ILs are here I have to hide for awhile sometimes or I would kill them .actually the same goes when it's my mother It sounds like you treated him like a naughty child, not another adult.

He would probably have appreciated some sympathy for putting up with them again at Christmas and how it meant so much to you that he does this, or some mutual eye rolling at whatever dotty batshit you ignored from them, or even just an 'I'm glad that's all over for another year' but instead he got a lecture about how he wasn't up to scratch and his wife considering a divorce.

It doesn't seem v fair from his side.

[WorraLiberty]

This whole post is so sad, was watching a program a couple of months back about old people who are chronically lonely as family members rarely contact them. I come fro. A culture where older people are not viewed in such a horrible light.

If that was a dig at British culture Queenie04, based on some TV program, you're making yourself sound pretty xenophobic.

I notice you didn't have the balls to say what culture you come from, but you can bet your life whatever it is, there will always be people who don't look forward to spending overnight stays with their in-laws.

Tarring a whole nation of people with one brush is out of order.

[peekyboo]

I can just imagine the internal screaming he was doing most of the time. He probably couldn't hear what they were saying over that.

Seriously though, it can feel so hard to deal with people in the house, even for a couple of days. Maybe he did put a lot of effort in and being indifferent was as good as he could get, then he felt like it had all been for nothing.

[SleightOfMind]

Have just returned from 4 nights with DH's family. We had a house to ourselves and they are very sweet but I am fucking glad to be home (sure they were happy to wave us off too!)

Next year, DH & I have promised the DCs we are not budging from home. 2018 we'll probably have to go to my sister's ☹️.

You have to negotiate a compromise with your DH.
Xmas is never going to be all things to all people but you can carve out a little bit of what makes you both happy.

[Jux]

You're fine. When my lot were all stil alve they would all descend on usor atleast 4 days over Xmas. DH could be around or not, and has a space to retreat to, where he is most comfortable and can shut the door - which he does a lot anyway.

This is normal for a close family who enjoys each other's company - surely what you're aimng for for your children too. If he prefers the dea of his children being irritable loners with few people to call on when in trouble however.....

[CathodeRayTube]

Is there any way that they could book self-catering accommodation when they come to visit? That's what my parents do, and they come for three weeks, but everyone has their own space.

[DinosaursRoar]

It's not just any 4 days though was it, it was the 4 days of Christmas, the days you are in together, he can't go off for a few hours peace... and yes, 4 days for guests is a long time if you don't like having people to stay.

Did you ask him how long did he think you should invite your parents for (or even ask him if they should come at all), or did you decide 4 days with your parents and then inform him? Having little input into what happens in your own home would piss me off.

[Lorelei76]

Dinosaurs, spot on. Xmas is the worst time to have people inflicted on you and chances are the weather is shite so you can't go out, your friends will be enduring family too so hard to find any to go to the pub with etc....horribly stressful.

OP you mention you think you would leave your DP over this. If that's the only issue, then frankly I find that bizarre but if there's other stuff....also you say he was civil so what has he done wrong? At least he didn't lose his rag.

[llangennith]

Your DH really doesn't understand the whole 'family' thing does he?
Four days isn't that long and you've said you don't expect him to be around them all the time.
I envy you your loving close relationship with your parents and I expect your DH does too.
He clearly hasn't learnt to share.

[december10th]

Guests are like fish.
After 3 days they all stink.

[Lessthanaballpark]

I notice also that after your parents left, you essentially gave your DH a report on how good his behaviour had been hmm It's his home,

Er, no she didn't. RTFT.

OP, I really feel for both of you. It's understandable that he feels stifled but it's also understandable that you feel sad because you want to enjoy your parents' company when they live so far away and they are old.

Only a compromise will work here. How about you taking the DC to visit them on your own a few times a year and DH can keep his involvement down to twice a year? Would he begrudge you that? You would probably enjoy it more if you didn't have to worry about his moodiness anyway.

[GabsAlot]

im not getting some of theseposts

theyre not horrible people nowhere has the op said that they are her 80 year old parents

how are they supposed to be-hi its xmas w'll come for a few hours then drive several hours home again-its bloody cruel

[Lorelei76]

Gabs, no one is suggesting that, but there are a range of compromises and OP said that her DH attends several family occasions each year so he could skip those and then maybe cope better at other times, or she could visit her parents, with DC, for 4 days.

[toptoe]

When he calms down in a week or so talk it through again. If he was just quiet and letting you all get on with it then maybe it wasn't passive aggression but his way of coping with something he didn't want at Christmas. Did you discuss whether or not you both wanted them over beforehand?

[ReadyPlayerOne]

I think your DH has been unreasonable, but I can see I'm in a minority. If the GPs only crime is being old and a bit "silly" then he ought to be more mature in my book.

Am surprised that 4 days is considered a long stay; when I was growing up I lived in a different country in mainland Europe while my family lived in England. We would spend several weeks over summer doing the rounds to the two sets of grandparents and my aunt and her family. We'd stay about a week at each before driving to the next. Over Christmas we would see one out of those for a week and of course we had them stay with us for a week at a time. Obviously this is because we lived abroad and so a 3 day trip would be a bit wasteful. But I would say 4 days for relatives who live several hours away is not too much, especially as the OP says she does not insist that her DH attend every family gathering.

It can be hard to have people to stay in your home, but without a reason for conflict then I can't see a problem. Ultimately it's about fostering the relationship between grandkids and grandparents and (again without any issues or conflict) isn't that part of our role as parents, to bridge that gap and encourage these familial relationships?

[GabsAlot]

ive read a few posts stating do they need to stay at xmas maybe he wants xmas alone

he sounds like a selfish bastard-no noone should force him to go to theirs but for the sake of his dc's who dont have their other gp's around he houldnt get in a mood about it at xmas time

[Amaried]

Honestly I think pils are something you assume are part of the package when you get married. My inlaws sound similar and have just left after 4 days.. would I prefer it to be shorter - absolutely but they are in their 80's so realistically it won't be for ever.. I give my fil little jobs which keeps him from under my feet and he likes being useful. I think your Dh is being unfair, if his parents were alive , I bet you that you would do it for him..

[Kidnapped]

"I think your Dh is being unfair, if his parents were alive , I bet you that you would do it for him".

But that's the thing. When the husband's parents were alive, the OP insisted on spending a week with her parents at Christmas.

So she thought it was absolutely fine for her in-laws to miss Christmas with their son and his family. But spending Christmas with her parents is sacrosanct.

Huge double standards. And she's the one pissed off about it.

OP, would you be happy for your children to grow up and get married and then spend a week over Christmas with their in-laws every year?

That would mean that you would never see your own children at Christmas.

[crje]

This is a tough one.

I am your husband.
Used to be better with in laws but we don't have much in common.
Dh and his parents chat about their common interests & old neighbours etc.I've come to the conclusion that if they're going to suit themselves then so will I . It's petty but it's boring as hell for me when they call.

I'd like if Dh went to see them with the kids.

[Zaphodsotherhead]

Can you define 'a bit silly' though?

My friend describes her autistic son's behaviour as 'being a bit silly' when he's yelling out, twitching and repeating, because she's completely used to it. To outsiders it's incredibly hard to bear. So OP's parents being 'silly' could mean anything if it's her 'normal'.

[Astro55]

he sounds like a selfish bastard-

Actually the OP hasn't been back on the explain -

Did he have a choice? Has he been asked what he wants?

Seems he has his Christmas pre determined every year - even when his parents were alive.

The compromise is always on DH not on OP

[GabsAlot]

on good days he invites them over

what does that mean when hes not sulking? the man sounds like a teenager

[peckishbabysitter]

Sorry I haven't been back to the thread. I was looking for feedback last night when I was upset and didn't really think the discussion would continue today.

So, will try to answer the points raised. Yes, I did discuss it with him beforehand and he agreed as he knows how much the DCs enjoy being with them. Yes, we used to visit his parents at Christmas and we still see his siblings (tho that is often driven by me more than him) - I have no idea where anyone got the idea that was not the case. My parents are really not unpleasant people, their main crimes are that they like conversation and they are old and sometimes a bit annoying.
And yes, there is already compromise - I sometimes visit them without him and we are both fine with that. I think I have tried very hard to see it from his point of view. The only reason i commented yesterday was that he pressed me twice to say how I thought things had gone. And of course I regret that now.

Anyway, things have moved on somewhat. Partly as a result of helpful comments on this thread I did apologise and said I should not have said what I did. He has also apologised for his angry response and so a fragile peace has been restored.

Hope that helps give a fuller picture.

[AmberEars]

OP, well done for talking to him and making up - it's better not to let these things fester.

[BakeOffBiscuits]

Great that you've both apologised.

I always think it's a great idea to talk about Xmas, just afterwards and discuss what you liked/didint like and what you definitely want to do/don't want to repeat, the following year. We do this and I pop it onto my phone notes, so next year we remember what we've said. It means that hopefully mistakes aren't repeated and the good things are remembered.