DH furious after Christmas

[peckishbabysitter]

We've just had my parents to stay for 4days over xmas. DCs had a lovely time; I worked very hard; DH was civil but often silent. He clearly thought he had behaved well but when he asked me outright I told him that his irritation has been very clear. Now he is furious - says he will only see my parents for bare minimum amount of time next year.

I know we see far more of my family than he would choose. I try to moderate it (e.g. Take kids to see them without him) but it is still too much for him. My DCs completely love them and have no idea there is conflict.

What the fuck should I do now?! I actually feel we could split over this even tho I love him and he's a loving dad. He refused to talk to me just now and I think I'll sleep in the spare room. No idea how to approach things tomorrow. Any thoughts?!!

[redexpat]

I love my PILs, SILs and their families. When MILs twin is there with her DH its ok. But when their 6 dc, 4 dils&sils, and 10 gc it gets too much and I spend most of the evening "supervising the children" in another room. We used to have to go to parties all the time and jt had a bad effect on my mh. I usee to get drunk because i had to wait for someone to take pity on me and speak english to me. Now I can speak their language and I still have absolutely nothing to say to them because they talk about horses, tractors, animals, people they know etc. Oh and they also like to sit round and bitch about forriners.

I think it would be v useful to ask dh what his limits are and work out a plan from that. Mine is 4 hours.

[GloriaGaynor]

4 days when they've come a long way and they're in their 80s is really the minimum. It's not fair to ask them for less than that.

I think he just needs to suck it up, or they need to move closer to you.

[2rebecca]

I don't see why he can't disappear for several hours if he wants to. Why do you both have to be there most of the time? If he's off work on holiday then surely he's better off out of the house enjoying himself than sitting around not saying much. He should be helping with the meals but other than that 2 elderly people shouldn't need both of you around all the time.

[ThePeoplesChamp]

another 'why can't he go out for several hours?' here ....being 'on duty' 4 days really is a hell of an ask IMO. .... it's his Christmas too and it seems every year you get your way on the parents thing.

[GnomeDePlume]

If you're an introvert having some peace away from everyone is very important. With a house full of other people it can be difficult to carve that space out without feeling as though even the alone time is being scrutinised which defeats the object.

[GloriaGaynor]

And when you're in your 80s, Christmas with your family is very important. Her parents won't be around for ever.

Introversion is not an illness.

[GnomeDePlume]

I agree that introversion isn't an illness but also extroversion and old age are not illnesses. However, each other's needs should be accommodated as far as possible. One set of needs/wants should not trump all the others. It's about compromise and trying to see the situation from other people's point of view.

[GloriaGaynor]

Being old is like being ill. Deceased energy, strength, stamina, decreased physical mobility, decreased mental capacities. Many older people have illness/disabilities that come with age - heart and blood pressure problems, arthritis, hearing problems etc.

I have CFS, I'd say at 80 my father has roughly the same amount of energy as me, whereas he used to be incredibly phyiscally strong and never tired.

[GnomeDePlume]

But those things dont trump everyone else's needs and wants. The OP said that her DH was civil but silent. She perceived that he was irritated. What we cant see from the other side of the screen is whether that is just her interpretation.

Christmas isnt only about children and grand parents. A bit of compromise should see everyone have a good time.

[Jux]

We 'camped' in my mother's spare room for 6m, in her very small 2 bed flat with no garden. DH is a bit of a spoilt brat but even he managed to cope with it. OK, he went out quite a lot during the day though he wasn't working at the time. In fac, we manage it so well, we bought a house together with mum and she continued toive with us until her death.

One needs to be grown up about these things.

[2rebecca]

It sounds as though both partners here are over reacting to the elderly couple.
The OP won't let her husband go off and do his own thing/ get on with his life for 4 days but makes him hang around the house for no apparent reason and the husband sulks and then gets "furious" which seems a huge over reaction..

[GloriaGaynor]

But those things dont trump everyone else's needs and wants

They deserve consideration, more consideration than the OP's DH has shown. It's all about what he wants. It's just really selfish.