DH furious after Christmas

[peckishbabysitter]

We've just had my parents to stay for 4days over xmas. DCs had a lovely time; I worked very hard; DH was civil but often silent. He clearly thought he had behaved well but when he asked me outright I told him that his irritation has been very clear. Now he is furious - says he will only see my parents for bare minimum amount of time next year.

I know we see far more of my family than he would choose. I try to moderate it (e.g. Take kids to see them without him) but it is still too much for him. My DCs completely love them and have no idea there is conflict.

What the fuck should I do now?! I actually feel we could split over this even tho I love him and he's a loving dad. He refused to talk to me just now and I think I'll sleep in the spare room. No idea how to approach things tomorrow. Any thoughts?!!

[GloriaGaynor]

But those things dont trump everyone else's needs and wants

They deserve consideration, more consideration than the OP's DH has shown. It's all about what he wants. It's just really selfish.

[2rebecca]

It sounds as though both partners here are over reacting to the elderly couple.
The OP won't let her husband go off and do his own thing/ get on with his life for 4 days but makes him hang around the house for no apparent reason and the husband sulks and then gets "furious" which seems a huge over reaction..

[Jux]

We 'camped' in my mother's spare room for 6m, in her very small 2 bed flat with no garden. DH is a bit of a spoilt brat but even he managed to cope with it. OK, he went out quite a lot during the day though he wasn't working at the time. In fac, we manage it so well, we bought a house together with mum and she continued toive with us until her death.

One needs to be grown up about these things.

[GnomeDePlume]

But those things dont trump everyone else's needs and wants. The OP said that her DH was civil but silent. She perceived that he was irritated. What we cant see from the other side of the screen is whether that is just her interpretation.

Christmas isnt only about children and grand parents. A bit of compromise should see everyone have a good time.

[GloriaGaynor]

Being old is like being ill. Deceased energy, strength, stamina, decreased physical mobility, decreased mental capacities. Many older people have illness/disabilities that come with age - heart and blood pressure problems, arthritis, hearing problems etc.

I have CFS, I'd say at 80 my father has roughly the same amount of energy as me, whereas he used to be incredibly phyiscally strong and never tired.

[GnomeDePlume]

I agree that introversion isn't an illness but also extroversion and old age are not illnesses. However, each other's needs should be accommodated as far as possible. One set of needs/wants should not trump all the others. It's about compromise and trying to see the situation from other people's point of view.

[GloriaGaynor]

And when you're in your 80s, Christmas with your family is very important. Her parents won't be around for ever.

Introversion is not an illness.

[GnomeDePlume]

If you're an introvert having some peace away from everyone is very important. With a house full of other people it can be difficult to carve that space out without feeling as though even the alone time is being scrutinised which defeats the object.

[ThePeoplesChamp]

another 'why can't he go out for several hours?' here ....being 'on duty' 4 days really is a hell of an ask IMO. .... it's his Christmas too and it seems every year you get your way on the parents thing.

[2rebecca]

I don't see why he can't disappear for several hours if he wants to. Why do you both have to be there most of the time? If he's off work on holiday then surely he's better off out of the house enjoying himself than sitting around not saying much. He should be helping with the meals but other than that 2 elderly people shouldn't need both of you around all the time.

[GloriaGaynor]

4 days when they've come a long way and they're in their 80s is really the minimum. It's not fair to ask them for less than that.

I think he just needs to suck it up, or they need to move closer to you.

[redexpat]

I love my PILs, SILs and their families. When MILs twin is there with her DH its ok. But when their 6 dc, 4 dils&sils, and 10 gc it gets too much and I spend most of the evening "supervising the children" in another room. We used to have to go to parties all the time and jt had a bad effect on my mh. I usee to get drunk because i had to wait for someone to take pity on me and speak english to me. Now I can speak their language and I still have absolutely nothing to say to them because they talk about horses, tractors, animals, people they know etc. Oh and they also like to sit round and bitch about forriners.

I think it would be v useful to ask dh what his limits are and work out a plan from that. Mine is 4 hours.

[2rebecca]

I don't think 4 days is a long time when it's a long journey. We used to have elderly grandparents over for a week when small at Christmas because they lived several hours away.
Other people's families are usually worse than your own though. If my relatives came for 4 days I'd expect my husband to go off cycling/ do his own thing for some of that time. The everyone doing everything together bit is hard if people are staying for more than a couple of days. You have to revert to normal lifestyle not stay in host mode and incorporate them in to your routine not revolve around them.
He is being ridiculous refusing to see them though, although if they visit for 4 days maybe he should do his own thing during the day and meet up for meals (which he should be helping to prepare).

[Joysmum]

I love my family but wouldn't want to have 4 days with them.

In fact we do Christmas Day and even opt out of the family Boxing Day because it's our opportunity to enjoy our own little Christmas Day with just the three of us.

[Scaffleen]

He sounds like my DH! I'm sure this is just him blowing off steam after the visit. I often find visiting my parents difficult because it's sharing your space with others that you haven't lived with in a long time. People get into habits and have different ways of doing things. My DH's family live overseas so he never sees them yet he sees my parents all the time. I understand it must be difficult for him because I know they get on my nerves and their not even his parents! As long as he's polite to them I don't see the problem. He didn't chose his in laws. I think you should just move on from it and expect this kind of thing to happen the next time they visit. It makes you appreciate your home without the visitors

[GnomeDePlume]

Some people are extended family people and some are nuclear family people. They are not very compatible.

When a nuclear family person thinks 'family' they will think that means spouse and children

When an extended family person thinks 'family' they will think that means spouse, children, grand parents, aunts, uncles, cousins.

Add to that if the nuclear family person is an introvert then they will find the 'big' family exhausting. They will need time alone to rebuild their energy.

The extrovert needs the time with others to rebuild their own energy.

The compromise comes from recognising this in each other as a couple. You allow each other the opportunities to do what each needs to do to rebuild energy.

[ChocChocPorridge]

I'm finding this entire thread really interesting.

I've lived abroad most of my adult life, so visits tend to be infrequent, but generally for about a week, 4 days sounds fine to me.

Sure, everyone needs some space, and I'd generally expect both visitors and hosts to occasionally retreat to their bedrooms for some peace and quiet, but I'd also expect an adult to be able to keep it together for that long - especially since the kids love it so much!

I may be an odd case, DP, DS1 and I lived with my PIL for a year when we came back to the UK for a bit, and it was similarly fine, my FIL can be a bit old fashioned, but my MIL is fantastic and we all rubbed along.

[Chattymummyhere]

I would be pulling my hair out at a whole day visit from my inlaws or my on parents.

I like my space and I like my home to feel like my home a safe space not invaded by others, making me on edge and feeling uncomfortable in my safe space.

I'm going to guess this is how your dh feels, if it is it doesn't matter if he goes out for an hour or locks himself away in a different room for a while.. He will feel he is only having to do it because of these extra people, knowing his going to come home to his safe place still invaded, or knowing his going to get it in the neck for shutting himself away for too long.

I can do 2-4 hours having visitors or being a visitor after that I'm ready to run and have a large cold glass of something. To him being there and just being quiet will of been exactly what you wanted not rude but being there tolerating invaders in his safe space.

[WipsGlitter]

I can barely tolerate FiL for four hours so four days is amazing!

[stillwantrachelshair]

Could you re-jig the timings next year? My parents arrived on Thurs & left on Boxing Day morning. They, too, have to travel for several hours to get to us so appreciate being invited for more than two nights but, this way, they spent Thurs & Fri day with me & the DC whilst DH was at work & Fri evening they babysat so DH & I could go out, again lessening DH's exposure to them. For various reasons, we tend to see my parents at Easter. I go a couple of days before the long weekend, DH gets the train on Good Friday, he & I often go away for the night on the Saturday & then home on the Monday. If we don't do it this way, he gets more & more withdrawn as, whilst he doesn't dislike them, he wouldn't choose to spend time with them.
Likewise, I think MIL must be surprised at how unfit I am as, whenever we see her (Xmas Eve until yesterday this year, go away for a week at Easter, a May bank holiday & the August bank holiday) I go for a run. What she doesn't realise is that I rarely run at other times of year but, get so frustrated and wound up in her company, that I have to go & pound the streets. I also have to spend about 45 mins lying with the DC when they go to bed when we stay at hers as they are so unsettled. They're not but, again, I need a break.

[alvinp]

I'm with you on this OP.

My in laws live 4 hours away and we have stayed with them all week. Admittedly I like them but there's no feeling at all that us staying for a week is too long. They come and stay with us from time to time also, usually for several days. It's a bit of a pain as we give them our room and camp in the spare room but seriously I'd never grumble to my DW about it and she never complains when my DPs stay, also usually for several days. In fact my own DPs drive me crazy far more than my inlaws but I cope.

It's part of being a family, surely?

[Kidnapped]

How about putting him in charge of Christmas next year? So he gets to decide what to do, where to go. He also gets to do most of the shopping, cleaning, cooking etc. You can sit on your backside eating toffees.

And then at New Year you can do it your way. Go and see the folks, have them come to you, whatever. And he doesn't get to whinge about it.

And then the year after that, you do Christmas as you want it again. And he doesn't get to whinge about it.

[Fairylea]

I feel for both of you actually op. I think the main problem is the distance your parents live away from you. If they or you lived nearer to each other then you'd see them for shorter periods and more regularly and they would also be able to see the dc around school times presumably sometimes when dh isn't about. But of course that isn't the situation...

Both dh and I don't really get on with each other's families. There is absolutely no way either of us would even consider spending 4 days with our in laws. We were recently locked out of our house and the thought of having to stay at our in laws for one night bought up both out in panic.. I know that sounds utterly awful but that's how we both feel. Both sets of in laws are actually quite nice people, I think it's just hard being around people non stop if they're not your own family.

I was previously married and my now exes mum used to come and stay with us for days at a time. She was very loud and chatty and just the total opposite to me. I used to absolutely dread her visits, after a long week at work I really resented then having to accommodate her in my home. I could never completely relax. I once spent the whole weekend repainting a bathroom I'd only just decorated just so I didn't have to be around her. Sometimes the feelings really are that intense.

I think it's really difficult op.

[Pollyanna9]

No that certainly sounds very reasonable to help him manage his exposure so to speak!
Did he take you up on it?

Maybe now you've started talking about it and got things back to a bit more of an even keel you could set out together how it would look to have Xmas next year - how would it look in his mind, how it would look in your mind, how practically and in detail you can define what is/isn't ok and would help both of you to be happier during it? Create a specification for Christmas I suppose.

Hope you get it sorted as of course you'll want your parents round of course you will.

Does he really miss his parents at Christmas?

[peckishbabysitter]

No! He is absolutely not expected to be 'on duty' all the time. I urged him to have an
evening out with friends and we agreed he would retreat when necessary (tho I did ask him not to disappear for hours on end). He also gets a lie-in every day while I get up with the kids and do breakfast for everyone.

I honestly don't believe I could have done much more to try to smooth things over, other than simply not to invite my family, which many of you seem to think would be best.