How do I make my narcissistic mother leave my flat?

[purplewild60]

Please help. I am a 30 year old daughter of a narcissistic mother who is probably so far on the spectrum she is knocking on the door of a full blown personality disorder with antisocial and OCD traits. She pushed me hard to achieve academic excellence, and I did it - got good grades, good university and graduated with a promising career ahead of me. Although to friends I was calm, collected and fun no one ever met my mother and behind the scenes she was a needy, selfish, paranoid control freak.

Cutting quite a long story short that would require several posts (and probably years of therapy), my mother has used many ways to control me e.g. making my rent a really expensive flat because she liked it, so I couldn’t save for my own place or to buy anything big without asking her for money. She made me give her my bank details, initially so she could “help me move money around” but basically was a way for her to check up on me. I opened another bank account in secret and when she found out she went mad, crying that I don’t trust her and that I must be doing something shady if I didn’t want her to see my outgoings! She also made a record of everything she ever spent on me and said that I needed to pay her back this sum after graduating. We agreed on an amount each month I would give her, even though she didn’t need the money but wanted to recoup her “investment”.

Things came to a head recently when I didn’t pick up her phone and she got annoyed so drew out £2000 from my bank account putting me into overdraft. It was the last straw so I cancelled all my bank accounts that she could access. She says she is entitled to any money I have because she bought me up, and it isn’t enough to pay back all the money I owe her anyhow. After this, I decided I needed to really start removing her hold on my life She has a key to my flat so I changed the locks. When I told her, she just laughed and said “I’ll get a locksmith or knock the door down, you can’t keep me out”. She also says she “helped me choose” this stupidly expensive flat and she has loads of stuff in there so she feels it is as much her flat as mine.

I stuck to my guns, and left the locks changed. I told her we shouldn’t spend Christmas together as things were so bad between us, it hurt so much to do this but she just wouldn’t accept it saying she had booked train tickets so was going to come anyway. I then got a call to say she was outside, had called a locksmith to come, and would deduct the cost of this from the money I owe (seriously?!). It’s all my fault for ruining her Christmas and she is going to make me pay. Luckily I had decided to move all my important stuff out of the flat and stay with friends over Christmas to avoid a confrontation.

I have gone over there in the night and can see the lights on in my flat, so she wasn't bluffing - this woman has illegally gotten into my flat and is staying in there against my will! She has probably changed the locks on me now! Despite very supportive close friends, this has been a dark cloud on my Christmas. After telling me she is inside my flat, I have had no contact with her, she didn’t even call on Christmas day.

I really don’t know what to do at this stage. I have no idea how long she will be in there for, or what she is doing in there. I think her plan is probably to wait me out, and make me beg to get inside my own flat. I have a lot of my things and a place to stay if I need it, but I can’t let her squat there forever. I am still paying the rent and responsible for any damage in the flat until my tenancy is up. I need to break the radio silence and call her up/go over there but I am petrifed of even seeing her right now. Some have told me the only resort is the police, but I have such a deep sense of shame about telling them this crazy drama, I’m also scared they won’t be able to help me, or that my mother will create a huge scene with all my neighbours watching.

If anyone has any kind of similar experience about getting rid of an unwanted person from your property, I would appreciate any advice. It’s especially difficult as she does a great old lady act, she knows I have a lot at stake and she has threatened to sit outside my building or my workplace telling everyone I'm a whore and a thief because I owe her money, and that I am willing to kick my own mother out of my place.

OP I have been thinking about you over the holidays.

In a weird, we've-never-met way, I'm very proud of you for going to the police and making a start on all this mess.

You have been so strong, and you must continue to be for a while longer until there is a resolution, whatever that may be.

Glad to read you're getting done professional help aswell. There's a lot of unravelling to be done and you couldn't possibly manage it on your own.

Keep posting here if you find it helpful and best of luck for 2017 and beyond.

Tell people/work your mother has significant mental health problems - which necessitated police intervention/charge over Christmas bcs of significant harassment at your property. You don't have to go into detail (if you don't want to), just give it a heading that others /work recognise and can action protection in the workplace.

Her behaviour isn't you. She has schooled you into believing she and you are one. You are not. So you don't need to feel her shame. The charge you actioned over Christmas was a very significant, and brave, step towards separating you from her.

I've been thinking about you a lot too Purple

Nobody could possibly deal with what you're going through alone so it's a great idea to get some professional help for you to unravel yourself from her damage to you and your life. I also think it would help you to open up a bit to other people.

I strongly advise you to tell your boss, requesting confidentiality, because your mother may well be able to cause damage to your work reputation unless they are aware of what she might do or say. You don't have to tell them everything, but you could say that your mother is going through a mental health breakdown and may try to contact your work maliciously. I think you'd feel relieved not to be the only one expecting that phone call or email.

Look after yourself.

Unless your boss is a total twat, I would give him a very edited short version, so if it happens, he is already forewarned. Are you able, though, to take a little time off? You've been through so much this last fortnight.

In the mean time, if she kicks off, think about a non molestation order. Post in Legal, there are several family solicitors around (including me) who can give you help.

Oh OP I'm so aorru you've had to go through this. You have been very strong.

Yes to having a quiet word with your boss. Mention mental health crisis and you don't want to go into details but they may get some strange calls.

I would also do a credit check on your name at your address and hers. It would seem very likely she has taken out loans and credit in your name.

Purple, you have been through hell and you are doing SO well. You are amazingly strong! It's also clear that you are a very good person and you really want the best for your mother (as evidenced by your paying hundreds of pounds for her taxi) but I think the best thing right now is definitely to cut contact completely for the foreseeable future. If she can get arrested by six police officers and spend 24 hours in custody and STILL think that she's in the right, then I'm afraid she's far beyond listening to any kind of reason right now.

There's a real sense of shame and embarrassment coming through in your posts, which is completely understandable, but you really don't need to be embarrassed at all. No one will think any less of you if you tell them about this, I promise. If anything they'll be amazed that you've been dealing with it for so long! I know you don't want to tell your friends right now, but I do think that mentioning it to your workplace would be wise. It really doesn't have to be a big conversation, you can just explain that you are estranged from your mother for reasons you don't want to go into.

I also agree that talking your boss would be a good idea, as much or as little as you feel able. Could you look also to see if there are any counselling services you might be able to access through work, I know we have one that doesn't have to be about work related issues.

I hope this is a better year for you, new year, new start.

Sudden thought OP, can you tell your insurers about the car situation? If the car isn't registered to you, it may invalidate your policy, which would make driving an offence.

Bloody hell that sounds awful and her changing your car into her name sounds awful. I really hope she leaves you alone x

my god Purple, I thought my mother was difficult and controlling (she's done the car thing to me before so that I couldn't have it at my own home in London and she took it back to her house, thinking it would make me move back there). I am in awe of your approach and calm here - magnificent.

Please tell either your boss or HR at work so that they can look after you - if you have security guys anything like the ones at my place, they will delighted to rally around you. It isn't even particularly necessary to say it's your mother - "a person" has been arrested and spent time in custody for breaking into your flat over Christmas, and you have concerns that they may approach you in the office. Best of luck.

Re. professional help.

Therapy and counselling is a huge field. For deeper family issues I would recommend a psychotherapist of some kind. There are different types - e.g. psychodynamic, Jungian. There are also more "person-centred counsellors" though I am unconvinced they would understand personality disorders. I personally think psychodynamic (and possibly Jungian who are rather more rare and expensive!) are the more useful and deep for this kind of issue. However, even experienced and qualified psychotherapists differ in quality, and you also need to find a match that suits you personally. This can take a few sessions to clarify, so don't be concerned about it taking your time, and if it doesn't look like a match to move on and find someone who is.

purple you are an amazeballs lady. What you have done takes a lot of courage and I am full of admiration - stay strong

Wow I've been on Mumsnet years and this is by far the most shocking post ever. It's like she views you as an extension to herself and she has rights to what's yours. Very concerning and she may end up detained under the mental health act if she carries on. For you op,

Happy new year. It may not seem it now but this will be an amazing year for you now you are finally breaking free. You can learn to live again xx

P.S. And I forgot to add - re. that shocking scene over the holidays. Really sorry you had to deal with it. But when you witness extreme behaviour it can be a wake-up call. Narcissists can behave terribly at holidays, I know. Hopefully, now, this time is yours for healing

I'm late to this thread but another one with a similar mum.

Re therapy: you need to take care of yourself a bit here too. It's a brilliant idea and I completely recommend it, but there are some absolutely shit people out there who will say (and have said to me) "just forgive and forget, she's your mum after all".

Take some time chatting to the person you're booking an appointment with and sound them out a little before opening up too much; if possible ask if they have experience of narcissistic relatives, or toxic parents, or know anyone locally who does.

And if they say anything along the lines of the above, DO NOT LISTEN. Do not take that in and beat yourself up like I once did. Some people, even trained counsellors, simply do not "get it", unfathomable though that seems - I guess they come from a home with very loving parents and simply can't understand it.

You know damn well that your mum is abusive and by some standards out of her mind, and it's not healthy to try and make yourself think otherwise. But you can talk this out and feel "better" in a way in time, honest. It took me completely emotionally detaching from her but it's the best thing I've done in my life.

Please speak to your boss when you go back to work - it will remove some of the fear if you know you have their support. You have been amazing in taking steps to get this situation resolved, well done x

I would also do a credit check on your name at your address and hers. It would seem very likely she has taken out loans and credit in your name.

This sounds like a good idea.

OP, I'm keeping my fingers crossed that this year is better for you. I agree with much of the advice you've been given, and hope you can get the car issue sorted quickly.

If I were your boss, knowing even an edited version of this situation would help me in setting up things to reduce any disruption, eg different extension, perhaps adjusting the email address, alerting Reception, etc. There are so many small things that could be done.

Ultimately, you may want to consider a new job. Draw a line underneath the past and leave it there. You may have a wobble at times, and quite probably will grieve for a mum you should have had but didn't. But this lady isn't someone you need in your life, things will only get worse if she's around.

Another one here op who wants to applaud your bravery and courage and wish you all the best.

If I was your boss I would never think the worse of you in any way for letting me know a little of what has gone on and I'd bend over backwards to support you in any way I could.

I do hope you'll be able to tell them and you will be in my thoughts, as you'll be with many others on here, and if you ever feel wobbly just remember we are all here for you, backing you up and urging you on.

If there have been any posts on here that have been particularly helpful, print and save so you can be reminded whenever you need it how amazing you are and that your mother's atrocious behaviour and doubtless severe mental health problems are Not Your Fault and Not Your Problem to deal with.

(I'm now doing some kind of strange Wonder Woman salute to send you positive vibes)

I'd be getting a restraining order...

You have been extemly strong.
Don't underestimate just how how much leverage you have now she has been arrested with 6 officers as witness.

You can mention to your boss if needed
You can mention to the dvlA/ your insurers
You can menton to credit agencies. If she taken credit in your name you can tell the lenders where to look and tell them about the arrest.
As an aside You can always take her to the small claims court for your £2000.

As horrible as it might have been, her arrest is an absolute godsend.

Might also be worth visiting all the local lock smiths with a photo and explain what happend so they wont help her in future if she tries again.

I'm really glad you went to the police. The scene she threw must have been awful to live through, but I can assure you that it will fade in the memory of your neighbours (who are only thinking badly of the screaming mad woman) and it is will eventually be less awful for you to remember, as well. And you will move on and never see those neighbours again anyway.

I definitely think that you will benefit from talking to your employer. I think it's likely she'll follow through on her threats, but I am sure your employers won't think badly of you.

Try to focus on your own needs - protecting and repairing your credit, etc.

You may feel up to explaining to your friends what's going on at some point, but no need to now.

Another chiming in with "well done!" - stay strong. It's far from over, but you've taken an amazing first step. Just keep on keeping on.

Lots of good advice here, about protecting yourself from further harm and starting to heal yourself too.

In general I worry a bit about pathologising someone's behavior, though completely understandable of course. Your mother probably is very troubled but I think it can end up excusing (inexcusable) behavior on the grounds of mental health, and/or stigmatizing mental health issues even more than they already are. You don't have to be 'mad' to be abusive and cruel. And abusing others through manipulation and mind games isn't something that goes hand in hand with the majority of mental illness.

I guess what I'm saying is it needs some care when linking such abusive and cruel behavior to mental health, especially where there is no diagnosis or clinical input. It's a difficult area to work through, and one that might take you quite a while to unravel into a narrative that feels right to explain your situation.

Personally, I have ended up believing my mother does have some kind of mental health problem which she must have had some awareness of but chose to leave it untreated and entirely unchecked throughout her life as a mother.

I have also decided that my mother cannot be excused due to 'mental health', as it was her own decision to leave her issues untreated and let her warped world view and desire to hurt me rule her. She chose that path and I do believe she had the insight to know that what she was doing wasn't right and to have sought out help - if she had put anyone else above her own self. The lies and cruelty towards a little vulnerable and innocent child, and the acts of cowardice and shocking denial that have wreaked havoc on so many people's lives (and deaths)... no, I do not believe an entirely 'sane' or healthy woman would have done that. But I also don't believe a truly kind, nice, ethical person would have done that either, in spite of mental health difficulties. She isn't mad enough to be exempt from the consequences of her own actions over the course of the last three or four decades.

But everyone will be different, and although you'll be wanting to leave the past behind you, it's worth spending some bounded amounts of time and effort understanding what happened to you and laying it to rest that way. Sadly running fast in the opposite direction doesn't work as a way of leaving it all behind you (which is really annoying!).

It took me a long time to be able to get the insight into my own childhood and to find the words that allowed me to break free of the grip she had on me. Up until that point I couldn't get people to understand the 'wrongness' of my childhood and did get a lot of 'oh all family's have problems' and other minimizing and damaging stuff. It's as I've got older I've been able to understand how damaging and awful my childhood was, and the roles people played in that.

It was only when I'd reached that point that counselling worked, as I couldn't make myself heard above the assumptions and beliefs around motherhood that various counsellors held.

So I would emphasize the need to get a counsellor/ therapist who doesn't let their own beliefs dismiss your experiences - that person needs to be able to approach the situation with a basic understanding that your mother abused you terribly. Full stop.

By the way don't ask potential counsellors/therapists about their own mothers/ personal lives! It would be considered to cross the boundaries of the therapist - client relationship and wouldn't go down well at all. Ask about their professional experience and how they'd approach the situation, what kind of issues they'd think would be raised by this situation etc.

I'm still trying to repair the damage my mother did, I suspect it's something that will take a lifetime, but it's still worth doing for my own wellbeing and potential... as it would be for you too, if you feel it would help you

Good post Misc and to clarify about my post, I didn't mean ask them about their personal lives but about their professional experiences. Some are better and more experienced with (say) couples counselling than parental abuse. Just like some specialise with kids.

(Incidentally one of my therapists DID tell me a great deal about her mum, felt like I was counselling her really. Another counselling red-flag there.)