OH went out last night and came back at 9am this morning

[Sarahjane1994]

My OH went on a works do last night. He went out at 9pm yesterday and didn't come home till 9am this morning. I was whatsapping him from 6am asking where he was and he was reading the messages but not replying. He came home and has gone straight to bed. I had so much planned for today (we have a 1 year old and he has a 7 year old that I was taking care of all yesterday btw) and now he's sleeping off his hangover and won't speak to me. I opened his xmas present that I saved up for ages for and chucked it on the bed next to him and said 'merry christmas' but he didn't even look he just threw it on the floor.

His 7 year old has gone home now and my 1 year old is having a nap. I keep getting upset and I just know it's going to be the worst christmas ever.

I don't know how to react. It's not the first time he's done this. Ive gone mad at him before and it never works he still does it.
If I go out which is very rare he interrogates me about other men etc. I wouldn't dare stay out, he would literally be accusing me of all sorts now if I pulled a stunt like that.

What are your thoughts on this situation please?

Thanks and happy xmas eve x

I am overwhelmed by so many responses all saying the same thing so you can't all be wrong. I wouldn't want my daughter with someone like that so I guess that's my wake up call. My plan after this is to get through christmas and then call women's aid and see what they say. A phone call can't hurt. I know it won't be easy but if it's worth it in the long run then Ill take it.
Thanks again I hope you all have a good Christmas x

You are exposing your daughter to:
violence against her mother
aggression in the house
a man who can't cntrol his temper and uses it to bully
a man who has no respect for women
a man who is a criminal

Incidentally - will you be allowed to teach in a primary school if you are living with/married to a man who has a crimimal record for violence?

LTB

Please leave sweetheart, it will get worse I promise you. You deserve better than this

It's more like grabbing me by the throat or pinning me down or grabbing my hair. I only really have him and he knows it

OP this is appalling. You are worth more than this.
Imagine your DD in this situation with a man- what would your advice to her be?

You need to be strong if not for you then your daughter.
Be a strong role model, don't let her grow up thinking that it's OK to treat women like this.

As AF you have made a huge mistake having a baby with a loser like this but it's not too late to remedy it and it sounds like you have a promising future.

He is not a good dad by the way. Good dads don't grab their partners around the neck!

"He is anti cheating"

Funnily enough that's a common trait from me who....cheat!

Sarah,

I read this and thought it was going to be a stayed out all night and then a LTB response from MN, but then I read further.

DV is not acceptable in any relationship, ever, and the smashing up stuff in the house is all part of the power and control of Domestic Abuse, the same reason he is saying that he will not let you move on with someone else.

There is an offence of controlling or coercive behaviour - not knowing the full circumstance I cannot comment fully, but it sounds like this could be something to be looked at.

Contact a solicitor about obtaining a Non Molestation Order (nmo) - I would say this is what the ex had, as well as an occupation order. Both are orders from s court, they will stop him contacting you and give you the right to live in the house.

This situation will not change while you remain in it, he holds the power, and you need to show him you will not allow it.

Op..Let me tell you my ex strangled me while DS was in my arms.. I had to call the police to get out the house.. I made excuses like you did..WE both received letters from SS saying it WAS damaging to my child to witness it. He came back and it was a few months later I left when he ripped the washer door off, my baby had a startled scared look on his face and ex said he wasn't scared because he wasn't crying.. That was the day I left.. We moved to a refuge. It was shocking to see my baby physically relax... He was been traumatised living in that atmosphere.

This is not going to get better. Can I also say as much as I have struggled doing it on my own it is far easier than having to walk on eggshells.

Do ring womens aid. You need to understand this is not ok for you or your child and there is a way out.

PLEASE don't leave the phone calls until after Xmas. Please make the start today.

Stay safe Sarah and let us know how you get on, all the best

op if you want to be a primary school teacher you will have to have a childcare disqualification check. This will include information on anyone you live with and any criminal convictions they have. You say your partner was in jail for breaking the terms of a restraining order, plus he is violent towards you. Please don't let this man fuck up your future career, as well as hurting you and your DC. You need to get out of this relationship. Listen to the people on here. Many of them have been their and know what they are talking about.

Info on checks here: www.safeguardinginschools.co.uk/disqualification-by-association-february-2015/

It sounds like he has a live in nanny, sorry OP.
He should have been with his child, I think Cunt is the word to describe someone like him.
Don't let him treat you like this, you are worth far better.
Don't let history repeat itself your dd deserves much better as did you

Oh dear I read your updates.

My mother stayed with my father. To this day, I still wished she left him and sheltered me from that person, who wasn't violent either of course, he just had a bit of a temper. He died years ago and all I felt was relief. I felt so guilty for years about it. My mother still think he was a good dad and I don't say anything to her, I don't want to make her feel bad to have allowed a man to mess me up so much. I grew up dreaming that they would divorce and my mother and I would have a nice life. My sister fell into drugs and it killed her.

I am not trying to scare you. But you need to open your eyes and give your precious little girl a good chance in life. You are both so young, an amazing life is at your door if you just decide that this has to stop. You owe it to your daughter. You got the responsibility to keep her away from violent people the day she was born. Your partner too, but he is too much of a loser to be able to keep her safe. He is the danger. Leave him!

Op, when you start applying for primary school jobs you will have to diclose that you are cohabiting with someone with a conviction for violence. It may work against your application. Is he worth that ?

Why don't you leave now while he's asleep?

pinky I agree- walk out now. At least you can salvage some christmas for you and your DD.

This is so horrifying Sarah I really feel for you and your little girl. Please listen to the wise advice from everyone. I have no experience or advice I can give but want to echo everyone in saying this is not ok and not normal.

Just because he's not violent to DD (yet) doesn't make it ok to stay. He could kill you. And then he'd be bringing her up. Please leave right now before he wakes up. If I've read right he has at least 2 other children already and clearly shows them a lack of care/interest and he must have some level of power over you to explain the prison time as almost a positive thing 'cos he was just trying to see his kid'.

Can you step back from this. Imagine your DD is 22 and tells you this exact story about her partner? What would you tell her to do?

She needs somewhere to walk out TO.

When she speaks to WA they will encourage her to make a planned exit if at all possible.

if he ever lost his temper with my little one then I'd be straight out the door on my way to the police station

You need to look after yourself in order to be able to look after her. Leaving him is the best thing you can do for her.

It will be difficult in the short to medium term, but set that against a lifetime of being treated like this and it is worth it.

If you stay with him you are repeating your won childhood.

Or indeed a planned ousting of the partner.

Manumission

Even a hotel is a better option atm. To let him recover from his binge and come to his senses.

And I agree , don't wait after Christmas. Call today, now. While you have the courage and have that realisation something is wrong.

What will happen if he wakes up and realise he did something wrong and have one of his little loss of temper because he doesn't want to admit it?

With DV, every day counts. Today is the best day to act

Please call women's aid for some support.

1. Extreme jealousy and insecurity: always demanding to know where someone is, who they are talking to, who they see, where they go.

1. Social isolation: attempting to control who someone is allowed to spend time with, speak to, or hang out with.

1. Violation of another person’s privacy: placing monitoring software on computers or phones, tracking them with GPS trackers, demanding passwords to social media accounts.

1. Gaslighting: Undermining a person’s memory, experiences, subjective thoughts or feelings.

1. Destroying personal property belonging to the victim.

1. Controlling the abuse victim’s finances: demanding access to all the victim’s bank accounts, demanding that the victim sign over paychecks, refusing to allow the victim to have or manage his or her own money.

1. Threats of violence: Controls the victim by threatening the victim physically, or by threatening self-harm (“I will kill myself if you leave me”).

1. Acts of violence.

1. Sexual violence: Violation of the victim’s sexual boundaries.

10. Verbal abuse: Degrades, insults, or screams at the victim; humiliates the victim in front of others.

Report everything. EVERYTHING, minimise NOTHING. You want to do your damndest to make sure that your 1 yr old doesn't end up in the position his 7 yr old just did. Don't tell people he isn't violent when he is. Don't tell them he's a good father when he is not (was he a good father to either of his children last night/this morning?! NO)

I think what people mean by 'good father' in this context is that their child likes him (all children tend to like their parents, often especially one they are scared to displease), he hasn't yet been violent to the child directly, and that he plays with the child sometimes and says nice things. Maybe they only say he's a good father because he has repeated it so often they think it is true.

It is not. A good father wouldn't cause his children to live in a home with violence and aggression. He wouldn't threaten their mother into being frightened to leave. He wouldn't get sent to prison for breaking a restraining order. He wouldn't go out on a bender when he has contact.

Do you maybe think his ex had a good reason for trying to prevent contact? If he was grabbing her by the throat and pinning her down and threatening her to prevent her leaving?

Please seek help sooner rather than later.

Hands on your neck is a really bad sign...my friend was killed by her partner when he strangled her. It apparently takes a very small amount of force to cause death by strangulation.
Please don't allow your daughter to be another child with a dead mother and a father in prison for her murder.

Sorry to be so blunt but your child will be so much happier and safer in a world with just you. Please protect her xx