OH went out last night and came back at 9am this morning

[Sarahjane1994]

My OH went on a works do last night. He went out at 9pm yesterday and didn't come home till 9am this morning. I was whatsapping him from 6am asking where he was and he was reading the messages but not replying. He came home and has gone straight to bed. I had so much planned for today (we have a 1 year old and he has a 7 year old that I was taking care of all yesterday btw) and now he's sleeping off his hangover and won't speak to me. I opened his xmas present that I saved up for ages for and chucked it on the bed next to him and said 'merry christmas' but he didn't even look he just threw it on the floor.

His 7 year old has gone home now and my 1 year old is having a nap. I keep getting upset and I just know it's going to be the worst christmas ever.

I don't know how to react. It's not the first time he's done this. Ive gone mad at him before and it never works he still does it.
If I go out which is very rare he interrogates me about other men etc. I wouldn't dare stay out, he would literally be accusing me of all sorts now if I pulled a stunt like that.

What are your thoughts on this situation please?

Thanks and happy xmas eve x

OP evidently still had her phone and enough privacy to post AFTER he discovered the thread so that's some cause for optimism.

Sarah if you don't leave you will end up with one hell of a damaged daughter, and spend the rest of your life feeling horrendous guilt for not having the courage to leave him and allowing her a normal life.
I speak from experience on this sadly. I stayed in an abusive relationship, he was foul to me but great to my children..or so I told myself. They never saw or heard anything so it was fine right? What I load of crap!
My daughter had a breakdown at age 14 and was taken into a mental health hospital for over a year. She had since been diagnosed with complex post traumatic stress disorder. How do you think it feels for her knowing her mother didn't keep herself safe or that she let her children stay in this situation? How do you think I feel every day looking at my daughter who is now registered as disabled because of her severe mental health issues and reliance on medication caused in part by myself being a damn idiot, weak and in denial not putting her and my other children first and getting to safety? Can you live with this? Let me tell you this is the reality. It does and is affecting your daughter. It's neglect. You have 2 choices here, out this man first or your child. They cannot exist together. By choosing to stay you are choosing to cause harm to your daughter, mentally at best, physically at worst. Don't be me please!!!

For me the hitting was the easiest to deal with.
The constant grind of mental and emotional abuse (which started way before the physical, and was harder to identify) left me feeling far more powerless and confused.
How long until he stops your studies? He will not want you to have a career and that level of independence.
Please get in touch with a domestic abuse helpline for advice.

If you won't leave, at least send your child away.

This will all end so very, very badly.

You really do need to leave. And fast.
You have a choice to put up with abuse. Your daughter doesn't. Do what's best for her and you.

Man did he discover the thread? I missed that..

Oh..just read it.

So hopefully she'll just call WA now. No need for cheap second phones if he's already aware something is up and having to guard her phone.

Sarah if he is as volatile as you have said, I'm not sure why you are reassuring people here (who you don't know) that you will "try and update tomorrow".

If this situation is as you describe, you have your priorities all wrong.

Please remember that we are all here for you and want the safest outcome for you and your DD. You MUST put her first and make that break x

OP I've been following this thread, and like everyone else have been worried for your safety.

This just appeared at the bottom of an article I was reading -

www.itv.com/news/calendar/update/2016-12-29/man-remanded-in-custody-over-fatal-stabbing-of-bradford-woman/

Don't want to scaremonger - but please don't be a statistic. This wasn't even major news - I just happened to notice it buried in amongst other "bigger" news items.

So you now can't even have a takeaway without him losing his temper at you. Because what? You were "up to something" ? He threw stuff around, and grabbed your phone and sent you to bed (are you a child to be sent to bed for bad behaviour?)

Bant wrote this:

He's going to kill you, one day, you realise that, don't you? Some man is going to look at you, and he'll fly into a rage and strangle you. Possibly in front of your daughter.

I agree. Please don't become another statistic, Sarah. And don't allow your daughter to become a victim - either of his violence herself, or losing her mother to his violence. You are absolutely responsible for her welfare.

Ps the events in that news article happened on Boxing Day. It happened since you started this thread.

It scares me that the op is training to be a teacher. She will one day be responsible for vulnerable children like her 7 yr old stepdaughter. How could she help that child when she won't even protect her own.
The tenancy is in her name, the house is smashed up. She's educated and articulate and he has a conviction for breaching a restraining order for a previous partner. She could be rid of him if she wanted.

sarah you will never be able to do enough to keep his temper at bay. He will find or create things to be angry at you about - like he did last night, you will never be able to do enough, be nice enough, be well behaved enough. He's an abuser and he needs to find faults with you so he can control you and frighten you. Keep you in your place and keep himself the boss. That is how he dominates you. That's not a normal relationship. Your relationship is not fair or balanced and it never will be, he is an abuser and he always will be. He will not change and it will not improve - he won't wake up one morning and decide to stop abusing you. The damage is already done.

You really need to wake up to this fact, that there can be no reasoning with him, there can be no compromising with him. You can't win with him and you won't. Best case scenario - you stay and live a life in constant fear of the next blow up, he continues to chip away at your mental health and your self esteem, he continues to abuse you, and your DD grows up to be utterly fucked up by her abusive upbringing, because she'll watch you be abused, and then he'll abuse her too.
The worst case scenario is that he'll murder you, and possibly her.

Read this thread over and over. Listen to women on here who've been through this. Please please please don't bury your head in the sand and trick yourself into thinking you and him are different, and everyone else is wrong.

Firstly, I pray this is a wind up.
Secondly, I could have written this. New Years Eve 2014 I tricked OH into leaving the house briefly and I packed three kids and our most valuable stuff in the car and fled. I hate to use that word, but that's what it was. (Big thanks to the Mumsnetters who encouraged me that night 💐). I had lots of worries and doubts and 'what ifs' going through my mind for months/ years beforehand. I knew he was violent and dangerous but he is predominantly lazy. None of the immediate worries I had ever came to light. It was the best thing I ever did but the scariest and it took three years to eventually do it. Don't waste that much time, your OH sounds very likely to carry out his threats much sooner.
I know you must be terrified and he has been your source of comfort as well as fear. You must be worn down and exhausted especially at this time of year. My best advice to you would be listen carefully to women who have shared their stories with you on this thread. They know your OH without ever having laid eyes on him because for want of a better expression, abusive men follow a script. You won't fix him. You would have better luck turning a dog into a cat. You can however drastically increase your chances of having a happy life. Once you get away, he is likely to prey on a new unsuspecting female like last time. If you don't leave today, make a plan to gather important documents and things you can't live without and leave when you have a good window period. Women's refuges are 100% on what they were twenty years ago. They are equipped with resources to help you transition as smoothly as possible. Your situation won't be new to them and they will have answers to your concerns and worries. I wish you both the best of luck x

He got pissed so much that on Christmas Eve he couldn't come home until 6am then instead of spending Christmas Day with a lovely young woman and his beautiful kids he had to sleep off the booze so what's the big deal?

Well as a man I'll tell you. This is the behaviour of a total dick. I don't even get to spend Christmas with my sons so I don't even bother with it because it absolutely rips me soul to shreds my current partner goes to her family abroad because she knows how despite me making every effort in the past the magic is permanently destroyed for me.
I don't even drink at Christmas despite having every reason to drown myself in it.
The fact that he had that opportunity and chose not to engage with it means that he doesn't deserve it. That would be bad enough at 20 but at 30.....
Get rid girl you deserve better. I don't often say that but this is going to be something that you can't work out. His mates seem like a bunch of total dicks as well. You and your children will be far better off out of such nonsense, take it from one who knows.

And having read the rest of this thread I reiterate it even more. Men like this only get worse. I had a friend years ago, beautiful she was, had a partner who used to smash her flat up and would then swear her loved her. The age gap was roughly the same, some people are just born evil.
Well one day around Christmastime about 20 or so years ago he loved her to death at a railway station with an express train coming. She left behind an eight year old daughter. They could never prove that he'd killed her and he's still around somewhere.
I saw him for exactly what he was and warned her when she first started the relationship that he'd be the death of her. There's not a day goes by when I don't think of her and I'll never stop missing her till my time comes. We'd been friends since we were 10.
I'm telling you this story even though I don't know you because I don't want history repeating itself.
You deserve better as does your daughter and so did she and her daughter.

OP how are you? Your post yesterday about accepting the situation & not making him angry was alarming.
No one should have to live that way. His ex managed to get away so you can too.

Just rtft with a thumping heart, PLEASE get out of there. He has brainwashed you, he is controlling you and he will hurt you. Please go somewhere safe for the sake of your daughter. You both deserve better.

Reading this with absolute horror, OP. Please get help to get away from this thug!

(BTW a DBS showing Disclosure by Association is only for positions involving children under 5. So a Primary school - yrs 3-6 - will not require it. And it is being withdrawn anyway)

hope you update soon with good news OP.
Or at least to say you are still alive. I know that sounds melodramatic but we can all see this situation for what it is. You are too involved to see the wood for the trees.

I also agree it is worrying you want to be a teacher - and I speak as someone who is applying for the PGDE this year. You will be responsible for the safe guarding of 30 children when tbh right now your not doing that for your one blood child. That should seriously give you food for thought and make you realise you are not making the right choices.

You seem like a great person, but it's time to get your head screwed on. Time to act for you and for your daughter. Stop making choices designed to please this absolute scum that you are calling a partner. He is a vile and clearly a vicious person and will do nothing apart from continuing with his shit behaviour towards you which will result in you having a very fucked up child. Be the parent she deserves and do something.

OP- this is not what happens in normal relationships - not any of it.

DH and I have a 2 year old. DH has never smashed anything, never been aggressive in any way, never called me names, accused me of anything, looked at my phone, sworn at me, spoken to me abusively, grabbed me, pushed me, damaged my things, trayed me with anything other than respect. What you describe is violence, aggression, abusive, threatening, controllng, disrespectful, bullying beahviour that feels as if he us often on the edge of an explosion of sheer rage where you could end up seriously hurt or even dead.
GET OUT NOW. MOVE AWAY TO ANOTHER PLACE. Please!

Like others have read this in horror and I want to add to the voices encouraging you to protect your precious little girl. It's true what people say about the horrifying number of (little reported) killings by men like this. If you leave you will get help and it will be ok, the key thing here is to remember his ex got rid of him, he will likely move onto grooming his next victim with a sob story about what a cow you are.
You have so much potential for a bright future for you and your daughter. Hope that gives you some strength. X