OH went out last night and came back at 9am this morning

[Sarahjane1994]

My OH went on a works do last night. He went out at 9pm yesterday and didn't come home till 9am this morning. I was whatsapping him from 6am asking where he was and he was reading the messages but not replying. He came home and has gone straight to bed. I had so much planned for today (we have a 1 year old and he has a 7 year old that I was taking care of all yesterday btw) and now he's sleeping off his hangover and won't speak to me. I opened his xmas present that I saved up for ages for and chucked it on the bed next to him and said 'merry christmas' but he didn't even look he just threw it on the floor.

His 7 year old has gone home now and my 1 year old is having a nap. I keep getting upset and I just know it's going to be the worst christmas ever.

I don't know how to react. It's not the first time he's done this. Ive gone mad at him before and it never works he still does it.
If I go out which is very rare he interrogates me about other men etc. I wouldn't dare stay out, he would literally be accusing me of all sorts now if I pulled a stunt like that.

What are your thoughts on this situation please?

Thanks and happy xmas eve x

You'd hope so, but people can't say it didn't happen, it's not like that because it did and was to her.

We can say it doesn't happen.

It would be dangerous and irresponsible not to.

Thank you x
I really have no need to lie about my experience (I don't know why anyone would). If it had been positive I would happily share it but sadly it really wasn't. My siblings will never speak of it because they don't like to talk about it.
However, i'm sure there are great refuges out there that have helped thousands of women. My experience was over 10 years ago so hopefully the place I stayed at has improved by now x

You don't have to go to a refuge. You can get the police to remove him from your house. It sounds like hed kick off and end up being arrested. Saying that, just because the refuge you stayed in was bad doesn't mean they all are. Anything has to be better than staying where yoy are and risking both of your lives.

Make the phone call. Nothing will change until you get some outside help.

Are you close to your siblings, OP?

There's a reason why his ex was awarded a restraining order and it's not because she wanted to block access to his son. You have to present evidence in court of violence, stalking etc. before you can get one. Without even knowing the ins and outs of it I can tell you he didn't breach it because he wanted to see his child, he used the child as an excuse to gain access to his ex and continue terrorising her. It's also highly likely, as he got a custodial sentence, that this was either not the first breach, or it was an extreme breach with physical violence. He doesn't care about seeing his son, or he wouldn't have gone out on the piss all day and then spent the following day in bed, leaving you to look after his child.

It is sad that you had such an awful experience, but you said you are 22, so when you were 8 means that happened 16 years ago. There are many safe and supportive refuges and other options for you.

www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk/

www.safe-services.org.uk/

I'm not saying it won't be really tough, but you DC won't remember if you do it now. Find out what your options are and plan your escape.

To put it bluntly otherwise, when will you. When he smashes your head through a door, when he stabs you, when your child hears your screams or when he starts on DC? You must get yourself somewhere safe for you and DC's future. Doesn't your child deserve to grow up in a stable, loving, non-abusive home?

I realise now about the restraining order. When he first told me he made out like a victim being kept from his child and my heart actually went out to him. I know there is more to it than what he says. He told me he didn't care about her it was all for his son and that he just wanted to be at home with him. But I know it wasn't just that. But then if what he did to her was really serious or violent why does she let his son come Friday evening to Sunday night. That's what I keep wondering. When she picked up their son on xmas eve she said he used to stay out all night when they were together aswell and that I should rid x

I know the best time is to do it now whilst she wont remember any of it x

Maybe she is as much in denial as you?
He is seriously violent towards you and you are allowing your child to live with him all the time.

I am glad you realised that there was more to that story. Just because she reported it initially doesn't mean she doesn't see the danger. Maybe she is in denial, or feels its safe because you are there, or maybe she would rather go out and party than make sure her kid is totally safe or maybe its just easier to agree than have all the drama.

Your focus and concern needs to be you and your DC and removing yourself to a safe situation.

I agree, my little girl is my main focus and as her mum it is my job to make sure she grows up safe and happy. I have the number for womens aid and I'm going to ring them- but I think he gets a log of all of the calls I make so I'm going to buy a cheap phone from town today whilst he is at work and hide it somewhere.

I will feel much stronger if I have a plan and leaving will seem more real than it does right now.

Thank you everyone for your kind words and advice. I didn't really think I was in such a bad relationship but maybe deep down I have always known his behaviour is wrong and not normal. I feel for him but I feel for my child more. I am going to continue with my studies aswell as I owe that to my daughter too. Thanks again, I will keep you updated and hopefully a fresh start is near. Hope you all had a good Christmas and all the best for new year xx

Well done you.I'm so pleased you are going to access some help. Please also think if there is a friend or family member you can reach out to. Not matter how distant or estranged I had become from someone if they reached out in that situation I would be there in a heartbeat!.

Get them to help you make a plan to leave. Keep your focus on you and your baby and look forward to a fresh start to keep you safe.xx

Sarah if he is tracking your phone he may be tracking this thread.

Just be careful.

Op his behaviour is textbook abuse, including the current performance of being a lovely partner and daddy and being super nice to you. He is getting you back to heel. You tried to leave him so he's ensuring he does enough to make you think maybe you overreacted and it's worth staying with him. Once he's got you back under control the abuse will ramp up again. And escalate.

He sounds like a very dangerous man, please tread carefully. His behaviour is horrifying, absolutely everything you've described is horrific. It's not normal and it's never ever ok to behave like that, for any reason.

If you stay with him yours and you daughters lives are in genuine danger. Please get help, from authorities, who are trained, experienced and have the power and ability to protect you. The police, women's aid, social services - you are not wasting anyone's time. Just because nothing bads going on right now doesn't matter because it already HAS happened. It is happening. You are a victim of abuse and you are currently in an abusive relationship, regardless of whether anything scary is happening at this moment in time. It's too late for good behaviour now, you need to get yourself and your child away from him.

Good luck and take care of yourself. X

I have been with my partner nearly eight years and he has never ever raised his hand to hurt, push, control, threaten or frighten me. He is normal and does have a temper, however he does not take his temper out physically because he's an adult, not a toddler.

You live with a man who hits to get his own way. As soon as your daughter is big enough to annoy or defy him, he will hit her too. As I said previously, he either thinks it's fine and won't stop, or he can't stop. You cannot finish parenting him - you need to keep your daughter safe from him, and to keep her safe from watching her mother being abused. This man will piss all over your career and your whole life if you let him. Just because he can be nice doesn't mean he WILL be nice. Restraining orders are extreme. You need to take responsibility for your choices now and some of them won't feel comfortable to you. He will be very angry and he may be very sad - and you still need to leave him. Even if he cries and begs and promises to'do anything' to keep you. He will revert back to mr nasty as soon as he thinks you are back in his web.

OMG! Your partner may not physically hurt you but you don't have to have a black eye to be abused. If you'd had a loving relationship you'd know that all our doors are intact and all the mirrors in my house are fine. My dh has never ripped my clothes or thrown away my makeup and has never kicked me out of bed to interrogate me. If he EVER did even ONE of those he'd be out on his arse so fast he'd leave skid marks. However after 30 years he never has because he's not an abusive cunt. My dh had a poor childhood too with an abusive drunk for a dad. You know a poor start doesn't excuse his behaviour. He was jailed for this with a previous partner and he still hasn't changed. He was like that with her, with you and with the next one.

If you're not careful you'll be on the news when he 'snaps' and kills you. It doesn't matter how you modify your behaviour he will find something to get angry over.
Call the police, get him out change the locks and get a non mol order.
Start 2017 in the best way with this abusive twat kicked to the kerb.

This is one of the most distressing threads I have read here in a long time.
If he is at work today, please take the opportunity to do all you can to get free - get ( and keep hidden) another phone. Change passwords, change locks, inform WA, police, friends, social services, anyone who can help keep you safe. Show the damage to the police, let them tell you his real history.

SarahJane I've read your thread from the start and just wanted to make a comment, I feel so sorry for you in this situation. I haven't been in an abusive relationship, I've been with DH for 14 years, married for nearly 10. I can assure you that the things you describe like smashing things up, being physically violent towards you, tracking your phone etc are not "normal " This is abuse and he is trying to control you. You say that this is your first relationship so you have nothing to compare. It's interesting how you minimise his behaviour and blame it on his poor childhood, well it sounds like you did not have an easy childhood either but you don't behave like that do you? I've read a few threads on MN the last few months by young women who have posted, they don't have much family support, have got into a relationship with a man who is a bit older than them, had a child or children, the relationship is abusive. You are obviously an intelligent person, you are doing a degree, you will be able to get a job and earn decent money. I'm sorry if this sounds cheeky. Agree with others about the checks that get done if you went for a job, working with vulnerable people like children, if he was living with you I think you would have to declare it.
Good luck with the future x

Sarah, I've just got home and also feel compelled to reply.

When I was 22 I was also with a 30 year old man who "just pinned me down and grabbed my throat sometimes". I was slowly cut off from my friends and family. I became miserable.

I tried to leave, but broke down and went back.

3 weeks later he strangled me with an electrical cable and I ended up in ICU.

Please don't let that happen to you. Please listen to my warning.

Now you have tried to leave once he may well escalate the level of violence to try and regain control. From personal experience, the safest option for you right now is to get the hell out and go to a refuge. Your child is young, they will barely remember. Some of my best friends are women I met in a refuge over a decade ago. You are young, you can rebuild your life. Don't give up hope

Entirely possible that his ex has been ordered to let him see his son 'because he's never touched his son' as some judges are idiots and don't yet get that witnessing violence is abusive too. So she may not have a choice and she keeps it as civil as possible in order to protect herself and her son.

Honestly even IF the refuge was as you described when you were younger, which I don't think they are now, that's STILL better than your current situation for you and your daughter PLUS it would be temporary.

But as you're the primary tenant anyway he can be removed.

Have you ever seen Murdered by my boyfriend? I've never experienced domestic violence, but that chilled me to the bone. Reading this thread made me think of it, and it aired over 2 years ago.

Stay safe

Sarah, if you really wanted too you could be sleeping in a safe place by the end of this week if not sooner as there are posters on here with the experi nude to advise you to be able to make it happen.

It has been horrible reading this thread. The worry that you will stay and become a sad statistic. The sadness for your child.

I find it very worrying that he tricked you into coming back home...can you go back to the hotel, call the police from there and have him removed?? Be brave op!!!