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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

OH went out last night and came back at 9am this morning

470 replies

Sarahjane1994 · 24/12/2016 11:26

My OH went on a works do last night. He went out at 9pm yesterday and didn't come home till 9am this morning. I was whatsapping him from 6am asking where he was and he was reading the messages but not replying. He came home and has gone straight to bed. I had so much planned for today (we have a 1 year old and he has a 7 year old that I was taking care of all yesterday btw) and now he's sleeping off his hangover and won't speak to me. I opened his xmas present that I saved up for ages for and chucked it on the bed next to him and said 'merry christmas' but he didn't even look he just threw it on the floor.

His 7 year old has gone home now and my 1 year old is having a nap. I keep getting upset and I just know it's going to be the worst christmas ever.

I don't know how to react. It's not the first time he's done this. Ive gone mad at him before and it never works he still does it.
If I go out which is very rare he interrogates me about other men etc. I wouldn't dare stay out, he would literally be accusing me of all sorts now if I pulled a stunt like that.

What are your thoughts on this situation please?

Thanks and happy xmas eve x

OP posts:
Graphista · 29/12/2016 20:31

And it may delay ops ability to be awarded nqts status by her uni.

Tallycally · 29/12/2016 20:34

SarahJane, you need to get to a safe place with your little girl. Do it now. Don't fall into his trap; you know he is capable of really hurting you. Just find somewhere safe to stay short term. You say you are training to be a teacher. Could you eventually be accommodated by the university? This man is a dangerous bully. Please remove yourself from him. I too am a teacher. You need to have strength and resilience for this profession. You may have to help children who have problems themselves at home. How can you do this if you and your little one are living in fear? Please keep posting. We are all extremely concerned for your safety xx

QuestionableMouse · 29/12/2016 20:34

Op please just phone the police and get yourself and your kids to safety. Anyone who knowingly makes their partner scared of them isn't a nice person. I've seen people live in abusive relationships and the change in them when they managed to get free was astounding.

Get your ducks in order and call for help the next chance you get.

ChocolateCakeandSprinkles · 29/12/2016 20:38

Her CRB won't picm up on his convictions but now with Safeguarding, any post she takes up she will have to declare the criminal conviction of anyone living in the house. The likelihood is the school won't take her on if they are aware of his conviction due to liability issues. If she is no longer living with him then she will be fine,

Please keep posting. We really want to know you are fine!

ChocolateCakeandSprinkles · 29/12/2016 20:38

Apologies for the million identical posts before! The wonders of computers!

OhTheRoses · 29/12/2016 20:40

You were vulnerable as a child. He has chosen his victim well. Do NOT repeat the cycle for your DD. You have your whole life ahead of you. This thing, object, abuser needs to be in your past.

But hey, your life, your choice - except you have a child to think of so need to put her first and your choice on the backburner.

There aren't many unanimous threads on MNet but this is. FGS woman listen and sort out your act.

Boundaries · 29/12/2016 20:41

That advanced disclosure happens during the course. Although as a pp said perhaps the OP wasn't with him when she started the course.

Buttercupsandaisies · 29/12/2016 20:49

I'm a teacher and have an enhanced police check every 3 years (vulnerable learners) and have never once been asked about partners etc? Last one was 3 months ago.

Newbrummie · 29/12/2016 21:42

My boyfriends ex is with a guy who regularly blacks both her eyes, she's a midwife, not an issue it would seem

SparklyMagpie · 29/12/2016 21:51

This thread has sent absolute shivers down me

I'm terrified for you OP, the complete turn around again in today's update, was one I was absolutely dreading to read. I honestly thought you'd have got that cheap mobile and contacted women's aid etc

He has you completely brainwashed :(

And you really don't seem to see what this is going to do to you and your daughter

I can't even continue writing this second as I just feel cold and sick at the thought of you and your daughter in this situation

Original poster
Sarahjane1994 · 29/12/2016 22:33

He's not happy one bit. Everything was going great, he finished work and we ordered a takeaway and put on a movie however during the film he said I looked like I was upto something and grabbed my phone to check it. I realised I'd left this thread on and panicked so grabbed it back from him and pressed delete history and closed the page asap. Well now he thinks I'm a disgusting horrible effing cheating snake. Hes thrown the pizza boxes and told me to go to bed as he will sleep on the sofa. So far that is it which is a relief. I'm surprised actually. House is intact and so am I. I've promised I've not cheated but who knows if he will believe me. I won't be able to update for a while as I really can't let him see this thread but I will try tomorrow x

OP posts:
Haggisfish · 29/12/2016 22:36

Please just leave. This is no way to live.

Mindtrope · 29/12/2016 22:39

OP your DD deserves better than this.

How can you allow her to be raised in an environment like this?

glassspider · 29/12/2016 22:50

I hope you're ok.
I would echo what everyone else has said. Get out of this situation asap, even if it means calling the police to get away from him, just get yourself and your daughter away somewhere safe. Please. Xxx

overwhelmed34 · 29/12/2016 22:58

I think you need to find some faith that others CAN help you, and WILL protect you. Coercive control (getting you to behave the way he wants through fear etc), is now a crime. The police are there to help an protect you. I understand you are afraid of what he will do if you leave. But with the support of women's aid and the police, you will be safe. Which sadly is not the situation at the moment. :(

SparklyMagpie · 29/12/2016 22:58

Bloody hell OP you need to get you and your daughter out now!!!

So how long did 'Mr nice guy' last?

I urge you to listen and re-read previous posters who have been in this situation!

We're all worried for you and your daughters safety! You know you should be.

Nobody wants to be harsh or upset you, but this ISN'T going to get better, you are NOT going to be able to control these outbursts or situations

You need to get a plan put in place where you and your daughter will be safe! You owe it to you both

FannyCradock · 29/12/2016 23:09

You don't have to live like this. Plan your escape and keep safe, if he threatens you or starts trashing the place call 999.

MadMags · 29/12/2016 23:44

You sound like my cousin.

She's dead now, and he's in prison so her kids have no parents. But she started out exactly like you. In fact, it's scarily similar.

Another thing: if you think you're going to have a successful teaching career when you're choosing to have this man around a child in your care then you are very much mistaken.

And even if you do manage to get away with it, and you have a teaching job, do you think it won't come out? Do you expect parents to trust that you can adequately care for their dc when your own flesh and blood is living in that environment because you won't leave?

I sound harsh, I know I do. But there are plenty on here wearing their kid gloves and they're not getting through to you.

The reality is, you're going to end up a statistic. Some 30 second radio report on the news. Another woman who stayed and paid the ultimate price for it.

And then who will your daughter have?

MarthasHarbour · 30/12/2016 06:59

Walk walk into the police station. Show them your posts on this thread.

Your post at 18.07 yesterday left me cold. Sad

Manumission · 30/12/2016 07:20

Walking into a police station and shoving an MN thread under their noses isn't the best advice. I'm sure OP is perfectly capable of articulating herself.

BastardGoDarkly · 30/12/2016 07:21

Christ almighty love. This is scary to read, nevermind live.

Call women's aid, they'll help you Flowers

Goingtobeawesome · 30/12/2016 07:41

Sarah, what do you really want? Because you aren't listening to the vital advice you are getting. Your poor daughter.

MarthasHarbour · 30/12/2016 08:02

Hmm manumission to quote a popular MN phrase 'Did you mean to be so rude?'

you have no idea whether OP may freeze when she gets there. Perfectly reasonable advice IMO

littlemissblue · 30/12/2016 08:12

This is terrifying you must leave with your DD asap - I'm scared for you OP

Manumission · 30/12/2016 08:19

It's not a "popular MN phrase" Martha it's a ridiculous question.

Some of you have very twee ideas about how reporting DV to police is going to pan out if you think advice to hand over an MN thread in lieu of speaking or making a statement is constructive.

In any case, OP is clearly very confident at communicating with strangers, and clear in her English, so I don't understand the relevance of strange suggestions like that.

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