Page 16 | OH went out last night and came back at 9am this morning

Sarahjane1994 · 2016-12-24T11:26:38+00:00

My OH went on a works do last night. He went out at 9pm yesterday and didn't come home till 9am this morning. I was whatsapping him from 6am asking where he was and he was reading the messages but not replying. He came home and has gone straight to bed. I had so much planned for today (we have a 1 year old and he has a 7 year old that I was taking care of all yesterday btw) and now he's sleeping off his hangover and won't speak to me. I opened his xmas present that I saved up for ages for and chucked it on the bed next to him and said 'merry christmas' but he didn't even look he just threw it on the floor. His 7 year old has gone home now and my 1 year old is having a nap. I keep getting upset and I just know it's going to be the worst christmas ever. I don't know how to react. It's not the first time he's done this. Ive gone mad at him before and it never works he still does it. If I go out which is very rare he interrogates me about other men etc. I wouldn't dare stay out, he would literally be accusing me of all sorts now if I pulled a stunt like that. What are your thoughts on this situation please? Thanks and happy xmas eve x

Graphista · 29/12/2016 19:03

At the very least your child should be living elsewhere, sorry I know that sounds harsh but it's true.

Does anyone in authority see you? Visit the house? SOMEBODY will likely pick up on something soon, frankly I'm surprised they haven't already.

You said yourself you have THREE good reasons to leave

Your daughter
Your career
Your own safety

There's not ONE good reason to stay not one.

Graphista · 29/12/2016 19:05

That's not love it's infatuation.

He's not always horrible because OF COURSE you would definitely leave then and he knows that he's not stupid!

ThirdThoughts · 29/12/2016 19:15

You can't manage him. He doesn't want to be managed. He will just find smaller and smaller infractions to blow up about.

The idea of leaving him is scary because he is dangerous. But you can't live your life and raise your daughter with someone that dangerous without consequences. There is support to get out of these situations as safely as possible when you are ready to access them.

He's not all powerful. You can do this.

Original poster

Sarahjane1994 · 29/12/2016 19:18

The funny thing is you would probably like him if you met him and the health visitor said there was no need for any more visits months ago because she had no concerns developmental wise etc. and partner was there during the visits. She did say before she left to make sure I continue with my studies as she thinks i'd make a good teacher. I've really hung on to what she said for a while now. Even though I'm losing confidence everyday with becoming a teacher almost to the point of giving up but keep going for my daughter really. I realised about the checks but thought if I explained that it wasnt relevant to offences against a child then I may still have a chance. But it probably wouldn't be easy.

It's not like i'm covering bruises up with makeup everyday otherwise I would definitely be long gone. It's more of constantly being accused of cheating and having to beg, plead and cry that I've not just to convince him. I really hate that.

OP posts:

Original poster

Sarahjane1994 · 29/12/2016 19:20

P.s don't worry about the future generation having a potential teacher who makes so many punctuation and grammar mistakes in my previous comments (ha) I am just typing fast from my mobile x

OP posts:

ChasinMyDreamJobWithEveryFibre · 29/12/2016 19:24

It always is a downward spiral.
You need your eyes opening girl, don't let it get to bruises or your child being injured before eventually deciding enough is enough!
You can't hide in your house away from the rest of the world forever!

Bant · 29/12/2016 19:25

No, Sarah, if you were covering up bruises every day then you'd find a way to excuse that too. Maybe because he was so lovely that he paid for the makeup you were using to cover the bruises.

He's going to kill you, one day, you realise that, don't you? Some man is going to look at you, and he'll fly into a rage and strangle you. Possibly in front of your daughter.

Possibly he'll then decide he's got nothing left to live for and kill your daughter as well. You hear about these cases all the time.

But I'm sure he'll be doing out of love for you both, so that's okay, isn't it?

Boundaries · 29/12/2016 19:26

What are you going to do if one of your future pupils discloses to you that her daddy kicks the door in, grabs her mum by the throat, accuses her of cheating. That her mummy walks on eggshells and spends her days trying to not making him angry?

VanellopeVonSchweetz99 · 29/12/2016 19:29

"The funny thing is you would probably like him if you met him"

Monsters don't get close to their victims, 'nice men' do.

Lynnm63 · 29/12/2016 19:31

You're not covering up bruises yet. You already manage your days to avoid any infringement. I'm not scared of my dh. I can rant, be a cow etc he would never dream of doing anything your dp does. Would you ever dare tell him anything other than what he wants to hear? Of course we'd like h initially but watching you with him would ring alarm bells.it would be obvious you've been conditioned.

BonnyScotland · 29/12/2016 19:42

I would suggest you start saving a little.. here and there every week ... stash it in an account known to only you... and have your passport birth certificate your daughters too.. all those important little pieces of paper in one wee plastic folder easily lifted... if anyone asks why... it's simply so you know where everything is...

and when your ready... or feel threatened or you just need to go.. pick it up and go x

P1nkP0ppy · 29/12/2016 19:44

It's the kicked puppy syndrome - 'If I'm really, really nice to him he won't hurt me'........until the next time, and the time after that .......

I just pray that you leave before he seriously hurts you, or worse.
Your poor daughter will subconsciously be taking it all in.

BaublesRUs · 29/12/2016 19:57

You poor love. I wonder if he is reading this thread as your tone has changed so much.
Thinking of you and your little girl and hope you can see this man for what he is and get out safely.

midsummabreak · 29/12/2016 20:00

OMG how dare you believe you have any rights, he can always leave you and the children at any time, for any length of time, without telling you where he is, nor when he is good enough to return to be responsible for his relationship or children.
How dare you believe you can know who he is with. How dare you think you should be able to depend on him to spend a special occasion with him! Of course you have no right to expect him to mind his own 7 year old and one year old! Of course you should put up with this, you are just a woman after all, and he is a big strong man.
He is prepared to ruin his children's Christmas eve to attempt to manipulate you into playing the role of woman doormat who should shut up and put up.

Of course you and the children don't deserve any of that shit. You can't open the door to a happy future until you close the door to this man. One day when you are determined to make a happy life and future away from him, you will have all of us cheering you on and wishing you well in your new life without him.

Original poster

Sarahjane1994 · 29/12/2016 20:11

:(

OP posts:

ChocolateCakeandSprinkles · 29/12/2016 20:15

Please tell me you have heard about the new laws for domestic abuse focusing around psychological and emotional abuse. This fits the criteria to a ridiculous extent.

Please can I play on the teacher element too. What will you do when a little boy or girl discloses to you that daddy shouts at mummy and makes her cry all the time, or daddy grabs mummy's hair or hits her. Or mummy has bruises, or is sad all the time. Will you ignore them? Will you tell them that they just have to say the right thing and not make daddy mad? Or will you be horrified and be on the phone to social services demanding some help! If you think its ok then you shouldn't be a teacher. Not to sound horrible but you will be their compass and their model and their guide! If you think its ok to bring your daughter up in that, would you report it?

Yes I am playing devils advocate because I seriously want you to get some help. You have got to leave now because this man has got you thinking that being frightened in your own home of him is normal. It isn't!
You should be able to shout, swear and be a total utter cow and he should still never lay a hand on you!
When your daughter has a good tantrum and he gets angry, will you teach her to live in fear too, to always be good girl, to never make daddy angry.

If you won't leave for you then you should give your daughter to someone who can protect her! She does not deserve to live in that environment EVER!

ChasinMyDreamJobWithEveryFibre · 29/12/2016 20:15

Does that face mean he is reading this thread op?

ChocolateCakeandSprinkles · 29/12/2016 20:15

Please tell me you have heard about the new laws for domestic abuse focusing around psychological and emotional abuse. This fits the criteria to a ridiculous extent.

Please can I play on the teacher element too. What will you do when a little boy or girl discloses to you that daddy shouts at mummy and makes her cry all the time, or daddy grabs mummy's hair or hits her. Or mummy has bruises, or is sad all the time. Will you ignore them? Will you tell them that they just have to say the right thing and not make daddy mad? Or will you be horrified and be on the phone to social services demanding some help! If you think its ok then you shouldn't be a teacher. Not to sound horrible but you will be their compass and their model and their guide! If you think its ok to bring your daughter up in that, would you report it?

Yes I am playing devils advocate because I seriously want you to get some help. You have got to leave now because this man has got you thinking that being frightened in your own home of him is normal. It isn't!
You should be able to shout, swear and be a total utter cow and he should still never lay a hand on you!
When your daughter has a good tantrum and he gets angry, will you teach her to live in fear too, to always be good girl, to never make daddy angry.

If you won't leave for you then you should give your daughter to someone who can protect her! She does not deserve to live in that environment EVER!

ChocolateCakeandSprinkles · 29/12/2016 20:15

Please tell me you have heard about the new laws for domestic abuse focusing around psychological and emotional abuse. This fits the criteria to a ridiculous extent.

Please can I play on the teacher element too. What will you do when a little boy or girl discloses to you that daddy shouts at mummy and makes her cry all the time, or daddy grabs mummy's hair or hits her. Or mummy has bruises, or is sad all the time. Will you ignore them? Will you tell them that they just have to say the right thing and not make daddy mad? Or will you be horrified and be on the phone to social services demanding some help! If you think its ok then you shouldn't be a teacher. Not to sound horrible but you will be their compass and their model and their guide! If you think its ok to bring your daughter up in that, would you report it?

Yes I am playing devils advocate because I seriously want you to get some help. You have got to leave now because this man has got you thinking that being frightened in your own home of him is normal. It isn't!
You should be able to shout, swear and be a total utter cow and he should still never lay a hand on you!
When your daughter has a good tantrum and he gets angry, will you teach her to live in fear too, to always be good girl, to never make daddy angry.

If you won't leave for you then you should give your daughter to someone who can protect her! She does not deserve to live in that environment EVER!

Pooky77 · 29/12/2016 20:19

OP your post at 18:07 today literally is heartbreaking. I can't stress enough how much you should never have to walk on eggshells in your own home or how you should never need to moderate your behaviour to placate a person who should cherish you. I lived my life this way for ten years until finally one day I couldn't go on anymore, I literally cared so little for myself that I didn't care at all what the consequences were. It was the best thing I've ever done and I've never looked back. I hope you realise one day soon what your true worth is and that you can see that you deserve to be loved for who you are without fear from the person you love.

Graphista · 29/12/2016 20:20

When the health visitor was last there were your doors broken? Mirrors smashed? If so she's crap at her job if not then things have escalated since.

As for the security check for teaching - there are no 'extenuating circumstances' or 'get out clauses' they're under too much scrutiny to risk it. So you won't pass that, so if you stay with him, complete your course, until he's gone you won't be able to practise.

Graphista · 29/12/2016 20:23

If he is reading this thread (a terrifying thought!) you really absolutely must see how wrong this whole setup is! Both of you!

NotYoda · 29/12/2016 20:24

I was going to say exactly that Chocolate

When you are a teacher, OP, you will have to report this kind of abuse to Social Services

Of course it feels safe now. He's not an idiot. Of course if he were like this constantly, you would not be with him! Because you are not an idiot

Boundaries · 29/12/2016 20:24

I'm surprised your course hasn't done an enhanced DBS check actually - presume you're doing placements?

Graphista · 29/12/2016 20:29

Looks like background checks are done at beginning and end of training and upon applying for a job. If op has been living with him less than 4 years and is doing a 4 year course, it's possible they've escaped notice as yet. But it will become apparent on end of course check. Schools can choose to ignore a flagged issue, but given the nature of ops flag and as I said before the scrutiny schools are under its highly unlikely.

A school isn't going to risk a scandal/potential complaints from parents.