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Original poster

OH went out last night and came back at 9am this morning

470 replies

Sarahjane1994 · 24/12/2016 11:26

My OH went on a works do last night. He went out at 9pm yesterday and didn't come home till 9am this morning. I was whatsapping him from 6am asking where he was and he was reading the messages but not replying. He came home and has gone straight to bed. I had so much planned for today (we have a 1 year old and he has a 7 year old that I was taking care of all yesterday btw) and now he's sleeping off his hangover and won't speak to me. I opened his xmas present that I saved up for ages for and chucked it on the bed next to him and said 'merry christmas' but he didn't even look he just threw it on the floor.

His 7 year old has gone home now and my 1 year old is having a nap. I keep getting upset and I just know it's going to be the worst christmas ever.

I don't know how to react. It's not the first time he's done this. Ive gone mad at him before and it never works he still does it.
If I go out which is very rare he interrogates me about other men etc. I wouldn't dare stay out, he would literally be accusing me of all sorts now if I pulled a stunt like that.

What are your thoughts on this situation please?

Thanks and happy xmas eve x

OP posts:
Original poster
Sarahjane1994 · 29/12/2016 18:07

Hi, feels strange reading this back and christmas and my plans to escape seem like a dream to me now. Even the hotel seems like a distant memory. I know in reality that if I leave terrible things will happen. I know I can ring the police and have them assist me but they can't be with me 24/7. It's not even a case of locking the front door because he has run into it and kicked it open once before when I locked him out. I think if he loses me and his daughter he will have the mindset that he has nothing else to live for and that can mean he won't be thinking of the consequences of his actions. He's told me before if I ever ever had another man anywhere near his daughter he would kill him and me. He says this sometimes being serious and sometimes laughing. But either way I wouldn't want to ever move on with someone else because it wouldn't be fair to the new man to have that kind of danger and trouble. So he really is all I that I have and I realise if I stay with him, and I dont wind him up or give him any reason to get angry then he won't touch me or the house.

The times he grabbed me or smashed up the house it had been because we've been out together, drinking. When we get home that's when he starts kicking off, mostly about other men. I really don't need to go out to bars or pubs anyway. I'm happy staying at home with my family and I have no interest in looking in another's man direction ever again. I don't mind him having access to my phone and passwords as I have nothing to hide. And my little girl has never witnessed him smashing the house up or grabbing me. Luckily, she was being babysat by his sister on these nights. She is a really happy little girl and I am making sure she is having a good life by giving her lots of experiences and love.
I can protect her from any violence by making sure it doesn't happen in the first place e.g. not giving him an excuse to kick off. He gets really upset after and says why did I make him do it and when I look back he is right. I could have handled things differently.

Most days we are all happy and laughing and the house is filled with love. If I leave then I will ruin my daughters life because that is when the danger will come. X

OP posts:
Squirmy65ghyg · 29/12/2016 18:17

You have it back to front and deep down you know it op. You'll never be able to stop him getting angry. Never.

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/12/2016 18:18

It sometimes takes women a long time to leave men like this. It may take him hurting you very badly, or your little girl getting hurt or seeing her mother get hurt. He may kill you. Or both you and her. I hope you leave before something like that happens. But you may not. Many women don't get out.

The one thing you are not allowed to be in denial about is your daughter. She is being harmed by this, it will shape her future relationships and she is more likely to have a partner who hurts or kills her. Having a mother who is limited, can't go out, walks on eggshells and can't speak her mind is damaging.

Boundaries · 29/12/2016 18:23

I can protect her from any violence

No, you can't.

Not without leaving.

Atenco · 29/12/2016 18:30

Situations like yours are precisely what refuges are for, Sarahjane, and from what I have heard, staying in a refuge can be a very positive experience.

Graphista · 29/12/2016 18:30

She HAS witnessed it - she witnesses you being vowed and tiptoeing around him, she witnesses her home damaged by his violence, I'm confident she's seen bruises/marks on your body...

Don't kid yourself she has witnessed plenty and that's emotionally abusive.

You know you are minimising and defending him. I like I suspect other posters, think there's a genuine risk this guy will become a family anihilator - he'll kill you, your daughter then himself.

PLEASE get out of the relationship and move somewhere safe where he doesn't know where you are.

Graphista · 29/12/2016 18:32

Argh fucking autocorrect!

She witnesses you being cowed. Afraid to go against him, to have a night out, to even MENTION other men! It's not normal

PuntCuffin · 29/12/2016 18:36

He really has done such a number on you, hasn't he?
Your daughter will pick up on your fear and the tension, however hard you try to hide it. Is this really how you want to live?
You know that however placid you try to be, however hard you try to follow his 'rules', it will never be good enough. He will always find something that you have done wrong. He will always be looking for an excuse to lash out.
You have already been told you will have to declare his presence in your home when applying for teaching jobs, so you will be giving up your career.
Don't think about future theoretical partners. Think of yourself and your little girl. Surely she is worth more to you than to expose her to this man all of her young life?
Even if you feel you have to let it lie a week or two, please speak to the police, find out more about his background and the restraining order/prison sentence. Speak to his former partner, get the truth. Then get out.

JuddNelsoninTheBreakfastClub · 29/12/2016 18:41

This is very sad, reading this. You said it yourself when you were in the comedy club people noticed he was being aggressive and you didn't realise because you are so used to it. Don't think your daughter won't notice when she gets older because she will.

Grumpyoldblonde · 29/12/2016 18:43

You live with a dangerous animal who could seriously harm you and your child. He chooses to be like this, please choose not to live with it I don't want to hear about you on the news. There is help for you out there. Your child deserves better even if you think you don't. You really could lose your right to have your child if you remain with him you know? One of the most frightening posts I've ever read here.

qazxc · 29/12/2016 18:44

Please get in touch with a domestic abuse helpline.
You may think you can control the situation by playing by his rules but, speaking from experience, it never works as he will move the goalposts.

VanellopeVonSchweetz99 · 29/12/2016 18:44

SarahJane, your posts are the most bone chilling things I have ever read. I'm terrified for you, terrified.
Lovely, you are brain washed. I know that's not the right thing to say to brain washed people but I just don't know what else to say.
Don' walk, RUN.

Original poster
Sarahjane1994 · 29/12/2016 18:46

I know but isn't it worse to leave and have him find us. He would be so angry that I took her away from him. I don't know what he would do then but at least now I can make sure he is happy and no reason to get mad

OP posts:
Grumpyoldblonde · 29/12/2016 18:48

No Sarah, it's not better. Go to the police, please look out for your child.

Atenco · 29/12/2016 18:50

And you give up your own happiness and sense of security for your dd and she goes on to find a man just like daddy?

Empress13 · 29/12/2016 18:51

Oh Sarah hunny just read your last post and imagine it's your little girl saying those things. You will never change him, do you want to spend the rest of your life tip toeing around him ensuring he doesn't luck off ? Is that any way to live?

Please please get some professional help and get out of there. There are refuges you can go to. Sarah it's only a matter of time before he fully snaps possibly hurting your daughter. You are afraid I get that but you will be more afraid if one day he is trying to kill you.

lovelycuppateas · 29/12/2016 18:51

Did you manage to get a cheap phone and ring Women's Aid? I think talking to someone will help you. I've been in a violent relationship, and to be honest I only realised how bad it was after I left, it had become so normalised. I just thought everything was my fault.

BonnyScotland · 29/12/2016 18:53

it is very telling that you defend this mans every action .... you are not ready to leave him ... you are clearly still infatuated .. and sound like you enjoy his obsessive controlling of your movements ....

until the rose tinted glasses fall from your eyes.... stay safe please

ChocolateCakeandSprinkles · 29/12/2016 18:53

2 women are killed every week in England and Wales by a current or former partner.

On average, a woman is assaulted 35 times before her first call to the police.

When will you get help? When its the 35th time! When he's stabbed you? When hes smashed your head on a dresser? When hes punched you for the 100th time! When your child has heard or seen the violence, or when he loses it at them and smacks them too! Or will it finally stop when your baby girl is burying her mother in the coffin in the ground and then there's noone there to protect her!

In 5/10/15/20 years, will she thank you for staying there? Or will she feel you let her down. You're kidding yourself if you think she won't know or be aware through the years. Your job as a mother is to protect her! If you won't leave for yourself then leave for her. Get into a refuge and they can help you stat again, safe and secure. Go to the police and press charges.

You are condoning physical violence. Is that what you will tell your daughter growing up? She must never speak about any men? If her partner hits her then its her fault for making him angry. Will you carry on the cycle by her thinking thats normal or will you give her the chance to break it and have a normal relationship.

She didn't ask to be born into this situation, so for her sake you need to protect her by leaving and never going back!

Boundaries · 29/12/2016 18:54

No, OP it isn't better.

Quite apart from the physical danger, which you have described as being awful, you are your daughter's primary model of how to be a woman in a relationship. How do you think that might play out for her?

Graphista · 29/12/2016 18:54

No you've got an (understandably as you have as a pp said been brainwashed/gas lighted) unrealistic view of reality.

It IS possible to get away to somewhere he doesn't know where you are, where even if he did you would be safe. PLUS if he keeps on being violent and aggressive and you or someone else gets police on him he'll end up in jail again, hopefully for longer this time.

I think the best thing to do is move well away from him to where he can't find you. There's ways of doing this, women's aid and others can help.

I too have horrible visions of hearing of your family on the news. Horrific.

Lynnm63 · 29/12/2016 18:56

Oh my love. You are not safe, you cannot stop him from getting violent. You can stay in wearing a nuns habit he'll find something to get cross about. Your dd will have a male teacher you'll be banned from collecting her from school, you'll be accused of flirting with him if you have to write a note for school.
Your daughter will not be oblivious for much longer. She will learn to appease men and in 20 years time you'll have taught her to seek out an abuser like her dad. Tell me truly if your man was her boyfriend in the future how horrified would you be.
Please get help and get out, I fear you'll be a statistic and your dd will either be dead with you or orphaned.

Cherylene · 29/12/2016 18:58

We can all look back and see that we could have handled things differently. Everyone does that. And so could he. In fact, you could probably work it out for yourself, without his input. He doesn't need to tell you how to think.

Find out about Women's Aid and talk to the Police.

I too think your rose-tints are a far too strong. But make that escape plan. Now.

Goingtobeawesome · 29/12/2016 18:59

You are sadly deluded if you think your child hasn't already suffered and will continue to do so. When she's having a temper tantrum will you blame her when he shouts and throws things at her?

Original poster
Sarahjane1994 · 29/12/2016 19:01

When I read the comments on here I completely agree with you all. It's the same advice I would give to others in my situation. And it would be my worst nightmare if my daughter ended up with a man who did any of those things to her. But when I come away from this chat everything goes back to normal and with him being so nice at the moment it's hard to feel anything but love :(

OP posts:
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