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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

OH went out last night and came back at 9am this morning

470 replies

Sarahjane1994 · 24/12/2016 11:26

My OH went on a works do last night. He went out at 9pm yesterday and didn't come home till 9am this morning. I was whatsapping him from 6am asking where he was and he was reading the messages but not replying. He came home and has gone straight to bed. I had so much planned for today (we have a 1 year old and he has a 7 year old that I was taking care of all yesterday btw) and now he's sleeping off his hangover and won't speak to me. I opened his xmas present that I saved up for ages for and chucked it on the bed next to him and said 'merry christmas' but he didn't even look he just threw it on the floor.

His 7 year old has gone home now and my 1 year old is having a nap. I keep getting upset and I just know it's going to be the worst christmas ever.

I don't know how to react. It's not the first time he's done this. Ive gone mad at him before and it never works he still does it.
If I go out which is very rare he interrogates me about other men etc. I wouldn't dare stay out, he would literally be accusing me of all sorts now if I pulled a stunt like that.

What are your thoughts on this situation please?

Thanks and happy xmas eve x

OP posts:
ChocolateCakeandSprinkles · 27/12/2016 03:11

When I say physical he's never punched me or anything. It's more like grabbing me by the throat or pinning me down or grabbing my hair.

Oh good grief my darling. The fact that you said that with such nonchalance is terrifying. This is domestic abuse. It is emotional and physical abuse. It is wrong, it is illegal and importantly it is a horrific example for the kids.

Read your post back imagining your 1yo was writing it. What would you tell them? As a mother you would be horrified! Please, please, speak to a refuge and ask for some help. For your childs sake if nothing else. Report the abuse to the police.

Is the reason you have few family and friends his behaviour? Please access some help. If you can't leave for you then do it for your child!

Original poster
Sarahjane1994 · 27/12/2016 08:23

I lived in a women's refuge when I was 8 with my mum and siblings. It was an awful place. The women there were truly battered wives. They were drug abusers and covered in bruises / had broken ribs etc. They had their children with them and I used to babysit the younger ones as there mums disn't seem to care about them anymore. I was only 8 myself. Remember hearing mt mum say that she felt like a fraud because my dad wasn't as bad as these other women's ex partners, she'd never been beaten up by him. There were no locks on the shared bathroom door and I hated getting a bath in fear someone would walk in. It was awful and I don't want to end up in one of those ever again :(

OP posts:
Fluffycloudland77 · 27/12/2016 08:59

You're a battered woman. I've had lots of arguments with Dh that have never turned physical. There just rows.

Punching doors or grabbing hairs unacceptable.

Newbrummie · 27/12/2016 09:00

Sarahjane1994 - PM me where you are if you've honestly got nowhere I have a spare bedroom. You've got to get out of there

Manumission · 27/12/2016 09:05

You're a battered woman

Fluffy would you mind sourcing your terminology from somewhere more recent the 1970s please?

Boundaries · 27/12/2016 09:05

I would say it was typical of women's refuge's that the women there don't care about their children.

Quite the opposite, if anything.

Boundaries · 27/12/2016 09:06

*wouldn't say

Blush
Newbrummie · 27/12/2016 09:09

The mums were probably in shock/shut down mode if they've just escaped a violent relationship.

Manumission · 27/12/2016 09:09

Sarah you seem to have a number of atypical experiences and perspectives which might explain the unusual rhythm of this thread.

Women who have the strength to protect their DC from DV typically care about them very much.

Had any luck with the WA helpline yet?

Notmyname123 · 27/12/2016 09:13

Manumission, Fluffy is referencing OP's post in using the term "battered".

Manumission · 27/12/2016 09:14

Oh well that's obviously fine then ConfusedHmm

Original poster
Sarahjane1994 · 27/12/2016 09:25

I shouldn't have really used that word but I'm not really thinking very clearly. I understand every situation is different and you don't have to be 'battered' to be abused by someone. And if those women hadnt really cared then there children would have probably been taken from them. It was just I saw the state of the rooms and the children were wandering around in dirty nappies whilst some of the mums were drunk or drugged up somewhere. It was a terrible experience but I'm sure not all are like that. Infact for them they probably would have been killed so at least they were safe there. One woman used to bang her head against the wall until it bled and I remember her two children being distraught by it and having to stay with us whilst she went in an ambulance. X

OP posts:
MrTCakes · 27/12/2016 09:28

Make a plan to get out of there and go somewhere other than a refuge then. And do it quick.

Manumission · 27/12/2016 09:29

No refuge is like that.

They are managed.

Boundaries · 27/12/2016 09:30

I agree, Man.

Boundaries · 27/12/2016 09:32

[[http://www.refuge.org.uk/ ]]

Website for a national refuge charity

Boundaries · 27/12/2016 09:33

[[http://solacewomensaid.org/about-us/refuges/ ]]

And another.

Original poster
Sarahjane1994 · 27/12/2016 09:34

Manumission- I'm sure I was just unfortunate in the fact I had a bad experience with them and that they're not like that. We did have two women who managed the refuge and took us out for day trips to the theatre etc but they weren't there all of the time. And don't get me wrong as a child I met some other kids there whose mums were great mothers. But sadly I remember alot of mothers who couldn't speak properly because they were on drugs or drinking heavily. My own mum started drinking when she was there and picked us up from school drunk almost everyday. I really hated it.

OP posts:
Newbrummie · 27/12/2016 09:34

Sarah knows what she saw its no good telling her they aren't like that, the one she saw was. I went to one around age 6 with my mum who made it all up to get a council flat but anyway, it was rough as fuck, people stole our stuff, expected to "share" everything like it or not.
However, if your child's a baby better to it now and get it over and done with than when she can remember.

Manumission · 27/12/2016 09:35

You will not find a group of institutions hotter on child safeguarding and adult wellbeing than women's refuges. They are a great movement and a lifeline.

Original poster
Sarahjane1994 · 27/12/2016 09:39

I wish it hasn't been like that at all but it really was. We lived there for a year waiting to be housed. I can remember everything
They had a play room and my sister was allowed the key when the women weren't there because she was oldest so that was good and the day trips were okay. They had a wash room in the basement where people had donated clothes you could take and I used to sneak some of the baby clothes for my doll. But the whole time just wanted to go home and be with my dad.

OP posts:
Boundaries · 27/12/2016 09:40

NewBrummie with respect, there is every point in reassuring someone that refuge's are in fact a safe and secure option.

Hostels are more problematic.

GoldenOrb · 27/12/2016 09:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Newbrummie · 27/12/2016 09:50

Boundaries - she knows what she saw, trying to make out its not true discredits all the other good advice you and others are offering. You and I weren't there, she was.

Boundaries · 27/12/2016 09:53

I'm not doing that - but what I know is that now refuges are not like that.
Some hostels are.

Perhaps things have moved on since the OP's description?

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