Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

OH went out last night and came back at 9am this morning

470 replies

Sarahjane1994 · 24/12/2016 11:26

My OH went on a works do last night. He went out at 9pm yesterday and didn't come home till 9am this morning. I was whatsapping him from 6am asking where he was and he was reading the messages but not replying. He came home and has gone straight to bed. I had so much planned for today (we have a 1 year old and he has a 7 year old that I was taking care of all yesterday btw) and now he's sleeping off his hangover and won't speak to me. I opened his xmas present that I saved up for ages for and chucked it on the bed next to him and said 'merry christmas' but he didn't even look he just threw it on the floor.

His 7 year old has gone home now and my 1 year old is having a nap. I keep getting upset and I just know it's going to be the worst christmas ever.

I don't know how to react. It's not the first time he's done this. Ive gone mad at him before and it never works he still does it.
If I go out which is very rare he interrogates me about other men etc. I wouldn't dare stay out, he would literally be accusing me of all sorts now if I pulled a stunt like that.

What are your thoughts on this situation please?

Thanks and happy xmas eve x

OP posts:
SittingAround1 · 26/12/2016 21:13

You are definitely in an abusive relationship. This is not how normal couples argue.
Please plan your escape and stick to it. He will not change - he didn't for his ex and he won't for you.

DameDeDoubtance · 26/12/2016 21:13

Put your child first for goodness sakes. You are clearly in an abusive relationship and you are making excuses for this horrible man.

Protect your child and yourself, you all deserve better.

glentherednosedbattleostrich · 26/12/2016 21:16

You are making excuses for him

He had a bad childhood
His ex cheated on him
Someone ate the last bloody KitKat...

He is an abusive bastard because he chooses to be.

You can't fix him and it's not your responsibility to. I will say again , as a professional childcarer, I would report your family to social services and as a trainee teacher you should understand safeguarding enough to understand why.

ero30 · 26/12/2016 21:17

OP, when his ex comes to pick up the 7 yo, can you get a message to her or ask her for help? It sounds like she would know better than most what he is like and may be in a position to help you. You need to get out of that house and the best way to do anything is to do it with moral support. You are not a bad parent, but right now you need to be a brave parent and make the best choice for your little girl. Get help and get out. Your OH is a bad guy and this is NOT a normal relationship.

Original poster
Sarahjane1994 · 26/12/2016 21:18

I know what you say is right. My daughter is my world and it would break my heart if she witnessed any of his episodes growing up. I'm going to leave. I just need to make a plan x

OP posts:
glentherednosedbattleostrich · 26/12/2016 21:18

Oh and in 15 years together neither she nor I have broken things during a row. It's not normal behaviour.

For your daughter's sake take the advice on this thread and call women's aid.

MarjorieSimpson · 26/12/2016 21:20

I don't know a lot about abuse but I can definitively tell you that a man that

  • breaks doors, mirrors etc n an argument
  • hie your make up some clothes so yu don't look nice
  • has a tracker on your phone so he can tell where you are
  • shouts, screams, puts you down
  • is physically forceful with you
IS AN ABUSER

There is really no hesitation at all about that.

Abusers ARE Nice sometimes. They have to, otherwise, you would never be staying with them. They HAVE TO have good sides, good times so that you can then doubt if it is actually that bad, if you need to call the police...
The thing is, if you have ever felt that you needed to call the police because a behaviour is so bad, then the behaviour HAS been that bad. You didn't imagine it.

Have you tried to call women aid?

Gallavich · 26/12/2016 21:20

I bet there was far more to the end of that relationship than her affair. I would bet you £1000000 if I had it that he was abusive to her years before she cheated.

AnyFucker · 26/12/2016 21:22

Op, in 20 years time if your dd came to you for advice about a relationship like yours is what would you say ?

PussInCoutts · 26/12/2016 21:26

Please don't delay the inevitable by making a plan. Get out and make sure you and DD are safe. Too many red flags here - tricking you that he'd left, then hiding in the house... This is a very worrying thread. Seriously, just get out.

jeaux90 · 26/12/2016 21:29

OP if I heard about a child that was in the position your dc was in I would call social services.

You need to do the right thing for you and your dc xxx

SarcasmMode · 26/12/2016 21:29

What if he hurts DD by throwing something that hits her when in a rage?

Or when she's 5 years old and talks back to him?

If his temper is that bad he will hurt her eventually. Do not give him that chance.

Original poster
Sarahjane1994 · 26/12/2016 21:33

I did speak to his ex before. She didn't mention abuse or anything but she said she'd had enough of him playing xbox and not working. He doesn't play xbox since I've known him though and works so I dont have that problem. He admitted that he ended up in prison because he breached his restraining order, left her horrible voice mails about having other men near his son and when they were arguing he pushed the sofa and it bruised her foot so she took pictures of it and shown the police. He told me this and I told him that was wrong and he said he was in a bad place. She has said she thinks he is a good dad and his son comes every fri-sun x

OP posts:
GoldenOrb · 26/12/2016 21:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Newbrummie · 26/12/2016 21:54

Goodness. Do you have any idea how hard it is to get a restraining order ? I had to stand before a judge with my three year old in the buggy and explain what happened, explain why I wasn't working, explain my bloody life story as to how I ended up in his court ... They don't hand them out like sweeties. He did something to her.

ThirdThoughts · 26/12/2016 22:07

Maybe his behaviour has escalated since the breakdown in his previous relationship, or maybe he treated her this way. But he is not a good father. A good father would not make his children live in a home where things get smashed up and mum gets her throat grabbed, is followed and spied on, is not allowed to speak to a man. You need to leave. You also need to contact Women's Aid/Police Domestic Violence and get his violent behaviour on record. This is important to protect your daughter going forward.

He does not trust you. He just tries to control you, it is not love. His behaviour is extreme and terrifying. Be cautious. When you do leave make sure you have the back up of women's aid (or a local shelter) and the police. Ditch the phone when you leave - he is going to use it to track you, harass you and trick you.

Do not share your plans on this thread as he may have access to it.

WildNightsWithAndyDay · 26/12/2016 22:37

This is a truly awful relationship. I'm so sorry you've found yourself in this situation. I really hope you find the courage to leave and soon.

This is one of the saddest and most frightening threads I've ever read.

pinkyredrose · 26/12/2016 23:20

Stop making excuses for him. He b knows what he's doing its deliberate, he's not compelled by some force from the past.

Could you delete the tracker on your phone?

Original poster
Sarahjane1994 · 27/12/2016 00:31

I know that leaving is going to mean trouble. I am afraid of the after math and I am worried for my child's safety during that time more than anything x

OP posts:
flibflob · 27/12/2016 01:07

That's why you need to call Women'a Aid or the Police. They can get you to a safe place where he can't find you and hurt you or your DD.

We're the same age. I left my abusive exP, also older than me, in October. It is terrifying, and I can't imagine how much more so with a child, but it isn't as terrifying as living in constant fear and misery. I totally get the him being charming thing - all the pain seems like a distant memory and you wonder if anyone would believe you if you told them the truth. They believed me, and will believe you too.

You took an amazing step in going to the hotel. Please please take the advice posted here and call them in the morning. I am so so sorry this isn't happening to you Flowers

flibflob · 27/12/2016 01:08

*is happening to you

springydaffs · 27/12/2016 01:18

Get in touch with Womens Aid who will support you all the way, helping you to make a plan to get you both out SAFELY.

WA local office . WA national helpline is 0808 2000 247 - better to call at night (if you can).

In the meantime, act like nothing is different while you get your plan together with the help and support of WA. I know it's hard and you may feel you're being sneaky - but you have to be because he can't be trusted. You are protecting you and your daughter's lives. Leaving an abuser is a very dangerous time. He has already throttled you - that is such a bad sign of what he could do to you. As a pp said, don't become a statistic op Sad

springydaffs · 27/12/2016 01:20

Many people have terrible childhoods but don't go on to abuse or harm other people.

There is NO excuse for abuse. He abuses you because he wants to control women. It has nothing at all to do with his childhood experiences.

Graphista · 27/12/2016 01:27

This is a very frightening, frustrating thread to read.

As someone who was a child raised in a home with dv I can assure you

Your daughter will be aware of what's going on. She wont understand it the way someone older would but she KNOWS daddy hurts mummy, daddy is scary and must not be made cross.

Entirely possible she fears being hurt by him (and she may not be wrong)

Under Clare's law you can find out what REALLY happened with him and his ex. Chances are she wouldn't say to you because

A she's ashamed she put up with it (even though she shouldn't be)

B fear of further reprisal from him not only against her but their child. (completely understandable and possible from the sound of things)

C thinking you wouldn't believe her

D it being distressing to talk about.

I'd also lay odds he hasn't told you the HALF of it. You don't get 3 months for JUST breaking a non mol order! Or at least I've never heard of that (much to my brothers frustration)

He's a police officer and deals with dv regularly. He's working this Christmas and would MUCH rather get a call to help you leave this abusive arse, than attend your murder/manslaughter and have to deal with a distraught 2 year old trying to 'wake mummy' - a type of scenario he has had to deal with more than once.

Shocking? Yes, but happens far too often.

He's heard it all 'he's a good dad' no dad that hurts and/or scares mum is a good dad. 'He's not always horrible' yea cos he's not stupid if he was always horrible you wouldn't stay. 'It was my fault I made him angry' no he's an adult, if that were true he'd batter everyone that ever offended him and he doesn't. He'd also have no problem doing it in public which they never do.

Get him gone or get out yourself. The fact he's calm and 'behaving' just now proves nothing. Show police the huge number of calls, the texts (which I'm guessing would show his true colours) not to mention your wrecked home! That alone will be an obvious indication to most officers.

Goodasgoldilox · 27/12/2016 01:37

So sorry to hear all this OP -you have been very unlucky and placed in a really difficult position.

No - this isn't normal behaviour in a relationship.

He sounds to be very very dangerous - even if as you say, he is also to be pitied.

Look how many posts are here and note how much agreement there is in this online forum.

You need help from someone you can talk to in the real world. The police can be wonderful for someone in a lonely situation like yours. They can help you find aid/advice and keep you both safe. You are not alone - no matter what your partner thinks.

Swipe left for the next trending thread