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Original poster

Husband has been arrested.

182 replies

user1482079084 · 18/12/2016 16:56

He wants me to go and visit him. Would you? The relationship is over. However, he is still the father to my children. It's to do with a 15 year old girl.

OP posts:
Miserylovescompany2 · 18/12/2016 20:05

I'm more than sure that OP knows/understands the severity of her current situation. The bottom has just dropped from her world. Her husband has been arrested. He has admitted to a online relationship and a subsequent meeting of a 15YO girl. The word RELATIONSHIP jumped out at me because you are talking about a length of time. Not a "we chatted last night and decided to meet for coffee and a chat" sort of scenario...

If/When he is charged, depending on the severity? (Honestly, I don't think there is an if) There will be a strategy meeting with professionals to decide how to proceed. There will be social services involvement there are no, if's, but's or maybes about it.

I know of a woman who worked in a prison. She ended up having a relationship with one of the inmates. She lost her job. On his release they started where they'd left off. He was serving time for a brutal rape on one of his friends mother. Long story short. They had children together, he isn't allowed EVER to be alone with the children. There will always be involvement from other agencies to safeguard those children. Their father will ALWAYS be on a sex offenders register. She made her choices, but, the children that followed had none.

Please don't buy into his explanation OP, because the is no plausible one. Whatever you need to know, do it through either SS or another agency. Like others have rightly suggested get yourself a solicitor. Go to your local CAB office and see if you meet the criteria for free legal aid?

Be kind to yourself. YOU didn't do this.

SF25 · 18/12/2016 20:15

CSE? I don't think he has admitted to that. The OP hasn't said her OH has admitted it was for a sexual perpose (although it most likely was) he hasn't admitted to that. I'm pretty sure it'll end up being an "intent to" crime, if it's never proved anything sexual happened between them, but they have sexual conversations.

PacificDogwod · 18/12/2016 20:17

Please stop the SS scaremongering.
There is every chance the OP will need their input and support in the near future. She should not fear them.

Bluntness100 · 18/12/2016 20:30

Also, he's not yet proven guilt

forumdonkey · 18/12/2016 20:32

SF25 How else would you take an 'online relationship' ? I wouldn't describe any of my 'friendships' as relationships.

Holowiwi · 18/12/2016 20:39

Can people please use the term paedophile correctly.....

riceuten · 18/12/2016 20:42

They had an 'online relationship' and went to meet her. He took her out. Nothing happened. This is what he has briefly told me

It would have taken the police 5 minutes to ascertain whether the above was the case or not.

This is not the case.

RochelleGoyle · 18/12/2016 20:50

Rice, how do you know? They could have been in contact for months before they met but not had a physical relationship, even despite meeting (and no, I'm not saying that makes it alright at all). The OP's partner would still have been arrested, sexual contact or not. I'm surprised how ready people are to jump to conclusions about a situation they know so little about.

forumdonkey · 18/12/2016 20:56

If OP had come on here to say her DH had had an online relationship and had met and took out OW, everyone would be LTB, he'll minimise, follow The Script. This is far worse it was a child. No, we don't know the details, but that does not change it is wrong on so many levels.

riceuten · 18/12/2016 20:58

The police are busy enough without chasing down unproven blind alleys

RochelleGoyle · 18/12/2016 20:59

Yes it is wrong, on many levels. But nobody here knows exactly what happened, yet a lot of posters seem very certain about things. Can't see how that's helpful to OP, much less the near victim blaming that was starting upthread.

RochelleGoyle · 18/12/2016 21:02

Rice, you're missing my point. I'm not doubting that there has been an offence. we just don't know how far it went. Actually yes, the police definitely would 'chase him down' for grooming, whether there had been sexual contact or not. There doesn't have to have been for an offence to have been committed.

liletsthepink · 18/12/2016 21:06

Op, you've had the most awful shock and this must be so upsetting for you.

My advice is don't visit him, because you need to allow yourself to process what has happened. Unfortunately, this is going to affect you and your DCs for a long time.

funnyandwittyusername · 18/12/2016 21:08

You should have a family liaison officer (isn't that right with police arrests?) they can advise you on what to tell your boys

No that most definitely isn't the case. Why post if you have no fucking clue what you're talking about?

AChangeOfName · 18/12/2016 21:12

It sounds like the husband has been arrested but he will be bailed under conditions while the police search the computers, consult with the prosecutor etc. This is a difficult time because he has NOT been found guilty and indeed may never face charges. SS will be in touch to advise on the level of contact allowed with the DC.

OP - SS basically want to ensure you're taking this seriously from the point of view of the children. It sounds like you are, so that should be a quick visit.

The worst part is the next 3-6 months when everything will go through your mind - guilty, not guilty etc. The uncertainty is awful. Flowers

NoSunNoMoon · 18/12/2016 21:14

The OP will have questions. Maybe her H didn't know the girl was only 15, this make a big difference imo.

OP, get this deleted you are being given some dreadful inaccurate advice.

Gooseygoosey12345 · 18/12/2016 21:27

Shit! This must be a massive shock to you OP. I understand your head must be all over the place and it's going to be a bit up and down for you for a while. You have to put your kids first now so I wouldn't visit him if I were in your shoes but it's your decision. I don't think there's anything to be said anyway. Your relationship is over and SS will probably not let him see the kids apart from in a contact centre now (although that's not certain). I would go through a mediator if it were me.
I hope you have rl support to help you through this but feel free to pm me if you're struggling

HeadfirstForHalos · 18/12/2016 21:39

Op, I hope you're okay Flowers

In answer to your question, no I wouldn't go and see him, at least not until I knew more.

BushyBushyTinsel · 18/12/2016 21:39

What an awful situation for you. Please think of your children and do what is in their best interest. From the limit information you have provided I would say no contact at all. Do not allow him to be bailed to your address either if you wish your children to remain with you.

BushyBushyTinsel · 18/12/2016 21:39

Limited*

Miserylovescompany2 · 18/12/2016 21:44

NoSunNoMoon the victim could have been a lot younger when this started? Please don't try to minimise the severity of OP's situation. For all we know OP's husband could of been a teacher or youth worker? Thus holding a position of trust.

Police don't make arrests on a whim. I'd imagine there has already been a statement made from the victim or their family? The victims devices would already of been taken. Prior to the arrest. A great deal goes on behind the scene prior to an arrest. The seizing of his devices will be to add to evidence already in place.

Cherrysoup · 18/12/2016 21:54

A man I know slept with a 15 year old. He says she said she was 17. He did time for it. His dd were very young at the time and l knew nothing about it. When they were mid teens, it blew up on Facebook. It has destroyed them. Please be honest with your ds, OP.

Flowers and Wine for you. This must be incredibly hard for you.

WellErrr · 18/12/2016 22:01

How awful. Hope you're ok Flowers

Oblomov16 · 18/12/2016 22:23

I think some posters are posting, whilst making assumptions and presumptions. There's not enough info from OP, to make clear suggestions and recommendations.

I suspect OP will have to wait to see what happens before she makes any decisions.

Has her husband been bailed yet?

forumdonkey · 18/12/2016 22:31

From my persepective even with what OP knows as fact, her DH embarked on an online relationship where he arranged and met with an OW who, whether he knew or not was only a 15 year old girl and he has been arrested and she is dealing with the fall out. That would be enough for me to say fuck you and tell him to fuck off forever. Just on that alone, there would be no contact neither would I give him the benefit of the doubt. I'd be protecting myself and DCs

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