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Original poster

Husband has been arrested.

182 replies

user1482079084 · 18/12/2016 16:56

He wants me to go and visit him. Would you? The relationship is over. However, he is still the father to my children. It's to do with a 15 year old girl.

OP posts:
PurpleCrazyHorse · 18/12/2016 17:41

I wouldn't rush to see him right now. I'd find out the full facts, find out about what SS involvement might involve etc, then contact him about practical arrangements going forward.

My step-bro lied through his teeth, very convincingly, about a crime which a court found him guilt of. Maybe in his brain he hadn't committed a crime so it wasn't a lie IYSWIM, but he did and got a prison term for it. Be wary of your partner, their spin on events and their possible genuine belief they've done nothing wrong.

happychristmasbum · 18/12/2016 17:43

No, I would not go and visit him. I would steer well clear of the whole thing to be honest.

TheTantrumCometh · 18/12/2016 17:44

No, I would not go and see a disgusting pervert, in custody, in prison, at all.

FannyWisdom · 18/12/2016 17:45

Fuck that.
Already minimising to only taken her out....

Just no.
A lifetime of unhappiness there.

Joanna0685 · 18/12/2016 17:45

I would stay well away and in a selfish way be glad you have boys not girls. I am not sure what to tell your children, maybe Daddy has done something bad and has to go away. I think it is a bit to much for them at that age to learn what actually happened, also I hope they do not get bullied at school due to his actions. Such a shitty time of year for this to happen, stay strong.

forumdonkey · 18/12/2016 17:48

I don't know how pp know the circumstances with the limited posts on this thread, but I assume they're correct because you acknowledged them. If it's what they're saying I'm shocked that you seem to be minimising and don't seem to grasp the gravity and severity of it.

Branleuse · 18/12/2016 17:48

Im sorry youre going through this OP x

Original poster
user1482079084 · 18/12/2016 17:50

Because I'm bloody stressed. His devices were seized, so was the family computer, family iPad, etc.

How have I not grasped the severity of it? Hmm of course I bloody have. Blimey, I wish I didn't bother.

OP posts:
PeppaIsMyHero · 18/12/2016 17:51

I'm so sorry you're in this situation. I imagine it's hugely stressful and worrying. You also sound like a wonderful parent, so listen to your gut instinct and follow that. xx

Waltermittythesequel · 18/12/2016 17:51

Dirty bastard.

To answer your op, no I wouldn't go anywhere near him ever again.

Waltermittythesequel · 18/12/2016 17:52

I think posters would do well to remember that this is bound to be a huge shock to OP.

Perhaps cut her some slack?

ssd · 18/12/2016 17:53

TBH your only priority here is to your children. If you dont sit down and tell them about this soon they will be hearing it at school.

Bluntness100 · 18/12/2016 17:54

Op. what's he been arrested for? You've said his side of the story, but you've not said what he's actually been arrested for. Or where he is that he wants you to visit.

If he had an online relationship then physically met this girl, then irrelevant of what happened, and it's hard to believe nothing, then if he's successfully prosecuted, and he's clearly admitting he did that at least, then he will not only serve jail time, he will go on the sex offenders register. Where ever he lives in future people will be able to find out that he lives near them.

Your focus has to be on protecting the children from what's about to happen.

Miserylovescompany2 · 18/12/2016 17:55

Would I visit? Erm, no! Why? Because he is an adult who made a choice to pursue a 15YO girl.

What to tell the children? The truth delivered in an age appropriate way. If you sugar coat this and your children hear from another then I'd imagine they'd feel like shit personified.

OP, you will be left to deal with the aftermath through no fault of your own. Please don't feel any kind of obligation to visit him.

It's up to him to pursue a relationship with the children. I'd imagine there will be social services involvement to ensure everything runs as smoothly as possible.

You didn't make this mess, but, it's you left clearing it up...

Thornrose · 18/12/2016 17:55

I had to watch my dd give video evidence after been "groomed" online at 14. Sad The case still continues as he's pleaded not guilty. All the evidence is on the man's laptop.

Havent the police seized your laptops etc?

Thornrose · 18/12/2016 17:56

Sorry cross post there!

SilentlyScreamingAgain · 18/12/2016 17:56

How fucking awful for you, OP. Personally, in your position, I'd be using any free time I had to take care of myself and my boys, not popping in to hear his excuses.

As I think you've seen here, there are many folks who want to virtue signal around this behaviour. One of the methods they will uses is assuming guilt by association, so if you do want to see him, even if it's just to scream in his face or tell him you nev want to see him again, it's best to stay away so as not to give them anything to aim at you.

Good luck.

grannytomine · 18/12/2016 17:57

OP just think about what you want to do, would it help to talk to him, do you want to sort out some practical things? There is no way your children are going to be considered at risk because you talk to him, social workers will understand that there are things to sort out. I think it is hard with kids of 12, they are old enough to hear the gossip and it might be better to hear it from you but that is a hard thing to do. There are several groups that specifically support offenders families and I am sure they would give advice about how to proceed.

I hope you have some support, this must have been an awful shock.

YouJustWouldntLetItLieWouldYa · 18/12/2016 18:00

I really think you arent thinking straight op, when this gets out it affects the whole family, in fact i'd say more than the person who committed the offence. We went through similar as a child, my childhood consisted of.

No friends sleeping over.

No friends round to play.

No bloody friends.

No birthday parties because no one would come.

No invites to parties because we were the outcasts.

No days out with friends etc.

OP, do NOT do what my mother did, for the sake of yourself and your dc distance yourself. This is his issue to deal with. And when it gets out your only response needs to be to call him out for being the scumbag that he is.

Veggiesupremeextracheese · 18/12/2016 18:01

Did you have any inclining that he was capable of this? I'm so sorry you must be completely devestaed

forumdonkey · 18/12/2016 18:03

They had an 'online relationship' and went to meet her. He took her out. Nothing happened. This is what he has briefly told me.

Yes, he was living here. We hadn't been intimate for ages though.

This is why I think you are not taking the gravity of the situation seriously. It sounds like you are minimising and offering excuses for his behaviour. Shock

baconandeggies · 18/12/2016 18:05

There is no way your children are going to be considered at risk because you talk to him, social workers will understand that there are things to sort out

No. Don't respond to requests for contact. There's nothing that can't be said via intermediaries. If OP displays anything other than utter contempt and a desire to keep her children completely away from him they could be considered at risk.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 18/12/2016 18:07

I don't think MN is the right place for this. It would probably be better to get the thread deleted and access the support you need in RL.

BoreOfWhabylon · 18/12/2016 18:08

Oh god, how awful. Flowers

I don't think I'd visit him, no.

I would contact wherever he is held to discuss what happens next and, if there is the possibility of bail, to make it clear that he cannot be bailed to your address.

RochelleGoyle · 18/12/2016 18:09

forumdonkey The OP is likely to have very limited information at this stage, esp if her husband has yet to go to court. She may simply be telling us what he has told her. He may very well be minimising but it's unfair to say the OP is. What 'excuses'has she offered? People are so quick to assume guilt or denial. And denial, in such circumstances, would be an entirely human response.

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