Husband has been arrested.

[user1482079084]

He wants me to go and visit him. Would you? The relationship is over. However, he is still the father to my children. It's to do with a 15 year old girl.

If you're interested in a supposed grown arse man making excuses for grooming a child then go ahead, if not, avoid like the plague. If he's just been arrested, I'd wait till you know more facts and that's not whatever version he's concocted.

In addition, I'd refrain from saying what he's been charged with was a 'mistake', the seriousness of what ever he's been charged with needs to be addressed and making excuses and dismissing it, really is sending the wrong signal to your boys about such appalling behaviour.

This is an opportunity for you to formally distance yourself from this creep, presumably he has retained the services of a solicitor and you should be doing the same.

to make it clear that he cannot be bailed to your address. Indeed

Um, no, I tend to limit my kids' contact with paedophiles. It's a shame this one is their father, but I'm afraid my 'no paedophiles' rule has to trump any Dad of the Year attempts. Let's face it. He's not much use as a father behind bars with that kind of crime on his hands. What kind of influence is that? What words of wisdom is he hoping to impart over the visitor's table?

They're better off away from him. I don't mean that flippantly. To continue to maintain the relationship - let's visit dad, he made a little tiny mistake, but don't we all, he's still dad and we must love and forgive yadda yadda yadda - is a poor lesson for the children. It gives a very strong message that you have forgiven the crime, or are minimising it, that child victims of abuse are 'asking for it' or not to be wholly believed, that men who chase underage girls are just 'a little naughty' or made a kind of slap-on-the-wrist error. Your role is to provide strong, healthy messages to the kids, even in the face of this event, and not the mixed message of visitation and happy families.

The police NEED evidence to charge him. TBH this sounds like grooming, this could have gone on for a very long time. Trust is earned first before the predator slowly manipulates the child to do all kinds of things...THIS TAKES TIME, ENERGY AND EFFORT!

Either the CHILD herself has reported this, or someone she's confided in? My heart goes out to that poor girl and her family.

Personally, when the charges are disclosed then I'd be making plans to move where nobody knew me or my children, because YOU and YOUR boys will get the backlash of his shite!

You need to tell the kids what he's been arrested for. This happened to someone in our village and it was all over the local papers at the time of the trial. They had kids and it was the talk of the secondary school.

No, I wouldn't visit him. I would start divorcing him. All communication through a solicitor. Be guided by SS and your dc about contact.

I'd be ignoring him, but contacting SS myself to ask for advice about how to deal with this (what to tell the children, what steps to take to distance yourself from him). I also don't think it's premature to see a solicitor about a divorce.
I do understand that it's hard to get something like this straight in your head. Hard enough to process him meeting other people online, but grooming a child goes way beyond anything you could possibly be prepared for. I understand that you might need to get some sort of explanation, or scream at him or whatever. But nothing from now on can be about you, or him. It has to be about protecting your children and avoiding any suspicion that you colluded with him.
Good luck.

If I'd found out my DH had been having an EA and met a woman I'd be as angry AF, if I'd found out it was a child I'd be off the scale!!

Perfectly understandable Donkey but people process shock and distress in different ways. It feels to me like people are being quite harsh to the OP, who may well be utterly bewildered.

I don't think MN is the right place for this. It would probably be better to get the thread deleted and access the support you need in RL.

I think MN is exactly right for her.

Because if she doesn't have real life support then she is just as likely to be taken in by him as his victims.

Do his family know OP?

I think not only does the op need support, she also needs to face what he's been arrested for

saying "They had an 'online relationship' and went to meet her. He took her out. Nothing happened. This is what he has briefly told me.

Yes, he was living here. We hadn't been intimate for ages though"

the though terrifies me, its like almost excusing him....

OP needs to get angry. Already her DH seems to be minimising and excusing and OP is accepting it and questioning seeing him, so he can minimising more I expect. Even without knowing the details, even with the minimum he's admitted to, it's serious and OP should tell him to fuck off.

Ssd that is how I read it too

I think SS will be around pdq given that he has been living in the same house with other children

I agree.

I certainly wouldn't be going to see him!

I was just typing what he said to me and then answering the question about our relationship. I am not excusing it AT ALL. It's awful, there can be no excuses.

I agree ssd.

I don't see the op minimising
OP I would contact SS yourself because you mustn't let him come back to your home. You need official support but if you need to vent here, please feel free.

Can you afford to get legal advice?

You could try phoning the duty officer at the police station for more info??

OP you asked should you see him as he's requesting. I think the answer is no. Be prepared for him being named if he's convinced. You need to look after yourself and Dcs. Sadly I know 3 women who stood by their man and I know of 2 of them who were convicted and imprisoned for doing it again.

This thread is veering towards blaming the op for something her male partner did. At the very least its being implied that she is colluding with him.
Why do we always need to find a woman to blame ffs?

She isn't excusing him. She it reporting what HE said to her.

There is a lot of apparent anger direct at her. Back the fuck off.

Her life has just been turned upside down but the dirty fucker.

Hi OP, I'm sorry you're in this situation.

I second the suggestion of speaking to the family liaison officer. Ask them, or social services, for advice in talking to your boys and regarding any contact between them.

Only see your exP if you want to and will gain anything from it.

Wishing you a much better 2017.

No, I read the 'though' to mean 'we have not had a close relationship for some time' - not excusing his actions at all.

I think the OP needs support.
And information - RL, hard facts, not internet speculation.

SS should not be feared, so saying 'don't do this or that because otherwise it will count against you' is just counterproductive.
I don't think that the OP sounded like she wanted to see him - there may be sound reasons why she needs to but none of us know the whole situation.
Yes, her children need to be protected, but we do not know from what on here.

user, I hope you can get some clarity on everything

So sorry to hear this OP, can't imagine how frazzled your brain must be right now trying to take this all in and then the next steps.

Personally, I wouldn't go to see him no.

And I would do my best to take care of me and the children. I can't even imagine how you'd begin to think of what to tell the children, I feel upset at the thought of you having to do this

Are your family or any friends aware of this? Just so you have got some real life support?

I am assuming that he was arrested then bailed somewhere that he couldn't be in contact with children. Possibly with a relative. OP is free to visit him if she wishes. I think that is what she is asking about. I would say it depends if you have things you need to talk about especially in relation to the children.

This might just be the tip of the iceberg op

It takes time for police to go through his devices etc. So who knows what else is on there