Anyone else happy to stay single forever

[Gorgeoussunset]

I am divorced and have been single for 5 years now. I genuinely do not hate men and have many male friends and some family. But unlike some of my female friends I don't want to be in a relationship. I don't have any need for a man in my life, and don't see that changing. I'm a bit surprised to feel like this, but not regretful. Some of my friends claim to understand but then go on about meeting the right person etc. Wonder if anyone else feels this way?

I think that you are just learning about yourself and what you want. You're experimenting with boundaries (as we all have to do when we find ourselves unexpectedly single) and all of that is fine.

I know that what I wanted 3 years ago is different to what I wanted 2 years ago or last year, and that is all different to what I'd want now (I separated 4 years ago).

I think that if you've had a restrictive relationship in the past, then the tendency is there to look for the opposite. But maybe if you met the 'right' person, everything would just fall into place anyway. Who knows...

It's all pretty crazy, too many variables for my liking. How can people ever be happy together long term if they are always changing?

I would agrue more of the same sounds attractive in a way. I know the old game. Get married, be the loving husband, put food on the table and shoulder the weight of the household. At least I know the rules of that game. They are familiar and ordered.

Trouble is I have taken a look over the fence and seen a huge world of possibilities. It's totally chaotic but how can I not explore now I have seen it there?

I have started to ask what do I want instead of what does she (hypothetical future woman) want? Or at least see the importance as my needs too.

But the more I see the less I see the viability in long term relationships. There seems to be too marry variables and love alone does not seem to cut the mustard. It kind of makes me sad.

There are surprisingly a number of like minded people about. It is important that the conversation about lifestyle are had early and are open and honest to discover if they are on the same wavelength as you are. These conversations I have found can be enlightening and conversely disappointing. But in truth when both parties know where they stand, the right decision for either you or them can be made. Obviously they are not conventional conversations and can sound pretty much like a pre nup, but once all boundaries have been discussed the relationship moves forward at a good pace. The respect for one another is greater and considerations for one another's lifestyle surmounts any selfishness that may arise. No means no, and is respected, because of the commitment's the other person may have, be that children, family work, or other friends. Their priorities have been discussed first and foremost and agreed upon. After all it is a relationship based on their requirement to remain single and independent. As I keep stating it is more mature, adult and mature. It is a mutual agreement. They are friends and lovers and it is respectful. We have each other but not 24/7, 365 days of the year. Emotional support is there when and if required. Physical contact is also there when and if required. It is quite simply just perfect for all concerned.

Unfortunately I've found that when men say they want to keep things casual what they mean is they want to treat you casually but they're not massively keen on being treated casually themselves. It's hard to make casual work.

I was friends and slept with an interesting supportive man who called us ''friends'' but I ended it because it was beginning to offend me. I couldn't separate his indifference from my ego. Iyswim. So I missed him but felt better afterwards.

I've had so many ''nearlys'' I'm ready for getting it right now. I want to meet somebody who will be on my page and have the same vision. If it were just easy and not hard work then that'd be my cup of tea. To quote Boy George. No more pushing water up hill though, to conform or to hope it feels right later.

How can people ever be happy together long term if they are always changing?

I've never thought of it like that but it's SUCH a good way to put it. I'm going to file that away!

noego you made me think; the fact that if you meet someone that can have that conversation in the first place is a good sign to me. I am not for smoke and mirrors, I am more for openness and honesty. If someone is willing and open to a conversation like that it would put a big tick in my box.

GloriousRoob I think viewing it a casual would to me set the mode for what you describe. But to me it is very much a two way Street and not exclusive for either party. I have had a fair bit of experience with that over the last year. It's been fun and an intresting adventure but it's lacking something and now maybe I am looking for more.

That sort of friends area is a tricky ground. In theory why can't you be friends and have sex and comforting support. On paper sounds fine but my experience is that never works out like that in real life. From my own experience this sort of relationship has lead to frustration. A miss match has grown between where I have seen it as it is on paper and the OP has grown to start seeing it as something more. The line between what is FWB and what a real relationship is blurs. Then it becomes difficult because they want to recognise it as a the relationship it practicaly is but you just don't see that person as the one you want a girlfriend/boyfriend relationship with. That's when it becomes no good for anyone once people's heads start getting messed around and time to quit. If the above makes sense.

I think FWB often has a relatively sort shelf life. Mainly in my experience that although being honest and starting on the same footing the OP ends up wanting move from me than I want to give to them. Although having said that one of my work mates had a FWB for 20 years. I guess they continued to stay matched on their reasons of it.

So maybe the lesson is Keep it causal or go for a committed relationship even if it is a separate committed relationship. Something you both take ownership of and commit to rather that a wishy washy 'friends' option with quick fire get out clause.

I think the key is "likeminded". These relationships are serious in an unconventional way and that has to be discussed openly and honestly. If they do not work out then nothing is lost except time. Each individual has there own lives and continues with them as they would have done before, without the "friend" in their lives.
Each one of my relationships has a deep emotional connection and personally I wouldn't have it any other way. In fact I would describe them a spiritual connections They feel right and so to me they are right. Yes, there will be break up's and even that is discussed openly and honestly and is even discussed prior to embarking on a relationship. One day your special friend will/might/may meet someone they want to have a monogamous relationship with and isn't it grown up and unselfish to be happy for them and wish them well for the future. This kind of break up is dealt with maturely and because there is none of the usual investments, financial or otherwise, the break up and closure of that break up is quick. Remaining friends platonically afterwards is also a choice and has been known to work.

My problem is that if I meet someone that is so special (rare), the communication and sex were great (especially communication) and add in a spiritual connection, I would go into default mode of wanting it to lead to a pair bond and ideally marriage.

That's because you have programmed and conditioned to that way of thinking Allofaflumble. This kind of relationship is totally unconventional and non conformist. it "can" and "does" work.

There are people who will touch your soul before they touch your body, people will run their fingers through your mind and make you gasp, from the profound intimacy, of being thoroughly explored.

I want you to wait for those people.

I want you to remember you deserve people like that in your life.

Just.... .don't hold your breath.

They will find you when it's time.

Noego that's a great way of looking at things.
I think we have all been fed the lie that you meet someone, are physically attracted to them, sparks fly and you fall head over heels in love with them. The rest will follow.
When actually the rest doesn't always follow and what you are left with is compromise after compromise wondering where it all went wrong.
You want it to work so you end up sacrificing a large part of your soul on the wild hope that the magic will return again. The more you invest the more you give away.

I think looking at things in a more colder, logical way is better.
Whether that means you reject someone because they don't believe in X or y. Or they are in debt or don't speak go their children or whatever your bottom line is.
I've overlooked my bottom line before, all because I was 'in love' and swept away with the romantic notion that love will conquer all when in fact it very rarely does.

I understand boolovessully. Resentment builds because you give away your soul little by little until it cannot give anymore. It is during this period that the pain and suffering surface and one is left with no alternative but to realise that the love has diminished, It becomes more and more difficult, it feels like imprisonment, and the diminished love turns to hate.
When in an open and honest relationship, where no compromises are made or accepted. Truth is spoken freely then the soul can remain intact. Because there is no financial investment, there is no fear of going separate ways if it is necessary.

Noego is living on a completely different planet to me.

Noego is living in the planet I am moving to

On the planet

I only crave a partner for about a month over the school summer holidays - ds is now coming up to 12 and I have been a single parent since he was 5 months. I also end up craving one for about a month in the run up to Xmas. Given that I have very little or no me time and the market sucks I have learned to really enjoy my own company. I took up Buddhism which has really helped me learn to come to terms with things in my life and I have some good friends. I was married 3 times in my twenties and thirties and had ds when I was 41 (planned and my only child!). His father was my fourth partner. My experiences with live in relationships have been that of havoc tension and stress. I can honestly say I prefer the simplicity of being single once you learn to enjoy your own company it really isn't so bad. For as long as you can afford to provide the essentials including all the gadgets these days and a decent school to go to and lots of love and nurturing then we have done our best. I have no family support and have had to learn to be super strong. It has taught me so much being single I don't think I would ever enjoy giving up my independence and moving in with somebody. Possibly I will feel differently once he is say 15 or 16 but then given that the market sucks and there are a lot of players and drinkers out there (in my exp) there are many many men who are also commitment phobic and don't want the bother. In terms of sex I just enjoy casual arrangements made online and as I work from home squeeze the odd encounter in! I have no issue with it and plenty find it works for them....

I have had bad experiences and have not found men worth the bother of expending endless emotional energy in them other than having men as friends or men for diy (if you know cheap handimen etc which luckily I do). I feel I have all options covered I really do! It is a good place to be. I know 3 or 4 men as platonic friends and life feels good. It means that I don't hate them either and it doesn't pay to get bitter or twisted.

What an interesting thread I came on expecting the usual l love the bed all to myself type remarks whereas there's a lot of insightful posts

I'm embarking on my eighth year single and if I'd been told that the day XH left I would have been horrified. Being single has turned out to very different from how I would've imagined it and after the first few weeks of heartbreak I quickly realised how much easier,calmer, and happier life was.

I made the decision not to look for anyone until I had reached a place where I knew I would walk away from a man , even if I was madly in love, as soon as any mistreatment began. By the time I finally got there I didn't want anyone anyway.

Occasionally I think I should try and meet someone but the feeling never lasts long enough to do anything about it. My ideal would be what several pp have said someone to spend time with who then goes back to their house - no domesticity whatsoever

Pollypelargonium. Have you tried the Advaita Vedanta teachings? An insight into your True Self and being one with the universe. I found that being at one with my presence highly enlightening.

Planet noego sounds great, but also idealistic and kinda new age cliched...sorry Noego, please dont be offended

noego it is Buddhist chanting I do the Nichiren Buddhist chanting. It is great for me. If anybody wishes to find out more please message me privately and I will be more than delighted to introduce you to it (I must add it isn't a cult in case that sounded overly evangelistic!!). Having tried so many self-help strategies over the years (I am in my fifties) it is like a cross between healing and counselling combined.

Each to their own at the end of the day. I have found the best relationship one can have is with oneself and the universe (beyond our children naturally) and if we are at peace with that there is no need for looking for men/relationships/people to make us more complete as we have reached an inner peace and serene state no person can give us..... Just my view/exp. That isn't to say we have no right to wish or choose to have a partner/partners (a few Buddhists are into polyamorous but are by no means common in the type I practise) but it isn't an essential once we have reached a stronger sense of self and contentment.

PP52. Om Shanti. Namaste. Beloved one.

I did wait while my son was growing up, bar a few flings. When he went to uni I met someone and it was yet another fiasco ( too long and boring to go into). Feel I am defective and only attract similar, psychopaths or lame ducks, so have zero faith I would meet anyone remotely normal and doubt I am in that category myself!

Speaking as a practising astrologer I have to say a lot of this depends on our individual venus aspects and the ruler of our 7th house. Sorry to talk shop like that most normal people won't have a clue what I am banging on about it is very very hard to change our relationship karma all I know is I have gone from needing constant serial rescue relationships to be satisified with myself enough to not crave a new person in my life. How I will feel once ds leaves home I don't know but to be honest I think I would just work towards finding more and more happily adjusted single women friends. In this part of the country there are a lot of couples and barely anybody is single and i used to live in London for many many years where it is socially acceptable to be single and to not get questioned or judged. It can be a strain but to my mind relationships get in the way of many other things and I do not wish to overcompromise as I do not feel needy whatsoever.

I'm getting divorced at the moment and one of the reasons is that I want to pursue poly relationships similarly to Noego. My DH did agree to a trial open relationship but he hated it. fair enough it's not for everyone. I cannot do monogamy any more. Also I hate living with a man child and don't want to share my space with another adult again. I love having a shag and then sleeping in separate rooms or preferably houses!

Polyamorous Definition? The first thing to understand is that anyone who is Polyamorous is not just interested in having sex with lots of different people. This is generally a common mis-conception and generally misunderstood by the public.

To be polyamorous simply means that you are not monogamous in your relationships. However, poly people and their lovers will generally have many relationships and believe you can love and have meaningful relationships with more than just one person. Many believe that monogomy is not natural for them and could lead people to be unhappy and even cheat in the long term. That simply is how the polyamorous definition is properly explained. Polyamoruous people practice Polyamory (see dictionary meaning above) and are also known as Poly people