Anyone else happy to stay single forever

[Gorgeoussunset]

I am divorced and have been single for 5 years now. I genuinely do not hate men and have many male friends and some family. But unlike some of my female friends I don't want to be in a relationship. I don't have any need for a man in my life, and don't see that changing. I'm a bit surprised to feel like this, but not regretful. Some of my friends claim to understand but then go on about meeting the right person etc. Wonder if anyone else feels this way?

Sort of put off the idea again. It is a weakness in the wrong hands

nicenewdusters despite everything me and my ex wife are still bonded through the kids and our shared history. We still find warmth through that and a few laughs. Life is complicated

I'm glad you have that 1Dad it's so good for your kids as well. Life is indeed complicated. You must be quite a forgiving person. I like the use of the word "warmth", that's not something you hear of very often between ex's, especially when one has been unfaithful.

I have the same warmth (for now) and it does help immensely, in re to the children of course but also in re to one's own loneliness. It doesn't quite feel like a severed family, just a new adjustment. Easier to be able to talk about the children and keep that shared history together. For now. But now is good enough.

The past is the past. We have two great children and I try my best to get my ex involved and facilitate the kids having a good relationship with her. We do share common history, shared experiance and many good times. Yes she was emotionally abusive, a little pyshical at times and treated me terrible in the end. But life is full of complexity. I have learned so much about her recently and who she is. She is just wired differently I think. Inherently selfish, insecure and with her own demons. Maybe (I am no qualifed shrink) a personality disorder thrown in too. I did however know she was difficult when I married her but I loved her (more fool me). But yes I stood by her and her moods ect through everything so completely gutted when cheated on me and quit on our family. But you have to look past the past and see where you want to go in the future. Sometimes you need to let's go of the wrongs against you, leave the past in the past and extend the olive branch.

therealpippi yes in terms of a family it is just a new model. She lives about 100 miles away. But she has spent Christmas with us. She sees them every fortnight and in some of the holidays. We had a holiday together a couple of months ago for the Blackpool illuminations. We are planning on one in April. It's important for me to let the kids know they have a mother and facilitate her involment where I can.

The kids are bigger than both of us (figuratively speaking of course).

Couldn't agree more 1Dad, about letting go of wrongs and olive branches. I told my ex I held no grudges, what's done was done etc, and extended the olive branch. Sadly the branch was snapped off, chopped up and fed through a chipper !

I still encourage and facilitate their relationship with him - just at a distance. I think it takes a certain level of maturity and kindness to do as you have. Your ex wife is very fortunate.

Luckily it has been recipricated. I knew it would take an unorthodox approach. She is the sort of woman who would cut her nose of to spite her face. Her response to hostility is often disproportional. She has always been this way and hot headed. I think she covers her weaknesses and insecurities this way. If had let anger and resentment get the best of me it would have resulted in a spiral of conflict I think. She would have done her very best to be awkward. Instead we are building something that all things considered is a very successful outcome. I am sorry ex relations are not working as well for you.

'The kids are bigger than both of us (figuratively speaking of course).'

So true.

I like my h more in a way now bevause his behaviour does not affect me so much and I have space to be. I can accept him for who he is and see his many positives, as a dad and a friend, as an exh. But I need some distance. The 100 metres are enough.

Anyway, I think we are highjacking the thread.

Maybe a little but these are all factors to consider when working out to stay single or not.

waves

I saw the thread title and thought yup, that's me!

Been separated six months-ish. He still contacts me every few weeks asking if we can give it another try, and I keep telling him I'm happy alone and want to stay this way. Even if I meet someone else, I don't want to live together. Houses on the same street would be good, with visits by invitation only. I'm not made for cohabiting.

Being on this singleton path is so liberating. I agree with you all those comments that state there is more to being single than cohabiting. Like you Richard Bucket, I agree they can live where ever they want and come round by invitation and conversely be invited round to their place. So much better and so much more fun. It is for me a utopian way of conducting ones life. If you get it right, it is the best of both worlds, freedom, splashed with love, affection and physical contact, as and when wanted or required by the individuals concerned. For me it is much more mature than what is considered to be the "normal" sort of relationships that convention seems to require.

That's my ideal too. Since I was 17 and read Simone De Beauvoire's autogiographical books. I loved that she never lived with Sartre, thatshe had her own life and yet shared so much with him. Obviously she didnot have children which makes it easier but it can be done with too, just more carefully.

It is an ideal existence, that is for sure.

If you get it right, it is the best of both worlds, freedom, splashed with love, affection and physical contact, as and when wanted or required by the individuals concerned. For me it is much more mature than what is considered to be the "normal" sort of relationships that convention seems to require agree totally, but I consider myself a contrarian, my default setting is to go against convention.
It seems to me that many people find going against convention very uncomfortable, the pressure to conform bears down upon them and they feel as if they ought to be happy co habiting even if they are not...there is an assumption that in order to be worthwhile or meaningful a relationship must progress towards cohabitation.

It's sure hard work swimming against the tide

....that's not to deride those who follow convention, it's a force which acts upon people!
if you are 'wired' to go against it then it can be easy not to do the done thing.

For those who aren't then it takes mental effort/energy to resist, if you are stressed or just have a lot on your plate then you don't always have the spare energy to swim upstream

anarchy springs to mind :o)

This is a really interesting thread.

When I was about 15/16 I knew I wanted to be single. I said I'd never get married and people laughed at me. My parents pretty much told me that all of adult life would be denied to me as a single woman. They told me that women simply didn't stay single. So I tried. And failed. To make good relationships. I wish I hadn't. I wish I'd been single and done all the things I wanted to do. My life would have looked very different to it does now, and I might not have been any happier, but at least it would have been the life I wanted and not the life I believed I should have.

I'm making sure my children know that they have true and genuine choices about the way they live their lives.

And as I've said before (and will no doubt say again!) I'd really like to just be loved. I think If I could be loved, just once; know it was possible and what it felt like. I'd be content with being single. I think it really must be true, the saying that it's better to have loved and lost... but then, if you 'lose it', was it ever really love in the first place?

GhostOfChristmasYetToCome I think we all do. I like my life as it is now and don't really want to change much. But it is just missing that little something. It's nice to know I am not the only one who seeks a deep and meaningful relationship with someone but does not want to be in their pocket 24/7. The discussion has given me the bravery to actually believe this may be possible. Maybe something worth discussing at an early stage in a relationship? Wouldn't want to be years down the line in a position where they would be expecting to cohabit or marry? Of course I suppose that would also make me look like one of those commitment phobic men who wont marry or move in that people are always complaining about on here?

I don't think it does make you sound commitment phobic (although maybe that's the reality! Who knows, it's certainly been suggested to me before as a reason why I'm single and can't make good relationships with good and decent men who might have the capacity to love...) I think people only get angry and upset when they feel that someone has misrepresented who they are and what they want. I think that if you're open and honest from the start, then people can make a choice from the start. It's up to them if they choose to ignore it, or if they are one of those annoying women (usually women) who are of the opinion that men don't really know their own minds...

Actually, 1DAD, I nearly said this a couple of days ago. I remember when you first started posting on here. You sound so much stronger now than you did then, so much more in control and so much happier. Without sounding patronising, well done x

No thank you, I really appreciate it. I am going through a massive phase of discovery at the moment. My whole perception of love, romance and relationships has been completely shattered. It all looks now a lie. Although hard to understand as it's a model that worked so well for my parents and grandparents who like I said were deeply in love till death parted them. 16 years and my mum still will not look at another man. So I am starting a square one again. Plus having the kids does also make me change the specification a lot. I wonder now if there is another way of doing things. I mean I have always liked my own space too. My ex wife never liked me spending any time on my own or doing my hobbies. Ironically of course I don't get time for that either. Yes my heart has been shattered but there does seem a part of me that wonders if I have involuntarily been liberated?

Ghost I remember saying to my mum when I was about 7, "what if I don't get married?" and she said ''you willl". .. I have two children but I didn't marry their Dad. But that mentality, that you just grow up and get married and that's normal, it's no wonder my parents don't understand me! They have no idea what it's like to be single, in terms of grappling with occasional loneliness, dealing with weird comments, dealing with society being set up for couples... going on holiday on my own last summer confused my mum so much! She couldn't understand it at all. So much of what I'd chalk down to valuable life experience and character building experiences, they literally have no experience at all.