Anyone else happy to stay single forever

[Gorgeoussunset]

I am divorced and have been single for 5 years now. I genuinely do not hate men and have many male friends and some family. But unlike some of my female friends I don't want to be in a relationship. I don't have any need for a man in my life, and don't see that changing. I'm a bit surprised to feel like this, but not regretful. Some of my friends claim to understand but then go on about meeting the right person etc. Wonder if anyone else feels this way?

[Mumfun]

I think age is really affecting potentially changing my choices. Anyone else?

I feel more confident in who I am and like myself more. Ive sorted out a lot of issues I had. I have a place to live that I can stay in and am not dependent on anyone else for it.

I think changing balance of hormones at perimenopause has also changed how I feel. I think I feel more sex focused and that it is more important than a relationship at present as friends family provide a lot of companionship and friendship. I feel a little less attached to dependent children and more focussed on myself and what I want.

I have a few friends at perimenopause who seem to have shut down more on sex and find it is not important any more or much less important.

Feel I need to work through this all over the next few months of 2017.

Happy New Year everyone anyway and thanks for the mental stimulation and challenge provided in 2016 :)

[noego]

In my case I think age was a factor, say late 40's onwards. But also psychological release from the conventional status quo of relationships, Also added to the mix was the spiritual journey of discovering the True Self and the divorce from the egoic identity I had been programmed and conditioned to by society.

[1DAD2KIDS]

Mumfun its intresting you say about hormonal changes. I know it's person specific to a certain extent but in some they can make great changes to a person. When you mix that with the other changes that life experiance brings makes me wonder how realistic is it for people to grow and change together? My perception is that although men do change over the years they are not so prone to huge radical changes with age. So is in fact actually an unrealistic expectation to say marry someone in your 20s and expect to be still on the same wavelength and desires in your 50s as people change so much? Is there ever an age where people know who they are and what they want? Because I do wonder when you marry young the person you marry could be completely different in their 50s say. What you see is not always what you end up getting. Of course change is natural but does it therefore make the idea of a life relationship a foolish notion?

[noego]

It is a fact that we are note the same as we once were. We are not the same as we were at 10 years old or 20 or 30 or 40 or 50 or 60. WE may have fell in love at 30 and wanted to spend the rest of our lives with that person. But then "life" gets in the way and we are not the same 10 years or 20 years later. Age, hormones, our bodies, our mind set changes sometimes for the better sometime for the worse. The person you fell in love with is not the same person you see today. Love changes, devotion changes. It can even change in a week or a month. Loving yourself first and foremost is the key. It is the one you will most definitely spend the rest of your life with. Sometimes you will like yourself, sometimes you won't. But who is the "real" one. This is the BIG question.

[noego]

If you cannot find a good companion to walk with. Walk Alone. It is better to be alone than to be with those that will hinder your progress.
The Dhammapada

[1DAD2KIDS]

To what extent do we define a good partner? We seem to be setting the bar quiet high these days.

Also maybe there is a bit of a selfish premise behind that. The idea that if something is a burden we should drop it. Maybe we should? Maybe I need to learn to serve my own intrests before others. But then where does that self centred view affect wider society?

Here's a curb ball. I think in all honesty many people would not be interested in dating someone who couldn't full fill our physical needs or share in many of the things we enjoy. For most that would be a non starter. So what happens if we are in a RTL relationship with someone who fulfills our needs but then say has a terrible accident and is no longer able to offer all the things they used too. Maybe they become brain damaged, maybe totally immobile and dependent on you, maybe they are incapable of fulling your sexual needs. In so many instances when people talk of a partner who no longer ticks the boxes the advise is often on her to leave them. What about if they can no longer offer the things we want due to say an accident? What if they do start to hinder your progress through no fault of their own? Do we dump them off and go alone (or until we find another good walking partner)? I am not judging or saying it's right or wrong just posing the question.

People often quote corinthians when explaining love. But is that the love we want? Do we want something that is devoted to others and selfless? Or do we want something far more self serving?

[noego]

I think that being able to let partners have complete psychological and physical freedom is the most unselfish thing you can do.

If a partner becomes ill or physically impaired, then they would or should have the same selfless attitude to the relationship.

[Boolovessulley]

Well I suppose some people do leave their partner for a ' better model',
Whether that is someone who is younger, able to have a child or whatever so it is already happening.

[1DAD2KIDS]

I suppose in an ideal world of everyone being selfless it would be easy to be selfless. In a way if everyone was selfless it would all most impossible to be selfless if that makes sense. But this is rarely the case. It seems there are them that give and them take in this world.

And what if the op was not so selfless and expects you to stand by them? Do we simply say sorry your now a hindrance, good bye? Must admit that might feel a little bit of a kick in the teeth.

Boolovessulley and yes if we follow the model of putting our self first then upgrading for a better model (or what we belive they are simply looking after their intrests? To be truly happy do we need to bin the concept of loyalty?

I must admit I am feeling somewhat delusioned about the idea of love. It's starting to feel like something quite fickle. Was my old idea of true love a total lie?

[noego]

The love portrayed in novels, movies, magazines etc = pseudo love and is unreal, but followed my the masses as the ideal. A bit like looking at the world through rose tinted glasses.
Deep emotional attachment that is found only through the discovery of the spiritual being is what I would term as Pure Love it is this that is unconditional.
A bit like the time you held your new born in your arms :o) If oyu don't have that feeling for someone then to me it is unreal and therefore pseudo love.

[1DAD2KIDS]

Noego I thought I had that unconditional love for my ex wife. Maybe in a way I do. I would have forgiven her anything. I was patient with her, understanding. I did not abandon her like she did me. I would have never abandon her. What ever she did I would have never have stopped loving her. But then I guess eventually you have to concede defeat and that that person is gone. I spent months of guilt because despite all she did to me I felt guilty on giving up on her. I have lost all romantic feeling for her now and would never want her back. But in a strange way I still care for her. Not in a romantic way but like a close family member if that makes sense (maybe not, its a hard concept). In fact when we were on holiday with the kids the guy at the guest house assumed we were brother and sister because we had separate rooms, the way we where close to each other but not in sexual way and clearly knew each other well. Maybe despite everything a different sort of love for her still remains. Not a romantic or sexual love more a love you have for a member of your family. Despite everything I could not hate her. Maybe its because she's the kids mum or maybe there is some unconditional love on a very different plain but we are still connected on a different frequency.

What is crazy is I have been so jaded on the idea of true love. It seems something intangible. Or at least to me and to most but I do know it existed because I have seen it for my self. My parents where great testament to it. But to chase it seems such a foolish notion. Logic, odds and experience tell me to try a different path.

[Mumfun]

I loved my ex very much and would have done anything for him, But he cheated and behaved badly to me.

I have discussed this with some friends where the same happened and the conclusion was that we would never put our everything into a relationship in the same way again. I would never stop seeing my friends now and having some separate interests to a new partner. I am much more now my secure base and dont look to anyone else to be it.

Someone who adopted the attitude of purely caring for themself though I think would not be of interest to me. I think they would come across as too self focused. I am definitely attracted to people as friends and lovers who do things for others and who are loving to others. I am also attracted to people who are into personal growth and self development.

Your point about how much you take care of a partner/spouse is difficult. I would never have abandoned ex when married if something bad had happened to him. Instinctively I think if you marry someone you should try to work things out with them. I would have looked after ex if he became disabled. However longer term it is very tough .

Noego said some are givers and some are takers - I think this is largely true. You can apply to committed relationships too. Some are selfless in taking care of partners who have difficulties while others do decide to leave.

[Mumfun]

I am not jaded re true love though as I do believe that relationships based in this way are possible But I doubt perhaps that this will happen for me again. And I do have several true love friendships that perhaps compensate.

I do think the true love relationships are generally more likely to start when younger and rarer as you get older - maybe this is cynical

[noego]

Letting someone go that you love and giving them their freedom is the most unselfish thing you can bestow on another being. It is unconditional.
We let our children go when they are ready to spread their wings, so why not a loved one.

[1DAD2KIDS]

Mumfun I have become cynical. Think that's why am exploring so many ideas about the nature of love, relationships and what works best. The more I did the more depressing it becomes. Sometimes I wish I could go back to those days where it was just me, my wife and our love against the world. I would have never left her side, for better or for worse. Obviously the days before she ran off with another man and abandoned me. Before I uncovered years of lies aimed at dividing me from my friends and family. Before I realised how she had controlled me and all I had missed out on over the years. Too late now I have taken to red pill and uncovered a whole new and crazy world. Logic and my nature are totally at odds these days.

[PollyPelargonium52]

I know this is an old thread but it is very interesting so I wished to add some comments. I have no desire for a boyfriend whatsoever. I like casual sex but it is so easy to get this through the online options and I need men occasionally for diy and decorating help that is all. I have a handyman friend and I have a reliable gardener. Though these days I am learning to do some decorating on my own as it is cheaper plus empowering. I just can't do the 'fiddly bits' that is all i.e. window sills and skirting and ceilings make me go giddy so I pay the handyman for those areas.

I have been single broadly since ds was born so that is now 13 years and it is very liberating I have grown so much stronger as a person.

[indio32]

What do people think of being long term single during old age?

[PollyPelargonium52]

As for old age generally men become a burden as they get sick ahead of their time and long before we do. The thought of rattling around in compromised health with a man needy and sick at home to further take care of just doesn't lure me in in the slightest!

It depends on our fate of course but there is no reason we cannot still do exercise classes and keep fit even in our seventies. Plenty others still do this so there is nothing to stop us bar bad luck when ill health may afflict us.

I do not find men helpful when we are sick anyway as I have lived with four men over the years prior to having ds and they were never that kind and caring when I was ill or rundown. Little patience and little understanding and more about themselves than us if you ask me.

[indio32]

I was thinking more along the lines of when mind and mobility start to go.

[lilybetsy]

I am 53 and have been single for about 18 months now following the end of an extremely abusive relationship. I'm just finding my feet again with my boys 19,15 and 13. We have all been damaged by the experience and will never live with another man whilst my kids are at home.
I am equipped to be completely independent. I earn enough and have always been the higher earner. I'm actually quite comfortable now there is no leach draining my finances, I can afford to pay a handyman to do anything I cannot manage ( and I can manage most day to day stuff) I have a gardener, and someone to walk the dog on days I'm at work .
I like my own company, and frankly after FT work and 3 kids and a home to run there is little energy to spare. I'm quite settled on my own and growing in confidence which is fantastic after years of being bullied, critisised and intimidated.
Trust is a HUGE issue for me and I cant imagine I could ever trust anyone again to get close to me. I've never felt happy after ONS, or in FWB partnerships so for me , single is best.
I cant help hoping that a true partnership is possible, but I'm certainly not going out there to look for it !

[PollyPelargonium52]

A very inspiring message lilybetsy . I am pleased you are now on the up with your life.