Anyone else happy to stay single forever

[Gorgeoussunset]

I am divorced and have been single for 5 years now. I genuinely do not hate men and have many male friends and some family. But unlike some of my female friends I don't want to be in a relationship. I don't have any need for a man in my life, and don't see that changing. I'm a bit surprised to feel like this, but not regretful. Some of my friends claim to understand but then go on about meeting the right person etc. Wonder if anyone else feels this way?

[PollyPelargonium52]

Such an interesting thread and so pleased to know I am not the only one into poly lifestyle lol. Just not sure if I am using the vocab correctly!

[1DAD2KIDS]

I perfectly accept the idea of being able to love more than one person at the same time. If anything life has taught me 'the one' myth is a lie. I my ex was the one like I thought (once) how and I able to go on? How have I found quite meaningful causal encounters and flings? I am very open to the idea of being with and loving someone and likewise them being with and loving other people than me. The trouble is the way the world is set up and how people are programed makes a polly lifestyle difficult. Also it seems to me that often a polly relationships have a shell life. How many groups of polly lovers all stay together until death do they part? I don't know I sort of still like the idea of being with someone to my last day (chances are me die
first being a man) even though we may live separate life's too. Also from what I heard it takes a lot organisation and work. Maybe I don't have the time and/or energy for that (especially until the kids grow up).

[noego]

Being single and non monogamous is a life style choice. One has to be psychologically liberated from all concepts regarding marriage and conventional relationships. But it is not just the individual, it also applies to those with whom you have engaged with. Being poly also means you have the capacity to love all beings unconditionally. This can then be taken into open relationships, because emotional traits like jealousy do not exist. Letting others be liberated and free to do what they want is encouraged.

[user1477416713]

Noego has explained poly very well according to my understanding. My only area of difference is that I'm not sure whether it is "just" a lifestyle choice. To me, it's part of my identity that I am not a monogamous person. In the past this has caused me and others a lot of pain as I have been unable to be happily monogamous. I would never commit to another monogamous r'ship as a result.

[Mumfun]

Really interesting thread especially thanks to 1DAD and noego really thought provoking. Helping me think through how I want to move forward from my currently single situation. I've really changed in a number of ways over the past 2 years in my life and this could be another :)

[1DAD2KIDS]

Mumfun you know the crazy thing is it been 1.5 yrs now of constant change. Relationship wise I really don't know where it will lead and how it will pan out. But I do know there are options and other ways. When you live in a world that only seems to represent one way of doing things it's so refreshing to know there are others who ponder the same questions. My main goal how ever things pan out is to not repeat my relationship mistakes of the past. As much as I was devoted to my marriage I am starting to see that it was also very oppressive. I have always been bought up to sacrifice and serve others. That was how I was as a serviceman and a husband. I made me feel proud but it came a personal expense that I always bore on my shoulders. But it's time to make space for me and let myself flourish. It's a crazy ride right now.

[noego]

Old proverb, I don't remember where it comes from.

Love yourself first, because that's who you will be spending the rest of your life with.

I was in conversation with a GF last night and she had a LTR with some one for 7/8 years. They both lived separately in their own homes and she says "best relationship ever" This from a woman who had been married twice and had also lived with someone. She has 28 year old DS living with her at the moment whilst he is between properties and she is finding that a little frustrating. She is tidy he isn't. She is also monogamous and doesn't care for non monogamy. That is her lifestyle choice and of course being a dear friend I respect.

[nicenewdusters]

I like that proverb Noego and have found your posts really interesting. I've been very interested in Buddhist practices and teachings for about the last 20 years. Like Polly it's been a major factor in my ability to enjoy the single life, which was not what I had intended or forseen. Discovering that you can be comfortable with change, and accepting that people will and do drift in and out of your life has been eye opening.

[May50]

noego - your GF has the ideal I think - if I ever do date again (ha - at the moment no chance, going to relish being single), but if I do I think that a LTR in separate houses is perfect. But for the moment I am going to work on myself, find myself whatever - because I don't love myself yet - so that's the first step. Feeling positive about 2017 though.

[stripeylion3]

This

[PollyPelargonium52]

Oddly enough even though I practise Buddhism when I attend meetings most of them are in relationships that are monogamous perhaps word hasn't got round how great poly lifestyle and/or being single actually is!

Very few are single there. Where I now live in England very few single women even actually exist it is totally different from London/East Anglia where I have lived in the past.

[noego]

For me the spiritual path enlightens us to much more than our programmed and conditioned world would have us accept.
The dropping of concepts such as marriage is just part of the path. Dropping concepts such as capitalism, democracy, socialism, politics in general, religion, education and what would be considered cultural norms.
Marriage was at one time a negotiated contract between two families to the betterment of either family or business. Otherwise known as an arranged marriage. Then 200 years ago approx. it became a romantic notion, brought about by the likes of the Bronte sisters and the romantic novels produced in the era and became fashionable to marry for love. Romantic love is what I would term as pseudo love. It does not gave the same content as a deep spiritual connection that can be experienced through the meeting of the infinite awareness between two people that awakening can bring.
I am a follower and practitioner of ancient teachings from Buddhism, Taoism, Osho, Dogen, Sufism, Shiva, Krishna and other ancient teachings. I am much mesmerised by the poems of Rumi. I am an advocate of Advaita Vedanta teaching. These have shown me through experience and discovery my ever present witnessing awareness. This is how my decision to become non monogamous, polyamorous and in open relationships. In a previous life, I have been married, lived with partners and from my "now" experience would never return to what is considered to be conventional, normal, accepted in this or any other society. It is the individualistic spiritual existence with the capability of loving every living thing for me. It is life as it should be lived in my experience. I am enjoying this debate and discussion so in answer to the OP's original question, my answer is a great, big, resounding YES !!

[nicenewdusters]

May50 I too like the idea of a LTR in separate houses. My dm, married for over 50 years, has told me this wouldn't work. Apparently all relationships need to be heading towards living together/marriage. I don't argue with her, she's a different generation and has had a totally different experience of relationships to me. When she says this I just think yes, it should be heading towards something - contentment, happiness, freedom?

Noego has posted about the evolution of marriage for love. Also, when the vow "till death us do part" was originally made, you would be lucky to be together for decades. Diseases, the dangers surrounding childbirth, dangerous jobs, general living conditions - people just weren't alive as long to be married for such long periods. Also, I think (most) women's lives have changed so much that we are the one's contemplating a different future. There's so little stigma attached to separation now. Also women having an independent income is so normal that staying trapped in a stale loveless marriage can be avoided.

I know there's a long way to go, many women are still economically trapped and carry the main responsibility for childcare. But it's changing - and both men and women know it and feel it.

[Formerpigwrestler9]

My dm, married for over 50 years, has told me this wouldn't work
I suppose it depends what you mean by 'work'

If you live together you have joint possessions, a joint home etc and so there is much more to loose if the relationship breaks down.

Perhaps what she means (or would if she cared to examine her thoughts on the matter) is that living together means that you are more likely to stay together because you are bound together by material possessions and the economic advantages of co habiting.

[nicenewdusters]

Formerpigwrestler9 (love your name)

It's interesting to think about. I suppose because it's "worked" for her/them, ie they've stayed together, largely happily, for so long, she sees this as the ideal, the norm. They met when they were very young, and as a couple experienced something so awful it splits most up (about 95%). But they survived, and have a good life together.

I can therefore understand why she thinks as she does. But I haven't been (lucky?) enough to have her experience. Then again we're very different people, so maybe that partly explains why we've sought and found different things. Weirdly she has also said to me that she thinks now I'm better off on my own, even though I have dc. I agree that for the time being I am.

[Formerpigwrestler9]

It sounds as if it was ideal for her under the circumstances and times that she lived in, times change, there are more and different opportunities open to people

[Formerpigwrestler9]

(love your name)

thanks, it's my new one :o

[1DAD2KIDS]

I think it still has its place for some. My parents I have no doubt would still be very happy together if my dad didn't die. They had been through so much and loved each other dearly. My brother and SIL I see the same. I think they will be happy together till death do they part too. But I think that such mutually devoted love and team work is rare these days. I don't know if that is for me anymore as my belief in it has been totally shattered. For me I think there is a better way that suits me and my personality better. But everyone is different and I do think it works for some. But I doubt it works for a good portion of society.

[May50]

I feel a bit sad that I didn't manage to marry and remain married and be happy (like my DB and SIL) but maybe if you do that's just pure chance anyway. People can change so much over 20/30 years - you may grow together but may grow apart in opposite directions. But I have to live more in the moment (I am terrible for looking backwards and regretting and wishing I'd done things differently). Now I am single I may find that it suits me perfectly - with the odd date now and again maybe

[Streuth]

I also think in the past family was (almost) everything! No welfare state or such like. Everything was about family and tribe - work, religion, health, education, sex etc. With the rise of capitalism and the individual things have obviously changed. You don't marry your childhood sweetheart at 19 anymore. Men and woman change jobs, residences, schools and colleges regularly. Getting married late, if at all, is quite normal. There are some benefits of course, but it is also arguable that we have lost some deep connections to each other and the natural world.

[GloriousRoob]

My childhood sweetheart turned out to be gay. Glad I didn't marry him. But maybe the divorce would have been amicable. Actually I know a woman who is divorcing a man who is gay and that is not amicable. So scrap that.

[noego]

bump

[1DAD2KIDS]

Also the big thing I miss is having a partner to go on little trips away. I miss that a lot. Me and my ex would drop the kids off at her parents about once a month and I would book a romantic weekend away. I enjoy traveling alone to but I would love to have someone to share my adventures with. I miss the little romantic adventure. Wish I hadn't thought of that now it's made me feel sad.

I would say the general concensus is No. But also the current models of relationships people are using are failing to meet people's needs. From what people have said nearly everyone is looking for a slightly different tailer made relationship model. The trouble is does anyone else see this as problematic? The more bespoke the relationship model we seek the less likely be are to find what we are looking for. It's like going to a used car dealership with a very specific spec and expecting to find the exact car. So surely unless we are very lucky we either stay single or comprise? If so how much to we comprises? At what stage is comprise too much and it becomes better to stay single?

[Boolovessulley]

I wouldn't compromise but then again I have lots of friends who I make a great effort to stay in touch with and offer support to.
It's a good support network and I can go places with them.
I'm not single but I would be if I hadn't met someone who is fright for me.

I wasn't prepared to compromise on my bottom line ever again.

You don't have to have a full time partner as such, fwb works for many people.

I think loving yourself is the key.
Find yourself first.
That way you are less likely to end up with the wrong person.

[Mumfun]

Yes 1DAD I have been missing the trips with someone over the last few months when single. I do have some friends to do that with but would prefer a partner of some type to do so - hope for that with someone of some type during 2017:)