How on earth can I keep us all safe?

[cherrycrumblecustard]

I was going to make this post about "my friend" but honestly, I think I just need to be open about me.

How do you cope? When you live with someone who

will hit (not hard and not enough to bruise but will hityou and also shove, thump things near you and so on)
won't take no for an answer for sex, pulls your pants down as you pull them up, insists, ejaculates when you don't want them to and have asked/begged/pleaded not to
controls EVERYTHING

I need out, but I am TERRIFIED of leaving my children, our children, with him

www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/everything-you-need-to-know-about-the-new-psychological-abuse-law-a6789271.html

According to this he could do up to five years but you will need to take advice from the police or a solicitor.

Parker a lot did fit. But then some maybe apply to me, too?

You're not exerting financial control over him, raping him, cutting him from his friends?

I think I am guilty of 12, 18, 20, 21, 23, 27 and 28. So a few.

But several of those are a direct result of his behaviour. You blame him for your unhappiness because he treats you horribly. Manipulators can have an amazing skill of making it look like it's your fault. They make you look like the controlling, unreasonable one. That doesn't mean you are.

Lots of good advice here. I wouldn't risk staying.

You might not be in immediate danger, but that is because you do as you are told. I am concerned that your son will grow to treat women in the way he sees your father treat you. As not an equal. I'm also concerned that as your daughter grows up she will be told what to wear and how to behave, I can't imagine she will have freedom to be herself. Anyway you need to find the way yourself. Hopefully this thread will have sown the seeds that will grow each time he says or does something that adds to the reason you posted this thread in the first place. Take care x

Sorry his father not your father.

Cherry even if you can't post much then keep reading. Re read the whole thread. Think about how you were feeling when you posted.

I hope Bertie doesn't mind but I've linked an old thread with some great posts including some from Bertie and others. Helped me keep going.

here

There used to be a support thread with lots of good reading linked. Will see if I can find it.

Very old threads but useful opening post with links

keep reading

Well, I can say for sure that's the last Christmas I'm having with how things are.

I have kept saying I don't feel scared, and I'm not, but in a way what's more worrying is what I do feel and that's contempt. I know I want to do something with my life that's at least reasonably productive and surely a supportive partner would be, well, supportive.

Put bluntly I just wish I hadn't had children with him. I'm obviously not saying I wish they weren't here, just that I wish I could have had them with somebody else.

I hate Christmas anyway!

I know exactly what you mean OP. I wish that my XP wasn't my DS's father too.

Happy Christmas everyone. I hope it was at least peaceful and reflective :)

Did he 'let' you go out to your friend's house today? I was surprised to see you ask about this on another thread earlier.

You don't feel scared because its become your norm. All of your emotions will be suppressed. You are numb to the emotional and physical abuse, it's a defence mechanism, a mental process initiated unconsciously to avoid experiencing conflict and the severity of the abuse.

Christmas personifies things. There is no break from the abuser. No sigh of relief when he heads out the door for work. 24/7 treading eggshells.

Maybe somewhere down the line Cherry, you'll feel nothing for him, when that day happens you will be free from him.

Good choice cherry. Let the coming year be the way you want it. Productive. Free of his dominance. Healthy.

Scared doesn't have to be the benchmark to leave by. You sound deeply unsatisfied with your relationship and that is enough. I hope 2017 is your year!

Well perhaps you have found your goal? This time next year to be living without him at least on a daily basis. Wouldn't that be something?

Not really. My friend cancelled as she was drunk. I don't know why that surprised you maras, am I not allowed to start another thread?

He's all I've got.

Sorry, that sounded sulkier than intended. I'm just disappointed. I was really looking forward to be able to laugh properly and let my hair down a bit! But I suppose I belong here, with my family.

Cherry you know how devious and manipulative and clever your psychopathic dh is, what you need to have at the back of your mind is that when your dc are older your dh will without doubt turn your dc against you. Oh look at mummy, being stupid again, mummy deserves being hit, I wouldn't have to hurt mummy if she just did as she was told and stop winding daddy up...you get the picture? They WILL hear you struggle when he rapes you if they haven't already.

You don't want to leave but you are in danger of being isolated further and it is only a matter of time before your dc will talk about you with your dh, they will talk to you in the same way he does. How will you feel then?

Your opening post is how can you keep them safe? From emotional and psychological harm you cannot possibly do that but I think you know that.

You and your dc only have one life. Please do what you think is in their best interests emotionally and psychologically and you will be the best mummy they could wish for x

You probably needed the release of being with someone else besides him. It's totally understandable, he obviously wears you out. Try to find ways of getting time to yourself. Join a local group, the church , anything that provides other adults for you to talk to

I hope you pluck up the courage to leave him, it isn't easy, even more so when children are involved but you know this relationship isn't good, I know it feels like you gave no one else, that's not true, you have your children ( I'm sat here alone, my children are in bed, it's not easy at first but I gave done it ).

I don't think he's a psychopath. I guess we've just got to work on some stuff. I do feel very low. It's Christmas night and I should be happy and I know I sound whiny and spoilt. Maybe I am. There are so many, with so little, and by comparison I have so much. But he's always thought it should just be me and him, me and him - but I want and need other people as well, I have had so many people I liked but he disapproved of them for one reason or another and they are out of my life. Or maybe that's not fair. Maybe they aren't in my life for a good reason, like my friend tonight he said was a bad influence and not a true friend and she (unknowingly I presume) played right into that by getting drunk.

I don't struggle when he initiates sex. It just makes it last longer. I think it turns him on. The children deserve two parents.

I almost don't want to post this because I know you won't listen, but I won't be able to rest before I say. The children deserve to be happy before they have two parents who make them unhappy.

That's what Reeva Steenkamp thought, and other dead women sadly.

He's violent. That's all you need to know. Keep yourself safe and get out.

Your children deserve protection from an abusive family dynamic.