How on earth can I keep us all safe?

[cherrycrumblecustard]

I was going to make this post about "my friend" but honestly, I think I just need to be open about me.

How do you cope? When you live with someone who

will hit (not hard and not enough to bruise but will hityou and also shove, thump things near you and so on)
won't take no for an answer for sex, pulls your pants down as you pull them up, insists, ejaculates when you don't want them to and have asked/begged/pleaded not to
controls EVERYTHING

I need out, but I am TERRIFIED of leaving my children, our children, with him

He held a mirror up to YOU! It was YOU that you feel in love with. He merely mirrored it!

Strip it back right to the beginning. He built you up (got you hooked on him, he ensnared you) then bit by bit he started to pull you to bits, all the while giving you a glimpse of the old him...to keep you in a permanent state of confusion. The glimpses will become less and less.

Misery I am so so sorry but I don't understand? What do you mean?

There's nothing wrong with you. The only wrong thing is that your husband chose you. You were massively vulnerable. If anyone had been kind to you at that point, you would probably have fallen in love with them. It just happened to be him.

In your posts, there are flashes of you - your personality - and then it retreats. You're there, you exist, but you're hidden

I think this is a big problem, not one I can necessarily blame on him, but I don't feel I know who i am or who I am supposed to be.

Regardless of who you may be - he should not be raping or abusing you. He could be arrested for doing that and taken away. What or who you are or what you do or have done is not relevant to that.

Nothing you say or do will change his illegal behaviour towards you. It is not your fault. He behaves like this because of who he is - not because of something you have done. You do not deserve one second of his awful treatment towards you.

I think if you could see what actually happens you might not call it rape

How does he describe his previous relationships prior to you?

Darling you said - "He pulls my pants down, I try to pull them up again, he says 'no,no' and pulls them down again" - that is rape.

I don't think he really had any? A few one night stands. He had a girlfriend for a couple of months when he was about 19 but I don't think it was serious.

Lulu it feels - I'm not saying it is but just saying, it feels like he's trying to persuade me, you know?

Have you read back through the thread Cherry? All the answers are there. You have a choice. Continue to be his puppet or cut the strings...if not for you, do it for your children.

I'm trying, Misery, it might not sound like it but I'm really, really trying.

If I cut the string I might just collapse in a useless, worthless heap.

Do you mind if I ask why you asked about his previous relationships?

You will alway dance to his tune as long as you stay...this won't ever get any better.

Yes Cherry, I know. Mine used to do a similar thing - he'd call it "seducing me". Where I'd try to say No, he wouldn't accept No. I remember one time in particular... He was gentle. Not forceful. A kind of gentle coercion. I said I didn't want to, that I was doing x. He ignored me and just took all my clothing off piece by piece.

Back then it was confusing - almost exciting in a way? He made it sound so reasonable.

I look back now...and I know it was rape. But the most confusing and gentle kind of rape...

He used to say cover up, if you don't want me to want you. But I wasn't trying to turn him on. Just hot or whatever.

I think this is a big problem, not one I can necessarily blame on him, but I don't feel I know who i am or who I am supposed to be.

I think this is the crux of why this is so difficult. You have never been allowed to flourish as a woman. Your whole sense of self is defined by him - he decides what is reasonable and what isn't, what you spend money on, who you see. How are you ever supposed to develop a sense of self when you're being so controlled? I'm not sure you can. And I think this is why he chose you. You were young and you were damaged. He could mould you to fit.

I absolutely blame him for this. He may not have consciously done this but he definitely chose you because you were vulnerable. And this ties back into what Bertie was saying yesterday - he probably thought/thinks a young and vulnerable woman is much less likely to leave him.

I don't know. I wonder sometimes what life would have been like if I hadn't met him. I think I'd have got in trouble one way or the other. At least this way it's safe trouble.

I wonder if you blame yourself because that's your default position. I don't know why you were practically living on your own when you were 16, but it sounds like you were fending for yourself from quite young. When shit happens and the people responsible have walked away or won't take responsibility, we can turn it in on ourselves. We're the only ones left to blame, so that's where we default to. There's no-one to shout at so we shout at ourselves. And the voices in our heads always sound right, because they're our own voices or those of people who have had a big influence on us.
Are you getting what you need from this thread just now, Cherry? This is maybe not what you thought would happen when you posted.

It's really helpful to just talk it out. It might seem I'm going round in circles but you are all really helping me. My mum had died, my dad went on this big trip round America for 3 months then when he came back he moved in with someone else. He did sometimes come home but it became less and less.

Hi Cherry, I have been lurking. So much has been written. I hope you are feeling alright. I know that when you are strong enough, when you have time to yourself all that has been said maybe will come to your mind.
I wonder how long it took most of those on here who are being harsh about you not having left yet, to leave? I bet it was not straightaway.

It took me years, I didn't even notice I was being abused. I was gobsmacked when a HV gave me a women's aid card. I laughed at it. Me ???? Abused?????

But then it started my mind going and I realised it was true.

Maybe you are not there yet. But please try and be honest with yourself about it, think about each thing he does that you desperately need to explain to someone about how it was not how it seems.
Usually its these times, that we are lying to ourselves. Its exactly as it seemed.

You have my email and number, please use them anytime.

If you continue along the line of dispair there will be nothing left of you. You will cease to function. You'll either have a full breakdown or die by your own hand. Leaving the children at his mercy.

Do you really think that he never had a serious relationship before you? He was 23, a grown man. I think he's deleted sections of his life to make you believe YOU were the only one.

I think so Misery, he had a very, very traumatic late adolescence and so I can well believe he just didn't have time for relationships. He did tell me once, ages and ages ago, he was very lonely before he met me.

Is there anyway of finding out whether or not he had told the truth? Because people sometimes inject a little truth to make it feasible...just enough to make you buy it!

Did you feel sorry for him after he told you of his traumatic time? It's called a pity-ploy used by malignant narcissists.

I did. But he never presented it in a self pitying way. To be honest he won't speak much about his past to me. I've gleaned bits over the years obviously but I don't know that much really.

He was 23? So there was a past! Does that not alarm you? He knows you inside and out, yet you know very little of him.

The traumatic tale of woe was to stop you delving any further...so it served its purpose.

Do you believe it to be the whole truth?