Support thread for those of us having to 'co-parent' with a narc or very difficult exh thread 4

[Lilacpink40]

Hi all

I think that's quite a common feeling pudding when coming out of a serious relationship. I wouldn't say anything yet, just give yourself time to adjust to your new life and process what has happened. No need to tell him something that might make things more difficult for you tight now, you can tell him its definitely over a big later on, once you've both had some space.

Feel glad its just a few days until you're out too and that the police are finally taking action.

Haha dusters just drive by piers shouting "fuck off"

Documentary is on tonight, will have to see if it can be watched online in the UK. A lovely picture of me and Paleface (musician) is one the news today advertising it - I am looking a bit tipsy in it!

I think I'd hold fire too Pudding with telling him there's no hope. I suspect from what you say he knows that already, but it's sometimes easier to kid ourselves along just to get through.

I really hope you find a level on which you can be friends/co-parents. I'm struggling with this at the moment. I miss my family life and not even communicating with the father of my dc is weighing heavily on me. It just feels so wrong.

Like you, my over riding feeling is one of kindness. Everything about the current situation is at odds with this, and I'm not sure I can ever square the circle. Too much has happened for us to be a couple again, but we had a mainly good relationship, and the current void doesn't feel right. I'm no longer angry, just sad - angry was easier !

Nats I was going to say we could hang out the window shouting "Fuck off" to Piers, but wasn't sure if you'd seen the clip of him being told to do so by that comedian ! It was comedy gold, wasn't it? Really hope we can watch the documentary over here. Are you doing a DM sad but tipsy face in the picture with Paleface ?

Nah I'm grinning like a moron yle.fi/aihe/artikkeli/2017/02/13/paleface-taustoittaa-suomalaishakkerin-tarinaa-love-vastaan-usa

Should be able to watch the documentary here - areena.yle.fi/1-3178955 if you're on a phone or tablet you need to download the YLE Areena app first

Haven't seen that clip but heard about it, which gave me the idea

That's a lovely picture Nats He's a bear of a man ! Perhaps he could wrestle the Trumpster to the ground

The F O Piers moment is on YouTube. The comedian isn't, unfortunately, that articulate in his criticism of Piers. But hey, who cares?!

So long as Piers gets told to fuck off then that's good enough!

He is a bear, you get the impression he could crush you like a fly - maybe he could go and crush Trump

Seems its not possible to watch the documentary abroad, at least its not working for my mum :(

Looking good, Natsku!

Pudding - this is the start of a new beginning: it will have its ups and downs but try to take the time to celebrate your strength - it is a massive leap you have taken. Roll with the punches, do not judge yourself. Surround yourself with whatever makes you feel good.

Talking of which I just spent an obscene amount of money on a set of Denby stoneware in Azure Blue: have wanted it for years but the Northerner in me eschewed such extravagance.

Ah so much fun to splurge some money on something frivolous!

Hi sorry everyone haven't caught up for ages. Everything's the same, DCs and me going about our regular lives, resolved myself to being tied to a twatty twatface twat WN forever. Latest is that he's demanding full details about our holiday (prob to find 'problems' to block it) says I'm not to leave DCs with friends over halfterm (all responsible adults with own DCs) and I must respect him and not allow my BF to meet DCs until 5 months have passed (although OW with low morals trusted with them). Entitled twat. As though he thinks he can control me still😂

As he knows and resents my mum helps me while I work as he doesn't offer enough regular childcare for me to work during school hols. So the comment on leaving DCs doesn't make sense.

I've threatened refusing to accept direct contact and asking school to mediate. Wonder if anyone else has found this helps?

Dusters great you have a new Dusters mobile, could Mr HJM help with some technical question about the car, then afterwards you say..."oh Mr HJM that's so helpful, would you like a spin in my car soon...to a lovely cosy pub?"

Nats I looked at the photo, def a bear in a previous life, couldn't understand a word of it (assume positive about your brother). I hope the publicity is moving things forward in a better direction. Failing that an angry bear running at Trump sounds a good option...he'd probably use his son as a shield though he's such a cold wimp.

Pudding I wouldn't say it until you have to. I know you would like to coparent in a civil way, but breakups are often messy when the real split takes place. At the moment he's being ok as there's something in it for him. Once there isn't the shit could hit the fan he could completely change.

Frog I love that you spend time thinking about stoneware, same here

I have a Denby jet set but really like the azure blue range. Also the striped mugs (not sure on range name) but they were in Emmerdale and I've coseted them for years my previous mugs haven't smashed so I have to wait .

Must catch up with the thread at some point!

Hope everyone is well & having good half terms if it's half term in your area! No news here...

Just been sat looking at DS whilst he sleeps, does anybody else take issue with the fact that their DC have ex's surname (assuming they do of course).

I wouldn't dream of asking ex if I can change it as I don't want to remind him we exist so to speak, no point bringing shit to our doorstep to put it bluntly. But at the same time i can't bear to hear my own sons full name, it's just a constant reminder of him. I don't use DS' surname, just first and middle. Obviously it's on all legal/formal things, docs, passport, nursery docs etc.

If I applied to court to change would they contact ex? I don't want to remove his name completely as I feel that should be DS' choice when he is old enough, but I'd like my surname to be in there too. But then I think is it pointless as I will marry one day and would change my surname, and any future children would have DPs surname etc.

Feeling a bit muddled over it really.

Good picturee nats

I wouldn't say anything just yetpudding I'd let the dust settle. I found things got nasty once he lost control of me and and the situation. I look at other people getting along who separated at the same time and feel sad that there's still so much anomosity.

lilac what is the current arrangment? Nn

Posted to soon. Lilac do you mean drop off and pick ups done via school?

The current arrangment I have is all exchanges of our children are done via school drop offs and pick ups in term time and it's been great knowing I don't have to see WN for weeks at a time.

Hi OTB he only has eldest one overnight a fortnight on the weekend (she currently won't go more often as it's taken a year to get this far with him) and youngest goes once a week (so both together that weekend). He sees them one evening too, but not overnight. I understand why eldest doesn't want more time, but I wouldn't mind a bigger break.

He's a pain about pickups (expects them instantly at door) then likes a 45min window to drop them back in. I've told him before that I'm out so it has to be after X time and he is sarcastic about me heavily drinking or having time at the gym did I say he's a twat? Just to add I'm pretty much the opposite of an alcoholic and not bothered by it at all much to amusement of friends and well known to him.

It's the constant messages full of spite that I'm sick of receiving. I thought I may ask him to send any messages of a non-organisational nature to the school's family support person. Then she can forward to me or liase with him about non confrontational and controlling language. I am also considering showing her the messages so far to see if a neutral person's perspectives and feedback would stop him.

OhB sorry but I think for a surname change he would have to consent. As I recall keeping no contact was a better option with your WN, so maybe better not to rock the boat as he's pissed off to sulk away from you?

Lilac that sounds like it's worth a try, at least the school will have a better understanding of why communication with him is so complicated if nothing else.

I get lovely emails from my WN to occasionally telling me how disgusted he is with something I've chosen to buy for the children or do with the children. I figure he must know that I show these emails to people but he just doesn't seem to care about how he comes across in them. I just ignore the nonsense in them and reply to the bits that need a reply. I figure he does it to either try and get a reaction from me or to see if he can still control me. I'm still hoping he'll get the message soon and revert to acting like a normal person would.

If he has PR then the court would need his consent to change your son's name. I regret that DD has her dad's name as well, I'm considering changing it once I have sole legal custody but not sure. Any future children will have my name as I'm not going to change it ever.

I thought that about the name thing.

I just don't want it upsetting DS or anything but I think my bond with him is more than strong enough for it not to matter.

I understand the surname dilemma. I don't mind (too much) my dc having ex's surname, more that it's his dad's surname. My ds has ex's dad's name as one of his middle names. I've given serious thought to having it removed. The only thing stopping me is that I don't want to look petty and spiteful. Also, I feel it should be my son's decision. In an ideal world I'd remove it though.

Lilac I've thought long and hard to come up with a grown up response to your ex's demands re holiday details, leaving the dc with others, respecting him etc. I've managed this.......
HaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa Twat !!!!!WTF!!!

Would that pretty much cover your response ?!

If you can find a way to stop his utter twattishness reaching your eyes and ears I'd go for it. Why the hell should anyone have to have that total crap in their life.

Thought we could all do with one of these

I agree Red
Happy narc free Valentine's day to all WN survivors

Dusters brilliant. I may well plagiarise that hee hee.

I recently tried "thanks ever so much for your concern, but DCs and I are fine and looking forward to our holiday"...it didn't work, but fun to write.

Yeah happy belated WN-free Valentine's to us all. Valentine's day is called Friend's day over here which I like because its not just about romantic love but about good friends too so happy belated friend's day to you all :)

Strangers have been trying to add me on Facebook since the documentary, guess this is mini-celebritydom

Hello all,
Realise I have been quiet. I need to go back to mediation to sort out child contact. We've been before. Court and all sorts being thrown at me. The mediator used didn't feel too impartial to me. I feel that at a crucial stage here. Do I go with a new one or is it 'better the devil you know' and stick with current one?

I'll catch up with all of your stories at some point and comment x