Support thread for those of us having to 'co-parent' with a narc or very difficult exh thread 4

[Lilacpink40]

Hi all

Quite Frog Imagine wanting to discuss your life, including feelings and all that mushy uncomfortable stuff. Anybody would think we had a brain and a hinterland. Surely women just need a womb and a hoover ?!

How interesting that your CAFCASS officer said that to you. Even when you know you're right it's always good to have validation.

Probably why my ex hasn't met anybody else. He's a bit younger than me. So, if he meets somebody else and they're younger than him they'll think the 1950s were the Napoleonic times or something !

Goodness gracious, a Hoover??? Nay, we are perfectly capable of getting down on our knees and using a dustpan and brush! Surely such a complicated contraption of modern convenience is far beyond our capabilities??

I'm with you all on the 1950s housewife! And the double standards, so if he came home and house a mess/dinner not ready (not abnormal with a very young baby) he would pull a strop but before the baby was born he looked after DS 2 days a week whilst I worked and not a thing was done during the day, no one picked up after themselves and he was always so 'tired' and hard done by .

I sometimes have to sit back and remember all those things in the darker lonelier times when I miss him/us. Ex dropped DS back early as arranged and hung about for AAGESS going on about his evening plans, got the impression he just wanted to brag/hurt my feelings so did really well to hide all that and just said I hope he has a good time. Feeling much more empowered not giving him the attention he wanted!

Emily - what a pathetically desperate little boy he is.

Perhaps next time you greet him with a smile at the step, usher in DC and swiftly leave him staring at the outside of your front door?

Yes that is exactly what he is! It's so attention seeking and exactly the childish behaviour that contributed to the split as I needed a man and partner not a third child. He would 'catch' whatever bug the children had just to try and get some sympathy, so pathetic.

I feel like I need to gain the strength to just do pick up/drop offs at the door but he will make an excuse or just walk in and then I don't want to cause a scene in front of DS who is keen to show him a new toy or whatever. I've asked him multiple times to sit down and talk over proper arangements when it come to the DC (times, days, how drop off will happen) but he ignores this and chooses to call/text the day before asking what 'I want' him to do etc. just for an excuse to be texting/arguing so just trying to muddle through but I still feel so inbetween that I am single but don't feel it as he seems to be involved in everything and constantly in contact. Emotionally exhausted

Hi all, thanks for the welcome messages

Does anyone have an ex with a diagnosed personality disorder/bi-polar?

Just looking for some advice on how you manage contact with someone who is sometimes relatively capable of caring for a young child but sometimes potentially a danger? The line is so blurry that I don't feel like I'll ever relax while he's with our son.

At the moment he has supervised contact with our toddler in my home for a few hours a week (I offered more but he's 'too busy'). But recently he's been asking when he can 'take him away'.

I know he has a right to contact with his own child and I've gone out of my way to make that happen, but honestly having him take him out terrifies me (I think that's also part of his motivation for doing it too, unfortunately, he does love a mind game).

Emily I would suggest that you write to your ex and say you need the exchanges at the door as that's now more practical. If he asks why say it makes more sense, if he asks again say its easier. Bland answers but sticking to it.

Proud can he ask for a change without going through social workers?
As in it sounds like the plan involved other support teams so he can't just change things?

Thanks for all the advice for my twat of a WN. I'm sticking to court order, but think his bad messages now stem from me getting the outcome that I wanted and more (as he's been actioned to complete last work). My upcoming holiday (Apr) with DCs is probably adding to his stress as well. He's threatened to take me 'back to court' but officially I took him to court. I also divorced him due to adultery, but he'd probably now say he divorced me. So can he take me to court as he's feeling a moody WN tantrum comin on?
Love to see him try 😂

He's told a healthcare provider for DCs that I have nmy maiden name now (I don't) and they've contacted me confused about the change. Wonder if giving an incorrect name is legally wrong.

Thanks lilac, sorry have no idea how to make your name bold! I say start packing your bags for holiday, you're doing an exciting, positive thing there so don't let him trample on it. He sounds like a massive turd!

And I totally agree with what you said to Emily- exchange at the door, it's not his home and it's important he learns to respect the boundaries of your personal space- do you have a friend or family member you could ask to be with you for the first few times? Then maybe you could ask them to open the door, or at least have it known you have company, might help to have some backup so you stand firm?

Unfortunately there are no services involved in my situation. When I had to have him arrested (and then sectioned) I was told I could go through a contact centre but it would have been miles away. I was so freaked out that it'd make everything worse I decided to just allow him access at my home. Beginning to wonder if I made the wrong decision now he's asking to take ds out

Proud I don't have any experience as far as MH goes but I have been advised by solicitors to block access to our youngest unsupervised as she has health problems which my ex isn't able to deal with (as he was basically absent and never attends appointments) he threatened to take to court but I was told by a solicitor that it would be highly unlikely he would be granted access without me particularly as she is stil breastfed and won't accept a bottle. He says he's sent forms etc. to take me to court but that was a few months back and I have heard nothing . My solicitor said the court supposedly do what is best for the child and no one else, so if there is medical evidence or any proof that he isn't stable he wouldn't get to take him out, have you got a family member or mutual friend who could be there for contact if he puts pressure on you?

Lilac it's like the WNs resort back to being toddlers! Any reasonable person would see you taking the DC on holiday as beneficial to them and for their best interests, Id miss my DC terribly if ex took them away for a week but if they would have a lovely time why would you want to stop it, just an excuse for a tantrum. Try to ignore, you have every right to take them on holiday and there is not a lot he can do to stop it, he knows that and that's why he is throwing his toys out of the Pram as he probably feels he's lost some control.

You are both right about drop offs, I started off very firm and would have DS ready with shoes/coats etc. to go but he gradually would turn up early or say he wanted to see the baby (as she isn't old enough/well enough to go with him) but then practically ignores her and abuses my trust. He went into my bedroom 'to look for DS shoes' and made a comment about how the bed was made to imply I had someone over (in between the night feeds ) so I need to put an end to it and cut our contact down.

Christ-on-a-bike Emily. He's an entitled twat.

Who the hell does he think he is going into your room and then commenting on your imaginary sex life because of the way the bed was made? He sees you as property.

Thanks guys, yes am saying ok on the understanding that a. there's a real adult with him (I'll reword this so it sounds less antagonistic but just enjoying telling it like it is here!) and that he buys a car seat. I'll hate every second of it but I do understand that my son has a right to spend time with his dad.

Emily- I am fuming on your behalf. He stepped foot in your bedroom, bad enough, comments about your personal life - outrageously inappropriate. Keep it business, be polite (because you are better than him) but stand your ground- if you don't want him in your home don't let him in, end of because he sounds like a complete shit bomb. Oh, and if you're breastfeeding on demand I don't think he'd get a look in let alone with additional needs, sounds like just another tool to try to control you so shrug him off sista!

Its difficult to find the right balance proud my ex was diagnosed with borderline personality once (and in my opinion fits the description well) and was more recently diagnosed with delusional disorder. Having social workers involved has been the best thing for my situation as they are able to confirm to me when its right to withhold contact. Luckily they provide visit supervision locally so no need to travel to a contact centre (not that ex will come to supervised visits any more anyway)

The most important thing is what is right for your child, especially their safety, so if you ever feel that your ex is a potential danger, do what you can to stop unsupervised contact.

Just caught up - bloody hell Emily he's got some nerve!! Definitely don't let him in your house any more, what a cheeky twat.

That is why we decided that the collective noun for WN is an Entitlement! My WN was doing exactly the same, walking into the house, walking up to my bedroom even came in when I was ill in bed one day. Since then I've told him he needs to wait on the doorstep and he has the cheek to say I have no right to stop him. He still kept coming in following DD2 when he fetched her home but that was because he was trying to force me to agree to finances. Hopefully won't bother any more now it's going through the lawyers. Just be strong Emily try and keep as much distance as you can from him. Wish the WN island was a real place then non of us would have to put up with this sort of shit.

Hi Proud (look at the bottom underneath the message box it tells you how to highlight the name, send flowers etc) your situation sounds really difficult. Can you arrange for a relative to be in your house while he has contact rather than you? I do know how volatile someone with bipolar can be as I have a friend who is diagnosed and medicated and even on meds it's a difficult condition to deal with.

Sorry I've not been about for ages, I see all the WN's have been demonstrating there finest WN behavior lately.

I've been busy dealing with the WN and finances, even though we're divorced this still hasn't been sorted. Had the usual emails from his mum telling me how broke he is and how hard he works to put a roof over his head, they always ignore the fact that he lives with his gf and so his bills are halved. I'm just ignoring and sticking to solicitors advice.

I did eventually get the time swapped for the activity arranged in my time. So a few months of bother only for them to relent at the last minute.

Proud of course your little boy has a right to see his dad but don't feel you have to let him take him out if you feel there's a risk there, obviously you know him best and can weigh it up. It's a horrible position to be in though.

ontheball what grown man gets his mummy to talk to his ex for him?! and why would she even have the nerve to get involved. Yes he needs a 'roof over his head' but so do you and the children HE helped create. I'm quite lucky really with ex MIL as they don't have a particularly brilliant relationship and she seems on my side and got very emotional a few weeks back about how dissapointed she is in him for the things he did through our break up. That gave me that extra push out the relationship because I don't want to be that mother in 20/30 years time when my DS is treating someone the way he copied his father act.

I feel like I give him an inch and he takes a mile, as soon as I relaxed a bit with contact, mainly so he could see the baby (which he kept asking about) he seemed to start taking the piss and oversteps boundaries. A few times he's dropped DS off and brought us all a take away for dinner which he will dress up as 'being nice' but it's just a way to come in and hang around. Any other person and I would think it was a lovely gesture but knowing what he's like it's just a way to get in and try to brainwash me or bombard me with questions. So hard.

Emily He always complained about how controlling his parents are, now I understand why as when things go wrong for him, they have to step in and try and sort out the mess he's got himself into.

A take away is nice but with these sort of people there is always an ulterior motive behind the seemingly nice gesture. I've had similar in the past. Whatever he gave me went straight in the bin. They have no boundaries themselves so are unable to respect others.

It sounds like his parents don't help him one bit, I can see how it must be hard when your DC are grown up and going through tough times but there needs to be a point where you step back and accept they are grown up and need to make their own mistakes and what kind of message is she sending to him that she supports the way he treats you so he will now probably move on and treat another woman the same and so continuing the cycle. Id be tempted to tell her he's not a little boy anymore and doesn't need mummy to fight his battles

Yes anyone else it would be lovely to unexpectedly turn up with food but there is always an ulterior motive but I can't get out of this rut of feeling kind of sorry for him and not wanting to upset him. Then when he leaves I feel so stupid for feeling like that because he is never bothered about my feelings?!

I'm so tempted to put mummy straight, but I always hold back. She actually exhibits the same behaviour as he does so would fall on deaf ears.

It's hard to say no when they turn up like that. I understand the feeling sorry for him to, I still feel sorry for mine, but am slowly understanding that I must put my own feelings first so am getting better at holding my boundries, I still feel guilty though.

hello everyone, haven't posted in a while and have since NC'd, just hoping for some dialogue about stuff going on with my ex. I started a thread in chat but no one has replied, and I feel safer here anyway..

will cut and paste my other post:

I've recently been in touch with ex regarding the following:

1. To inform him I've filed for a child arrangement order (to try and put a stop to him messing me about with contact with our DC - he is unreliable and refuses to stick to schedule)

2. He owes money

3. We need to discuss contact arrangement for over the half term

4. I am thinking of taking our DC abroad with my partner and his DC in the near future

This information has been relayed to him in the form of 3 emails, spread out over the last 3 weeks. He has not replied to any of them.

What perplexes me is his silence. He usually replies (even if its only diatribe and name calling). He is aware I am bringing him to court yet he refuses to discuss the very thing I am bringing him about - contact with our DC. Surely this will look bad on him?

I would like to go on holiday abroad, and I believe I need his permission as he has parental responsibility. I told him it was with my partner because I want to be truthful and upfront, and if he does have a problem with us all going away together, he can tell me.

He owes me money, yet refuses to pay or even acknowledge it.

Not sure where to go from here. What is going on. Why is he completely ignoring me, how is this going to look in court?? I am so confused with his behaviour.

Hi all, my little sprog was born at 8.10pm 3/2/17 weighing 6lb 7.5oz after a rather quick labour, they finally started induction at 4pm, my waters broke naturally in the hospital Costa (lol) at 6.20pm was all a bit mad and hurried from then! I managed my much hoped for vbac with only gas and air 😀 Sprog is doing well and is settling into a routine nicely so I'm not quite so zombie like today lol

Congratulations, Chrystal!

Well done Chrystal , you must be so relieved Sprog is finally here. Hope you got a free coffee in Costa !!

Woo congrats chrystal!