Hi Pudding Have just read your posts. The main thing I wanted to say was that last night will not screw up your dc's lives forever. It would have been hard, upsetting and unsettling. But, given the news you had to give them, it couldn't really be any other way. If it helps, the following was my "breaking the news" situation nearly 2 years ago, the dc then were 10 and 8.
We agreed to tell them together, but my dd overheard something and saw our distress and kept saying to me "Are you breaking up?" I eventually said yes, and then my ex came into the room. He was upset it had happened like that, but sometimes life can't be choreographed, as you saw yesterday.
I then did all the talking, him occasionally agreeing or nodding. I asked if he wanted to say anything - you'll recognise this Pudding ! He asked the kids not to tell their friends or anybody else. I didn't say anything as I knew that was not in his control, and that the next day I would be speaking to their teachers. He said nothing else.
Partly I think he hoped it wouldn't actually happen, and if it wasn't "out there" it wasn't real. But ultimately he was just thinking of himself.
The first night he came back after he left I suggested he go before they went to bed. But no, he didn't do this, and I had to sit and listen to my tired, emotional son crying and saying please don't go daddy. He wouldn't go, just stayed in the hallway whilst my son was in bits. He asked sarcastically for some help from me. I had to sit there and hold onto my son whilst he went. I think he thought he'd shock me into seeing sense. I just saw a very selfish, childish man.
Now? My dc are doing well. They are in a good routine of seeing their dad regularly, including 2 sleepovers a week. But I have dictated the pace, I know and understand them better than he does. I pretty much say when/where etc, and most of the time it runs along ok.
Teabay used an excellent phrase earlier "giving them his emotions to hold" . There's a lot I don't have to complain about with my ex, but this is exactly what he does. He's hurting so wants the dc to know. He feels victimised so want the dc to see he's a victim, and so on.
You definitely need to call the shots as regards access. You will know what is best. He can cry, complain and whinge all he likes. He's an adult so will have to get on with it, as you are. The dc come first, and you'll be the one to put them there.
As regards the risk to your safety. I've read many times on here that putting their hands around their partner's throat is the biggest red flag as regards serious risk of further violence. Do whatever you need to do to keep you and the dc safe. Even if it contradicts earlier agreements or what you'd like to do or agreed plans. If someone is unpredictable you need to be flexible in how you react.
I promise you that you will get through this, you're in the eye of the storm right now. I remember the panic, the tears, the not being able to breathe, days when my heart literally hurt. But it does lessen, it recedes, time moves on. It's not easy, but if the decision to leave was the right one you end up in a better place.