So this is a summary of what happened last night. When telling the kids went wrong, I tried to plan it so we could do it calmly, he even took that chance away from me.
So last night it all went horribly wrong. I am so sad and angry. He picked up the kids from school and was getting their dinner ready while I was in the office. I could hear that he was crying and the boys asked if he was ok. He said he was peeling onions. Then my eldest told him he didn't want the dinner he was preparing and wanted egg on toast. OH said "ok". Gave them what they wanted. usually we would say no, your dinner is what has been prepared.
Anyway he continued to cry, and my eldest asked me if he had upset him because he wanted egg on toast. I said of course not. He carried on sobbing loudly, so I asked him to go out the house and take a walk. He got angry and went downstairs. I went down to explain to him that the eldest was upset because he thought he upset him. He took it all the wrong way and started yelling at me.
When he came upstairs he said "Boys, Mummy has something to tell you". The elodest started shouting and crying hysterically, the youngest walked out the room. I had no choice but to tell them, but at the same time he was saying "don't do this, don't do this".
It took me about 1 hour to calm the eldest down and try and explain to him and tell him it wasn't his fault. I had to lay with him until he went to sleep. The youngest took it on the chin and we had a brief chat (he is only 5) then he started talking about something else. It wasn't how I planned it. I planned that I would ask OH how he wanted to tell the kids, and if he wanted to be involved but it all went to shit.
I am so angry with him. But he just doesn't see it. At about 1am, I could hear him crying again and he came into my bedroom beggin me. I didn't want the kids to wake up so I told him to get in bed and held his hand but said I didn't want to talk about it with the kids in the house. He went back to bed, and this morning was also tough.
I told him this morning I was going to have a word with the teachers. He got pissed wiht me saying that FFS he has only just found out, and I said to him "I am not telling the teachers because I want to, I am telling him because they look after the boys, and perhaps they might be sad and their behaviour might change". It was like a lightbulb moment and for a glimpse I thought he might actually understand where I am coming from.
It just shows how incompetent he is as a decent human being. I told both the teachers, the eldests offered if he needs it to speak with the school psychologist.
I had a complete panic attack in the car, then came back and we just talked for about half an hour. I asked him if he could keep himself together before Saturday and he has agreed to. If he doesn't I will go before. Do you think this is right? I told the kids that we wouldn't leave until Saturday, so they have that in their mind. The eldest asked if we could go for dinner on Friday.
What a goddamn mess. I know I shouldn't beat myself up but I feel like a complete failure, I want to protect them from this, but I feel like last night will screw them up for a lifetime.