Dating thread 111- just waiting...

[Evilwater]

I know these threads have come in handy for many dipping their toes for the first time into OLD. So here we are again ... another 1000 posts down:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize-they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Read Why Men Love Bitches (aka WMLB), and take from it what you will. 12. Don't serve up moose burgers on the first date (although this is still in debate right now) 13. Matthew Hussey also very useful. And very easy on the eye even if you don't find him any good.

There was a bit on this thread about that - or possibly the previous thread. Everyone is funnier and more thoughtful behind a keyboard, and also speaking to someone on the phone that you haven't met in person can be odd - you don't know the person you're talking to.

People can be more confident in person. As long as there aren't any obvious red flags, then I'd give him the benefit of the doubt on that one.

That said, your gut may be picking up on something else. If you don't want to meet this man, don't meet him. If you think there's something hinky, then move on. But be careful it's not fear of dating in general making you imagine it.

Other than that, it's a chance to get out, meet someone new - possibly a friend, possibly someone you'll never speak to again, possibly a partner. But that last option is highly unlikely.

Bant I like your last point where you say the person could be a friend. Now at the start of a relationship (I think) from OLD if I'm not sure what to say / do at any point I imagine what I'd say / do with a friend. If you act as you would to a friend you are more likely to be authentic to yourself and if that's not good enough then tough luck!

Pringle now some time has passed since Mr Two turned out to be a knobhead, are you feeling good for being honest to yourself and expressing your opinions?

I'm also hoping in the near future you meet a genuine man and can have a regular relationship and together see the funny side of Mr desperate knobhead Two.

I guess it is telling that i don't feel the need to make any effort whatsoever. I haven't thought about what to wear, I haven't done my roots on my hair and I need a hair cut. But he will have to take me as I am.

Yep there is fear - but I won't let that stop me.

i am guessing that this thread is low tonight because everyone is out on a date!

faffalotty Monogamy is a given for me, but it's not for most people. When you date these days, you have to accept that and understand that nothing is exclusive unless you have a conversation, so to be careful how much you are personally prepared to share in a non-exclusive relationship. Modern dating is shit. As Bant says, if one of your irons is messaging someone else, it's not "wrong" by modern standards unless he's promised not to. I think it's shitty, but this is the new normal.

loobyloo1234 One weekend next year, we'll meet up in London and find each other a man. Or just get tipsy and moan about the lack of good men, possibly more likely.

BernieBear At least it was only the second date - imagine how you would have felt had it been sprung on you further in when you'd invested more!

rememberthetime The first ever blind date is hard. I wanted to cancel too. I'm pretty sure I wasn't his type physically, but Mr Doctor and I had an interesting enough natter. A first date isn't serious. You're just having a chat. Don't see it as a big deal.

As Bant says though, listen to your gut. If you don't feel good, be especially careful about where/when you meet and your plan for leaving without him going the same way as you.

Date tonight? Ha! Work, bloody work!

Lilacpink40 In a word... no. I feel like I'm coping, but I also feel like I've permanently hardened for the experience and there's a bit of me that will never open up again, if you know what I mean. I guess I feel quite detached from it all, as a coping strategy?

Part of me thinks, what the hell, why didn't I just go with the flow? Why did I decide it was too soon? The other part of me thinks by listening to my gut, I might have avoided a bad situation. What if he'd tried to force me into doing something I wasn't comfortable with? What if I'd ended up pregnant? Etc. Maybe I should have trusted him enough to sleep with him - but I don't think I trusted him enough for what if something went wrong, and I think it's right that I refused to sleep with him given I didn't have that trust.

I honestly feel like I'm going to be a spinster forever.

pringle - no, you listened to your gut and that saw through his pretty words and bullshit, even if consciously you didn't.

And you learned a lesson, which is rule 1. A thick skin is needed, and your lesson was painful, but less painful than finding out you're pregnant and he's fucked off, or you have an std and he's fucked off, or just that he's disappeared after sleeping with you. Based on his behaviour, probably any of those three would have happened.

He wasn't a good man. His actions showed that. And part of you saw that, and threw up a warning flag, and you heeded it and didn't get as badly hurt as you would have done.

Other men won't be such twats, and you'll keep you guard up until someone is trustworthy enough that you don't need it anymore

Sorry, rule 2

Thanks, Bant. It helps a lot hearing that from a man. It's so nice to have you in our corner, helping us rationalise things!

This may come across as an unpopular opinion but here goes, if someone whether they be male or female decides that they are not ready to have sex for whatever reason that is all well, good and their prerogative.

However, the person who is ready for sex at that moment of time is not obligated to wait around for a certain amount of time pass whether it's arbitrary or not. They also shouldn't be vilified for opting to move on, particularly if they have accepted this choice without complaint or made concerted attempts to get the person they're dating to change their mind.

You're right, Sherlock, if it's just about sex. But if someone is saying that they want a relationship, and yet if sex isn't immediately available then they move on to someone else, that's different, in my view.

It means that they really weren't after a relationship, they were after sex - that was the most important thing.

So this isn't the same as people meeting up for a FWB situation, one of them saying they don't want sex and the other deciding there's no point. This is someone who said they wanted a relationship - presumably that goes beyond just sex, and yet sex is the only thing they're apparently after. They were using talk of a relationship to get someone into bed, at which point the strong likelihood is that they would disappear, given all the stories on this thread.

So I politely disagree

Bant

Are they not allowed to change their minds though? He may have been fine with it initially but how long should one wait, two months? Three? And just because you want sex doesn't mean you're not after a relationship also, to some sex being involved is what's denotes a relationship in the first place.

I just don't think it's as cut and dry as you say. He could gave waited whatever period of time whilst entertaining other women, DTD and then ghosted. Instead he decided if wasn't for him and left, considering how it's been described I'm not of the opinion he deserves all the bashing he's received in here. However, maybe that's just me.

Sherlock how long should he wait? I can understand that if there isn't some kind of physical connection and intimacy after several dates over a few weeks he may have doubts, but to automatically expect sex in the initial dates seems wrong to me. As though sex is the objective over knowing the person. I say this as someone who has had sex early in relationships from OLD, but felt under no obligation to.

So...had a first date last week - nice guy we got on. We've been messaging since then and might meet up next week. My problem is that I have had some tough online times (ghosting, thinking it was more than it was etc) and I just find it so hard now not to be completely cynical and expect all dates to turn out like the last ghoster. Aware this probably sets me up to fail. Reading other people's posts makes me glad I am not alone and am hoping good news stories will help me stay positive.

It's so bloody hard though! Logged back in to GSM this morning for the first time since our date and saw he was active this morning - and I know that has to be fine as we have met once! But find it hard to message someone and then find out they are still actively looking. But have found in the past if I don't maintain the messaging they fade away...but messaging leads to over investing....

Possiblymaybeprobablynot I think you have to accept that until/unless you get past that point where you're seriously dating someone, the other person will be looking. They will be messaging other people. It's not you, it's just society today. All you can do is be your awesome self and hope the other person recognises that enough to want to stop looking elsewhere. You can't make someone want you. You just have to hope that they do.

I just got called names on Tinder... I try to put a variety of photos of myself up, to represent different looks. I have one with my son to show I'm a parent, one in glasses which I wear occasionally, one face shot, different hairstyles and finally one of myself in ripped jeans as I have one tattoo, it's on my thigh and I believe some men don't like ladies with tattoos so I try to be transparent and show a good idea of who I am.

Conversation with new match started ok, then he asked me why I was such a tease.. I said, sorry I don't understand? He said my photo in the jeans was overly sexual. I explained politely my reasons on why I'd thought it was a good idea to include. Next he berated me for having a choker necklace on in another photo before calling me a slut

I was a little shocked and probably a bit more hurt than I should be, I've looked at my pics again and I guess they are quite sexy? Not overtly so, but I had always felt they are a good resprentation and honest view of how I look.. it's not ok to call someone a slut because they have ripped jeans on surely!??

No of course it's not. Did you report him?

Lastnick, please don't try to blame yourself for his reaction!! He sounds like an inadequate arsehole

Lastnick you little hussy, everyone knows jeans are a sign you're easy...hang on a minute pretty much everyone wears jeans.

Just think what he'd have said to a bikini shot...please report him and know it's him not you.

lastnicknamefree At least you didn't meet this creep - he didn't get to waste too much of your time. I think having a photo that shows your tattoo is thoughtful rather than overly sexual - people can often have quite strong preferences either way when it comes to tattoos.

Given how unpleasant he is, no matter how you dressed, he would have found a reason to judge you... Too sexy... too modest... Sounds like the type who just hates women. Try not to let him take up any more headspace.

If you can look at your own photos and not feel embarrassed, you know you haven't published anything too revealing! We are our own worst critics, so if you feel your photos are presentative and OK, then I don't doubt they are.

Thank you for the responses I feel better for reading them. Unfortunately he unmatched me before I could report him. I don't think there is a way now.

Tinder can be quite harsh of all the apps, need to work on my thick skin!

Damn autocorrect... ** Representative...

lastnicknamefree Yes, you're very brave to give it a whirl! Next time, report, block, move on. OLD is all about learning for the next time...

How have you been getting on with Tinder apart from that?

pringle I find it the easiest app to use and quite addictive. I've had a lot of matches and dates from it but probably quantity over quality sadly.

I like okc but never see anyone locally I like the look of, get a fair amount of messages but usually really young guys!

I paid for a month on guardian soulmates it's been the worst oddly!

Pringle (how do I do bold?) - thank you. I know. Has been 18 months since I have got to the stage of asking each other if we just want to date each other! Second date tomorrow night - trying to look forward to it but am scared (a) I might not fancy him on a second viewing and (b) he may become weird!!

Hope everyone on dates tonight had good ones!

Possiblymaybeprobablynot You just need to put asterisks around text.

Text without the spaces gives you Text.

Second date? Way to go, you! What do you have planned?

Trip to the theatre - he arranged.

Yes it is exciting - bought a new top this afternoon!

I am really bad at over investing but then I tried multi-tasking over the summer with two men and got myself in a pickle.