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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex has done it again - 3rd time

262 replies

Pisssssedofff · 03/12/2016 13:14

Basically if the kids and I or he and I have a falling out. Ex basically spends an entire week/weekend/day telling them how awful I am, how right they are and how they'd be better off living with him. And then they say great can we ? And he says no back you go to live with pissed. DD3 ended up in hospital last time tranquilised.
So I've said no this time, no more fucking with their heads. You've said they ought to be living with you then you bloody well keep them.
It's all going to hit the fan I pressume when they go to school on Monday. 4 years this has been going on I've no more fight left in me I just want him to keep them.

OP posts:
Iamdobby63 · 04/12/2016 10:08

He may not even be there, the last message you said you were collecting them.

If you can't speak then put chargers in a bag and include a note for each of the children.

Original poster
Pisssssedofff · 04/12/2016 10:09

I don't know where they are right now, I don't know if they've arrived at school, where they've been, if their clothes have been washed. All I'm getting is "fuck off"

OP posts:
Iamdobby63 · 04/12/2016 10:11

You continued texting?

Just ask your friend if they are at school, that's the starting point.

BumDNC · 04/12/2016 10:12

Pissed you are back to square one blaming the kids! It's awful! Stop it.

YOU called him to collect them
YOU keep telling him/them he can keep them
NOW you are just making things worse.

You keep lighting a little flame then pouring petrol onto the fire. Repeatedly

Original poster
Pisssssedofff · 04/12/2016 10:13

I sent one text after "fuck off" saying dD3 should g be missing school stuff, dd1 already missed a maths tutor on Friday because he wouldn't take her after picking her up from school, they went for ice cream instead

OP posts:
Original poster
Pisssssedofff · 04/12/2016 10:14

I am not blaming the kids !!!!
I am concerned what's going on in their heads and determined to not make it worse and if that means I stay away then I will

OP posts:
Original poster
Pisssssedofff · 04/12/2016 10:15

Actually I called him to take her for the day, it's escalated from there, that was him pouring petrol ... How did he expect I'd react !

OP posts:
BumDNC · 04/12/2016 10:16

You are blaming them for not being able to see your side

Iamdobby63 · 04/12/2016 10:17

If they do live with him then it's up to him to take or not to take.

Was that the start of it that he was due to see them, picked up from school and then didn't take to maths?

Iamdobby63 · 04/12/2016 10:18

Sorry x post

BumDNC · 04/12/2016 10:19

You have posted here for a long time about how you wish he would take them, tell the kids they should go live with him and demand he takes them when you can't cope with them anymore.
Yeah he's an arse
But you make things worse. We've all sat here last night telling you yiu have issues with anger, resentment, managing your emotions - you say things to the kids you should not and place too much responsibility on them for this mess. You behave badly towards ex just as much as he does but it's all his fault for the entire thing and your fault nowhere

So after sleeping on it you are in the same situation you have been for the past few years and will continue to be until you take control and stop with your own damaging behaviours

ddrmum · 04/12/2016 10:20

Speak to.your kids and pointedly ignore the ex. Detach - Remove the fuel, remove the drama.
Concentrate on the children. They really are the only thing that matters in all of this. Other issues need to be left aside. I think it's pretty obvious he doesn't want any of them FT and I'm not sure his gf would be too happy either! They need to know they are loved & wanted cos right now they must feel so rejected.

Iamdobby63 · 04/12/2016 10:21

DD1 is not his right? Is she still causing you problems?

Original poster
Pisssssedofff · 04/12/2016 10:28

Iamdobby63. No DD1 is good as gold at the moment. There's two flash points, probably the same in every family, school run there and back.

He's chosen to live 2 hours away from his kids, I'm sorry but that's not supportive. On top of previously choosing to be totally out the picture for a year. Prior to that choose to be 5 hours flight from them. That all everything else will count for shit, we all know that.
I'm just done they can come and find me as adults if they want to ... I wish I hadn't posted last night ... I will sort myself out but nobody would be so bloody stupid as to have four kids on your own. I have been stupid but no more he can take over now I simply cannot do it

OP posts:
BumDNC · 04/12/2016 10:28

You should not be placing them in a volatile situation where they have to choose a parent. They obviously going to choose the parent that gives them less hassle. From what you describe their home life isn't great and it's not really surprising they might want to choose him even if he doesn't want them. The poor kids must be so confused. Choosing where to live should be something that is discussed in depth with both parents not screamed at each other via text or in a car park.

Original poster
Pisssssedofff · 04/12/2016 10:30

BumDNC I know. He doesn't do home work, washing, cooking ... Of course they will choose him I'm not stupid

OP posts:
Goingtobeawesome · 04/12/2016 10:33

The head space you are giving him should be spent on letting your kids know that no matter what you'll always love them and be there for them.

LiveLifeWithPassion · 04/12/2016 10:36

IT doesn't matter what your ex says or does when you drop off the chargers - it matters what you say and do.
If you're going to act cold and like you're fine with them being away from you, then that's what you're kids will think.
If you at least tell them you love them and that they can home, or leave a note with them, then that's what they'll see. Do what if your ex starts mouthing off. You need to do your bit.

LiveLifeWithPassion · 04/12/2016 10:40

You need to get your ex out of this equation.
This is about you and the kids. Forget your ex. He ll never be the man you want him to be.
Stop texting him, don't communicate anything that isn't necessary.
Communicate with your kids. Talk to them. Text them. Work with them. Ask them how you can all make this work. Ask for their opinions and get their input.
The quicker you detach from your ex, the better for everyone.

Iamdobby63 · 04/12/2016 10:40

Pleased everything has settled down with DD1.

Although you have maintained that you don't mind you have changed your mind several times as to whether the children can/will come home to you today. I can understand your emotions are all over the place but you need to stop giving him the ammunition by texting him these different decisions. On text you must sound all over the place.

Have you texted your friend to find out if they are in school today?

Original poster
Pisssssedofff · 04/12/2016 10:43

Iamdobby63. I have texted ... She forgot to look, poor woman has cancer, I'm not asking any more of her, I'll drive down and have a look

OP posts:
Soubriquet · 04/12/2016 10:45

Are social services involved?

Because I bloody well think they should be

Iamdobby63 · 04/12/2016 10:45

Or can you just phone the school?

Original poster
Pisssssedofff · 04/12/2016 10:52

School isn't open just one department.

What exactly do you think SS should or would do ? Serious question

OP posts:
Iamdobby63 · 04/12/2016 10:58

Ok, well before you act do remember that your last text stated that you will pick them up. Be prepared for them not being there or him being there. Put the chargers in a bag with a note for your children if you really feel it's better that you say nothing.