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Original poster

It upsets me to hear what a nice time he's having

172 replies

Zayna99 · 16/02/2007 11:50

DP is away visiting his 9 year old DD. BM is there also, they meet halfway and stay in hotels. If anyone has read any of my posts, I'm not allowed anywhere near their DD, DP blames mother and says she poisons her DD against me. My name can't even be mentioned in conversation.

He went on Valentines day, which really upset me. Then last night he phoned me and he tells me what they've been doing, and what a nice time they're having. He even said 'it made up for Valentines day'. That hurt.

He says I should be pleased for him that he is getting to see his DD. Of course I am, but I feel like I'm getting my nose rubbed in it. I don't want to hear about what a wonderful time they're having, while I'm binned off and not allowed to be part of any of it.

I haven't done anything wrong. I didn't split him and his ex up, they were already parted when we got together, but his ex hates my guts. I met DD once, with mothers permission last year, and mother freaked out and has forbidden any more visits.

I want to tell him that I don't want to hear about his DD any more. He can't include me when he feels like it but then tell me his DD is nothing to do with me.

I sent some really harsh texts to him last night but I feel so left out, it hurts so much. Good for him that he's having a lovely time, but I'm left here at Christmas, Valentines day and also Easter this year... I don't want to hear what a wonderful time they're all having. Is that wrong?

OP posts:
NadineBaggott · 16/02/2007 11:55

I understand how you are feeling but I also understand his pov.

If I were you I'd grit your teeth and tell him you think it's fab that he's having a great time and how important it is for him to see his child, tell him as well how much you miss him and can't wait to see him.

It's very important you show no negativity, it will only cause problems and you'll end up driving him away.

Tortington · 16/02/2007 11:55

2 things

  1. grow up. she's 9

  2. get your own life and then you can talk about your fab times too.

DetentionGrrrl · 16/02/2007 11:58

sorry, but you sound selfish to me. certainly you feel left out, but his child has a right to see her Dad at Xmas, Easter etc. If you see a man with kids from another relationship, i think you have to accept that you will sometimes come second.

Original poster
Zayna99 · 16/02/2007 11:59

Thanks. I do try, but last night I just flipped, I was sick of hearing about them and their jolly trip away. It's like being on a diet and somebody describing how delicious their chocolate is.

Yes, I'm glad he has a good relationship with his DD, and I have grinned and beared it for nearly three years now - DD comes first, I accept it gracefully, but I'm getting to the stage where every time he starts mooning over her and raving about her, my hair stands on end and I just don't want to hear it any more...

I would love to be a part of their lives, but I'm not allowed to be, so I just wish he'd stop shoving the child down my throat...

OP posts:
DetentionGrrrl · 16/02/2007 12:01

i don't think it sounds like he's shoving it down your throat- it sounds like he loves you and his kid makes him happy, so he shares that with you.

i can see that it would hurt your feelings that you aren't part of his other family, but after 3yrs, perhaps it's time to either accept it, or move on?

ledodgy · 16/02/2007 12:01

Are you actually jealous of his 9 year old dd or is it more the fact that he is a hotel with his ex ?

TrinityRhino · 16/02/2007 12:01

I'm afraid that what you are feeling is out and out jealousy, which isn't surprising but as an adult you have to realise that being negative towards your dp is only going to cause problems and possibly resentment in the future
You need to just suck it up and tell hi you are pleased they are having a good time
I had my 15 yr old dss living with me for 5 years and it was a nightmare. I know that if I had asked dh to make him move out then he would have but I didn't as I knew that wasn't fair on dh and that he would realise in his own time that it needed to happen
If I had forced him he wouldn't have realsied it on his oiwn and would have blamed me IYSWIM
it is very difficult with stepchildren especially as hermother is denying you all contwact but you have to take the high road for the sake of your relationship

ledodgy · 16/02/2007 12:02

*at a hotel

HappyDaddy · 16/02/2007 12:02

Do you have children together? I guess that he's sad that he has to leave your children behind to be with his older DD.

FioFio · 16/02/2007 12:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

kimi · 16/02/2007 12:07

Does he not see that her mother is calling the shots, arranging for him to see his DD at time when his being away from you is painful for you, eg christmas, easter etc.
You could point out to him you ARE NOT a mistress or dirty little secret and will not be treated as such.

It is good that he has a relationship with his DD but he need to take in to account your feelings too.

Original poster
Zayna99 · 16/02/2007 12:08

No, we don't have children of our own. And yes, it does hurt that he stays in hotels with his ex. I try not to think about it, he doesn't get along with her so there is no threat, but it is the way she controls him and our relationship that hurts me.
I wondered if I was jealous of DD, but I can't say I am. She needs her dad, their relationship is great, but I am just hurt that they won't let me be part of it. He tells me straight - DD is nothing to do with you, then proceeds to tell me all these things. It's one or the other. I can accept she is nothing to do with me, but I need to block her out of my mind, cut her off, pretend she doesn't exist. It's my way of coping, and he can't see that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Zayna99 · 16/02/2007 12:10

Kimi, I've lost count of the number of times I've told him all that. He can't understand why I feel the way I do because he's with me 90% of the time... He just turns it all around and says I want him to stop seeing his DD altogether, which is NOT true at all. I wouldn't be with a man who had disowned his child. What kind of a man would he be then? Not one I'd want to be with...

OP posts:
Surfermum · 16/02/2007 12:10

If you were saying that your dsd comes to stay and then you're jealous of the time your dh spends with his dd, then yes I'd agree with these comments. But that isn't what this is about. You've been with him long enough to have been introduced to her, but you continue to be left out - and of course that hurts.

He really needs to stand up to his x about this, and she should be having "normal" contact at his home, not only ever seeing her Dad in an hotel room.

I said this on another of your threads, and I'll say it again I'm afraid if it were me I'd be giving him an ultimatum.

Cowardice · 16/02/2007 12:10

I feel sorry for you too.

Does he not see how unfair he is being? Staying at a hotel with his ex? Why will his ex not let you see the child? It may be understandable in the early stages of a relationship not to want your child spending time with someone who may not become a permanent feature in the child life, but 3 years down the line, you'd think your dp would stand up to her.

Is it the child, or her mum who won't let your name be mentioned?

Your dp is also in a difficult position, if he doesn't go when the mum specifies, I assume she can cut contact? [or threaten it anyway]

NadineBaggott · 16/02/2007 12:13

Well I don't understand that!

If he as a relationship with you then ALL his family come into the equation surely?

HappyDaddy · 16/02/2007 12:13

If he says "DD is nothing to do with you" or words to that effect, then he isn't taking your part in his family seriously. Yes he needs to have a relationship with DD but if he carries on like this he's showing his ex that he puts her before you.

He needs to sort it out. For all your sakes.

Bozza · 16/02/2007 12:15

You lot are mad or else I don't think zayna has explained her position very well. Zayna has been with this guy for three years and his DD doesn't even know. I am sure she would be quite happy to share her DP with her stepdaughter, and maybe even have him go round their playing happy families on the little girl's birthday, but to be kept a big secret for so long is not right.

Personally I think the best advice would be to get her DP to sort things out. Even if DP stays in a hotel with the little girl why does the mother need to tag along? Zayna you really need to put some more pressure on your DP, it is really right that he is living a lie to his daughter?

Original poster
Zayna99 · 16/02/2007 12:16

He does whatever his ex tells him to because he is afraid she will make it impossible for him to see his DD. They live hundreds of miles apart. I accept that they meet halfway and stay in hotels, it hurts, but it means that DP gets a few nice days with DD, and I try not to think of the times when mother tags along on their activities.

It is mother who "does not want another woman in DDs life". But then I don't think DP can face telling DD that he has a girlfriend, he says it would "break her heart". When we met last year, I was just introduced as Zayna, and when she asked if I was his girlfriend, he said he had lots of friends who were girls. She thinks he lives with his parents (her grandparents), she doesn't know he lives with me. Mother does, though, she knows all about me and says that when DD comes to visit Grandparents at easter, she doesn't want DD returning home talking about Zayna this and Zayna that, because DD doesn't actually like Zayna very much anyway... which I think is mother just being peevish, but whatever, it's not very nice for me.

OP posts:
mmelody · 16/02/2007 12:17

Well I read your other posts Zayna99 and I think your DP needs to grow a spine and stop excluding you from his life with DD.Like you said its not as if you split them up and his ex sounds like a right cow.

It sounds to me like he just does what she says. he should call her bluff now and then. Have a conversation with his DD about the situation and talk about you to her lots. She is 9 so will have some understanding of relationships ( albeit a little skewed by her Mum maybe!!)

You share a life together so its only natural that you want to spend time with him at special times as well as with DD.I am divorced and my DD see's her Dad regularly. He has a girfriend so naturally sometimes she is part of the contacts..sometimes she isn't.... but I leave that for my ex to decide after all its his DD too!
I would't expect him to tell me who she can and cant see.. I completely sympathise with you.

mylittlestar · 16/02/2007 12:20

I'd feel upset if I were in your position to. You fully agree he needs and should spend time with dd - but his ex is calling the shots and you are being treated like your feelings don't matter.

You want to be 100% part of his life and that includes spending time with his dd.

I think he needs to stand up to his ex and show you (and your relationship) a bit more respect.

Original poster
Zayna99 · 16/02/2007 12:21

Thanks for the shoulders and the kind words. I feel sick today, I sent some horrid messages last night, saying that this situation is not normal, and thanks an effing lot for saying you had a lovely Valentines day... I can't remember what else I said but it was pretty vicious.

I know the rest of his family, they all love me and treat me like part of the family, but when DD rings up and they all have a conversation with her and act as if I'm not in the room, it really REALLY hurts. He cannot understand why. He says he feels for me, but there's nothing he can do.

I have tried and tried to accept it, told myself it doesn't matter, I have a good relationship with him and he's a lovely man, but then he comes on the phone and tells me that he's having a wonderful time and yes, I should be pleased for him, but I just feel sad and left out.

OP posts:
Surfermum · 16/02/2007 12:21

She is going to feel so let down by him if she finds out the truth.

It is awful when parents with care think they hold all the cards when it comes to contact. Do as I say or you won't see her. But iff his x did get difficult about contact he would be able to go to court and get a contact order.

Bozza · 16/02/2007 12:26

So it is not just her Mum and Dad that are feeding her a big, fat lie, it is the entire extended family. That "not liking Zayna" comment is just the mother twisting the knife a bit - let's face it, she has met you once in false circumstances, she doesn't actually know you.

I really feel sorry for this little girl. The truth is going to come out eventually and she is going to feel so let down. I think you need to get tough on your DH, think about it, read some of the advice and strategies you got on previous threads and decide how to go about it.

Original poster
Zayna99 · 16/02/2007 12:30

I have tried to talk to him about it. I tried to point out that he isn't protecting his DD, he's lying to her and one day she is going to be hurt by their lies. He says that he is doing what his ex tells him to and one day DD will understand that and if she falls out with her mother, it's mothers fault. He's kind of leaving mother to dig her own grave.

Also, if I start trying to say anything about what is right and what is wrong with regards to bringing up children, he fires back at me that I've never had any, so how could I possibly know?

OP posts: