It upsets me to hear what a nice time he's having

[Zayna99]

DP is away visiting his 9 year old DD. BM is there also, they meet halfway and stay in hotels. If anyone has read any of my posts, I'm not allowed anywhere near their DD, DP blames mother and says she poisons her DD against me. My name can't even be mentioned in conversation.

He went on Valentines day, which really upset me. Then last night he phoned me and he tells me what they've been doing, and what a nice time they're having. He even said 'it made up for Valentines day'. That hurt.

He says I should be pleased for him that he is getting to see his DD. Of course I am, but I feel like I'm getting my nose rubbed in it. I don't want to hear about what a wonderful time they're having, while I'm binned off and not allowed to be part of any of it.

I haven't done anything wrong. I didn't split him and his ex up, they were already parted when we got together, but his ex hates my guts. I met DD once, with mothers permission last year, and mother freaked out and has forbidden any more visits.

I want to tell him that I don't want to hear about his DD any more. He can't include me when he feels like it but then tell me his DD is nothing to do with me.

I sent some really harsh texts to him last night but I feel so left out, it hurts so much. Good for him that he's having a lovely time, but I'm left here at Christmas, Valentines day and also Easter this year... I don't want to hear what a wonderful time they're all having. Is that wrong?

DP doesn't want to go down the court route till he has to. He thinks that one day he will, but till that day arrives he is happy to just go along with things as they are.

He says that he keeps a close eye on the development of DD and if he saw anything untoward he'd not only go to court, he'd fight for custody of DD.

Well blimey O?Riley, fancy seeing you here Zayna! And with the same old same old story, and getting the same advice you got at the Other Place too! You know, I?ve felt sorry for you and your situation for years, but now I?m starting to think you love all the drama, and certainly the online attention. I think you, your man, and Janet are all as bad as each other really. It?s his daughter I feel sorry for.

Things no better then Zayna? What a shame

Thanks Fireflyfairy... things are turbulent, plus there's other family stuff going on which makes things even harder.

ChairmanMeow, good to see you... it's not really online attention I'm after, the reason I came on here was to seek opinions of people who have children and experience with step-families... whereas the 'other place' is more a relationships board alone, with quite a lot of younger people on it..

Not that I have to explain myself to anyone, of course..

Course you don't have to explain yourself Zayna. It just looks to me that after exhausting a lot of people's patience with going over this again and again and again for what, three years now, on the other board, and people expending a lot of time, empathy, sypathy, advice, hugs etc etc, you needed a fresh place to go. I guarantee you'll get the same responses here as on the other place though. Your man is a spineless twit, yes Janet is a loon, you must enjoy the drama a bit, or you'd be long rid, and he is Janet's enabler. The poor kid is stuck in the middle of a crowd of drama queens. I wish her luck, she's going to need it.

Message withdrawn

Ohh, and I can't believe he is still meeting up in hotels with the ex and playing happy families - I thought you'd made him promise to stop all that nonsense?

Darling ... put everything aside for 1 minute, take a deep breath and say ...

I am too good to be treated this badly.

And believe -- in yourself.
x

ChairmanMeow, I absolutely understand where you're coming from with the 'enjoying the drama' bit, because I used to be in a relationship where I DID enjoy the drama of the ex wife and her shenanigans, it was like a soap opera, and never a dull moment.

However. This relationship is totally different. He is much much harder to handle and to communicate with than anyone I've ever known, and if you could see the state of me right now, having had about 2 hours sleep a night for the past week, you would clearly see that I'm not enjoying a minute of this drama at all.

I've had some belting replies on this thread, not to say I haven't always wherever I've posted, but some of the replies here have been from a different angle. It wasn't that I needed a fresh place to go, but the other place doesn't have a families place any more, there's a lot of stuff on here that is very useful to me.

Sometimes it is just so hard to let go of something that means so much and you desperately want it to be right.

Especially when you have invested so much and even more so if you don't like to 'fail'.

But most times, if you grip something too tightly, then (like water) it slips through your fingers anyway.

Let go. And mean it. Put yourself and your happiness first. If it boomerangs back then it is meant to be and will change for the action. If not then you will cope and you will be stronger still for taking courage to believe in your own worth.

Good luck.

Zayna, I wouldn't begin to criticise you for seeking advice about this situation on various different forums (I feel hugely for you) but I think it's very telling that you have been upset and hurt enough over the last 3 years (we knew it had been going on that long) to have sought online support about it long before now. Usually, people tend to put up with crappy situations for quite some time before "sharing" with others .... the old "I'll give it till Xmas", "I'll see if he/it changes", "Let's see if I can bear it a bit longer" sort of thing.

I guess you would have got similar advice previously too - talk to him, write to him, go to counselling together, get a court order and so on ..... and yet these possible solutions have either not worked (eg. talking) or are not even being attempted (eg. counselling, court order). And three years have passed, during which time you've obviously been feeling desperate ..... it's not like you've got to the end of your tether and have finally got round to seeking support IYKWIM. In some ways, you must be quite a strong person, because I know if I had been seeking advice & support for a specific problem - as yet unresolved - for three years, and it was of this magnitude, I would be on anti-depressants by now at the very least if I was still with my partner.

However, you know, don't you that this is just now bloody ridiculous and I'm convinced (as you can ever be about someone from what they choose to share with you) that you are being used big time and your partner is very unlikely to ever change. Surely you do not want to carry on living like this ? It's humiliating and demeaning, and while the ex sounds like an utter bitch, it is YOUR partner who is letting you down here. HE is choosing for this horrid situation to continue, and frankly, from what you've written, doesn't actually seem too bothered about it himself anyway ...... that translates as being not bothered about how you feel and how insulting his treatment of you is.

I can well imagine how drained you feel and you yourself say he's hard to communicate with and hard to handle. Do the good times you have really outweigh all this sh*t ? ...... I can't imagine anything which would counterbalance the arrogant, selfish and dismissive way he's treating you - and has treated you for such a long time.

You must know what the solution to this is.

sigh. Exhausted. Hard to believe, but there has been progress during our 2.7 years (hard to round it up to three, we might not get that far yet) but since meeting DD last year, things have gone backwards on that score. Round about the 2nd anniversary there was a massive leap forwards for us, he started a great business and things looked great. Now he's sick of that, and hankering after me to up sticks and go off to who-knows-where with him again.

This will all come to a head, then he'll come up with another scheme, and off we'll go again.

Except every time we start on another merry go round, I get dizzier and dizzier. This time, I'm not just dizzy, I'm exhausted. His family think he's great - oh, they laugh, we never know what he's going to do next, ha ha ha. Well I don't find it funny any more, it was rather thrilling at first and maybe yes, I did enjoy the drama of it all, it was never a dull moment.

Now I'm feeling bullied, and I told him this. He looked so shocked. Well, good. Has it sunk in? No idea.

I have to go home now, thank you all. I don't know what else to say - I just feel so effing bleh, I need some sleep, my head is trashed and I don't feel capable of making any decisions. You're all great, you know... xx

Hows it going zayna?

???????

Wow, thank you for thinking of me. Well, he's still banging on about me leaving my job, and if I don't leave it, it means I'm putting my job before him. TBH, I've stopped listening. I'm not giving my job up and he can rubbish it as much as he likes. The one good thing (I think) that came out of this weekend is that he spoke to my sister and got us to meet up (we'd fallen out big time) and though I still feel uncomfortable with her, at least the ice is broken. This week I shall be mostly just trying to get on with my work and leaving him to his own devices. He has a dozen different ideas going round in his head, every time he opens his mouth he contradicts himself so I'm leaving him bloody well to it.

Having read this whole thread I must say that though this must be hard for you, you must also see that you are the only one being hurt here.(except the dd but she has no power and thereby can't be counted)
He may change the situation, if you leave him. It will obviously take that kind of action to get him to see you're serious. Otherwise he will keep on as he is because he can.
He's told you he wont change the sit with dd and ex, so stop waiting for him to do so.
Chuck him out of YOUR house and tell him to call you if anything changes.
Then get on with your life.
Don't call him. If he changes the sit then he is perhaps worthy of a second chance, if not then he doesn't care enough and you're well rid of him!!!!

I keep trying to tell him we don't want the same things, and why doesn't he either go and live closer to his DD or go and live in France, which is his dream (not mine). And he says 'why do you think?' He says he loves me and all he wants to do is something with me, he's been trying to build his life around me but can't stand this place any longer. And around and around it goes. Yes, I love him too, but it's just not going to work, I'm not giving my entire life up to live close to a child that doesn't belong to me and who I'm not allowed to be anywhere near... and yada yada yada...

Well if he wont go because of you then he needs to stop using it against you when you argue.

Zayna have you thought of going to relate?

Kimi, I don't think I'd even bother mentioning Relate. He doesn't face up to problems does he? None of his family do. He's planning to go to France for a couple of weeks to work on the house, I think the break will do us good. He's taking his builder mate with him, doing two weeks then builder mate is coming back and I might go out for a week.

What he really needs is a dose of real life and a wake-up call. I'm alright, I am. He nips at my self esteem sometimes (I had a husband who did that back in the 1980s, he got fired in the end) but I'll tell you what, he wants to think on what he's got right under his nose and stop whining about life not being bloody tickettyboo. I persevere with relationships, and though you wouldn't believe it, I have put a stop to a couple of rellys when enough becomes enough.

He needs to get to bloody France and miss me. And miss his DD and realise that France isn't actually a hop skip and a jump away, it's a boat or a plane and a wad of money away...

Ask him how he thinks he would see his dd if you move to France, and point out that there is NO WAY you will put up with him flitting off to England for a week or two and leaving you in a strange country, where you will know no one.

Pack his bags, change the locks and find a man with a spine and a big pair of balls is also an opition.

Zayna are you still about? Hows it going?